Monday, October 30, 2006

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 3

I hope you're enjoying this tour of Vana'diel.

While we're touring, I'm going to have to ask you to not feed the adventurers.

Today's stop brings us to the beautiful land of Windurst.

This name is actually quite descriptive. Pretty much the only things you'll find around here are wind and dirt.

At least San d'Oria and Bastok put some work into it. Sure, brick may not be the nicest thing to look at, but at least they look like actual cities.

Windurst is basically a swamp covered with a city made of sticks.

Full of midgets.

How exactly am I supposed to make this place seem exciting?

Come on, come all! See the big... Tree... In the middle of our town!

Amaze at our mastery of... Twigs...

Man, if I only had a match.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 2

Our next stop on our tour of Vana'diel brings us to the noble city of Bastok.

Bastok is a majestic city built directly from rock. It is literally carved into the side of a rocky mountain.

Unfortunately, during the process of digging into this rock, workers uncovered a new race. This race is the ugliest, dumbest, smelliest race in all of Vana'diel.

That's right. Humes.

What the hell is wrong with these things? I mean they're all pink. What the hell?

While in Bastok, make sure you take the time to appreciate the sights.

The beautiful rocks.

The other rocks.



There's a lot of rocks.

Do you like rocks?


Then this really isn't your kind of town.


They don't just have rocks. They also have a hole.

A hole filled with rocks.



How about that local sports team?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 1

Our first stop on this tour of the world is majestic San d'Oria.

San d'Oria is located in the North West and is home to the Elvaan.

Visitors to San d'Oria could spend hour after hour admiring the sheer beauty of the castle walls.

They could, but most people just stand around staring at the Elvaan's freakishly long necks. I mean, damn.

You will also notice that there are no wires or cables strung between the house and buildings. The city planners felt that this would add to the flowing majesty of the city.

Plus, they were deemed unnecessary as the ears on your average Elvaan are capable of picking up basic cable and HBO.

Wow. Look at those things.

I saw an Elvaan woman drop her baby the other day. Little bastard glided right across the room.

San d'Oria is nestled in the quaint forest region of Ronfaure. It is hard to find an area as lush and pure as this woods.

Unfortunately, between the retarded n00b adventurers and the even more retarded orcs that reside there, any beauty the area may have had has been lost in a deep tide of stupidity.

Just thinking about it makes me want to slap someone.

Seriously. Let's just burn the place down and make a parking lot.


Have you looked at your calendar lately? Do you know what's coming up?

No, not Halloween, you fool.

It's GoblinSmithy Fan Week!

Please, please, hold your applause.

Yes, it's that special time when you can celebrate your love for everything Smithy. And Smithy, in turn, will repay your devotion by briefly acknowledging your existence.

I'm kidding. As usual, everyone who was cool enough to donate $5 or more during the month to support this blog will become a member of the GoblinSmithy Fan Club and will receive a free gift pack.

The gift pack will include exclusive stories, fun pictures, wacky wallpapers, and whatever else I can think to put in.

It's just something I like to do to give back to those of you who back me up.

As opposed to those of you who stab me on a daily basis.


Anyway, I was trying to come up with a theme for Fan Week. I thought long and hard about it.

Okay, neither long nor hard, but there was thinking.


This week will be Smithy's Guide to Vana'diel. Follow along as I act as your tour guide to the many sights of our world.

See what I see. Do what I do.

Get stabbed where I get stabbed.

It'll be fun.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Uh Oh

Oh damn oh damn oh damn.

I got the call yesterday.

What call you may ask?

Well, as you know I am a bit of a ladies man. Something about my charisma and raw animal power draws the women to me like moths to a flame.

And who am I to turn them down?

Unfortunately, this has created a bit of a problem for me.

See, all the guys reading this just went "Oh crap. He means THE call."

ElvaanFemale>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Hi...
GoblinSmithy>> I thought we weren't going to call each other?
GoblinSmithy>> You know... It being a one night stand.
ElvaanFemale>> I need to tell you something.
GoblinSmithy>> Since this is not part of the same night...
GoblinSmithy>> I think you're breaking some form of legal contract.
ElvaanFemale>> Stop.
ElvaanFemale>> This is important.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean, I gave you enough gil for a chocobo home.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought that was a nice way to end it.
ElvaanFemale>> SHUT UP!
ElvaanFemale>> I'm pregnant.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Say something.
GoblinSmithy>> H...
GoblinSmithy>> Wh...
GoblinSmithy>> Ar...
ElvaanFemale>> Okay.
ElvaanFemale>> Say something intelligent.
GoblinSmithy>> I...
GoblinSmithy>> You...
ElvaanFemale>> Yay! You can use pronouns!
ElvaanFemale>> Can we hurry this up?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Sigh.
ElvaanFemale>> I'm coming over.

