Friday, June 30, 2006

Happy New Year!

Just a quick update.

We're having a huge bash in Castle Oztroja. Everybody's there.

We're partying like it's 999.

Which would be yesterday.

Anyway, Pathfinder, Shaman, and I are out to have some fun.

We're going to get lit and I don't mean Fire IV.

Have a happy new year everybody!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A Pathfinder's Life - Vol. 4

Heya, guys. This is me, Pathfinder.

Smitty said I could write today's blog update because apparently a whole bunch of people voted for me or something.

Also, he was muttering something about how only retarded people would vote for that moron anyway.

Man, I'm glad I'm not that moron.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everybody for voting for me and writing such nice things about me. Smitty even told me that I can write a special story for the monthly gift pack because you guys like me so much.

My therapist says you helped me reach a new level of self-acceptance.

At least, I think that's what he said.

See, he's a Qutrub. It's kind of hard to understand what he's saying since he doesn't have any lips.

Poor guy.

He's nice to me, though. It really helps when Smitty and Shaman "make withdrawals from my personal self-esteem account."

That's therapist talk for "they call me retarded."

I also wanted to tell you guys that I got a new pet. I named him Mr. Beeington cause he looks just like my old bee.

Also, it's easier to remember.

Remembering is hard.

I asked Smitty to help me find a new bee in Yhoator Jungle. He was so nice helping me find my first bee.

Apparently, this time he thinks I'll have a better chance finding a bee if I jump up my own ass.

But I decided to check the jungle first.

I wandered through a few tunnels until I finally saw a nice bee to call my own.

Sadly, I had a mischarm on my first attempt and the new Mr. Beeington got a wee bit angry with me.

Stab me in the eye with his stinger angry.

That's when Smitty came up behind me.

GoblinSmitty>> Not another damned bee.
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh huh.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's my new best friend.
GoblinSmitty>> Is best friend code for stabbing me to death?
GoblinPathfinder>> He's just getting used to me.
GoblinSmitty>> Good point.
GoblinSmitty> I feel like stabbing you, too.

That Smitty is such a joker.

GoblinPathfinder>> He's okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Calm down, new Mr. Beeington.
GoblinSmitty>> Creative name.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you.
GoblinSmitty>> ...
GoblinSmitty>> You're an idiot.

My therapist warned me about this.

Luckily, I've been reading.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, stop negatively impacting my self-image.
GoblinSmitty>> What?
GoblinPathfinder>> Your emotional attacks leave permanent scars.
GoblinSmitty>> I'm sorry. You're not an idiot.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you.
GoblinPathfinder>> That makes me feel much better about myself.
GoblinSmitty>> You're not an idiot.
GoblinSmitty>> You're freakin' crazy.
GoblinSmitty>> The only thing leaving scars is your best pal there.
GoblinPathfinder>> I just need to train him a bit.
GoblinSmitty>> Can I help?

A breakthrough. Smitty is being nice.

What a great day.

GoblinPathfinder>> That would be wonderful.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you, Smitty.
GoblinSmitty>> Oh, it's no problem.
GoblinSmitty>> Can I teach him a trick?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why not?
GoblinSmitty>> Okay.
GoblinSmitty>> Mr. Beeington...

GoblinSmitty uses Goblin Rush.
Mr. Beeington takes 7,83 points of damage.
Mr. Beeington was defeated by GoblinSmitty.

GoblinSmitty>> LIE DOWN, BITCH!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> NEW MR. BEEINGTON!!!

That stupid Smitty killed my best friend again.

Now, I'm stuck trying to find a new new Mr. Beeington.

Not such a great day after all.

A Pathfinder's Life - Vol. 3

After the incident with the Kraken, I was pretty much done with Pathfinder.

You really don't want to hang out with a guy who gets you savagely murdered three times in one night.

Unfortunately, he didn't seem to get the message.

So, given the situation, I could either:

a) sit him down and have a long discussion about our relationship during which I explain that this friendship cannot continue

b) stab that bastard in the eye

And since I was neither a woman nor retarded, I opted for the eye stabbing.

I do so love the eye stabbing.

So, I decided to invite good old Pathfinder to a Ballista match.

A sport that involves stabbing people to death for points.

There is a Santa Claus.

We're about to start up a match when he tells me he doesn't have a Ballista License.


I don't deal well with waiting. I'm more of an instant gratification kind of guy.


To facilitate the face stabbing, I decided to help him get his license.

So, we're stuck running all over the globe talking to the leaders of the three nations.


No, not those stupid adventurer nations.

We went to the real three nations, bitches. Davoi, Oztroja, and Beadeaux.

Beastmen, represent.

First, we head off to Davoi. Given how retarded the Orcs usually are, we figured this would be the easiest.

We were wrong.

OverlordBakgodek>> What do you bitches want?
GoblinSmithy>> He needs a Ballista licence.
OverlordBakgodek>> Well, why didn't you say so?
OverlordBakgodek>> Let me just pull one out of my ass.
GoblinPathfinder>> Could we just get a photocopy?
GoblinPathfinder>> That ass thing sounds kind of gross.
OverlordBakgodek>> ...
OverlordBakgodek>> Kind of dumb, isn't he?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> Except replace "kind of" with "super".
GoblinSmithy>> And "dumb" with "retarded".
OverlordBakgodek>> I'm feelin' ya.
OverlordBakgodek>> I'll give you the license.
GoblinSmithy>> Cool.
OverlordBakgodek>> But there is a small fee.
OverlordBakgodek>> A small 200, 000 gil fee.
GoblinSmithy>> 200, 000?!
OverlordBakgodek>> Do you think this gold hat was free?
OverlordBakgodek>> This bling costs money, bitch.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an asshole.
OverlordBakgodek>> We do have an alternate payment plan.
OverlordBakgodek>> It involves 100 orcs killing you.
GoblinSmithy>> You know, 200, 000 seems very reasonable.
OverlordBakgodek>> I thought it might.

The other two nations were just as bad. Each one had some damned wannabe god who made us pay 200, 000 gil for a license.

But it'd be worth it.

I'm going to kill Pathfinder so many times, he'll HP into FFXII.

So, we get his license and head to the nearest Beastmen Ballista match.

We square off and the event is just about to start when...

GoblinPathfinder>> Good luck, Smitty.

Isn't that sweet?

How could I hurt a poor, innocent soul like him?

GoblinSmithy>> Try not to bleed on my shoes.

Apparently, quite easily.

Good thing I was born without a conscience.

Everything was perfect. The event was just about to start and Pathfinder just got distracted by something shiny.

This is too easy.

KingBehemoth starts casting Meteor on GoblinSmithy.

You've got to be kidding me.

KingBehemoth uses Meteor.
GoblinSmithy takes 15,973 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by KingBehemoth.

KingBehemoth>> Suck that, bitch!
GoblinPathfinder>> Ow, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> That looked like it hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> You should put some ointment on that.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT THE HELL UP!

All that work and money to get killed.

Damn, I can get that shit for free.

