Monday, April 10, 2006

Are Adventurers Slow or Something?

Believe it or not, I receive a lot of feedback about this blog.

Uusually, the feedback comes in the form of an axe to the face, but occasionally, one of your adventurers manages to string a few words together and make a coherent sentence.

Good for you.

What I find bothersome though is that people are calling me unfair. A hypocrite, even.

Am I a hypocrite for saying 6 adventurers ganging up on one goblin is unfair, while we can link on you all day and murder your whole family?


See, the difference is WE'RE THE BAD GUYS.

We're supposed to fight dirty. We're supposed to cheat.

I'm not being hypocritical. I'm just following my nature.

The fact that my nature requires me to stab people in the neck is just a perk, really.

You guys are supposed to be the "heroes". You know, all honorable and just. You guys are supposed to play fair and fight the good fight and all that other garbage that ends up with you having a neck full of blade.

Oh, the noble adventurer. Hero. Savior.

Pin cushion.

Earlier today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle and some absolute n00b runs by me and a few friends. We, of course, decide that someone this stupid must be beaten mercilessly.

Because we are oh so full of the mercy.

So, we follow him a little ways, taking a swing here and a swing there. You know, watching his hitpoints drop and giggling.

Finally, he takes the last hit and falls face first into the dirt. I'm trying to pull my sword out of his spine, when he starts sending me tells.

DeadGuy>> FOUL!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. What?
DeadGuy>> That was so a foul.
DeadGuy>> You cheated.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> How exactly did I "cheat"?
DeadGuy>> You guys ganged up on me.
DeadGuy>> That's unfair.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh my goodness, you're right.
GoblinSmithy>> That was unfair of us.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get you a tissue.
DeadGuy>> Hey! I'm going to call a GM on you!
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get this straight.
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to call a GM...
GoblinSmithy>> Because a bunch of goblins killed you.
DeadGuy>> Yeah!
GoblinSmithy>> What did you expect us to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Scold you verbally?

How can people be this stupid? Honestly, how do they even remember to breathe?

GoblinSmithy>> Tell you what: do you want me to get you a raise?
DeadGuy>> Yes. Right now.
GoblinSmithy>> No problem.

Luckily, there was a goblin leecher hanging out nearby waiting for a friend, so I called him over.

GoblinSmithy>> Could you raise this guy for me?
GoblinLeecher>> Really? Raise him?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah. It's a long story.

So Leecher goes ahead and raises him. The guy flops to his feet and starts brushing the dirt off.

GoblinSmithy>> There. How's that?
DeadGuy>> Much better. Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> You feel better now?
DeadGuy>> Yeah. I'm good.
GoblinSmithy>> Good.


GoblinSmithy>> Now, you're dead twice for being extra stupid.
GoblinSmithy>> Idiot.

I'm a goblin. I'm not supposed to fight fair. I'm supposed to lie and cheat and gang up on you.

It's what I do.

So, it's not hypocritical or unfair of me to call you on the same shit I do. Cause I'm evil.

You want to be a hero, fine. But you guys have to play by the rules. I mean, you're the good guys.

I hate stupid people.


Anonymous Inia said...

That wasn't being evil. That was controlling the n00b population, for which the rest us thank you. And by thank you, I mean coming to a jungle near you as a level 75 mage to humiliate you by beating you naked with no weapons.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Fauxylady said...

As a low level adventurer myself, I would just like to thank you. Although I have died many timees from unknowingly ambushing Gobs when I shouldn't have, I have learned many things, and as a Thank you for your kind lessons (Many of which, involved a pointy object and my face.), I'm going to level to 75, and beat you to death, raise you, and then beat you to death again, for as many times as you, and your kind, have killed me.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Goblin Smithy said...

That's fine, Fauxylady, because unlike you n00bs, we don't lose exp when we die.

And besides, some day after you hit 75, you're going to take up another job. And then you have to walk through my house again.

Good luck with that, fresh meat.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Tal said...

But I don't level in Yuhtunga. OR Yhoator.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous I hug Goblins said...

Well, us adventurers can cheat too you know.... How will you feel when a BLU comes along some day soon and kills you with your own move? hmm??

9:10 PM  
Blogger John-John said...

Good come-back, Smitty. ;)

Good burn.ˆˆ


11:00 PM  
Blogger Fafnir said...

Don't worry my man, all those level 75s who stab you unfairly, will come to see me one day.

8:16 AM  
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