Smithy Goes To Limbus

I was rather bored today, so I spent most of the morning trying to figure out what to do.

Let's look at my options:

1) Regular duty in Yuhtunga/Yhoator Jungle

I'd rather stab myself in the eye.

I love the jungles. I really do. The smell of fear in the air is quite nice in the Spring.

But if I have to see one more level 29 WAR/ level 10 WHM trying to hit 30 just to get an advanced job, I'm going to scream.

Seriously. One match and the whole place goes up.


2) Garrison

Yay! I can get gang raped with weapons!

How about no?


3) Dynamis

My flesh is feeling a little too non-charred lately. Plus, the nurses on the burn ward are damned cute.

But I'm thinking I can live without being liquified for another day.


Hmm...

So what does that leave me?

4) Limbus

I haven't actually done Limbus yet, but I've heard good things.

Of course, I heard them from Shaman, the same moron who convinced me to try Garrison.

Note to self: hurt Shaman.


But, because I had nothing better to do, I signed up for Limbus.

I need to get a hobby.

So, I get suited up and ready to go, then head over to catch a warp to Tenemos North. And, as usual, who shows up but Shaman and Pathfinder.

GoblinShaman>> Hi, Smithy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> I heard you the first time.
GoblinPathfinder>> You didn't say hi.
GoblinSmithy>> And?
GoblinSmithy>> Hey look! A path!
GoblinPathfinder>> Where?

*punch in the back of head*

GoblinSmithy>> I hope this is a quick trip.

That's when I find out we can't warp directly there.

Yay.

Do I look like someone who enjoys hiking? Do I really?

I realize I may seem like the outdoors type because I spend so much time in the jungle, but I'm honestly not. That's part of the job.

If I could find a job terrorizing n00bs and murdering White Mages in a mall, I'd never go outside again.

A metal subligar gets cold, you know.

So, when they told me we had to catch a Tele-Holla and walk from there, I was pissed.

But money is money. I've got to get some extra hours to cover my WoW account.

And off we went.

We catch a Tele-Holla and already I'm annoyed. Damned Leecher charging me 1000 gil.

The hike probably wouldn't be so bad if Pathfinder hadn't gotten us lost three times.

GoblinSmithy>> I thought you were good with paths.
GoblinPathfinder>> I only find them.
GoblinSmithy>> Just when I thought you had a purpose.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey look!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't do it.
GoblinPathfinder>> A path!
GoblinSmithy>> Are there any adventurers around?
GoblinSmithy>> I could really go for a sword to the brain right now.

We finally make our way to Tenemos North and I must say I was impressed.

GoblinSmithy>> Sweet.
GoblinSmithy>> Where's camp?
GoblinShaman>> We're on the seventh floor.
GoblinSmithy>> Cool.
GoblinSmithy>> Where's the elevator?
GoblinShaman>> What elevator?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to murder you with your own face.

Seven floors and no elevator.

Note to self: start organizing revolution.

So we trudge up 7 flights of stairs. By the time I get to the top, my heart is ready to explode.

And then they hand me a treasure chest to carry.

Yes, you read that right. A FREAKIN' TREASURE CHEST!

GoblinSmithy>> You've got to be kidding.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is this for?
GoblinShaman>> The adventurers are going to kill you to get it.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> Want a treasure chest?
GoblinShaman>> Sorry, man. That one's yours.
GoblinSmithy>> Do we have any plans where I don't get killed?
GoblinSmithy>> We need to get a committee on that.

So we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Did I mention the waiting?

I'm just getting ready to give up when a huge group of adventurers barrels in.

We go to quick work and they start to lose health fast. This was gonna be easier than I thought.

And then a Ninja got a lucky shot in on me and I dropped my treasure chest.

On my toe.

><;

Just as the pain was starting to recede, a Red Mage runs up and opens my chest.

And their entire party gets back full hp and mp.

Well FREAKIN' Perfect!

After that, we didn't have a chance. We got wiped out.

Luckily, I got to see Pathfinder get killed before me.

Thank Altana for small favors.

And just as I'm about to die, I hear the damned Red Mage say

RedMage>> Well that was a lot of work for nothing.

Glad we could be of service, Bastard.

I hate limbus.

New Jobs Get Revenge

Alternate Title: "The Expansion Strikes Back"

Apparently, some of my comments have pissed off several players who have taken up the new jobs.

Who knew?

I can't really blame them though. With the flood of players taking up the new jobs, they really have nothing better to do than freak out about my blog.

Suck on that a one time.

But there are days that my words come back and bite me in the ass.

Only replace "my words" with "pointy weapons" and replace "bite me" with "stab me".

Last night, basking in the thought of having my own fan club, I went to work in Yhoator Jungle. Things were fairly quiet, which I must say was kind of annoying.

I had taken the time to get my axe all shiny and nice. You know, all ready to be introduced to a n00b's skull...

Or groin...

And I was really itching to make with the chopping.

So, I'm walking around kicking pebbles (read: mandys), when a Corsair runs up to me and opens fire.

Damn, those nerf guns sting.

I immediately go to work. I just went lumberjack with that axe and that punk was coming down.

GoblinSmithy>> Timber, bitch!
Corsair>> Are you quite done?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm just getting started.

And then I noticed something: he didn't seem to be really fighting back.

My first thought was that he was a Corsair, so I shouldn't expect much. But then I started to wonder.

GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong, huh?
GoblinSmithy>> Run out of foam balls for your wittle gun?
Corsair>> Nope.
Corsair>> I'm just waiting.

Waiting? WAITING?!

Do I look like a freakin' BUS STOP?!

This, of course, pissed me off royally. I went absolutely berserk with that axe.

And then I heard it. A low rumbling.

GoblinSmithy>> I swear if 18 Garrison NPCs show up...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm gonna burn this jungle to the ground.

That's when I saw them: countless Corsairs and Blue Mages and Puppet Masters. And their dollies, too.

GoblinSmithy>> Uhhh...
GoblinSmithy>> Listen, guys. It was all in good fun.
GoblinSmithy>> Right?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> right?

They descended on me like a pack of wild dogs. Toy guns and barbie dolls flew through the crowd. Rabbit Kicks poured down like rain.

I really wished Pathfinder were here.

Instead of me.

I was going down fast when I look up and see that first Corsair with a smug smile on his face.

That bastard.

So, with my last few breaths, I asked him a simple question.

GoblinSmithy>> Can I ask you something?
Corsair>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?
Corsair>> No.
Corsair>> Why?

And that's when I hit him right in the groin with my axe.

GoblinSmithy>> It's funny.
GoblinSmithy>> You look Jewish.

Nothing like a full force circumcision to make dying worthwhile.

I may have lost out to those new job idiots, but at least he'll have trouble with his expansion.

If you know what I mean.

I hate Corsairs.

I Enjoy Irony

I must say, since I started this blog, my life has become very ironic.

Ironical...

Whatever.

Things are strange.

Players keep coming up to me to shake my hand. I mean, what the hell's that about?

I'm a freakin' Goblin!

If you extend your hand for me to shake it, you're going to pull back a stump. Shake hands with my sword, moron.

This does, however, amuse me. To maintain the level of "Gobby Love", I am starting my own fan club.

That's right. You can be part of a club that pays homage to the greatest of Vana'diels champions: me.

Recently, I fell on hard times. It was a bad day to be a goblin. Then a bunch of readers started donating money to me.

Free money for writing stories about how I hate people. Sweet.

In order to keep the love train rolling, I'm going to repay their kindness with stabbings.

Wait...

Sorry. Force of habit.

With kindness.

At the end of each month, any "Pre-corpses", as I like to call you adventurers, who donated 5 dollars or more to the Smithy fund, will receive a membership to my fan club.

I know. You're almost wetting yourself with joy. It's okay.

Members will then receive a personal letter and story from me, along with a free wallpaper so that you can gaze on my beauty even when you're not playing.

Also, the meat shield that donates the most each month will be stabbed to death live in the blog, so the whole world can see.

Great, huh?

You don't have to donate. I know I've made some enemies in my day.

Mostly by making new airholes in people's torsos.

If you can't donate, that's cool. I don't mind. I love telling you guys about how dumb most of you adventurers are and relating the many deaths of Pathfinder. As long as you keep reading, I'll keep writing.

But this is just a way for me to give back to the people. The people who adore me.

Also, it makes it much funnier when I kill someone who actually signed up as a fan. Isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

Now, I've got to go kill me some n00bs and find something funny for a story later.

I'm in a groin-axe kind of mood today.

Garrison Schmarrison

Okay. Today, I reinforced the fact that I may possibly have brain damage.

That is the only way to explain the terrible lapse in judgement that lead me to sign up for Garrison again.

For some reason it sounded like a good idea at the time. It really did.

Visit far off outposts. Meet new people. Make money.

I mean, that sounds like a deal, right?

Right?

So, I convince Shaman and Pathfinder to come with me, and get ready to get my butt handed to me again.

At least if I'm going to die, I get to take Shaman and Pathfinder with me.

I mean, what are friends for?

We were waiting to warp to the Valkurm, when the other goblins start shouting about a change.