Little did I know at the time, Pathfinder would forever be a source of constant and extreme pain.

Ain't life grand?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A Pathfinder's Life - Vol. 2

Today, I thought I'd share my first event with Pathfinder.

Or, as I like to call it, "The Day The Hate Began".

Catchy, huh?

Pathfinder had found a nice bee to play with. Unfortunately, he still hadn't unlocked the Beastmaster job so he couldn't charm him.

How hard could it be, right?

As I had not yet become jaded towards other living things by a myriad of deaths, I actually volunteered to help him.

Yes, you read that right.

I volunteered.

What the hell was wrong with me?

So, we get some info from a few Japanese goblins, and we set out from Jeuno.

We zone into Qufim and, right away, I can tell I liked this place.

You could actually smell the n00b death in the air.

We started running through the tunnels and things were going good.

For about 30 seconds.

At second 31, a Dancing Weapon jumps in front of us.

DancingWeapon>> Who's there?
GoblinSmithy>> Calm down.
GoblinSmithy>> It's only us.
DancingWeapon>> Who the hell is us?
DancingWeapon>> I don't have eyes, you moron.
GoblinSmithy>> It's Smithy and Pathfinder.
DancingWeapon>> Did you say Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> No, I didn't.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yes, you did, Smitty.
DancingWeapon>> You slept with my sister.
GoblinSmithy>> I sleep with a lot of people's sisters.
GoblinSmithy>> I can't keep track of all of them.
DancingWeapon>> Her name is Karen.
GoblinSmithy>> Hmmm... nope. Nothing.
DancingWeapon>> She's about my height.
GoblinSmithy>> Still not seeing it.
DancingWeapon>> She has swords floating over her head.
GoblinSmithy>> OH! Karen!
GoblinSmithy>> Still not ringing any bells.

And that was death #1.

But we weren't about to give up.

We HPed and then zoned right back into Qufim. This time, though, we made sure to sneak around old DW.

So, we head on up through the tunnel just as it turns to night.

Do you know what's fun about Qufim?

As soon as night hits, every adventurer in the zone comes back to the tunnel.

There we were, Pathfinder and me, and about 30 adventurers.

Death #2.

Being very focused (read: very stupid), we HPed again and headed back through the tunnels.

Sneak past the Weapons, wait for the adventurers to spread out.

Okay. Things are looking up.

We head along the coast and then down a short path to find some flowers.

Also, a giant squid monster.

See, they send you down to find some flowers. They don't mention the monster.

Personally, I'd mention the monster first.

"Hey, there's this big squid monster and I need something from behind it. Incidentally, the thing in question is a flower."

Is that so damned hard?


We try our best to sneak past old Kraken, but he can apparently smell stupid.

Kraken>> Excuse me, gentlemen.
Kraken>> Can I help you with something?
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh... yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> We need a flower.
Kraken>> Did you just ask me to murder you a lot?
Kraken>> Cause I can so do that.
GoblinSmithy>> No, thank you. Just the flower.
Kraken>> Sadly, those are my flowers.
Kraken>> If you touch them, I may have to go hentai on you.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to fold paper?
GoblinSmithy>> No. See those tenticles?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> He's going to stick those in your bad places.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's gross.
GoblinSmithy>> You think?!
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, you're retarded.
Kraken>> Are you girls done?
GoblinSmithy>> Man, can't you hook a couple of goblins up?
Kraken>> I don't know.
GoblinSmithy>> Help a Smithy out.
Kraken>> Wait...
Kraken>> Did you say Smithy?

I swear to Altana, I never slept with that guy's sister.

It was his mom, I think.

Death #3.

At this point, we just can't give up. That's not happening.

We HP, zone into Qufim, sneak past the Weapons, run past the Adventurers, and then tiptoe past the Kraken.


GoblinPathfinder>> That's funny.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What's funny?
GoblinPathfinder>> I forgot to start the quest.

Damn, I hate that bastard.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

A Pathfinder's Life - Vol. 1


What the hell did I ever do to you?

I mean besides the horrible face stabbings.

I make a simple request that no one vote for Pathfinder and then practically everyone votes for him.

You all SUCK!!!

Unfortunately, I am a man of my word and will spend this week regaling you with stories of my most hated of adversaries, Pathfinder.

A pox on all your houses.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Some of you may wonder how I first met Pathfinder.

Even if you didn't, it's the story you're going to hear.

It was my first day working in Yhoator Jungle. It was very early in my Smithy/face-stabbing career and I was still a young go-getter.

Yes, I started out like that. It took several years of daily beatings and burnings to mold me into the well balanced goblin you see before you.

So, I had just started my duty shift in Yhoator and wasn't quite sure where to go. The paths curved off in all directions.

I couldn't even find someone to stab.

That's when I hear someone behind me.

GoblinPathfinder>> That path right there.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's the one.
GoblinSmithy>> How do you know that?
GoblinPathfinder>> Read the name.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's kind of my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Gotcha.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you okay?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's kind of lonely here.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you should find a pet or something.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> YOU'RE A GENIUS!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I try.
GoblinPathfinder>> But where would I find a pet?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... you could catch one of those ugly, little things.
GoblinPathfinder>> A Taru?
GoblinPathfinder>> No thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> I did see a bunch of bees just over there.
GoblinSmithy>> I was just wandering around.
GoblinPathfinder>> A bee... That sounds good.
GoblinSmithy>> Yay! Problem solved!
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you, Mr...
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy. My name is Smithy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> It's Smithy. With a TH.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're a Thief?
GoblinSmithy>> ... No.
GoblinSmithy>> The word. It ends with TH.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, it doesn't.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thief end with EF.
GoblinSmithy>> ... You're an idiot.
GoblinPathfinder>> Idiot like a fox.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to go now.

I walk away and try to figure out exactly where that conversation went retarded.

A few minutes later, though, I hear Pathfinder screaming.

Being a noble, young goblin (damn, I hate myself), I quickly ran to help him.

Sure he was dumb, but he couldn't be that bad, right?

I hurry around a corner and there's Pathfinder. He's being smacked down by 6 adventurers.

And why you may ask.

He's protecting a bee.

GoblinPathfinder>> LEAVE MY PET ALONE!
GoblinSmithy>> Man, just let them have the bee.
GoblinSmithy>> There's another one right there.
GoblinPathfinder>> No. I'm saving my friend.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.

I was about to turn and walk away, when I saw an adventurer hit the bee and watched it fall out of the air.


Pathfinder just lost it. He rushed them with everything he had.

I really wish I hadn't, but I jumped in to help him.

If I had that minute back.

I started going after their main support, a White Mage and a Red Mage, when I look over and notice that Pathfinder was safe.

They had left him alone.

To concentrate on me.


The six of them tore me to shreds. That shit was crazy. I think the White Mages used Hundred Fists.

And do you know what capped off the whole event?

The damned bee, didn't even die.

