Friday, April 07, 2006

Adventurers

Many adventurers often wonder what mobs must think of them. I can answer that in two simple words:

Not much.

Honestly, you guys are not all that impressive. Somedays, it's all I can do not to laugh in your faces as we fight (read: I kill you).

Let's start with the Humes.

Wow. What a creative species. Could you guys be anymore bland?

Seriously. Pick something and go with it. Good at melee or good at magic. Mediocre in both don't cut it around here.

And why do all of your guys look like members of a boy band? Everyone with the gelled hair and the incredibly feminine faces. Except the bald guy. Oh, no. He's the rebel of the boy band. We're sooooooo scared of you.

Next comes the Galkas.

Though I wish they didn't. Listen guys, I think it might be time to head to the gym.

The other day, I was in Rolanberry and got hit with some terrible lag. I had no idea what was going on. Was it an alliance of adventurers waging a battle?

Nope. It was one Galka. Just one. Takes some serious power to fill in the shading on an ass that big.

And ugly? Dear Altana, yes. You know why there are no Galka females? Suicide.

The only reason the Humes live with the Galka is because it actually makes them look good.

Hume>> I may not be great, but at least I don't look like Chewbacca had a baby with an elephant.

Next up are the Mithras.

You are a
cat woman in an RPG setting. You didn't have a chance. Sexual harassment is just a prerequisite of the race.

But man, cat girls are nasty. Nothing like being in the middle of a heated battle and watching one of you chicks hack up a furball. Oh yeah, baby. That's attractive.

And don't even get me started on Manthras. Listen. I can run around all day saying I'm Guivre, but that doesn't make me a freakin' wyrm. YOU'RE A CHICK! Get over it.

And the Elvaan. What can I say about the Elvaan?

What's up with the necks guys? Seriously. I want to know. Is there a little Dhalmel in the genetic pool there somewhere?

Yeah, you guys are real strong. That's great and all, but my toaster has higher intelligence than you.

You're great with the two handed weapons, but who teaches you guys how to use them?

Read a book or something. It's kind of embarassing. Even the Galkas are laughing.

That leaves the Taru. I really like the Taru.

Little bit of butter and warmed over a fire, they make a nice snack.

I joke with you. You're really tough. I mean those magic spells can do some serious damage.

Of course, if you don't kill me on the very first spell, you're going to be toast. Your hp is so low, if a level 10 Taru equips an Astral Ring, he'll die.

And your defense? You're the only race that can double their defense by wearing another t-shirt under your armor. Tinfoil puts up more resistance.

Wow, you guys are really smart. You'd be great with those two handed weapons. If only you could lift them.

Now, I hope that helps to answer some of the questions you may have. Basically, if you ever wonder what a Goblin thinks of you, just punch yourself in the face a few times. That's pretty accurate.

I hate adventurers.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are female humes and elvaan care to comment on there looks i'd bring up taru but same body just diffrent head -_- would pass for the same meal

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Mieh of Hades said...

Taken from A (Still) Little Goblin’s Adventure : Treasures of [strikeout]Aht Urhgan[/strikeout] Fablinix: Assault Me Baby, One More Time(04/07/2006)
http://www.playonline.com/ff11us/topics/060407_1.html

Tonberry King: “Hah! I hear zat your number-one lady left you for a smithy vith a nice dirk.”
(Fablinix:) “Hey! Tell me something that smithy has that I don’t!”
Tonberry King: “How about Moblina? Heh heh heh!”


Any reaction?

11:45 AM  
Blogger Goblin Smithy said...

THERE ARE FEMALE HUMES?!

I thought those were just guys with long hair. Oh dear lord.

And Elvaan females. I actually like them. They have the two things I look for in a woman:

a) low intelligence
b) low intelligence

2:13 PM  
Blogger Tal said...

Do you know Count Bifrons?

What's he like?

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey if goblins can throw bombs then damnit we mithra can hack up hairballs on you.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a question for Smitty...
Were you the Smithy that stole poor Fablinix's girlfriend?

4:28 PM  
Anonymous a concerned adventurer said...

Hey smithy you need to calm down and quit all the hating. You need to take a day off and spend some time with you family (read: alcohol). I have included the suicide prevtion hotline website for you to peruse. Don't light the bomb... call a friend for help before its too late.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

A concerned adventurer

5:41 PM  
Blogger Goblin Smithy said...

I do not want to die.

I want everyone else to die.

There's a difference.

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Ulmia said...

Oh, Goblin Smithy.... you are every NPC woman's dream.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous Prishe said...

Ulmia, you are every lesbian and not-aging NPC woman's dream.

Of course, the not-aging part limits seriously our numbers.

7:31 AM  
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7:40 AM  

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