I'm not sure how long it took her to get to my place.

I'm not sure because I spent the entire time jabbering like a moron and trying to wrap my head around the idea of being a father.

Me, a father... There has to be a law against that.

When she got there, I decided to ask a very important question.

GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
ElvaanFemale>> Of course I'm sure.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure it's mine?

Quick note, guys: don't ever ask that question.

Unless you like getting slapped.

Whatever floats your boat.

GoblinSmithy>> I take that as a yes.
ElvaanFemale>> I can't believe you asked me that.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, you did sleep with a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> Your standards can't be that high.
ElvaanFemale>> This is serious.
ElvaanFemale>> I don't know what we're going to do.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say we?
ElvaanFemale>> Of course I did.
ElvaanFemale>> We need to figure this out together.
GoblinSmithy>> Might I make a suggestion?
ElvaanFemale>> Yes, please.

And that's when I pushed her down some stairs.

What? Don't look at me like that.

What did you expect?

Sunday, October 22, 2006

And The Event Rolls On

So, I've spent the last few days hanging out in San d'Oria.

And damn, if I'm not rolling in cash now.

Between the cakes and pies and other sweets, I've probably made a few hundred thousand gil.

It's actually really easy. I spent the first few hours trying to use the Auction House. That worked pretty well, but it was taking a while.

Then, I came up with a brilliant plan.

Everytime someone game me a treat, I'd put it in my bazaar.

When people didn't get a magic item, they'd buy more treats.

From me.

At a jacked up price.

I swear, they should have just saved time and given me a license to print my own money

Anyway, I'm raking in my profits, when I notice Pathfinder walking past me heading for the AH.

Considering I was actually in a good mood, I decided to talk to him.

Money can make me do strange things.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh...
GoblinPathfinder>> Hi, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Isn't this event great?
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong?
GoblinPathfinder>> They're going to hurt me.
GoblinSmithy>> Who?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know. Some guys.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mean guys.
GoblinSmithy>> Why are they going to hurt you?
GoblinSmithy>> Not that I disagree. I'm just curious.
GoblinPathfinder>> Well, I don't have any money.
GoblinSmithy>> Money?
GoblinSmithy>> How could you need money?
GoblinSmithy>> Aren't people giving you stuff?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's the problem.
GoblinPathfinder>> I went broke because of that.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you're being dumber than usual...
GoblinSmithy>> But I have no idea what you're saying.
GoblinPathfinder>> I had to spend all of my money.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
GoblinPathfinder>> How in the hell else am I going to get hats for people?
GoblinSmithy>> You're actually giving them hats?
GoblinPathfinder> Yeah, but I don't have any money to buy more.
GoblinSmithy>> I...
GoblinSmithy>> You...
GoblinSmithy>> Someone needs to kill you.
GoblinSmithy>> A lot.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know what to do.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got an idea.
GoblinSmithy>> It might just work.

Okay... So walking away and leaving him to the mercy of the hatless wonders may not have been the greatest plan ever.

Still. At least I didn't have to hear about it.

Friday, October 20, 2006

I'm Rich, Bitch

Finally, an event I can get behind.

I was doing my usual tour of duty in Yuhtunga Jungle today when I noticed the place was practically empty.

This might have made me happy any other day, but I was in stabbin' mood. Somebody needed to get stabbed or I just wasn't going to be happy.

I was trying to figure out where everyone might be when Shaman showed up.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Where the hell is everyone?
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinShaman>> They're all back at their cities.
GoblinSmithy>> I finally scared them into hiding.
GoblinShaman>> Uhh... No.
GoblinShaman>> They're doing one of those silly events.
GoblinSmithy>> Not again.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate those things.
GoblinShaman>> You hate everything.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...

I decided that I was going to be proactive. Rather than sit around and wait for the morons to show up, I decided to take the fight to them.

Smithy was going to San d'Oria.

I ran through Kazham and hopped on an airship. It's amazing how quickly you can get through customs with a blood covered knife.