Being the honorable guy that I am, I was about to trip Pathfinder and take off running to save myself, when I heard it.

It was beautiful.

GoblinLeecher>> Big change guys.
GoblinLeecher>> We're doing the level 75 Garrison.

Oh yeah, baby. That's how Smithy rolls.

They split us up into groups and start hitting us with buffs. Shaman gets upgraded to a Goblin Professor and Pathfinder changes jobs to a Goblin Pirate.

GoblinPirate>> Arrrrrrrgg, Mateys. I'm a pirate!
GoblinSmithy>> You're an idiot.
GoblinPirate>> Hey, look!
GoblinPirate>> A plank!
GoblinSmithy>> Go fall on something pointy.

I was hoping he'd be a Goblin Corpse, but sadly, no luck.

But then something weird happened. The guys got warped to the outpost.

Without me.

I swear if I miss Pathfinder getting murdered, I'm going to be pissed.

Then, suddenly, I felt my body rush with power. My muscles started to pulse with electricity.

And not electricity like Thundaga III. Believe you me, that feels a hell of a lot different.

I looked up and saw my new name. Honestly, I couldn't help but smile.

Goblin Boss

Damn straight.

Just as I'm asking myself if this could get any better, I get warped over to the outpost.

Ninja>> Hold them back, guys.
Ninja>> We're doing okay.
RedMage>> Keep provoking!
BlackMage>> Watch the NPCs.

There was a huge group of adventurers swarming around Shaman and Pathfinder.

I would have waited for them to both die, but I was in a stabbing mood.

And then they saw me.

WhiteMage>> Sweet merciful christ!
RedMage>> WE'RE DEAD!
Thief>> Oh my GAWD!
Ninja>> What the hell is that?
GoblinBoss>> TONY DANZA, BITCHES!

They weren't ready for me. I cut through their ranks like a hot knife through torso.

Dead adventurers fell in piles around my feet. Big piles.

Big, stupid piles.

Everything was perfect. Everything.

And then I saw one little Dragoon all by himself. One last little Elvaan between me and victory.

I wonder if Wyverns taste like chicken...

I was just about to nerf his lungs with my sword when I heard a low rumble.

A low rumble that was getting louder.

Much louder.

And then 18 freakin' NPCs came over a sand dune. 18 blood thirsty level 75 NPCs.

Things got blurry (read: painful) after that.

If I ever agree to do Garrison again, I want someone to hold me underwater until I stop kicking.

I hate Garrison.

Shiver Me Timbers

Did you really think I wouldn't have something to say about the Corsairs?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I just don't get it. I honestly don't.

Perhaps one of you people (read: morons) can explain it to me.

You have so many jobs available to you. You can be a Dark Knight wielding huge weapons and powerful magic. You could be a Black Mage and harness the elemental forces, bending them to your will. You could be a ninja and employ mystical arts to evade opponents.

But you just had to be a pirate.

A pirate.

What is wrong with you people?

You are living in an amazing fantasy world where warriors and mages fight against monsters, and you just had to be a pirate.

Now, here's where you explain why...

Go ahead...

You can't, can you?

You spent so long writing "OMFG we need teh pir8te in FFXI" forum threads, that you never really asked yourself why.

And now, you're trying to look serious wearing a pirate hat and a frilly shirt.

I'm going to be really scared of you.

Just as soon as I can stop laughing.

By the way, Jack Sparrow called. He says you're retarded.

Today, I had the pleasure (read: misfortune) of fighting against a party with a Pirate in Yhoator Jungle.

I mean a Corsair.

No. I was right the first time. I meant a Pirate.

Ninja>> Provoke -> Goblin Smithy!
Ninja>> Let me get hate first.
RedMage>> Casting (( Slow )) on Goblin Smithy.
Corsair>> Using Chaos Roll
Corsair>> C'MON 4!
GoblinSmithy>> Wait a second...
GoblinSmithy>> Is he serious?
WhiteMage>> Who?
GoblinSmithy>> Black Beard the Moron over there.
GoblinSmithy>> Is he kidding?
Corsair>> What? Hell no!
GoblinSmithy>> What's with the gun?
GoblinSmithy>> Does that shoot darts or those nerf balls?
Corsair>> Shut up!
Ninja>> He's kind of got a point.
Monk>> The gun is a little much.
Corsair>> I said shut up!
GoblinSmithy>> Careful, guys...
GoblinSmithy>> That supersoaker of his might go off.
Corsair>> I hate you.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't you mean "Rrrrrrrrrrrrr"?
Corsair>> I'll show you.
Corsair>> If I roll a 4, you are so dead.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you have to roll to be less retarded?
Corsair>> Dammit! Shut the hell up!
GoblinSmithy>> Can I say one last thing?
Corsair>> WHAT?
GoblinSmithy>> What's Peter Pan like?
Corsair>> ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GoblinSmithy>> Told you so.
Corsair>> I HATE YOU!

He must have rolled the wrong number or something because the next thing you know, he had a new job Trait.

Job Trait: Face Shield
- automatically raises the level of knife in face

Maybe he should have rolled a 4.

Seriously, guys. Get a real job.

Unless you're six years old. And then, totally be a Pirate.

I hate Corsairs.

Are You Stupid Or Something?

That was a rhetorical question.

What the hell is wrong with people? Are you guys getting lazy or just dumber?

You can answer both.

Whatever happened to people actually getting in and fighting their own fight? Whatever happened to a mano a mano conflict?

Or... a mano a goblo conflict...

I was okay with Beastmasters. They've got their whole pet thing which is kind of cool.

I mean, it sucks getting beat up by another monster, but stuff like that happens. I can't hold that against the Beastmaster.

Besides, usually those guys are right in there with their little buddy, swinging that axe like I'm a freakin' tree. That's cool. At least they're working.

Then there were the Dragoons. I was cool with that because that's like their best friend. They've got a little blue wyvern to back them up.

Plus, they love those little blue things. Practically cry on my shoes when I bomb one of those buggers out of the sky.

And they do most of the fighting which is honorable. I can accept that.

Now, Summoner... Summoner is where the wheels started to come off the wagon.

A Summoner just rips some innocent avatar out of the ether, tells him/her to go get stabbed in the face a few dozen times, and then just tosses him/her to the curb.

I mean, where's the justice?

Some little guy is just sitting in the back trying not to fall asleep while his pet is doing all the real work. Yeah, that sounds fair.

And who cares if the pet dies, right? I can just call him right back to get stabbed and maimed all over again.

This brings me to Puppetmaster...

Are you guys stupid?

Honestly. Are you? It's just between me and you.

Nope, your own wyvern wasn't good enough. Nope, calling other beasts to help you wasn't good enough. Nope, summoning magical creatures to do your bidding wasn't good enough.

You guys had to go and play with your dollies.

Read that again. You are going into battle with your dolly.

Here's a new macro for you Puppetmasters:

/equip Main "Barbie"
/equip Ranged "Ken's Testicles"
/sh I'M A BIG FRICKIN' GIRL!

Did you even consider this before you set off for battle? Did it not enter your mind that your only weapon has summer outfits and an optional dream home?

Tell you what: I'll be over here with all the big people, using our real weapons, and you can come over after play time, Suzie.

Wouldn't want to wrinkle your pretty dress.

Damn, I hate Puppetmasters.

Smithy's Got A Way With The Ladies

Even goblins get lonely sometimes.

I mean, we spend all of our time lurking in the jungles or skulking through huge empty caverns.

It gets depressing.

I'd think of my wife, but then it just gets more depressing.

So, when a group of all female adventurers ran by me in the jungle today, I decided to throw on some of the old Smithy charm and check them out.

Maybe if I was lucky, I could give a new meaning to the old "face stab".

You know what I'm saying?

You know?

You don't know.

Anyway...

I run up to them and decide the best way to get their attention is to stab one of them in the back of the head.

Don't worry though. I picked the ugly one.

If I'd stabbed her in the front of the head, it would have been doing her a favor.

So, the whole group whips around and forms a circle around me.

Oh yeah. There's enough Smithy to go around.

Ninja>> Provoke --> Goblin Smithy
Thief>> Let me get in position.
RedMage>> Careful. He's IT++.
GoblinSmithy>> So are you, baby.
BlackMage>> ...
BlackMage>> wtf was that?
GoblinSmithy>> If I cast tractor on you...
GoblinSmithy>> would you let me move your body?
Warrior>> Someone kill me.
WhiteMage>> Oh my god...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you just cast raise?
GoblinSmithy>> Cause I feel something raising.
Ninja>> Is he...
Ninja>> He's hitting on us.
RedMage>> This isn't going to end well.
GoblinSmithy>> It could end with breakfast in bed...
GoblinSmithy>> If you play your cards right.
Thief>> I'm going to SATA Shadowstitch him.
Thief>> Then we can all run for it.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know what you're doing back there.
Thief>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> But you really should buy me dinner first.
Thief>> I'm going to vomit.
Ninja>> ZONE!
GoblinSmithy>> Playing hard to get?
Ninja>> ZONEZONEZONE!

Turns out they were just a bunch of teases. They get me all warmed up and then take off running.