GoblinPathfinder>> Look, Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> He's waking up.
GoblinSmithy>> Yay.
GoblinSmithy>> Could you come help me find my spleen?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, I think he hurt his wing.
GoblinSmithy>> That's so sad.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd shed a tear if my eyes weren't swollen shut.
GoblinPathfinder>> I think I'll name him Mr. Beeington.
GoblinSmithy>> I prefer Imwithstupid.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you so much, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm seaking from the bottom of my heart when I say
GoblinSmithy>> DIE IN A FIRE!
GoblinPathfinder>> You're a good friend.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

And from that day on, I was friends with tormented by this fourth grade drop out and his ugly, mutant bee.

And the only thing I ever got out of it was a nice hat.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Come And Get It

I was looking at the calendar while I was waiting for my skin grafts to heal (long story) and I noticed that it was getting kind of close to the end of the month.

You know what that means, right?

It's fan club time again.

I know you love me.

Just like last time, anyone who donates $5 or more during the month to help support me (and the purchasing of more knives) will receive a special free fan club gift pack.

It's not much, but it's something to show my appreciation for all of the adventurers who are nice enough to hook me up even after I stabbed them in the face.

Do you remember that time?

With the knife?

You should have seen the look on your face.

Anyway, the gift pack will include some extra stories, a couple of wallpapers, a selection of fun pictures, some great fan art, and whatever else I can think of to include.

But I've decided to step things up a notch. Rather than just getting the gift pack, this week the readers will choose what stories will run.

Would you like more stories of Garrison? Dynamis? Limbus?

Me versus gil sellers?

Me versus gil buyers?

Me and Pathfinder?

Please don't choose Pathfinder.

Anyone can feel free to post their choices or suggestions in the comment section of this update
and I will tabulate the results.

And by tabulate, I mean write down.

So get posting and I'll see what you guys really want to hear about.

A lot of crap happens to me. You might as well hear me bitch about the ones you like the most.

And, just like every other month, the reader who donates the most during the month will be given the chance to appear in the blog if they like.

I mean, you're going to get Smithied in the jungle anyway, right?

Might as well have it posted on the intarweb.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Mobucon 2006 - Vol. 2

After my little foray with the cross-dressing Taru, I decided I might be a little safer at the Con.

Safer in a place where 28 year old old fat guys dress like 14 year old anime chicks...

Yeah. I feel really good about my life right now.

As soon as I entered the main hall, I ran over and bought a Taru headgear.

I hope it was the little bastard's mom.

It's kind of annoying though.

I can't get the bitch's hair to part the way I want.

So, I'm walking along the booths, happily munching away on my pocky, when Shaman comes running up to me.

GoblinShaman>> HEY, SMITHY!
GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> What's going on?
GoblinShaman>> You won't believe it.
GoblinShaman>> There's an adventurer here.
GoblinSmithy>> Holy damn.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinShaman>> Well, he just punched an orc to death.
GoblinShaman>> So he's either an adventurer...
GoblinShaman>> Or one pissed off NPC.

GoblinSmithy>> He punched him to death?
GoblinShaman>> He's a Monk.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh. He's too stupid to work a weapon.
GoblinSmithy>> Gotcha.
GoblinSmithy>> How'd he get in?
GoblinShaman>> Apparently, he's an Elvaan.
GoblinSmithy>> And?
GoblinShaman>> They thought he was a dhalmel.
GoblinSmithy>> So what is he doing?
GoblinShaman>> Right now, he's wiping orc off his knuckles.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean what's he doing here?
GoblinShaman>> Uhh...
GoblinShaman>> He's looking for you.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Damn.
GoblinShaman>> He said something about you killing his brother.
GoblinSmithy>> I kill a lot of people.

GoblinShaman>> Yeah, well he doesn't look very happy.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinShaman>> If he kills you, can I have your pocky?
GoblinSmithy>> Die in a fire.

I've never been one to walk away from a fight.

Hell no.

I run.

Unfortunately, the Elvaan was blocking the only exit.

That was a Monk alright. He was wearing a full set of bright orange artifact armor.

Well... not a full set.

He was wearing a Naruto headband.


Still, though, he has made a terrible mistake and will have to pay for it with his life.

GoblinSmithy>> HEY! YOU!
GoblinSmithy>> BIG, TALL AND UGLY!
Elvaan>> There you are.
GoblinSmithy>> Boy, aren't you observant.
Elvaan>> I have a score to settle with you.
GoblinSmithy>> You have a score to settle with your tailor.
GoblinSmithy>> Orange?
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
Elvaan>> You killed my brother.
GoblinSmithy>> Probably.
GoblinSmithy>> That's kind of my thing.
Elvaan>> I am here to avenge his death.
Elvaan>> And to punish you for your crimes.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah. Now's not so good for me?
GoblinSmithy>> How's the twelfth of never for you?
Elvaan>> I will have vengeance.
GoblinSmithy>> Why the drama?
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you guys left the emo to the DRKs.
Elvaan>> DIE, GOBLIN SCUM!!!

That's when he charged me. Damn, that boy was fast.

And he hit hard.

Lucky for me, I have an Ace up my sleeve.

GoblinSmithy>> That was a serious mistake.
GoblinSmithy>> AV! COME KILL THIS GUY!
AbsoluteVirtue>> Yeah... about that...
AbsoluteVirtue>> Not so much.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean NO?!
AbsoluteVirtue>> I would totally save you.
AbsoluteVirtue>> But you slept with my sister, AbsoluteInnocence.

Oh damn.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh come on.
GoblinSmithy>> We didn't do anything that bad.
AbsoluteVirtue>> They changed her name to ModerateInnocence.
GoblinSmithy>> She did do that thing with her tongue.
AbsoluteVirtue>> Good luck with the fist-related death.
AbsoluteVirtue>> Jackass.

Yeah. He's definitely not going to save me.

There was only one thing I could do.

GoblinSmithy>> Would it help if I said I was sorry?
AbsoluteVirtue>> Probably not.
GoblinSmithy>> Good. Cause I'm not.
GoblinSmithy>> And that bitch is nasty.
AbsoluteVirtue>> YOU SON OF A BITCH!

AbsoluteVirtue uses Manafont.

GoblinSmithy>> Bye bye, Monky.

AbsoluteVirtue starts casting Meteor.
AbsoluteVirtue casts Meteor.
Elvaan takes 2,487 point of damage.
GoblinSmithy takes 2,165 points of damage.
Elvaan was defeated by AbsoluteVirtue.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by AbsoluteVirtue.

GoblinSmithy>> Hell yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> He went down like your sister.

I don't mind dying as long as the stupid monk dies, too.

Damn, I hate Monks.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Damnedable Hats

Listen. My job is hard enough.

I mean with the stabbing and the getting stabbed and the bleeding and the being bled on...

It's hard work.

We really don't need you stupid, little adventurers messing with us and trying to make it any harder.

So, I'm in the jungle as usual, when I see this huge group of Adventurers standing around a single Mandy.

Poor bastard.

Then I notice that they're not even hitting him.

They're just standing there taunting him.