A few airship rides after that and I landed in Port Sandy.

I was just standing there, minding my own business and trying to fiure out where to go next, when an adventurer ran up to me.

Figuring he was about to attack me, I reached for my sword.

Before I could pull it out, though, he handed me something.

A pie.

Have you people gone freaking insane?

Why in the hell was this guy handing me baked goods?

Honestly, I was so surprised, I didn't know what to do.

GoblinSmithy>> ... Thanks?
Player>> Dammit.
Player>> It didn't work.

I'm just starting to wonder what he means when he hands me another pie.

Player>> C'mon...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks.
Player>> DAMMIT!

And he hands me another pie.

Now, my mama didn't raise no fools. So, I stood there and just let him hand me pie.


And again.

And again.

Then other people started running up to me. And they started handing me things.

Cookies, cakes, pies.

It was beautiful.

They quickly started to stack up and I realized this stuff could be worth a lot of money.

I tried to run to the AH, but damn if they didn't start following me.

Player1>> Give me a hat.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to hell.

And they'd hand me more food.

I must have had 50,000 gil worth of pastries and baked goods, and the morons were still trading to me.

Unfortunately, all of my AH slots were full and my bag was starting to fill up.

Damn you, Bluffnix.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, okay.
GoblinSmithy>> The event's over now.
GoblinSmithy>> You all win.
GoblinSmithy>> Yay!

But they just stood there with their mindless, unblinking stares.

GoblinSmithy>> You can go home now.
Player2>> Where's my hat?
Player3>> Yeah!
Player3>> I want my hat!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have any hats.
Player2>> Are you kidding?!
Player3>> You better have something!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> I sure do.
GoblinSmithy>> I can turn you all into ghosts.
Player2>> That's not too bad, I guess.
Player3>> It'll due.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Everyone close your eyes.

And wouldn't you know it? They actually closed their eyes.

It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

Or stabbing fish in a barrel.

A small barrel.

And very stupid fish.

Retarded fish, even.

Still, an event where I make a shitload of gil and get to stab morons?

Sign me up.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Workplace Safety

One of the things they didn't mention when I got the job was the obscenely high level of on the job hazards.

Yes, I know I was signing up to get stabbed on a regular basis. That was a given.

But have you ever actually taken a look at Vana'diel? The place is a death trap.

Oh, yeah, your cities are all nice and pretty. San d'Oria with it's beautiful castle walls. Bastok with it's gorgeous cobblework. Windurst with it's...


Sticks and mud.

Our places? I mean what the hell?!

Have you seen some of the places we're stuck with? Everything's a cave or a mine or a hole in the dirt.

And that's just dangerous.

Take Garlaige Citadel for example. The damned place has holes in the floor everywhere.

You're just walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you fall through a giant hole onto the rocks below.

You could sprain an ankle.

Or get eaten by a giant scorpion.

I'd call that a hazard wouldn't you?

I mean, a sprained ankle will mess up your whole weekend.

And all the Beastmen places are like that. Castle Oztroja, Castle Zvahl, Temple of UglyPie.

And Davoi... That place is just sticks and mud. Come to think of it, it looks a lot like Windurst only the people are better looking.

But the buildings aren't the only source of on the job danger for us. The interactions between different Beastmen and monsters in Vana'diel can lead to serious injury.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle.

Things were going perfectly normal. I was stabbing n00bs in the neck and sending them back to their home points, making them weep over the ruin that was their face.

You know, normal.

Suddenly, a Thief runs up and shoots me with an arrow. Yes, he shot me with an arrow.

On purpose.

Assuming this poor, poor fool was trying to commit suicide, I did the only sensible thing.

I decided to help him.

A lot.

So, I start to walk up to him and he takes off running. Apparently, he wasn't committing suicide.

Maybe he has really, really bad vision and thought I was just a big Mandragora.

Still, I feel it is my duty as a representative of the Beastmen forces to educate this young man in the proper safe handling of a bow and arrow.

ie. I was about to stick my knife into something he needs to live.

I run down after him and what do I see? The Thief standing there.

With a party.

He had pulled me and planned to kill me for exp.

Man, you guys crack me up.

The place was fairly packed. There were a few other parties all (intelligently) battling Mandragoras.

That was okay, though. I had no problem with those other parties.

I had other fish to fry.