I have feelings too, you know.

At least, I think I do.

I mean, I laugh when people get stabbed. That's almost a feeling, right?

In the end, I felt the best way for me to communicate my feelings of unhappiness to their group was to stab each of them in the spine.

Tough love.

Blue Mages Taste Like Chicken.

Now, that didn't take long at all, did it?

Today, I got my first shot at a new Blue Mage. How do I describe the situation?

Is underwhelmed a word?

I was really expecting more from these guys. I mean, for all the "OMG mak blu mages PLZ!" crap people have been shouting for years, I really expected Blue Mages to be scary.

You're not scary.

Ironically, these morons just keep running around asking me to kill them with a bomb.

Asking? Hell, they're begging me.

This morning, things were starting to look normal again. I was hanging out in Yuhtunga. You know, making idiots regret having farmed up those three keys.

So, I see a party hdiing out behind one of those walls...

Side note: what the hell are those walls for anyway? They're made of sticks for Altana's sake. Sticks.

Anyway, this is a nice level 25 or so party and they're beating up a Mandy. I decide to join the party.

Now, I'm not pro-mandy or anything. Those little bastards are annoying as hell. But I just can't stand to see a White Mage not being stabbed in the face.

I wade into the battle and the White Mage takes two shots before they even know what's going on.

They start to panic.

Paladin>> Oh shit! We're dead.
WhiteMage>> Provoke DAMMIT!
Warrior>> Should we zone?
BlueMage>> No. Wait for him to drop a bomb.

I'm sorry. What did that moron just say?

BlueMage>> I need him to drop a bomb.

Okay, this boy is just plain damned crazy. His next piece of body armor is going to have sleeves that fasten in the back, if you know what I mean.

Paladin>> Shut up. We're zoning.
WhiteMage>> Christ, I'M DYING OVER HERE! PROVOKE!
Dragoon>> Let's just get out of here.
BlueMage>> Go if you want. I'm staying.

And the award for dumbest thing ever said goes to...

Dragoon>> Fine with me. Later.
Paladin>> Have fun.
WhiteMage>> I'M DEAD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
WhiteMage>> DON'T ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO PROVOKE?
BlueMage>> He's all mine now.

Apparently, the quest to unlock the Blue Mage job requires several blows to the head.

Good to know.

So, the other five take off. Well... the other four. Their White Mage is currently attempting to breath dirt.

GoblinSmithy>> Is this a joke or something?
GoblinSmithy>> Am I on Candid Camera?
BlueMage>> Drop a bomb.
GoblinSmithy>> Who in the what now?
BlueMage>> Drop a bomb!
BlueMage>> I want to learn Bomb Toss.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I can help you there.
BlueMage>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> First you find someone who is functionally retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> That would be you.
BlueMage>> HEY!
GoblinSmithy>> Are you writing this down?
BlueMage>> You're a jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Some thanks I get for trying to help.
GoblinSmithy>> Damned retards.
BlueMage>> I'm not retarded!
GoblinSmithy>> You are from where I'm standing.
BlueMage>> Just drop a bomb would you?
GoblinSmithy>> I rest my case, your honor.
BlueMage>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> *coughretardcough*
BlueMage>> What did you say?
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't say anything.
GoblinSmithy>> *coughRETARDcough*
BlueMage>> I heard that.
GoblinSmithy>> Heard what?
GoblinSmithy>> Retard.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah... cough.
BlueMage>> DROP A DAMNED BOMB ALREADY!
GoblinSmithy>> No problem. In fact, you get today's special.
BlueMage>> What's today's special?
GoblinSmithy>> Every bomb comes with a side order of knife.

*FACESTAB*

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, look!
GoblinSmithy>> You have 1 hp left.

*BOMBTOSS*

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, look!
GoblinSmithy>> You have -134 hp left.
BlueMage>> You're an ass.
GoblinSmithy>> Why so blue?

Learn that, you jumped up moron.

Damn, I hate Blue Mages.

A Serious Note

Sorry to disappoint you, but this will not be another episode of A Smithy's Life.

I am seriously considering quitting this blog.

I love writing these stories. I probably laugh more than you do reading them. They're every weird, funny thought Ihave during the day put into story form, and I just love doing it.

But recent events have taken some of that joy away.

I was running ads on the top of both of my blogs to generate some additional revenue. It was not a lot of money, but it made the blog feel all the more worthwhile. Like I was making money doing something that I honestly enjoyed.

It was never about the money to begin with. I've been writing humor stories and posts on countless forums for years. These blogs simply offered a new outlet for my creativity. These blogs were just another way for me to entertain my fellow FFXI players and, hopefully, bring them a much deserved laugh.

They money was, however, cool. It felt like a form of feedback really on howmany people checked my blog each day. My funnier days, I seemed to generate more clicks. It was something I could use to understand how you liked or disliked the days update. As well, the ads didn't cost my readers anything.

The company that delivered those ads, however, has decided that I was attempting to generate false revenue by inflating the clicks on my ads. At least, that's what I got from the form letter e-mail I received telling me that all the money I had earned was being taken away for no apparent reason.

I've gone through the appeal process with no success. They've refused to give me any idea why my account is being closed or any proof of impropriety. Basically, it amounts to they have the money so they can take it away.

Unfortunately, this entire situation has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. It's kind of hard to come up with funny ideas after someone basically accuses you of cheating and then takes $100 on you.

As of right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I feel cheated and mistreated. I also don't really feel like being funny right now.

You never know. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up and feel like writing again. I really hope so.

If not, I'm glad you enjoyed this blog and I'm glad I was able to make your day just a little brighter for such a short time.

Remember, I'll always hate you.

-Goblin Smithy

Lonely, I Am So Lonely

It is dead here in the Jungles. Absolutely dead.

And not like 25 WAR/ 10 WHM dead either.

There's just nobody here. Every now and then, a high level will run through on their way somewhere, but damn if I'm aggroing one of those guys.

I'm quite happy with the current number of holes in my body, thank you very much.

I never thought I'd actually say it, but I'd love to see an adventurer right now. Even a total and utter n00b would make a great distraction.

As it is, Shaman, Pathfinder, and I are just waiting around for somebody to show up.

We considered going to unlock the new jobs, but quickly dropped that idea when we realized how many people were there.

Besides that new AF gear would make my hips look fat.

I was just about to call it a day when a nice mid-level player wandered by.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, guys. You want to link and team up on that guy?
GoblinPathfinder>> YEAH! That sounds like fun.
GoblinShaman>> Are you sure?
GoblinShaman>> He looks tough.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't you trust me?
GoblinShaman>> No. Not really.
GoblinPathfinder>> C'mon. Let's do it.
GoblinSmithy>> That's the spirit.
GoblinPathfinder>> Look!
GoblinPathfinder>> A path!
GoblinSmithy>> I despise you.
GoblinShaman>> I guess we can ry.
GoblinSmithy>> All right! CHARGE!

We charged toward him, but as Pathfinder took the lead, I grabbed Shaman by the arm and pulled him to a stop.

I must admit, it was kind of amusing watching Pathfinder charge headlong into a level 55 Thief. Kind of like watching a car accident in slow motion.

Well... except replace one car with a knife and the other car with Pathfinder's lungs.

Still, it was pretty funny.

GoblinPathfinder>> You're a prick.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. I didn't hear that.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you have too much knife in your throat.
GoblinPathfinder>> Haha. Very funny.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> I mean, I know it was funny.
GoblinSmithy>> But I didn't think you'd appreciate the humor.
GoblinPathfinder>> I really hate you.
GoblinSmithy>> It was only a joke.
GoblinSmithy>> He's still here, so if you hp, we can get revenge.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Hurry up!

So, Pathfinder homepoints and then runs right back to our camp. Luckily, the Thief was still there.

GoblinSmithy>> Are you ready?
GoblinSmithy>> Let's really beat him down this time.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you going to let him get away with what I did to you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Hell no!
GoblinSmithy>> Then let's DO IT!

With a deafening yell, we charged toward the Thief.

Or, more aptly, Pathfinder charged toward the Thief.

Things did not turn out well.

GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong, Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> You're looking down.
GoblinPathfinder>> YOU BASTARD!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't talk to Shaman like that.
GoblinSmithy>> He's sensitive.
GoblinPathfinder>> I meant you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> Would you believe it was an accident?
GoblinPathfinder>> An accident?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah. I slipped on oneof your internal organs from last time.
GoblinSmithy>> You know, when I got you killed earlier.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're a jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> I think it was a kidney.
GoblinPathfinder>> I really hate you.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait.
GoblinSmithy>> I have some good news.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really? What?
GoblinSmithy>> Your bee survived.
GoblinPathfinder>> He did?
GoblinSmithy>> Until I stepped on him.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> I thought you said you had good news.
GoblinSmithy>> I do.
GoblinSmithy>> I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance...

I didn't see Pathfinder after that. He must have had something else to do.

Luckily, the day was looking much more amusing.

Slow days are so much better when you have friends to send to their death.

P.S. I hate Pathfinder.

I Give It One Week

That's how long I figure it will be before my lovely jungles are overrun by Pirates, Geppetos, and Mimes.