I mean, kill the guy. That's the way the game works. He shows up and you stab him to death.

That's cool.

But don't tease the little bugger. He's just doing his job.

Since I am such a thoughtful, caring goblin, I decide that I'm going to help the kid out.

And by "help the kid out" I mean "remove their spines through their nostrils."


GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry, man.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got your back.

I charge their group and start wiping them out.

I cut their White Mage down in a flash, smash a couple of Dark Knights, and then go to work on a Paladin.

GoblinSmithy>> Picking on a poor Mandy.
GoblinSmithy>> You should be ashamed of yourselves.

They were barely putting up a fight.

And then I see it...

BlackMage1 starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

I turned fast trying to find the Black Mage. Maybe I could Rush him before he had time to cast.

But I couldn't find him.

Dammit. Where is that bastard?

GoblinSmithy>> Oh damn. I'm toast.
GoblinSmithy>> You'd better run for it, Mandy.
BlackMage1>> Why do you keep calling me Mandy?

I look down at the Mandragora. The sad, little Mandragora that I was protecting.

Funny... the Mandragora is wearing a Taru mask.


That's a Taru wearing a Mandragora hat.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn.

BlackMage1 casts Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

GoblinSmithy takes 1,367 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by BlackMage1.

See what happens when I try to do a good deed?

Nope, that's it.

From now on, I'm sticking with the murdering. No helping.

Good samaritans tend to get burned. A lot.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mobucon 2006

Alternate Title: "Smithy Cons IT++"

It's that time of year again.

You could practically smell the unwashed masses sat at home preparing their cosplay gear.

That's right. It time for MOBUCON 2006!!!

When I arrived at the convention centre this morning, I was pleased to see that so many people were attending.

To be honest, I didn't expect many people to show up.

Last year's convention went slightly awry when a group of Adventurer Black Mages crashed the party and started casting Thundaga III on the crowds.

At first people thought it was just a bunch of Yagudos LARPing, but then the smell of burnt flesh hit the air and it was sheer anarchy.

I barely had time to loot a few Evangelion boxed sets.

This year was different though. We had Absolute Virtue at the front gate working security.

And no Wall of Justice around either, you cheap bitches.

A few Black Mages tried hiding behind the Dairy Queen next door.

We had some ice cream after Virtue gutted the little bastards.

So, I walk into the main hall of the convention centre and I'm absolutely blown away.

There are booths as far as the draw distance can see.

Off to one side, there's a Qiqirn from the Near East selling Pocky. Also, what appears to be the roasted corpse of a Taru.

Damn, I love Pocky.

Then there's the Adventurer Headgear booth where you can purchase a special Helm made from any species of Adventurer.

There's nothing as cute as a Mandragora wearing a Mithra Headgear.

Just down the main thoroughfare is a huge booth selling a variety of T-shirts.

My favorites are the "Provoke" shirt and the "Choo Choo, Bitches" goblin train shirt.

Also available in baby T sizes for the ladies.

Or Triple-X Ugly for Gigas.

Then I see some little punk bastard selling bootleg copies of a new Anime movie.

What is wrong with people? How could someone actually copy such important art and then sell it on the street like common trash? It's just revolting.

I could barely contain my disgust as I picked up a few copies.

I'm just starting to get into the whole CON thing, when I am affronted by the most disgusting thing I have ever seen: Sailor Moon.

That is to say a Qutrub wearing a homemade Sailor Moon costume complete with Magic Wand and life like sweat stains.

GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
SailorUgly>> I'm cosplaying.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You're disgusting.
SailorUgly>> You just don't understand Anime.
GoblinSmithy>> What's to understand?
GoblinSmithy>> You make me wish I had eye cancer.
SailorUgly>> Shut up.
SailorUgly>> I made this costume myself.
GoblinSmithy>> It must have taken you a long time.
GoblinSmithy>> So long that you didn't get time for a shower.
SailorUgly>> What's that supposed to mean?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> I couldn't hear you over the smell.
SailorUgly>> You're an ass.
Goblinsmithy>> You smell like ass.
SailorUgly>> YOU BASTARD!
SailorUgly>> You're going to pay for that!
GoblinSmithy>> Wow. I'm really scared.
SailorUgly>> I stand for love...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord.
SailorUgly>> And I also stand for justice...
GoblinSmithy>> Could we hurry this up?
GoblinSmithy>> I've got to burn this image out of my brain.
SailorUgly>> And in the name of the Moon...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't blame this on the moon.
GoblinSmithy>> Blame spandex.
Sailor Ugly>> I WILL PUNISH YOU!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you is punishment enough.
GoblinSmithy>> The smell should be considered a war crime.

And then that freak hit me.

In the head.

With a plastic wand.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
SailorUgly>> Taste Moon Justice!
Goblinsmithy>> That's it?
GoblinSmithy>> The smell did more damage than that.
SailorUgly>> OH YEAH?!
GoblinSmithy>> Wow. Nice comeback.
GoblinSmithy>> Ouch.
SailorUgly>> We'll end you now!
GoblinSmithy>> This is just getting...


Did he just say we?

SailorUgly2>> Sailor Venus!
SailorUgly3>> Sailor Mercury!
SailorUgly4>> Sailor Mars!
SailorUgly5>> Sailor Jupiter!
GoblinSmithy>> Could someone stop society please?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to get off now.

They swarmed me like a pack of dogs.

Like a pack of sweaty, ugly dogs wrapped in spandex.

I was sure it was the end.

SailorUgly>> WAIT!!!
SailorUgly>> LOOK!!! IT'S TUXEDO MASK!!!

Out of nowhere, someone in a tuxedo and cape leapt in front of me, protecting me from their revolting horde.

TuxedoMask>> Don't worry, Sailors.
TuxedoMask>> I'll handle this monster.
SailorUgly>> Oh thank you, Tuxedo Mask.

Ugly times five turned and walked away.

Must be time to head back to their parent's basements.

Unsure of what to do, I picked myself up and prepared myself to fight this Tuxedo Moron.

TuxedoMask>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't tell me.
TuxedoMask>> Hey look!
TuxedoMask>> A path!
GoblinSmithy>> Someone kill me please.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Father's Day

I love my Dad. I really do.

But honestly, the guy is getting up there.

You've heard the phrase over the hill?

Yeah, he's not only over the hill, but over a few hills past that one.

So, you can only imagine how "fun" it is to spend the day with him.


GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Dad.
GoblinFodder>> Hello, Son.
GoblinFodder>> How are things?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, you know. Same old, same old.
GoblinSmithy>> Attack an adventurer, get burned alive.
GoblinFodder>> Did you get burned by a Black Mage again?
GoblinSmithy>> Only one or twelve times.
GoblinFodder>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
GoblinFodder>> Can't win a fight like that, you know.
GoblinSmithy>> It's a little harder than you think, Dad.
GoblinFodder>> Eh. You don't have it so rough.
GoblinFodder>> Why back in my day...
GoblinSmithy>> Here we go.
GoblinSmithy>> Somebody call the Wahmbulance.
GoblinFodder>> You ever been beaten down by an old man?
GoblinFodder>> Cause I can so make that happen.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Go on with your story.
GoblinFodder>> Back in my day, you couldn't just chase people.
GoblinFodder>> You chose a square and stuck with it.
GoblinSmithy>> Dad, we haven't used squares in years.
GoblinFodder>> We had to use the squares, boy.
GoblinFodder>> How else would you line up an attack?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I don't know...
GoblinSmithy>> With your freakin' eyes?!
GoblinFodder>> You young people.
GoblinFodder>> We didn't have no fancy attacks back then.
GoblinSmithy>> I wouldn't call my attacks fancy.
GoblinFodder>> We didn't have no gobby bombs...
GoblinFodder>> Or whatever the hell they're called.
GoblinSmithy>> It's Bomb Toss, Dad.
GoblinSmithy>> We toss a bomb.
GoblinSmithy>> This isn't rocket surgery.
GoblinFodder>> A BOMB!
GoblinFodder>> We didn't need no bombs.
GoblinFodder>> We used our fists.
GoblinSmithy>> They had knives back then, too.
GoblinSmithy>> Why didn't you use those?
GoblinFodder>> ...
GoblinFodder>> Shut up. That's why.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd really be scared right now...
GoblinSmithy>> Except you don't have a knife.
GoblinFodder>> We didn't need knives.
GoblinFodder>> Our fists were weapons enough.
GoblinSmithy>> Know what else makes a good weapon?
GoblinSmithy>> A knife.
GoblinFodder>> I guess I never shook you enough as a child.
GoblinSmithy>> What?!
GoblinFodder>> I never said anything.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, you did.
GoblinFodder>> Who are you again?
GoblinSmithy>> Knock that off.
GoblinSmithy>> You're not senile.
GoblinFodder>> You can't prove that.
GoblinSmithy>> Remember my wife?
GoblinFodder>> Don't even talk about her.
GoblinFodder>> I think I just threw up in my mask.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a common reaction.
GoblinFodder>> I'd guess it was.
GoblinFodder>> That bitch looks like refried ass.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow.
GoblinSmithy>> That's nice, Dad.
GoblinFodder>> You married her.
GoblinFodder>> I told you not to.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually you said "Who let that in here?"
GoblinFodder>> I was nice to her.
GoblinSmithy>> You screamed "King Behemoth!!!"
GoblinSmithy>> And then you ran for a zoneline.
GoblinFodder>> I don't remember that.
GoblinSmithy>> You kept yelling "Ugly train to zone!!!"
GoblinFodder>> I had to warn people.
GoblinFodder>> It's only right.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen, Dad. I've got to go.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm supposed to be on fire right now.
GoblinFodder>> Can't even take on a Black Mage.
GoblinFodder>> That's so sad.
GoblinSmithy>> I can still take you, old man.
GoblinFodder>> Care to try, sonny boy?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to, Dad.
GoblinSmithy>> But where would we find a set of squares?

We stepped outside and I have to admit, the old man is pretty fast.

He hobbled up behind me and started punching me.

Yes. He was punching a goblin in armor.

With his fists.

Maybe this explains the slow learning.

GoblinSmithy>> You almost done?
GoblinFodder>> You almost dead?
GoblinSmithy>> Not quite.
GoblinSmithy>> Just don't want you to break a hip.

I took it easy on him. I mean, he's my old man.

It's funnier to stretch the beating out.

But then he went too far.

GoblinFodder uses Eye Gouge.

GoblinSmithy>> WHAT THE HELL?!
GoblinSmithy>> MY FREAKIN' EYE!
GoblinFodder>> Who's old now, bitch?
GoblinSmithy>> I know someone who's not getting older.

GoblinSmithy readies Bomb Toss.

GoblinFodder>> You'd bomb your own father?
GoblinSmithy>> YOU GOUGED MY EYE OUT!!!
GoblinFodder>> I fail to see your point.

GoblinSmithy uses Bomb Toss.
GoblinFodder was defeated by GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh... I almost forgot.
GoblinSmithy>> Happy Father's Day.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Smithy Goes to Limbus... Again

I need a psychiatrist.

There has to be some reason why I continually endanger my own life.

I'm always signing up for some event where there is a very good chance that I will get either:

a) stabbed
b) burned
c) stabbed and burned
d) gangbanged by an alliance of NPCs

That's just not smart.

Now, some of you are probably thinking that I want to die because I hate everyone.

That's not true.

That's the reason I want everyone else to die.

I mean why would I want to hurt myself just because you're all retarded?

That wouldn't make very much sense.

There are two reasons I sign up for these high risk events:

1) I like money

Money is incredibly helpful if you like to buy things. I like to buy things, so I need money.

This isn't quantum physics or anything.

2) I'm apparently very stupid

I seem to be incapable of learning from my own mistakes.

I die again and again and again, but I don't actually learn to avoid these stupid events.

Maybe this helmet is too tight or something.

It's okay, though, because every now and then, it pays to be stupid.

Yesterday, I was working in the Maze of Shakrami. Things were going kind of slow and the adventurers seemed content with not being stabbed to death.

In other words, I was bored as hell.

GoblinSmithy>> Well... this is better than being burned alive.

Fate must have very good hearing because it was just that second that Shaman walked up to me.

Maybe Fate has a sense of humor, too.

GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinShaman>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to ask me to do something.
GoblinSmithy>> My answer is no.
GoblinShaman>> Oh come on.
GoblinSmithy>> I've been reviewing.
GoblinSmithy>> Everytime you ask me to do something...
GoblinSmithy>> I end up dead.
GoblinShaman>> You big bitch.
GoblinShaman>> It's not every time.
GoblinSmithy>> Is that your argument?
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinShaman>> Just hear me out.
GoblinSmithy>> Why don't you hear me out?
GoblinSmithy>> My answer begins with a K...
GoblinSmithy>> And rhymes with "Kiss my ass."
GoblinShaman>> Yeah.
GoblinShaman>> That's real funny.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> If I go with you, I'll get burned alive.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got a lighter at home.
GoblinShaman>> Well... I could just light you up now.
GoblinSmithy>> Go ahead.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm getting lit on fire either way.
GoblinSmithy>> At least this saves me a walk.
GoblinShaman>> Trust me.
GoblinShaman>> This is a good deal.
GoblinSmithy>> 2 for 1 skin grafts?
GoblinShaman>> Remember Limbus?
GoblinSmithy>> Go to hell.
GoblinShaman>> I heard a Ninja is going to try and solo it.
GoblinSmithy>> Good for him.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope he stabs you in the neck.
GoblinShaman>> He'll never make it to the seventh floor.
GoblinSmithy>> Neither will I.

We went on like that for a long time. Finally, Shaman said the one thing that I couldn't resist.

GoblinShaman>> There's money involved.

So we were on our way to Limbus.

We walk all the way there and then trudge up seven flights of stairs.