Except replace the word "fish" with the word "people".

And the word "fry" with the words "puncture until all the stuff on the inside becomes all the stuff on the outside."

I tore into them and, I'll admit, they were doing a pretty good job. They were a higher level group and the hits were doing some damage.

Still, they were no match for me. I might need a couple of band-aids when this was over, but they'd need a coroner.

Rather than let this go on much longer, I figured I'd go right for the kill.

I reached for a gobbie bomb and...

The Mandragora uses Dream Flower.
GoblinSmithy is asleep.

And the gobbie bomb was ticking.

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

I'd just wake up as soon as one of them hits me. Then, I could just toss the bomb and Boom! Problem solved.



Why weren't they hitting me?

Player>> Zzzzz



Do you know what sucks?

Getting blown up while you're sleeping sucks.

Stupid Mandragoras.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Smithy Tries A New Job

A few days ago, I was a little bored, so I decided to try out another job during my spare time.

I was going to try Beastmaster, but then I thought of Pathfinder and realized the flag quest must involve severe head trauma.

Then, I decided on Ninja.

I mean, who the hell is cooler than a Ninja?

Okay... All of you pirates can just shut the hell up right now. Go swab your decks or something, you frilly shirted morons.

Anyway, I soloed my way through the first few levels until I finally got an interesting new spell.

GoblinSmithy>> What's Utsusemi?
GoblinShaman>> Oh, that.
GoblinShaman>> It creates shadows to keep you from taking damage.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> So, they won't be able to hit me?
GoblinShaman>> Nope.
GoblinSmithy>> No one?
GoblinShaman>> No. Nobody.
GoblinSmithy>> You're sure no one will be able to hit me.?
GoblinShaman>> Why do you ask?

And that's when I stabbed him in the face.

Now, those of you who don't know Shaman, I'll give you a little insight.

*whisper* He doesn't like getting stabbed in the face. *whisper*

So, he's standing there holding the bloody ruin that was his face and he took a swing at me.

1 of GoblinSmithy's shadows absorbs the damage and disappears.

GoblinSmithy>> Holy Promathia!
GoblinSmithy>> It really worked!
GoblinShaman>> I'm going to freakin' kill you!
GoblinSmithy>> C'mon, bitch!
GoblinSmithy>> BRING IT!

He took another swing and missed again.

And then again.

I cast Utsusemi again and suddenly, I've got three more shadows.

I was invincible.

He just kept swinging and swinging, and just kept missing and missing.

It was like watching a blind person trying to fight.

Or a mentally handicapped person.

Or a Dark Knight.

I stood there laughing at his pathetic attempts. I was so far beyond him now, he couldn't even comprehend it.

I had just finished casting a new set of shadows, when I see a message.

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga on GoblinSmithy.

Who was he trying to kid?

GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk.
GoblinSmithy>> Getting desperate are we?

His spell hits and suddenly, all of my shadows were gone.

I was defenseless.

And he was starting to cast another spell.

GoblinSmithy>> HAHA, Loser!
GoblinSmithy>> I'll just make more shadows.
GoblinSmithy>> Utsusemi GO!

Unable to cast spells at this time.

Oh crap.

GoblinSmithy>> C'mon.
GoblinSmithy>> This isn't funny.

Unable to cast spells at this time.

GoblinSmithy>> Ohdamnohdamnohdamn!

Unable to cast spells at this time.
Unable to cast spells at this time.
Unable to cast spells at this time.

GoblinSmithy>> Can't we talk this over?

Apparently, the recast on Utsusemi is 40 seconds.

Unfortunately, an angry, bleeding Black Mage can do a lot in 40 seconds.

If you'll need me, I'll be out getting some skin grafts done.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pathfinder In The Hood

Seriously. I'm going to kill him.

I'm not talking my usual "he's being an idiot" kill him.

I am going to kill that retard.

He shows up in the jungle today wearing gold chains, a diamond mouthpiece, and a hat on backwards.

Also, a fur coat.

He looked like a pimp threw up on him.