Sorry.

I mean Corsairs, Puppetmasters, and Blue Mages.

Why does everyone have to pick up a new job the exact second it becomes available? I mean, why?

Remember when the NPCs first came out? Remember the 5 hour long lines (and those stupid bastard line cutters) that you had to wait for just to get to the next part of the quest?

The smart people who waited even a few days didn't have to wait in line at all. And all they lost was not having an NPC that first day.

BOO FRICKEN' HOO.

There are so many other things you could do. And let's not even consider the fact that the huge flood of these jobs will make it nearly impossible to get a Dunes party, so you're stuck at level 12.

And who doesn't love having to buy low level armor at five times the regular price due to increased demand?

YAY for economics!

Here's exactly what I imagine the Jungles will look like in one week:

Corsair85>> lvl 25 COR lfg
Puppetmaster27>> Level 24 PUP looking for party
Corsair63>> level 25 COR lfg (( Please invite me. ))
Bluemage12>> im a blue mage
Bluemage54>> level 24 BLU lfp
Ninja2>> Level your damned subs.
Puppetmaster49>> How do you unlock Corsair?
Corsair85>> (( I don't know how to answer that. ))
Bluemage12>> im a blue mage
Goblinsmithy>> I'm going to stab you all in the eyes!
Goblinsmithy>> Shut up, you damned n00bs!
Bluemage12>> im a blue mage
Corsair63>> level 25 COR lfg (( Please invite me. ))
GoblinSmithy>> I HATE YOU ALL!

I swear to you right now, if you step into my jungle among the flood of new job n00bs, I am not responsible for whatever may happen to you...

...whatever knife-face stabbing related incidents may happen to you.

Pretenders to the Throne

This is a special post for a few special friends of mine.

And I mean short bus kind of special.

I understand that you read this blog and want to be like me. Hell, everyone wants to be like the Smithy.

But you can't.

Suddenly though, every mob and his ugly mother are starting their own blogs, trying (ever so futilely) to be as cool as me. But sadly (and by sadly, I mean happily) these posers won't succeed.

You just don't have what it takes. Noone is more universally recognized (or universally hated) than the Goblin Smithy. I am the KING.

Sure, people kill you guys. That's kind of the nature of the game. Adventurers kill monsters.

But they kill you because they have to. You're just another name.

The name Goblin Smithy, though. Now, that inspires fear. You cannot imagine the number of players that would practically wet themselves at my mere presence.

That is what makes this blog worth reading. People want to gain a better understanding of an enemy that haunted them so terribly for so long.

You guys writing blogs is kind of weak.

Seriously. Noone wants to read your copycat, emo ramblings.

I know what happened. You saw that people liked this blog and you wanted to be popular, too. So, you started your own little blog in hopes of someone liking you.

It's kind of sad really (except replace sad with pathetic and replace pathetic with really pathetic).

I'm not saying noone will read your stupid blogs. They won't, but I'm not saying that.

I'm too nice a guy to be mean like that.

On an unrelated note: noone will read your stupid blogs.

Why don't you take the time to come up with an original idea? You know, if that doesn't hurt your little brains too much. Damn tracers.

I hate posers.

Don't Hate the Game. Hate the Player.

You.

Yes, I'm talking to you.

I don't like you.

Why is it that I can't have just one day of peace and quiet? Not one.

No. People just like you have to do stupid things and make me have to do extra work. Always with the running and the chasing and the stabbing.

Stabbin' ain't easy, yo.

Okay, here's a list of things you can do to NOT piss me off in future:

a) Don't run in front of me. Ever. Ever ever.

You run in front of me and I have to chase you. It's my job. But now, I'm running after you in hot, heavy (and very painfully chafing) armor.

That's not good for anyone. I'm getting uncomfortable and I'm going to have to beat you extra hard for making me uncomfortable.

b) If you do run in front of me, just freakin' die.

Seriously. Stand still and die. You're not going to make it to the zoneline.

Just man up and take one for the team (read: me). Do not attempt to run away.

But since you wimps always run, let's just move on, shall we?

c) If you do attempt to run away, take your damned party with you.

Honestly. Just take your whole damn group with you. All of them.

Yes, even the Galka.

If you don't, then as soon as you die, I have to walk all the way back to your camp to kill them.

Earlier today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle in front of a cave a little way away from the zonelines. You know, very few people around.

I'm just starting to think that I might actually get a day's vacation from the usual adventurer stupidity, when a party runs by me and into the cave.

Annoyance level: 13%

I try to ignore them and relax, but then the Thief has to walk right in front of me.

So, I start swinging and, of course, he starts running (they always run) for the zoneline.

But his party waits.

The Thief makes it pretty far, I will give him. I mean, it must be hard to run with an iron sword imbedded in your spine.

Then, I have to walk all the damned way back to his party.

Annoyance level: 29%

I finally get back and what happens? The first guy I aggro takes off running.

So, now I have to chase him toward the zoneline.

And his party waits.

Annoyance level: 41%

He dies a little faster than the Thief, but I'm still a good ways away from their camp.

Sigh.

I walk all the way back again and what happens? As soon as I aggro the Monk, he takes off running.

AND HIS PARTY WAITS.

Annoyance level: 74%

Oh, that's freaking it. I'd had it. I cut that Monk up proper.

But I didn't walk straight back.

Oh no.

I took a stroll through some nearby tunnels and found a few friends.

Friends that link.

I then waited for the dead players to get raised and make it back to camp. They must suffer, as well.

My friends (read: sword toting army) and I walk quickly to their camp. Just as we're about to turn the last corner, I overhear them talking.

(Monk) Did you guys see that stupid Gobby?
(Thief) Yeah. What an idiot.
(White Mage) And damn he was ugly.

I hope they saw my smile before 87 Goblin Smithys charged around the turn and ground them into a fine paste.

Maybe next time, they'll be more careful NOT TO PISS ME OFF.

Damn, this subligar chafes a lot.

Weight Issues

Alternate title: "I love it when you call me big Galka..."

Okay, I think it's time that we had an intervention for the Galkas.

I mean, damn, guys. No healthy person should be that size.

I've seen planets smaller than the average Galka.

And, honestly, it's not good for anybody. I practically have a heart attack everytime I have to try and stab one of those guys to death. It's like trying to till a corn field with a fork.

And the Galkas... they practically have a heart attack everytime they take a deep breath.

Seriously.

This morning, I was working in Yuhtunga Jungle. I was on duty just outside the Kazham zoneline and things were going great.

I had a pile of n00b bodies that would make my mama proud.

Then, this level 30 Galka Warrior runs by me. Going INTO my jungle.

Oh... he was soooooo gonna die.

So, I follow him a little ways and when I have him all to myself, and a safe distance from any zoneline, I pounce.

I mean, I'm on him like a gil seller on Mee Deggi. I'm all over him.

Stab. Stab stab. Stabbity stab stab. Stabstabstab. Stab. Stabbity stabbity stab.

Stab.

Stab...

Dear Altana, when is this guy going to die?

Stab.

And that's when I realize how damn big this guy was.

Stab.

He was freakin' HUGE! I mean, all this stabbing and he's barely even bleeding. I can barely reach past his waist.

Stabbity stab.

Galka>> Ow! My knee!

Sweet, merciful Altana! I feel like I'm trying to solo Aspidochelone.

Well... a hairy, smelly Aspidochelone at any rate.

Stabstab.

I'm starting to get tired from all of this running and stabbing, when I realize how close we are to Yhoator Jungle. Big, tall, and ugly here has managed to run almost the whole way through the jungle.

Stab.

That did it for me. This pig was going down. Video game or no, noone walks through my jungle and lives.

I double up my efforts and start to see progress. It'll be close, but I think I'm going to get him before the zoneline.

Stabbity.

Then, just as we come around the last corner, I look up to see 5 Galkas waiting for him.

The rest of his party.

*whimper*

Long story short, I got beat down by 6 Blitz Buffalo looking bastards. Toward the end, I just got so sick of being surrounded by huge walls of flesh (and the smell), that I dropped a bomb and killed myself.

Honestly, guys. It's time to hit the gym. Drink some milkshakes, cut the carbs, something.

Damn, I hate Galkas.

A Clarification

I would like to clear up a misconception. A misconception on your part.

We understand that this is a video game.

Every mob you kill, every beastman you slay, every goblin you die to knows that this is a video game.

That, however, makes our jobs all the sweeter.

You log into your nice, little MMORPG and come after us. We log in and wait for you.

We wait and know that there's a good chance that we're going to die.

That's part of our job.

We don't lose exp, we don't lose gil, and we certainly don't lose sleep over it.

But you adventurers... oh, you sweet, clueless adventurers...

You drive yourselves mad over every death. Every time you see your name turn grey and your body go limp, you die a little inside.

In the real world.

So, we win. Every time, we win.

Come after me, you tiny, insignificant adventurers. Play your video game. Play your MMORPG.

Cause I always win.

Dynamis - Attempt 3

I have never claimed to be a fast learner.

No, no. But even I had thought I was smart enough to stay away from the flesh melting hell that is Dynamis.

