Workplace Safety

One of the things they didn't mention when I got the job was the obscenely high level of on the job hazards.

Yes, I know I was signing up to get stabbed on a regular basis. That was a given.

But have you ever actually taken a look at Vana'diel? The place is a death trap.

Oh, yeah, your cities are all nice and pretty. San d'Oria with it's beautiful castle walls. Bastok with it's gorgeous cobblework. Windurst with it's...

It's...

Sticks and mud.

Our places? I mean what the hell?!

Have you seen some of the places we're stuck with? Everything's a cave or a mine or a hole in the dirt.

And that's just dangerous.

Take Garlaige Citadel for example. The damned place has holes in the floor everywhere.

You're just walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you fall through a giant hole onto the rocks below.

You could sprain an ankle.

Or get eaten by a giant scorpion.

I'd call that a hazard wouldn't you?

I mean, a sprained ankle will mess up your whole weekend.

And all the Beastmen places are like that. Castle Oztroja, Castle Zvahl, Temple of UglyPie.

And Davoi... That place is just sticks and mud. Come to think of it, it looks a lot like Windurst only the people are better looking.

But the buildings aren't the only source of on the job danger for us. The interactions between different Beastmen and monsters in Vana'diel can lead to serious injury.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle.

Things were going perfectly normal. I was stabbing n00bs in the neck and sending them back to their home points, making them weep over the ruin that was their face.

You know, normal.

Suddenly, a Thief runs up and shoots me with an arrow. Yes, he shot me with an arrow.

On purpose.

Assuming this poor, poor fool was trying to commit suicide, I did the only sensible thing.

I decided to help him.

A lot.

So, I start to walk up to him and he takes off running. Apparently, he wasn't committing suicide.

Maybe he has really, really bad vision and thought I was just a big Mandragora.

Still, I feel it is my duty as a representative of the Beastmen forces to educate this young man in the proper safe handling of a bow and arrow.

ie. I was about to stick my knife into something he needs to live.

I run down after him and what do I see? The Thief standing there.

With a party.

He had pulled me and planned to kill me for exp.

Man, you guys crack me up.

The place was fairly packed. There were a few other parties all (intelligently) battling Mandragoras.

That was okay, though. I had no problem with those other parties.

I had other fish to fry.

Except replace the word "fish" with the word "people".

And the word "fry" with the words "puncture until all the stuff on the inside becomes all the stuff on the outside."

I tore into them and, I'll admit, they were doing a pretty good job. They were a higher level group and the hits were doing some damage.

Still, they were no match for me. I might need a couple of band-aids when this was over, but they'd need a coroner.

Rather than let this go on much longer, I figured I'd go right for the kill.

I reached for a gobbie bomb and...

The Mandragora uses Dream Flower.
GoblinSmithy is asleep.

And the gobbie bomb was ticking.

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

I'd just wake up as soon as one of them hits me. Then, I could just toss the bomb and Boom! Problem solved.

...

...

Why weren't they hitting me?

Player>> Zzzzz

Oh.

Crap.

Do you know what sucks?

Getting blown up while you're sleeping sucks.

Stupid Mandragoras.