GoblinPathfinder>> Yo, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wassup, yo?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Words fail me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yo, G.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be playa hatin'.
GoblinSmithy>> What is wrong with you?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm jus keepin' it real, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> You're why Jerry Lewis has telethons.
GoblinPathfinder>> Man, you just don't know how to roll.
GoblinSmithy>> You forgot to say yo.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did I?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sorry.
GoblinPathfinder>> Man, you just don't know how to roll, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> Better.
GoblinSmithy>> Much more ree-yall.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean... Thanks, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I ask what brought this on?
GoblinPathfinder>> This is how all the cool people talk.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinPathfinder>> This is how all the cool people talk, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> There are only two types of people that talk like that.
GoblinSmithy>> One is people who are actually in gangs.
GoblinSmithy>> The other is retarded people.
GoblinPathfinder>> But...
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't have a gang.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm shocked.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then what would it take for me to be cool?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm guessing an act from Altana.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I want to be cool like you.

That would have melted my heart if I had one.

He wants to be just like me.

Maybe I should help him.

GoblinSmithy>> Do you know what's really cool?
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> Scars.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay. Cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> But how would I get...


Yeah. Not so much with the helping.

Please, I'm posting this as a public service announcement. If you or anyone you know talks like this for no good reason, please hold them under water until they stop kicking.

You'll be doing the world a favor.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I'm Baaaaack

Man, that was a great vacation.

I was just standing in the middle of Yhoator a few days ago, up to my knees in adventurer entrails, and I decided I needed to take some time off.

You know, take a break from the daily grind.

I mean that literally. I can't very well just leave these bodies lying around. I'd have cops on me every freakin' day.

Do you have any idea how much work is involved in grinding up a Galka?

The Tarus, yeah. They're easy.

You can grind one of them up with a cheese grater.

But a Galka? Damn.

You'd need a thresher for that shit.

So standing there, with an easy five hours of grinding up corpses ahead of me, a vacation seemed like a beautiful idea.

I wanted to go someplace nice. Someplace warm.

The beach maybe.

Unfortunately, the only beach I know of is Valkurm Dunes and I don't think I'd qualify that as a place I'd go to relax.

Actually, I don't think I'd qualify that as a place I'd go. Period.

I was just starting to consider going to Norg on a cruise when Shaman happened by.

GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> What're you up to?
GoblinSmithy>> My knees in adventurer guts.
GoblinShaman>> I can see that.
GoblinShaman>> I meant what are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm thinking.
GoblinShaman>> I thought I smelled smoke.
GoblinSmithy>> That reminds me.


GoblinShaman>> Okay, okay.
GoblinShaman>> I'll stop.
GoblinShaman>> What're you thinking about?
GoblinSmithy>> I was thinking of taking a vacation.
GoblinSmithy>> I just can't think of anywhere to go.
GoblinShaman>> What about Windurst?
GoblinSmithy>> Yay! Let's go vacation in a bog!
GoblinSmithy>> Who needs walls when you have sticks and mud?
GoblinSmithy>> How about no?
GoblinShaman>> Well... What are you looking for?
GoblinSmithy>> I was thinking about the beach.
GoblinShaman>> You could always go to Valkurm.

When we both stopped laughing...

GoblinShaman>> I love that joke.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but sadly, that's it for beaches around here.
GoblinShaman>> What about Bibiki Bay?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I always forget about that place.
GoblinShaman>> I hear it's nice this time of year.
GoblinShaman>> And it's not that hard to get to.
GoblinSmithy>> That's true.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, I think Bibiki Bay it is.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks for helping.
GoblinShaman>> No problem.
GoblinShaman>> Can I come?
GoblinSmithy>> No.

Having finally made my decision, I grabbed all of my vacation gear (towels, food, my speedo, etc) and headed off for Bibiki Bay.

I was on Purogo...


Some island and set up my beach chair not far from the water.

The air was warm and humid, and the breeze brought fresh air down off the mountain.

It was paradise. An isolated paradise.

A goblin could get used to this.

Serra>> Smithy?

Or not.

I turned around and there just below the tide line wass a giant fish.

Wait... Fish is too kind a word.

This was a giant pile of ugly wrapped in some more ugly.

Also known as a pugil.