Horribly burn and disfigure me once (or twice. stupid Pathfinder), shame on you. Horribly burn and disfigure me three times, shame on me.

Apparently, I'm a slower learner than I thought.

So, I head into Dynamis and, immediately, I run for my life. Even if I am a slow learner, I'm not stupid.

Hiding = No Burning

No Burning = Yay!

I was running full speed, looking for a place to hide. Unfortunately, Dynamis is so freakin' dark that I couldn't even see where I was going.

And my mask wasn't exactly helping the situation.

Finally, I see a little space around a wall to hide in. I look around everywhere for adventurers and then duck behind the wall...

And run face first into Shaman.

VanguardShaman>> Smithy!
VanguardShaman>> I almost lit you up.
VanguardSmithy>> Yeah.
VanguardSmithy>> Cause that's never happened to me before.
VanguardShaman>> Oh. Right.
VanguardSmithy>> Shut up.
VanguardShaman>> The scars are looking much...
VanguardSmithy>> SHUT UP!
VanguardSmithy>> This could be worse, you know.
VanguardSmithy>> Pathfinder could be here.

The second I said it, I knew it was a mistake.

Just as the words left my mouth, Pathfinder came around the corner.

VanguardPathfinder>> Hey! Shaman! And Smitty!
VanguardSmithy>> Die in a fire.
VanguardPathfinder>> What?
VanguardShaman>> He said "Hi".
VanguardSmithy>> I said "DIE IN A FIRE!"
VanguardPathfinder>> Always kidding around, Smitty.
VanguardSmithy>> That's me. Always joking.
VanguardSmithy>> die in a fire, you stupid bastard.

Things were looking pretty good when, suddenly, we heard approaching footsteps and shouting.

I looked a Shaman and he looked back at me. We both nodded.

VanguardSmithy>> Hey, Pathfinder, old buddy.
VanguardSmithy>> Stick your head out and see who's out there.
VanguardPathfinder>> Okay.

Apparently, he is good for something...

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.

... Like kindling.

VanguardSmithy>> Oh DAMN!
VanguardPathfinder>> Is that bad?
VanguardSmithy>> Shaman, he's toast!
VanguardSmithy>> RUN FOR IT!

We took off running. I mean, we took off like OJ Simpson.

After a quick sprint, Shaman and I stopped to catch our breath. By my count, Pathfinder should be doing a good impression of the Human Torch in about 4 seconds.

3 seconds.

2 seconds.

VanguardPathfinder>> Hey, guys... why are we running?

He didn't just say we, did he?

1 second.

VanguardSmithy>> Remind me to hurt you. A lot.

Damn, I hate Pathfinder.

Oh. And Firaga III. I hate Firaga III.

Wives, Knives, and Lost Lives

As I mentioned, I'm married. I am madly, head over heels in love with my wife.

Now, I'll be the first to agree that she is dogbone ugly. I mean, damn. Even Tiamat wouldn't aggro that thing.

People kept telling me it wouldn't work. I'm a goblin and she's a crime against nature.

But I love her anyway. (Plus, between you, me, and the blog, she is an absolute freak in bed)

So, given the fact that I love her, I get mighty upset when people insult my wife. And by mighty upset, I mean I get mighty homicidal.

Yesterday evening, I was taking my wife on a lovely walk through Rolanberry Fields.

It was funny. We stopped for a minute and when I started walking with her again, I asked her if she had changed her hair.

Turns out, I was walking with a Goobue.

Anyway, as we're taking an leisurely stroll a bunch of n00b adventurers run up and start screaming.

Player1>> OH MY LORD! WTF IS THAT?!
Player2>> I hope my videocard is broken.
Player3>> MY EYES! MY EYES!
Player1>> Someone call a GM!
Player3>> Kirin had a baby with Argus!
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up, you little bastards!
Player2>> OMG! It's got a pet goblin!
Player1>> Probably for lunch.
Player3>> Why God why?
GoblinSmithy>> You asked for it.

Now, they started running (they always run). But they didn't seem to be running from me.

They were running from her.

I was pissed!

Those little n00b punks were gonna die.

So, I start stabbing away. Face stab, neck stab, face stab, groin stab.

Groinstabgroinstabgroinstab.

But they didn't even notice. They just kept screaming (in terror, not pain).

And worse yet, when they died, they all seemed relieved.

Player2>> Oh thank goodness.
Player1>> Sweet merciful death.
Player3>> Yay! I landed face down!

How could I make them suffer? How could I make them pay?

That's when it came to me.

GoblinSmithy>> Honey?
MrsSmithy>> Yes, dear?
GoblinSmithy>> Sit on them.

I can still hear the screaming.

I hate n00bs.

Because He's a Fungi.

What is up with Funguars?

I mean, what are they supposed to be? A frog? A mushroom?

I'm not a biologist or anything, but last time I checked those came from different kingdoms. I mean, I've never seen a fish-tree or a bird-flower.

But a fungus-frog? Oh yeah, that makes perfect freakin' sense.

Do you know how annoying those things are?

I was on duty in Ordelle's Caves again and accidentally wandered into the Waterfall room. Suddenly, a key party runs up and starts stabbing me.

A lot.

You cannot imagine the horrible gleam in their eyes as they bashed and slashed away at me, looking for a key.

Now, I'm holding my own. A couple of quick face stabs and they're dropping fast, but there were just too damned many of them.

So, I start looking around for an escape route when I see an army of Funguars just hanging out.

Jackpot.

With a few of them behind me, I'll be knee deep in n00b corpses.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Funguar! Give me a hand here!
GoblinSmithy>> Kill the White Mage.

Silence. I mean, they don't even look up at me.

Side note: Do they even look? They don't have eyes as far as I can tell. Or ears. Weird.

But I'm starting to get worried. Damned cheating adventurers and their huge key farming parties.

Six versus one isn't bad enough. Now, they have to bring eight or nine people to beat on me.

GoblinSmithy>> Dammit, man, help me out here.
GoblinSmithy>> Poison them or something.
GoblinSmithy>> Or just breathe on them heavily.
GoblinSmithy>> ANYTHING!

But no. Those stupid damned Funguars just sit there and watch me die. I hope those bastards have pain receptors cause when I get up, someone is going to die.

And then, as if dying wasn't bad enough, one of those Funguars finally decides to answer me.

Funguar>> I'm sorry, your princess is in another castle.

Damn, I hate Funguars.

Stupid DRKS!

Seriously. What the hell?

Who brings a scythe to a fight?

A sword I get. An axe. Even a lance. Those are all good. Katanas make sense, too.

But a scythe? Really?

Were you guys out tending a field and just got called into battle?

I'm sure you had time to go home and get a real weapon. I don't see anyone coming in with a damned tractor, so you could have done your part.

I understand what you're going for. Oooooooooooo, I'm the Grim Reaper. Look at my, big scary blade. Ooooooooooooo.

But honestly, you guys must have stopped one day and said "Is this really the most efficient weapon I could have brought?"

And the delay! Dear Altana!

I was fighting a DRK the other day and I had just enough time between swings to watch an entire season of the OC.

Of course, after I did, I wanted to die, but that's another story.

Seriously, guys, you're already the most emo job class out there. There's no point denying it. We all know it.

I mean your AF gear should come with black lipstick and a Jimmy Eat World CD.

Do you really need a giant emo weapon, too?

It gets annoying really.

Here's how every single fight with a DRK goes:

GoblinSmithy>> Know what your face needs? More knife.
DRK>> The darkness envelops my soul.
GoblinSmithy>> Who in the what now?
DRK>> I am a broken angel with mended wings.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh... oh... kay.
DRK>> My endless torment is without end.
GoblinSmithy>> Well it would be, wouldn't it?
GoblinSmithy>> If it had an end, it wouldn't be endless.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean, now you're annoying AND redundant.
DRK>> My soul sees the light of dawn.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait, wait, wait.
GoblinSmithy>> You said darkness envelops your soul.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, you're contradicting yourself.
DRK>> Tear my life into pieces...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord...
DRK>> This is my (( Last Resort ))
GoblinSmithy>> Tell you what...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm just going to kill myself, k?

*OWN FACE STAB*

GoblinSmithy>> Sweet, merciful, emo-less death.
DRK>> I raise the cold steel of my blade.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm DEAD!
GoblinSmithy>> You can shut the hell up now.

I realize that when you signed up for the DRK job, you were actively acknowledging that it was emo. You knew it from the get go.

The name of the job is Dark Knight, for Altana's sake. Your 2 hour is called 'Blood Weapon". This is not news to anyone.

But do we really need to hear about it every thirty seconds? Honestly?

You're all evil and dark and scary. We get it. Now, put down the scythe, get a real weapon...

AND STOP QUOTING SONGS IN YOUR DAMNED MACROS!

Damn, I hate DRKs.

Hate them, hate them, hate them.

Hate.

Are Adventurers Slow or Something?

Believe it or not, I receive a lot of feedback about this blog.

Uusually, the feedback comes in the form of an axe to the face, but occasionally, one of your adventurers manages to string a few words together and make a coherent sentence.

Good for you.