Side note: who the hell designs these damned building? Seven floors with no elevator?

You're retarded.

Moving on.

We waited on the seventh floor for about an hour and it looked like Shaman was right.

No ninja.

I like free money.

Unfortunately, nothing good can happen to me and right then, the Ninja appears.


But I'm not even giving that boy a chance. I rush him hard and fast, and start smacking away at him.

I'm dodging and weaving, and I am giving him my best hits.

If it weren't for his shadows, he'd be dead.

As it is, he looked like he was getting kind of sleepy.

Damned Ninjas.

GoblinSmithy>> Start Firagaing him!
GoblinShaman>> What?
GoblinShaman>> Why?
GoblinSmithy>> Cause I need those shadows down.
GoblinSmithy>> And you may actually be good for something.
GoblinShaman>> That's the nicest thing you've ever said.
GoblinSmithy>> That's nice.
GoblinSmithy>> We'll save the hug for later, k?

Shaman went to work with the aga spells and it actually started to work. His shadows were dropping like Pathfinder's mom.

Oh yeah, baby.

Then something completely unexpected happened...

I won.

Yeah. I was shocked, too.

That Ninja bitch just went limp and flopped to the floor. I was so surprised that I stabbed him another 7 times.

Numbers 8 through 12 were just for fun.

Thing actually looked good. We had survived and everything looked nice and clear.

BlackMage1>> I told you he couldn't solo it.
BlackMage1>> Good thing he brought us, huh?




BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III.
BlackMage3 starts casting Thundaga III.
BlackMage4 starts casting Blizzaga III.
BlackMage5 starts casting Thundaga III.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III.

GoblinSmithy>> Remember that hug, Shaman?
GoblinShaman>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Change it to a murdering, k?

Note to self: STOP DOING LIMBUS!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's About Damned Time

I've always known I would be famous.

Unfortunately, all of those "Rare Drop" monsters got all the attention.

But finally, Mr. Smithy is getting the recognition he deserves.

No, I was not on an episode of COPS.

This morning I was interviewed by Cosmo'diel Magazine.

That's right. Between the articles on "How To Please Your Galka" and "Doing Besieged for a Shapelier Butt", there's a stirring, no-holds-barred interview your favorite blogger, me.

And, luckily for you readers, I'm going to post the interview in its entirety.


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Firesday 12:00pm by Tatry Bradsails

WINDURST WATERS - Yes faithful readers, we are presenting a new article! Our brand new Cosmo'Diel Special, this will contain an interview conducted by yours truly with a prominent Vana'Diel inhabitant! Yes fans, I can hear you gasping for air and thinking "Did my eyes deceive me?" They didn't! Our first Cosmo'Diel Special will be about our favourite blogger, Goblin Smithy! Isn't this exciting?

The interview is because of possible safety issues, not conducted live but through postal services. Even then we weren't always certain if all the other extreme safety precautions would be adequate enough.

Correspondence published uncensored:

Tatry: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. Your faithful fans and our faithful Cosmo'Diel readers must be anxious to get some more insights in to a Goblin Smithy's life.

GoblinSmithy: I'm only too happy to take a break from my busy schedule of being burned alive or getting killed by morons.

Tary: I think the first and foremost question on everyone's mind must be;
Why did you ever sign up for the job and have you ever considered finding another area of expertise to earn your gil?

GoblinSmithy: Well... I signed up for the job as a way to make money. I find money is incredibly important if you want to have interesting hobbies like eating or living indoors.

Unfortunately, my "expertise" as you put it does not translate well into many other professions.

You might not believe it, but face stabbing is not a marketable skill.

My choices were basically Goblin or Ex-football player.

Tatry: Did your parents approve of the job, or in case they are the reason you signed up are they proud of you?

GoblinSmithy: Oh, my parents are very proud of me. Very, very proud. As a matter of fact, my Dad was a Goblin in Final Fantasy Tactics.

Considering how poorly I did in school, they were just happy I got any job.

That's the key to life, people. Keep their expectations low.

Tatry: We know you had a tough time in several places. So will you ever participate in Dynamis or Limbus ever again?

GoblinSmithy: Never say never.

While I do enjoy my skin being unmelted, I cannot simply ignore the money involved.

You know the old saying: a penny saved is usually related to third degree burns and possible internal bleeding.

Tatry: How is it possible that Shaman and Pathfinder seem to be able to drag you with them to undertake such random adventures? Also, has someone already held you under water?

GoblinSmithy: Well, I'm usually dragging Shaman along. It's nice having a Black Mage around for those emergencies when you need some help.

Or need a Taru set on fire.

As for Pathfinder... you don't get much more random than that guy.

And up to this point no, no water. The last guy who tried to cast Water on me got a face full of sword.

He wasn't so much with the spells after that.

Tatry: Have you changed your mind yet about the latest expansion?

GoblinSmithy: Yes and no.

I find the new areas irritating as all hell, but it does keep some of the especially stupid n00bs busy and out of my jungle.

While killing n00bs is fun, I'd much rather they round all of those morons up and drop them off in Al Zhabi.

Tatry: Have your feelings towards the new jobs changed yet?

GoblinSmithy: Not really. It's hard to take them seriously.

You have Corsairs dressed like Pirates which is just retarded. Jack Sparrow called, guys. He says that shit's been done.

Then there's the Blue Mages. Nice AF, people. I guess Victoria's Secret was having a sale.

And the PuppetMasters. These guys probably have a lot of experience playing with dolls. Luckily, they don't have to inflate these.

Tatry: Of course some of our Cosmo'Diel girls had questions of a complete Glossy nature and I have promised to ask you these. You are free to withold from any comments of course if things might become too personal.

GoblinSmithy: I get burned alive on a daily basis and have Thieves jam knives into my ass every other day.

I really don't think your questions are going to embarass me.

Tatry: What kind of family did your ex wife belong to? You have mentioned her several times but never revealed her true race.

GoblinSmithy: Don't even mention her true face. Not even in joking.

I think I just threw up in my mask.

She was a Goblin. Well... mostly. I'm pretty sure there were a few Orcs swimming in that gene pool.

She was very ugly and very stupid. She did, however, put out which is really all I need from a woman.

Tatry: Are you still looking for a partner or are you just 'playing the field' ? And if anyone of our readers are interested in can they leave you a message on your Blog?

GoblinSmithy: I'm not looking for Ms Right. I'm looking for Ms. "Right Now".

Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want" and Ms. "I Like Girls Too" should give me a call.

Tatry: Are you still considering the possibilities of dating a Lamia? If not, what other race has tickled your fancy?

GoblinSmithy: Well... I don't think I've ever had my "fancy" tickled.

And no, not dating a Lamia. Those girls have some great tail, but those fangs could be a problem.
No biting the "fancy", please.

Tatry: We all know you wear a Subligar and there are more and more Subligar wearers every day. Do you have any tips to treat a chafed skin?

GoblinSmithy: I use a special balm of my own recipe.

Mix some Lanolin, a little lotion, and a ground up Taru. Really helps.