Serra>> Is that you Smithy?!
GoblinSmithy>> That depends.
GoblinSmithy>> Do I owe you money?
Serra>> ... No.
GoblinSmithy>> Did I severely injure you or a family member?
Serra>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you here to exact revenge upon me?
Serra>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Then yeah, it's me.
GoblinSmithy>> Who are you?
Serra>> Oh, c'mon
Serra>> It's me, Serra.
Serra>> From highschool.
GoblinSmithy>> Serra?
GoblinSmithy>> I haven't seen you in ages.
Serra>> I know.
Serra>> Not since the prom.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought we promised never to speak of that again.
Serra>> Oh, that was years ago.
Serra>> Besides, that wasn't your fault.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
Serra>> It happens to every guy.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT UP!
Serra>> Well, it's good to see you.
Serra>> What are you up to these days?
GoblinSmithy>> Same old, same old.
GoblinSmithy>> Killin' and Chillin'.
GoblinSmithy>> And you?
GoblinSmithy>> What have you been up to?
Serra>> Not much.
Serra>> I'm an NM now.
GoblinSmithy>> Nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Drops any good?
Serra>> I drop a really nice pair of boots.
GoblinSmithy>> That's cool.
GoblinSmithy>> Rare/EX I suppose.
Serra>> Actually, no.
Serra>> And they go for roughly 150k at the Auction House.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't know that...

It was at this point that a moral dilemma struck me.

Which is of greater value: an old friendship or the prospect of new items?

I mean, on the one hand, friends are the most important thing you can have.

On the other hand, I really wanted new boots.

Decisions, decisions. I must have labored over that one for four whole seconds.

Maybe even five.

By the way, does pugil go better with red wine or white wine?

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Taking Chances

I don't know what possesses adventurers. I really don't.

All of this being nice lately had left a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I hadn't murdered anyone in Yhoator for days.

I don't want the adventurers thinking they're safe or anything. I spent spent years establishing a very important reputation.

One of the best parts of my job is getting to giggle as an adventurer wets himself after seeing me.

You haven't lived until you've seen a giant Galka curl up into the fetal position and cry just at seeing you.

Tarus do it, too, but it's honestly hard to tell when those guys are lying down.

Still, I can't have them thinking I've gone soft, so I grabbed my gear and headed off to the jungle.

As I zoned in, I felt my lungs fill with that familiar jungle air. The heavy mist was mingled with subtle scents - blood and sweat and fresh mandragora pollen. It was everywhere.

Or maybe it was coming from the dead body under my feet.

Damn, I love this jungle somedays.

Anyway, I headed off to my favorite spot just beyond the tunnel near the zoneline.

Why so far from the zoneline, you may ask?

Adventurers always like to hang out near the zoneline. This way, the little bitches can run away when I try to get my stab on.

Can't even stand up to me like men.

It gets incredibly frustrating to start a good party wipe only to have the bastards run across a line and suddenly disappear.

So, I stand back a bit and let them come to me. Just far enough that I can take them before they make it to the zoneline.

My favorite is when I get that last stab in as the cross the line. They're all happy and excited, and then they spawn on the other side face down in the dirt.

I love that.

You're probably asking yourself who would be dumb enough to come to me.

Answer: a whole lot of freaking people, that's who.

Someone always has to get a little too brave for their own good. All the good camps near the zone are taken, so they have to find someplace else. Someplace closer to me. They take a chance that maybe I won't see them, that maybe I'm far enough away that they're safe.

Yeah, that never works out.

I started putting away 5 gil every time someone was stupid enough to get too close to me and then had to pay the price for it.

I'll be buying a Scorpion Harness soon.

So, I'm at my favorite spot and I notice a party off to the side. They're camped near the top of the hill just a few metres from my spawn point.

It was just a matter of time.

As they faught Mandies, they would slowly back toward me.



And then, it finally happened. Their Red Mage got a little too brave and stepped back a bit to get out of the range of Dream Flower. He didn't want to be put to sleep.

There's irony there, I'm sure.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, there.
RedMage>> Oh crap!
RedMage>> AGGRO!
GoblinSmithy>> Why do people keep calling me that?
GoblinSmithy>> That's not very nice.
RedMage>> Voke it!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I have feelings too, you know.
GoblinSmithy>> You're undermining my self-esteem.
RedMage>> HELP!!!
RedMage>> Get it off me!
GoblinSmithy>> I feel your comments are unwarranted.
GoblinSmithy>> You're just assuming I'm going to kill you.
RedMage>> ...
RedMage>> You're not?
GoblinSmithy>> Of course, I am.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you, retarded?
RedMage>> AGGRO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Again with the name calling.


In future, I'm sure that Red Mage will be smart enough to stay clear when he sees me.

Well... As long as I'm standing on his left side.

He doesn't see too good from the right anymore.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Twelve Steps

Once I had recovered from my burns, I sat down with Shaman and we talked about his problem.