What I find bothersome though is that people are calling me unfair. A hypocrite, even.

Am I a hypocrite for saying 6 adventurers ganging up on one goblin is unfair, while we can link on you all day and murder your whole family?

No.

See, the difference is WE'RE THE BAD GUYS.

We're supposed to fight dirty. We're supposed to cheat.

I'm not being hypocritical. I'm just following my nature.

The fact that my nature requires me to stab people in the neck is just a perk, really.

You guys are supposed to be the "heroes". You know, all honorable and just. You guys are supposed to play fair and fight the good fight and all that other garbage that ends up with you having a neck full of blade.

Oh, the noble adventurer. Hero. Savior.

Pin cushion.

Earlier today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle and some absolute n00b runs by me and a few friends. We, of course, decide that someone this stupid must be beaten mercilessly.

Because we are oh so full of the mercy.

So, we follow him a little ways, taking a swing here and a swing there. You know, watching his hitpoints drop and giggling.

Finally, he takes the last hit and falls face first into the dirt. I'm trying to pull my sword out of his spine, when he starts sending me tells.

DeadGuy>> FOUL!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. What?
DeadGuy>> That was so a foul.
DeadGuy>> You cheated.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> How exactly did I "cheat"?
DeadGuy>> You guys ganged up on me.
DeadGuy>> That's unfair.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh my goodness, you're right.
GoblinSmithy>> That was unfair of us.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get you a tissue.
DeadGuy>> Hey! I'm going to call a GM on you!
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get this straight.
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to call a GM...
GoblinSmithy>> Because a bunch of goblins killed you.
DeadGuy>> Yeah!
GoblinSmithy>> What did you expect us to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Scold you verbally?

How can people be this stupid? Honestly, how do they even remember to breathe?

GoblinSmithy>> Tell you what: do you want me to get you a raise?
DeadGuy>> Yes. Right now.
GoblinSmithy>> No problem.

Luckily, there was a goblin leecher hanging out nearby waiting for a friend, so I called him over.

GoblinSmithy>> Could you raise this guy for me?
GoblinLeecher>> Really? Raise him?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah. It's a long story.

So Leecher goes ahead and raises him. The guy flops to his feet and starts brushing the dirt off.

GoblinSmithy>> There. How's that?
DeadGuy>> Much better. Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> You feel better now?
DeadGuy>> Yeah. I'm good.
GoblinSmithy>> Good.

*FACE STAB*

GoblinSmithy>> I'M A GOBLIN, YOU FREAKIN' MORON!
GoblinSmithy>> Now, you're dead twice for being extra stupid.
GoblinSmithy>> Idiot.

I'm a goblin. I'm not supposed to fight fair. I'm supposed to lie and cheat and gang up on you.

It's what I do.

So, it's not hypocritical or unfair of me to call you on the same shit I do. Cause I'm evil.

You want to be a hero, fine. But you guys have to play by the rules. I mean, you're the good guys.

I hate stupid people.

I Feel So Violated

What is wrong with Thieves?

Seriously.

What is wrong with you people?

Last night, I'm having a nice sensible fight. A group of adventurers has ganged up on me, but that's not unusual. They never fight fair.

But then what happens? The damned Thief sneaks up behind me and weaponskills me...

IN THE ASS!

I mean, we're having a nice normal fight. Eye stab here, face stab there. You know, fun.

And then Pervy McPerverson goes and violates me with a damned knife.

A knife.

What the hell is wrong with Thieves?

That's when I started to really think about it. I realized that every time I've ever fought a party with a Thief, EVERY DAMNED TIME, I got stabbed in the ass.

They even do it when they solo. I'll just be standing around, minding my own business (not inserting knives into people's rectums), and I will hear a soft rustling behind me. This is then followed by a Thief jamming a blade up in me out of nowhere.

If you want a coin, just damned ask me. I'll pay you not to stab me in the ass. One coin is not worth a Viper Bite to my large intestine.

What is wrong with you?

Perhaps you do not understand social etiquette. In most polite circles, it is not considered acceptable to insert your dagger into someone's colon.

Perhaps you do not understand the history of Thieves. Thieves are backstabbers. Get some damned glasses.

Honestly. You guys need to knock that shit off. It gets old. Fast.

I hate Thieves.

Lolbifrons

I was on duty in Beaucedine last night and I started to get tired.

Actually, it was freezing freakin' cold and I was wearing a metal subligar. "Things" were getting chapped.

I needed to find a place to crash for a while, so I decided to head over to Castle Zvahl.

Things were all right on the way there. Ran into a few adventurers, but a couple of stabs later and things were quiet again.

And then I made it to the Castle. I started wandering around looking for a place to relax, when I heard it.

Was it the crash of weapons as a mighty battle took place? Was it the sharp rattle of sword against shield? Was it the ritualistic chant as dark magic was summoned forth?

No. It was Dashboard Confessional.

That's when I ran into Count Bifrons. A notorious demon that inhabited this castle with his demon hoard.

Also, he is the emo-est damned thing you will ever meet.

Remember, you can't spell demon without the 'emo'.

CountBifrons>> Welcome to the Hellkeep, Goblin soldier.
CountBifrons>> I greet you as the darkness embraces the night.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
CountBifrons>> What do you mean, Harrier?
GoblinSmithy>> I mean you're supposed to be a freaking demon.
GoblinSmithy>> A spawn of hell.
GoblinSmithy>> And you're sitting here listening to emo music.
CountBifrons>> Do not mock the siren song of the world's ending.
GoblinSmithy>> Have you been crying?
CountBifrons>> I weep for the dawn that will come and banish the night.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you wearing lipstick?
CountBifrons>> ...
CountBifrons>> no.

I was tired when I got here. Now, I'm tired and annoyed.

GoblinSmithy>> Listen, Count Chocula...
CountBifrons>> My name is Count Bifrons, Lord of Demons.
GoblinSmithy>> Suuurrrrrrre it is.
GoblinSmithy>> Good luck with that.
GoblinSmithy>> I need to lie down for a while.
CountBifrons>> Would you make your bed among the shadows?
GoblinSmithy>> Uh... yeah. Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> Could you show me a bed?
GoblinSmithy>> And then go away?
CountBifrons>> I will indeed allow you respite in Hellkeep.
CountBifrons>> And as you slumber among the...
GoblinSmithy>> OH SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> You're a damned demon.
GoblinSmithy>> Act like it, you emo-tard.
CountBifrons>> I'll have to ask you to leave.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll have to ask you to shut the hell up.
GoblinSmithy>> Go cry on your Linkin Park CDs.
GoblinSmithy>> Moron.

I left all right. I'd rather freeze my tarus off than hang out anywhere near that freak.

Damn, I hate demons.

Recent Rumors

Recently, a certain goblin, who will remain nameless (and if I catch him, faceless), has made comments about me.

I would like to reply to these comments. And for dramatic effect, I will do this in the third person.

*ahem*

Goblin Smithy does not steal women. No. Occasionally (read: frequently), women will leave another man and come to Goblin Smithy.

This is not Goblin Smithy's fault. No. Goblin Smithy simply provides a service to women who are unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

Goblin Smithy is a port in a storm.

Goblin Smithy does feel bad for these other men. Not because their women have left them for Goblin Smithy. This is inevitable. But Goblin Smithy feels bad for them because these men can never hope to be Goblin Smithy.

Perhaps other goblins should man up, take care of their women, and stop blamin Goblin Smithy for their problems. Goblin Smithy is not the problem. Goblin Smithy is the solution.

Thank you.

Adventurers

Many adventurers often wonder what mobs must think of them. I can answer that in two simple words:

Not much.

Honestly, you guys are not all that impressive. Somedays, it's all I can do not to laugh in your faces as we fight (read: I kill you).

Let's start with the Humes.

Wow. What a creative species. Could you guys be anymore bland?

Seriously. Pick something and go with it. Good at melee or good at magic. Mediocre in both don't cut it around here.

And why do all of your guys look like members of a boy band? Everyone with the gelled hair and the incredibly feminine faces. Except the bald guy. Oh, no. He's the rebel of the boy band. We're sooooooo scared of you.

Next comes the Galkas.

Though I wish they didn't. Listen guys, I think it might be time to head to the gym.

The other day, I was in Rolanberry and got hit with some terrible lag. I had no idea what was going on. Was it an alliance of adventurers waging a battle?

Nope. It was one Galka. Just one. Takes some serious power to fill in the shading on an ass that big.

And ugly? Dear Altana, yes. You know why there are no Galka females? Suicide.

The only reason the Humes live with the Galka is because it actually makes them look good.

Hume>> I may not be great, but at least I don't look like Chewbacca had a baby with an elephant.

Next up are the Mithras.

You are a cat woman in an RPG setting. You didn't have a chance. Sexual harassment is just a prerequisite of the race.

But man, cat girls are nasty. Nothing like being in the middle of a heated battle and watching one of you chicks hack up a furball. Oh yeah, baby. That's attractive.

And don't even get me started on Manthras. Listen. I can run around all day saying I'm Guivre, but that doesn't make me a freakin' wyrm. YOU'RE A CHICK! Get over it.