Tatry: Is it true that the publishers of the Tactics Manuals have approached you to write a book?

GoblinSmithy: Not so much a book as pamphlet.

A pamphlet that says "STAB FACES WITH POINTY THINGS".

Uwe Boll has already signed on to direct the movie.

Tatry: It is known that you are a reader of [GM]Dave's blog. Have you ever had dealings with him or any other GM?

GoblinSmithy: Not really.That [GM]Dave guy seems like a real prick.

And coming from a guy that stabs people in the groin with a sword, that's really saying something.

Tatry: Thank you for taking the time to work with Cosmo'Diel!

GoblinSmithy: It was a pleasure. I like to make sure my fans are kept happy.

Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want", call me. Seriously.

And there you have it fans. If anyone else is contemplating on interviewing Goblin Smithy. I would suggest having at least several High Level Mages and Paladins guarding you while making sure your present location is unknown to anyone. Also do not use a Moogle for delivery.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Dear Altana, There's Two of Them

For a long time, I thought that Pathfinder had to be unique.

He had to be.

I could not perceive of a god that would create two creatures that monumentally stupid.

But alas, I was wrong.

This morning, I was on duty in Yhoator, when Pathfinder came running up to me.

Instantly, I turned and ran the other way, but he managed to catch up with me.


GoblinSmithy>> Oh. Hey, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't see you.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I waved.
GoblinSmithy>> What can I say?
GoblinSmithy>> Must have missed it.
GoblinPathfinder>> You waved back.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't get your point.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need your help.
GoblinSmithy>> There's a path right there.
GoblinSmithy>> Nice talking with you. Later.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh! A pat... NO!
GoblinPathfinder>> This is serious.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh. What happened now?
GoblinSmithy>> Did you fall on your bee?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yes, actually.
GoblinPathfinder>> How did you know?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I really hate you, you know that?
GoblinPathfinder>> We need to do something.
GoblinPathfinder>> He looks hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I do have a sword.
GoblinPathfinder>> SMITTY!
GoblinSmithy>> Just tossing around ideas.
GoblinSmithy>> An axe maybe?
GoblinPathfinder>> STOP THAT!
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe we should find Shaman.
GoblinPathfinder>> Do you think he can heal my bee?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> But he does know Fire III.
GoblinPathfinder>> Over my dead body.

GoblinSmithy>> That can be arranged.
GoblinPathfinder>> Please, Smitty?
GoblinPathfinder>> Pretty please?
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> Just stop talking.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh Thank You, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Remind me to hurt you later.

So we set off to find someone who could save Pathfinder's bee.

Or the nearest chasm I could throw them both into.


As we were walking, we ran into a Tonberry. He was kind enough to inform us that there was a veterinarian in Pso'Xja.

At least, that's what I think he said.

How the hell do you pronouce Pso'Xja anyway?

With this new piece of information (and no chasms in sight), we headed over to Beaucedine Glacier to find Pso'Xja.

Why would a veterinarian set up a practice in Pso'Xja anyway?

Seriously. Anyone with a grain of sense would want a more centralized location to maximize business.

But no. Setting up near Jeuno would have made too much damned sense. I'm stuck walking halfway around the world because we can't find a teleport and the good doctor is too stupid to study basic business practices.

Man, I hate people.

We finally make it all the way to Beaucedine and make our way over to the Stone Tower that leads to the level 60 cap section of Pso'Xja.

Right away, I was getting pissed off. I didn't sign up for a damned maze.

We wander around for a little while, asking random goblins for help, when suddenly we see her: Goblin Veterinarian.

At least... I think it was a her.

It's very hard to tell with all of that armor.

GoblinVeterinarian>> Hi there. Can I help you?
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to help my bee.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's hurt.
GoblinVeterinarian>> Oh dear.
GoblinVeterinarian>> That looks bad.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing a sword wouldn't cure.
GoblinVeterinarian>> Excuse me?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm just saying.
GoblinSmithy>> It would be very efficient.
GoblinVeterinarian>> I don't believe in killing.
GoblinSmithy>> I do.
GoblinSmithy>> Almost exclusively.
GoblinPathfinder>> Please excuse my friend.
GoblinPathfinder>> He doesn't understand.
GoblinSmithy>> Understand what?
GoblinSmithy>> Your unhealthy fixation on a bee?
GoblinVeterinarian>> Why are you so negative?
GoblinSmithy>> Eh... It's a hobby.
GoblinVeterinarian>> You should get a pet of your own.
GoblinSmithy>> Sure. Why not?


GoblinSmithy>> Got one.
GoblinSmithy>> Now what?
GoblinPathfinder>> MR. BEEINGTON!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Look what you did.
GoblinSmithy>> You made him cry.
GoblinVeterinarian>> You killed his pet.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's not argue about who killed what.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's all just agree that you're both retarded.
GoblinVeterinarian>> You're going to pay for that.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.

That's when she hit me in the face.

You know, for someone who doesn't believe in killing, she sure has come to terms with kicking someone's ass.

I pulled my sword and charged her. Things were kind of rough, but I was holding my own.

The fight was just getting interesting when the Veterinarian whistled.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you trying to catch a cab or...

And that was when her bat smashed me in the back of the head.

Damn those things hit hard. I think one of my eyes popped out and actually looked back at the other eye.

With two on one (and Pathfinder still blubbering over in the corner), the fight didn't last long. She beat me so bad, I had to respawn twice.

The next time Pathfinder asks for help, I want one of you guys to hold me underwater until I stop kicking.

Monday, June 12, 2006

A Brave New World

Something odd happened today.

As soon as I got to work, I noticed that something was different.

It was like the air was fresher, cleaner somehow.

Also, smarter.

I was just porting over to Delkfutt's Tower when I got a tell.