I know a lot of you are wondering why I'm being so nice to Shaman lately. It's not like me to be so kind.

That's true.

But you have to understand that Shaman is my best friend.

Hell, he's my only friend.

I'd do anything for that guy.

Okay... Shaman and his Black Mage buddies help me do some BCNMs to make gil. These pointy subligars don't come cheap you know.

If I don't fix him and soon, I'm going to be flat broke and not be able to purchase armor.

And since I don't think anyone wants to see me running around Yhoator with no pants on, I've got to get Shaman back on his feet.

If I have to be nice to do that, then so be it. I'll murder a few extra morons tomorrow to balance it out.

After some gentle persuasion (and me pulling out my sword), we decided it might be good for him to join a support group.

If this didn't fix him, I don't know what would.

I walked him over to the meeting and wished him good luck.

GoblinShaman>> You're not coming in?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not the one with the problem.
GoblinShaman>> Are you sure you...
GoblinSmithy>> OKAY, KNOCK IT OFF!!!
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> I was just asking if you wanted to go with me.
GoblinShaman>> You know, like support.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh... NO.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, just toddle in there and get fixed.
GoblinSmithy>> Yell, cry, hug each other...
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever.
GoblinShaman>> I really don't want to go in there alone.

I was struck by an internal conflict.

On one side was my intense hatred of people and having to listen to stupid people.

On the other was my fondness for having money to buy luxuries such as food and clothing.

Hatred of people.

Fondness for pants.

How does a man make such a decision?

GoblinShaman>> I think they have free donuts.
GoblinSmithy>> Free donuts?
GoblinSmithy>> Sure, I'll go with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Gotta support my best friend, you know.
GoblinShaman>> I'm touched.
GoblinSmithy>> Great.
GoblinSmithy>> I get donuts and you get touched.
GoblinSmithy>> Win-win.

And with that, we stepped into Shaman's first meeting...

Five minutes later, we stepped out of Shaman's first meeting.

GoblinSmithy>> Good meeting.
GoblinSmithy>> You fixed yet?
GoblinShaman>> I can't believe you just did that.
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinShaman>> You stabbed a guy in the neck.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Good times.
GoblinShaman>> You're insane.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, he was asking for it.
GoblinSmithy>> He was a gilbuyer.
GoblinSmithy>> I know.
GoblinSmithy>> It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
GoblinShaman>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
GoblinShaman>> IT'S WRONG!
GoblinSmithy>> If killing gilbuyers is wrong, I don't want to be right.

He kind of stormed off after that.

I guess the meeting just wasn't for him.

Maybe it was that gobbie bomb I lobbed into the crowd.

Man, that got messy.

Good donuts, though.

Shaman Returns

Many of you have been asking where Shaman is. I realize he hasn't been in the blog for quite some time.

After the intervention to help him stop buying gil, he barred himself inside his house and hasn't come out since.

At least... Not until today.

I just happened to be wandering past Shaman's neighborhood when I noticed his door was ajar.

Right away, I started to worry. Shaman's the kind of guy that you always want to know where he is. Having someone who can set you on fire sneaking around is a bad idea.

And since personal experience has proven that I am highly flammable, I needed to find him as fast as possible.

I really didn't want him taking me by surpri...

And that's when I felt a soft tapping on my shoulder.

Without even turning, I knew it was him. I instinctively closed my eyes and waited for the sharp crackle of flame and the pungent odor of my burning flesh.

And waited...

And waited...

And... Nothing happened.

I turned slowly and there was Shaman. He looked like he had been sleeping under a dumpster for a week.

The weird thing though was the way his eyes looked. They were dull and far away.

GoblinSmithy>> Shaman?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you okay, Shaman?
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!
GoblinSmithy>> WAKE UP!

When it became readily apparent that yelling wasn't going to work, I decided drastic measures were in order.

Also, I have to say I got a little bit of enjoyment out of slapping that bastard.

GoblinShaman>> What the hell are you doing?!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm trying to wake you up.
GoblinSmithy>> You're kind of out of it.
GoblinShaman>> Couldn't you have just pinched me?
GoblinSmithy>> Huh...
GoblinSmithy>> Never thought about it.
GoblinShaman>> You just wanted to hit me, didn't you?
GoblinSmithy>> Little bit, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't expect you to wake up after the first one.
GoblinSmithy>> Ruins all the fun.
GoblinShaman>> So freakin' sorry to disappoint you.
GoblinShaman>> Jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Man, you owe me for that intervention.
GoblinShaman>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinShaman>> That's actually why I came to find you.