And the Elvaan. What can I say about the Elvaan?

What's up with the necks guys? Seriously. I want to know. Is there a little Dhalmel in the genetic pool there somewhere?

Yeah, you guys are real strong. That's great and all, but my toaster has higher intelligence than you.

You're great with the two handed weapons, but who teaches you guys how to use them?

Read a book or something. It's kind of embarassing. Even the Galkas are laughing.

That leaves the Taru. I really like the Taru.

Little bit of butter and warmed over a fire, they make a nice snack.

I joke with you. You're really tough. I mean those magic spells can do some serious damage.

Of course, if you don't kill me on the very first spell, you're going to be toast. Your hp is so low, if a level 10 Taru equips an Astral Ring, he'll die.

And your defense? You're the only race that can double their defense by wearing another t-shirt under your armor. Tinfoil puts up more resistance.

Wow, you guys are really smart. You'd be great with those two handed weapons. If only you could lift them.

Now, I hope that helps to answer some of the questions you may have. Basically, if you ever wonder what a Goblin thinks of you, just punch yourself in the face a few times. That's pretty accurate.

I hate adventurers.

I'm Calling Greenpeace

There is something seriously wrong with Vana'diel.

I was taking a nice leisurely walk along the beach. The beach in Bibiki Bay, that is. If the walk had occurred in Valkurm, I would have to replace nice and leisurely with stupid and annoying.

So, I'm looking around and what do I see? An Eft.

What the hell is wrong with these things? They look like the bastard offspring of a rarab and a wyvern. I mean, damn, those things are nasty.

I find it difficult to believe that such an animal could have evolved naturally. Being that horrendously ugly must make mating difficult.

Of course, if the Galkas figured it out, why not the Eft, right?

And what the hell is a dhalmel? Honestly, it must be difficult to pile ugly that high.

In order to evolve long necks like that, shouldn't they exist in areas with tall trees? I may not be a Goblin Doctor, but I don't see how an extended neck can serve much purpose in grasslands and plains.

And don't even get me started on pugils.

Now, before you start commenting, I know we gobs aren't much to look at. I mean we don't wear these masks to hide our secret identities or anything.

But at least our disfigured faces are the result of "honest" combat. Goblins may not win any prizes, but at least we aren't born ugly.

Well... just between you and me, Shaman is just plain dog ugly. Seriously. He's the only gob with a lock on the back of his helmet.

He once managed to take it off during a battle. The ninja Majin Gakured just to get that sight out of his eyes. And I had never seen a Black Mage cast blind on himself before.

I had thought Shaman was the worst I would ever seen until today in Bibiki Bay.

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

I was strolling along the beach, picking off the occasional n00b party, when I ran into Hobgoblin Angler. This guy is basically me on steroids.

Just as I started talking to him (and ask a high level for some gil), he took off his mask.

Here's how the conversation went:

GoblinSmithy>> Wow! Nice gear.
HobgoblinAngler>> Thanks, man.
GoblinSmithy>> So what are you up to?
HobgoblinAngler>> Been fishing mostly. Kind of lonely out here.
HobgoblinAngler>> Damn, it's hot.

This is the point where he removed his mask. Instantly, I am assaulted by the sheer, hideous warping to his face.

But I remain cool.

GoblinSmithy>> Sweet Merciful Altana! WTF IS THAT?
GoblinSmithy>> Your face is eating itself.
HobgoblinAngler>> Excuse me?
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> The tide went out when you took your mask off.
HobgoblinAngler>> You rude little, bastard!
GoblinSmithy>> You pull out a face like that and I'm rude?
GoblinSmithy>> You should warn people.
GoblinSmithy>> Put some orange cones around that train wreck.

This is where he got realllllllly angry. I'm not certain why.

GoblinSmithy>> OH GAWD! Don't scowl!
GoblinSmithy>> Your face has actually folded in on itself!
HobgoblinAngler>> I am going to end you.
GoblinSmithy>> Could you get my eyes first?
GoblinSmithy>> That would be helpful.

I don't remember much after that. I passed out from either:

a) a series of powerful strikes to the head

b) the grotesque carnival sideshow that was his face

I'd actually bet my money on the face.

Note to self: next time, go to the dunes.

Delkf$#%'s Tower

So, I'm on duty in the tower. This is kind of cool because very few people bother me here.

Some days, you just need a break from all the maiming and the killing and the stabbing with the pointy knife.

I'm just walking around when I notice Ogygos down the hall.

Now giants are pretty cool guys usually. I mean, they're ugly as sin, but at least they're not Mamool Ja.

I head on over and start up a conversation with Ogygos. He shows me his bracelets and I resist the urge to snatch them and run.

I resist the urge simply because he'd hit me with a boulder from a mile away and then beat the living hell out of me. Such things can seriously affect your conscience. I'm a really nice guy when there's the threat of imminent death.

Man, those giants get some serious "bling". They get awesome bracelets and I get armor made from a 1982 station wagon. Yeah... that's real damned fair.

So, we continue to chat for a while when suddenly he starts to giggle. I turn around and see a Ranger standing just down the hallway.

Ranger readies Eagle Eye Shot.

Ogygos>> Oh man. This is gonna hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> Haha... You're toast.
Ogygos>> I hate you, Jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Sticks and stones may break my bones...
GoblinSmithy>> But arrows'll kill your ass.

And then an interesting thing happened. Apparently, a convergence of a poor base agility stat and a lack of proper ranged accuracy gear, came together in a single unfortunate event:

I GOT SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE FREAKING HEAD!

I mean, POW! I'm looking at poor, soon-to-be-dead Ogygos and then, suddenly, there's 6 inches of arrow where my brain should be.

Apparently, a 1982 station wagon could not resist serious arrow damage. Good to know.

I go down like a prom date and watch breathlessly (literally), while Ogygos redesigns the poor Ranger's skeletal structure.

After the young Ranger has been re-educated in normal social conduct (read: his spine was pulled out through his face), Ogygos was kind enough to call for a raise for me.

As I'm being raised, Ogygos says he feels really bad and offers me a reward for my pain.

I am suddenly rejuvenated. That arrow hurt like a Mamool Ja spelling bee, but it will be well worth it for a set of Gigas bracelets. He reaches in his pocket and hands me...

Gigas socks.

Socks.

Gigas socks.

Multiple Choice Question: I hate?

a) Rangers
b) Gigas
c) All of the above

If you did not answer 'c', please take an aspirin. To the temple. Applied with a gun.

I hate this stupid tower.

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen

Recently, I pointed out that I hate heroes.

And I do.

But there is one factor of the high level hero that I absolutely love:

Retribution.

ie. Revenge.

Every one of those high level superheroes started out as a low level and was forced to meet the business end of my knife. It's like a rite of passage. Only more like a rite of "being horribly stabbed in the face, neck, and chest until I can get out of this god forsaken jungle".

I have dealt each of them a killing blow and watched them quiver as they died. I have then stood on top of their bodies to make a raise practically impossible.

Then, the day comes when they're high enough in level to come back and get their revenge on me. They stroll up in their expensive armor, oh so shiny, and beat up a monster well below their level range.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no. You see, it's not their revenge I love.

It's mine.

Because every one of those heroes eventually takes up a new job. And then they have to walk through my house again.

Yesterday, one such unfortunate soul stepped in my jungle. An unfortunate soul named Maverick.

The first time I had met him was as a level 30 Warrior. And later as a level 30 Paladin. Months later, he came back to deal righteous vengeance upon me. A level 75 Paladin beating up a level 35 Goblin.

Way to go, Top Gun. By the way, Maverick, Goose called and said you have a mig on your six. Loser.

The beauty of it is, I get killed all the time. It's a normal thing for me. So, I deal with it. And I bide my time.

Then poor Maverick decided to pick up a new job. All full of his level 75 glory, he felt unstoppable. He'd been here before.

Oh, but I was waiting.

Here's how the conversation went:

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, my name is Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be your murderer tonight.
Maverick>> Oh yeah? Invincible.
Maverick>> Umm... Invincible.
GoblinSmithy>> The special tonight is eye stabbing.
Maverick>> Oh lord, I don't have invincible.
GoblinSmithy>> No, you don't.
GoblinSmithy>> And now you have poor depth perception.

*EYE STAB*

He stepped into my jungle as a level 25 man and left as a level 24 perforated corpse.

Remember, Heroes: he who stabs last stabs best.

I hate heroes, but I love revenge.

This one's for the heroes.

I hate you.

I'm trying to get my stab on, hanging out in the jungle and ruining parties.

Seriously, that's what I do. That's my job.

And some high level hero has to come in and start soloing me to death to save all the lowbie parties. Wow. Aren't you the big man/woman/man playing a woman.

Noone invited you to our little goblin party. They stepped into the jungle knowing full well that that was my house. I can't let them just come into my house like that, so I have to teach them a lesson.

Only by teach, I mean stab. And by lesson, I mean gaping wound.

In the world of Vana'diel, there is an order to things. In the jungles, Goblins are the top of the food chain. Accept it.

Did Darwin run though the Galapagos Islands shooting birds he didn't like? Hell, no. He let nature take it's course. It's survival of the Smithiest.