This was it. This was when he was going to set me on fire.

I could feel it.

GoblinShaman>> I wanted to thank you.


Yeah, maybe I overreacted.

GoblinSmithy>> You're thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinShaman>> You helped me see that it was wrong.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> Yes, you.
GoblinShaman>> I don't know what would have happened to me.
GoblinShaman>> Gil selling is an ugly place.
GoblinShaman>> You helped me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> I know it must have been hard.
GoblinShaman>> Having to take care of me.
GoblinShaman>> And then giving all of my stuff to charity.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Charity.
GoblinShaman>> Seriously, man. Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry about it.
GoblinSmithy>> I do like to give back to the community, you know.

Wow. It really seems that his isolation had helped him get past it all.

And it was all because of me.


And all out of the goodness in my heart.

GoblinShaman>> Wait...
GoblinShaman>> Are those my Snipers' rings?
GoblinSmithy>> Uh...
GoblinSmithy>> No?

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire III on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Crap.

I got to say, even despite the massive burning and internal injuries, it's nice to have Shaman back.

Look at me. I'm a big softy.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

GiftPacks Sent

I just finished the fan club giftpacks and sent them out.

Now, I just need sleep.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and get to the roots of the blog. This will either be funny or a horrendous failure.

So, you'll either get to laugh with me or at me.

Anyway, have a good night and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yes, I realize that does not include very much, but still.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Big Blingin'

So, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle when suddenly I hear loud music.

Now, this isn't exactly unheard of. Pretty much everywhere you go in Vana'diel has music playing.

You get used to it after a while.

But in all my years (4), I had never heard Tupac playing as background music.

The music was very loud and getting louder by the second. Underneath the music, though, I could hear another sound.

Hmmm... Couldn't figure out what it was. It was a loud squeal.

Maybe someone was killing a Taru.

Then slowly, I figured out what that sound was.

Screeching tires.

Now, who in the hell would be dumb enough to drive through the jun...

I managed to dive out of the way before Pathfinder could have ran me over in his Nissan.

At least... I thought it was Pathfinder's Nissan...

This thing was painted gold and had 20 inch rims with spinners. All of the windows were tinted and I'm pretty sure there was neon underneath the car.

I was just starting to wonder if somebody had been playing Saint's Row and gotten lost when the door opened and out jumped Pathfinder. He was wrapped in a big fur coat and his neck glittered with jewelry.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Like the new wheels?
GoblinSmithy>> Where did you get this thing?
GoblinSmithy>> Did a pimp have a yard sale?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're so funny, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> We should do lunch sometime.
GoblinPathfinder>> My people will call your people, k?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have people.
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, you don't have people.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, Smitty, Smitty...
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be playa hatin'.
GoblinSmithy>> What was that?
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> What you just said.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's how cool people talk.
GoblinSmithy>> What does that have to do with you?
GoblinSmithy>> And where did you get all of this stuff?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, haven't you heard?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm a movie star now.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need big, expensive things.
GoblinSmithy>> You're not a movie star.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then how can I afford all of this stuff, smart guy?
GoblinSmithy>> How can you afford all of this?
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Mostly my credit cards, but still...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh Altana, you're screwed.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be silly.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll pay them off when I get my big movie check.
GoblinSmithy>> What movie check?
GoblinPathfinder>> For the new Pathfinder movie.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm going to be a millionaire.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you actually act in the movie?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... No.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you have anything to do with the movie?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Did they even call you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not yet.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an idiot, you know that?
GoblinPathfinder>> You just don't understand show biz.
GoblinSmithy>> Apparently, not.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait... My cellphone is ringing.
GoblinPathfinder>> You don't have a cellphone.
GoblinSmithy>> Sure I do. It's right here.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not holding anything.
GoblinSmithy>> Sssshhhhh. I'm on the phone.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh huh... Uh huh...
GoblinSmithy>> It's your agent.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> What does he want?
GoblinSmithy>> Let me ask him.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh huh... Uh huh...
GoblinPathfinder>> Well?
GoblinSmithy>> He says you're retarded.

I swear right now, if he starts giving autographs, I'm going to kill him.

More than usual.