But I always have to deal with some superhero wannabe who thinks he's helping people. Some level 75 who runs through and wipes the jungle floor with me.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle just to the South of the Yuhtunga zoneline. A n00b adventurer tried to sneak behind me. I, of course, waited until he was right behind me and I turned.

I actually watched him wet himself.

So, he takes off running (they always run) and I take off after him. I'm just starting to enjoy the thrill of the chase when I take an axe to the brain. A big axe. A "much higher than level 30" axe.

Right around the corner is a level 75 Warrior dual wielding axes.

Well, goody goody gumdrops. ><

I then have to spend the next minute and a half getting my face sliced off. All the while, the n00b is taking a break and resting. Just out of stabbing range.

Brave man when you have a level 75 Warrior protecting you, huh?

I die and everyone thanks the "hero". The "hero" who had to pick on a goblin easily 35 levels below him.

Why don't you just head to your nearest elementary school and beat up some kids?

Some hero.

You're messing with evolution here. Those n00bs you're saving will never learn a healthy respect (read: fear) for the dangerous Smithy. Then, you're just breeding their n00bness. Their stupidity is on your hands.

I don't mind dying, but you're destroying the natural interaction between my knife and n00b faces.

Plus, I really mind dying.

Next time, mind your own damned business and go farm some organs or something.

I hate heroes.

Stupid Events

Do we honestly need an event every month? Yay! You get silly hats and level 1 weapons. And who doesn't like playing with dolls? But damn, those things are nasty boring for the goblins.

You adventurers spend all day running around giving presents to orphans or homeless kids or kids with asthma. Whatever. But what about me?

I'm stuck standing around waiting for someone to run by. Do you have any idea how boring that is?

My job is to murder you. You are an integral part of the job. You can't spell "kill you" without the "you". So all of these stupid events are making it hard for me to do my job.

And I don't even get the day off work. I mean, c'mon. Declare a civic holiday, so I can spend time with my family. And by family, I mean bottle of alcohol.

We should have a goblin festival. The whole point will be that you have to attack special event Smithys. Upon attacking them, two things will happen:

1) you will receive a rare/ex level 1 headgear (a helmet)
2) you will be instantly deleveled to level 1. Forever.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

But noooooo. I have to stand in the middle of the jungle doing nothing while you kids run around trading cookies to dead people. Does a corpse really need a cookie? Seriously. I've never died and then gone "Damn, I wish I had an oreo."

We goblins need soft torsos for the stabbing. We need them. So every minute you spend running around with eggs trying to spell 'onomatapea', you're taking the food out of my mouth.

And by food, I mean alcohol.

Give a hoot. Get stabbed by a goblin.

I hate events.

Expanding My Horizons

As I'm sure you already know, there's a new expansion on the way. Treasures of Aht Urghan is going to completely change our world. Vana'diel may never be the same.

When pondering this major world shift, I'm fairly certain every adventurer is asking themselves the same question:

What do the goblins get this time?

Seriously, we've been getting shafted with the expansions and the updates. Yeah, sure the Yugado got to unlock Summoner and Ninja. But what about us?

First, I heard about Besieged. I was really excited until I read more about it. Adventurers are going to come to our house and kick our asses. Is that really fair?

Suppose I'm sitting at home relaxing. Now, I have to worry about adventurers stabbing me while I'm trying to watch Prison Break. Yeah... that sounds like a lot of fun.

I mean, damn. We don't go into their little cities, do we? I've never walked around San d'Oria stabbing people in the spine.

Then the news about Assault came out. Awesome. Now we get to go to your cities and beat up your stuff. Property values are going to drop like rocks. And those stupid gate guards... now, they've got to man up and defend themselves.

But Assault is only open to the new cities in Aht Urghan or wherever. The company goes and hires a bunch of Mamool Ja and they get to have all the fun.

I have seniority over those guys. I've been here since day one. I was killing Japanese players in the Beta, for Altana's sake. Where's the justice?

I swear, if I can't unlock one of those new jobs, someone is going to die. Die slowly.

Corsair Smithy. Nice ring to it, huh?

But no. The adventurers will get all the new stuff and equipment, and I'll be stuck doing the same old thing. No going Godzilla in a city. No playing Puppetmaster. If I ever meet a developer, I'm going to kick him in the groin.

At least give me a freakin' city, would you?

And not some weird new city in the "far east." I am soooo not commuting.

I hate expansions.

What a morning...

So, I'm hunting for my RSE in Ordelle's Caves.

You didn't think we got this armor for free did you?

I fight beetles all morning to get a chest key. Finally, I get one to drop and I start looking for a chest.

I run past Stroper Chyme and wave hi. He's a nice guy. And that's funny considering he's never actually lived for more than 3 seconds at a time.

Then, it's around all the usual spots upstairs...

No luck.

Here's the part I hate. The drop to the lower level. I hold my breath and jump...

And land on a freakin' Stroper. Big and green and double ugly. He starts spouting off and I go to argue. Then his breath hits me. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn.

I take off running with still no chest in sight. I'm getting really annoyed.

And then I see it. Off in the distance is a treasure chest. Finally, I can get my goblin RSE pointy-crotch subligar.

I'm so happy that I barely feel the first hit. The second, though... that one hurt. Three through ten are terrible.

I glance over my shoulder (which is not easy in this helmet) and see a Monk right behind me. And he's swinging hard.

Get the chest. Kill the Monk. Get the chest. Kill the Monk.

Oh you soooooooooooo know I went to kill that Monk. Kill him in the face.

So, I turn and start stabbing.

GoblinSmithy>> Know what you face needs? More knife.

But then I notice something. My hit points are going down faster than his. WAY faster.

><

Apparently the face-killing will have to be postponed.

Thinking quick, I turn and run for the chest. I grab my key and try to put it in the lock, but it slips sideways. Before I can try again, the Monk takes one final swing and it's over.

And by it's over, I mean I'm over. So close and yet so far.

Monk>> Hey! He dropped a chest key. ^^

The Monk literally steps over my still warm body and pops MY treasure chest.

I hate people.

Dynamis - Attempt 2

Once the skin grafts had healed and I could actually move without crying like a little girl, I decided to try Dynamis again. Quitters never win and winners never quit.

Okay... the pay is really good. I'd do anything as long as they pay me enough.

This time, however, I have come up with a foolproof plan to ensure my safety. It is a complicated, multi-tiered strategy involving cooperation and discipline.

I call it the "Use Shaman as a Meat Shield" plan.

Catchy, huh?

So, I go and find Shaman and we head out for Dynamis-Jeuno. Things are going well until we run into Pathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> Where are you guys heading?
GoblinSmithy>> Uhhhh... we're walking in circles waiting for adventurers.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, so the usual.
GoblinShaman>> Actually we're heading to Jeuno to try out Dynamis.

I really hate Shaman.

GoblinPathfinder>> WOW! Can I come?
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinPathfinder>> Stop kidding around, Smitty.

That's not a typo. He calls me Smitty. At this point, I'm actually trying to think of the most painful way to kill him.

Thinking back to my first attempt at Dynamis, I realize (slash remember) that the most painful way for him to die is multiple tier IV black magic spells liquifying him from the inside. Hopefully, a good Thunder IV will knock the stupid out of him. Along with most of his internal organs.

Thus, my plan was revised. It is now the "Use Shaman and Pathfinder as Meat Shields" plan.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, you can come.
GoblinPathfinder>> Awesome. Hold on and I'll go grab my bee.

><

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm back.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh rapture.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, did you get a sunburn?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> Cause your skin is all red.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT UP.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey, look! A path!
GoblinSmithy>> Remind me to murder you later, k?

And so we set off for Dynamis-Jeuno and:

a) riches
b) fame
c) the fiery deaths of Shaman and Pathfinder

Things were looking up.

We log into Dynamis and right away the guys were stoked. Vanguards Smithy, Shaman, and Pathfinder are ready for some action.

And that's when we saw them. An entire alliance of adventurer Black Mages.

BlackMage1 starts casting Thundaga III on Vanguard Shaman.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Shaman.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage4 starts casting Thundaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on Vanguard Pathfinder.
BlackMage6 starts casting Thundaga III on Vanguard Smithy.

All is going according to the pla...

Wait...

What was that last one?

BlackMage6 starts casting Thundaga III on Vanguard Smithy.

Uh oh.

I'll give my "friends" props though. They stood strong.

VanguardShaman>> Hold the line, boys.
VanguardPathfinder>> United we stand.
VanguardSmithy>> Take it like goblins, guys. (Running away)

Looking over my shoulder, I got to watch Tweedledee and Tweedlestupid simultaneously burst into flames and are horribly electrocuted.

When it's not your flesh being boiled off your body, it's kind of funny.

I would have made it, too. I was just about to run out of range... when I tripped. Over Pathfinder's stupid bee.

Well.. it had been a bee. Apparently, zoning into Dynamis involves any bee-like monsters being smashed into a pile of goo.

So, I trip/slip on the goo-bee just in time to have my blood replaced by several thousand volts of electricity.

Note to self: beat Pathfinder to death with a bee.

I hate Dynamis.