Ogygos>> Umm... Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, man.
GoblinSmithy>> What's up?
Ogygos>> Not much.
Ogygos>> Uh... did something happen today?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not sure what you mean.
Ogygos>> Well, it's kind of strange.
Ogygos>> I've been alive for a whole minute now.
GoblinSmithy>> Holy shit!
GoblinSmithy>> How'd you pull that off?
Ogygos>> There's nobody here.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow.
Ogygos>> You think they're all playing Warcraft?
GoblinSmithy>> No. That's not what I meant.
Ogygos>> I have no idea what to do now.
Ogygos>> I've never actually lived this long before.
GoblinSmithy>> You just walk around for a while.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait for an adventurer to come murder you.
Ogygos>> Really?
Ogygos>> Just wait around?
GoblinSmithy>> That's it in a nutshell.
GoblinSmithy>> You can walk in a pattern if you like.
Ogygos>> This sucks.
Ogygos>> At least when they get me right away, it's quick.
Ogygos>> All of this waiting around is killing me.
GoblinSmithy>> As opposed to an arrow to the brain.
Ogygos>> Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
Ogygos>> How's the head wound?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> I can't get my hair to part right anymore.
Ogygos>> You should have seen the look on your face.
GoblinSmithy>> I did.
GoblinSmithy>> Most of it was stuck to the inside of my mask.
Ogygos>> Ouch.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm so glad you're alive.
GoblinSmithy>> I just love reminiscing.
Ogygos>> Wow.
Ogygos>> This is what five minutes feels like.
GoblinSmithy>> Woah, woah, woah.
GoblinSmithy>> You want to slow down there, big boy.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait til you try six minutes.
Ogygos>> This is crazy.
GoblinSmithy>> You want to hear crazy?
GoblinSmithy>> I've actually been alive for HOURS.
Ogygos>> Are you freakin' kidding?
GoblinSmithy>> Nope. Hours.
Ogygos>> Your drops must REALLY suck.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
Ogygos>> Damn, man.
Ogygos>> I drop socks most of the time.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT UP!
Ogygos>> Maybe you should get some socks.
GoblinSmithy>> Keep talking like that...
GoblinSmithy>> And you won't see ten minutes.
Ogygos>> Ooooooooh, I'm sooo scared.
Ogygos>> I haven't seen ten minutes since the JP beta.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not surprised.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd want to stab your ugly ass, too.
Ogygos>> Need me to get you a step ladder?
GoblinSmithy>> This has been lots of fun.
GoblinSmithy>> Could you possibly die in a fire?

Where are the damned gil sellers when you actually want them?

I mean Ogygos was my friend, but that's probably due to the fact that he's never lived long enough to piss me off before.

Now, I'd really like to see his spine up for sale on ebay.

GoblinShaman>> Did you hear?
GoblinSmithy>> Hear what?
GoblinShaman>> They banned a bunch of gil sellers.
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
GoblinSmithy>> How long until they get back?
GoblinShaman>> Well, they perma-banned the accounts.
GoblinShaman>> So, I'd say a week.
GoblinShaman>> Week and a half tops.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe he'll die of boredom.

I need gil sellers for one thing. One damned thing.

And those freakin' tards can't even do that right.

What next?

Simurgh>> Umm... Smithy?

I'm going to stab one of those gil sellers in the lung.

In about a week.

Week and a half tops.

Garrison: The Revenge

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm not a dumb guy.

I'm not stupid.

I can form logical thoughts and even make logical decisions.

So why in the name of hell do I keep signing up for Garrison?

Honestly. Orcs learn faster than this.

The money.

I blame the money.

How can I be expected to make good decisions when "The Company" is waving a big stack of cash under my nose?

This wicked cool armor isn't free, you know.

And dry cleaning n00b blood gets awful damned pricey.

I mean, I get killed on a daily basis anyway. Why not make some good cash out of the deal?

So, I get gangraped by an alliance of NPCs.

It's a living.


Today, though. Today something odd happened.

I signed up for Garrison knowing full well that I would probably die. I had come to accept it.

I suited up, sharpened my blade, and then headed over to Buburimu Peninsula.

But when I got there, I did not find a horde of Goblins ready to strike fear (and swords) into the souls (and skulls) of men.

I found Shaman.

And his fear striking abilities were questionable.

GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> ... uh... Hi, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Team's running a little light tonight.
GoblinShaman>> Nope.
GoblinShaman>> This's our lucky night.
GoblinSmithy>> Your definition of lucky must be different.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't define mass perforation as "lucky".
GoblinShaman>> Have I ever steered you wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> Several times actually.
GoblinShaman>> It wasn't several.
GoblinSmithy>> It's all itemized on my hospital bill.
GoblinSmithy>> My 16 page hospital bill.
GoblinShaman>> When did you turn into such a little bitch?
GoblinSmithy>> Right around the third skin graft.
GoblinShaman>> Well, quit your whining.
GoblinShaman>> You'll enjoy this.

I started to make a concise argument (read: I must just about to stab him in the eyeball) when I heard the soft hum of a warp.

It was time to die.

There was a slight blur as we were warped to the outpost and we spawned not far from the guard.

Immediately, I heard something.

Was it the low rumbling of an NPC alliance bearing down upon us?


Was it the warcry of 18 adventurers waiting for us?


Was it a total freakin' retard standing there mumbling to himself?


Player: Does anyone know what "Garrison" is?
Player: The guard said something about an attack.

One single, solitary adventurer.

Wait... correction. I miscounted.

One single, solitary adventurer and one NPC that did not look too impressed.

NPC>> Can I join you guys?
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry. Full party.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Damn.

I should explain at this point that it is possible for a single player to start a Garrison event.

It is not intelligent to do so, but it is possible.

This poor, unfortunate soul (read: drooling, uneducated moron) had walked up to the outpost guard and traded a Garrison trigger item.

By himself.

Without finding out what would happen.

I could practically hear Darwin laughing.

GoblinSmithy>> Hello there, Adventurer.
GoblinSmithy>> Can we help you with something today?
GoblinSmithy>> You were expecting clowns perhaps?

I've never been so happy to stab someone in the face before. It was like opening a present on Christmas morning.

A present full of brain matter, but still.

And then we turned our attention on the NPC.

NPC>> Listen, guys.
NPC>> I'm just doing my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you should look into a new career.
NPC>> You're going to kill me aren't you?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd have to lean towards a yes on that one.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Crap.

I didn't stop when his name went gray.

I didn't even stop when he hit the ground.

By my count, I had been killed by roughly 36 NPCs. This bitch was going to die 36 times.

I like to be thorough.

And then, when I finally, finally stopped stabbing her dead, mutilated corpse, she said the funniest thing.

NPC>> Damn, I hate Garrison.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Smithy Gets No Love (Luckily)

See, I thought the other day was the perfect day.

Pathfinder was dead. So was the moron Ninja.

And I made an amazing trade. I traded my sword for a Hauberk.

I traded the sword to buddy's face, but still.

That was a good day.

But it was lacking something.

Like an amazing meal that's missing just one small thing, one small bit of flavor that you just can't do without.

There was no revenge.

Thus, the day was not perfect.

Today... today was perfect.

I was working in Yuhtunga Jungle and helping slow adventurer population growth (via murder).

I'm a philanthropist.

Suddenly, Pathfinder comes running up to me.

Well... he wasn't running exactly. He was walking kind of funny.

So, Pathfinder comes walking funnily up to me.

GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> You gotta help me.
GoblinSmithy>> I really doubt that.
GoblinPathfinder>> This is serious.
GoblinSmithy>> And yet...
GoblinSmithy>> I still don't care.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's a matter of life and death?
GoblinSmithy>> Yours or mine?
GoblinPathfinder>> Mine.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you like that show Lost?
GoblinSmithy>> That's one crazy island.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, I'm going to die.
GoblinSmithy>> One can only hope.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh please, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're my only hope.
GoblinSmithy>> Calm the hell down, Leia.
GoblinSmithy>> I know I'm going to regret asking this.
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong?
GoblinPathfinder>> It's Lamia.
GoblinSmithy>> If you shut up right now, I won't kill you.
GoblinSmithy>> *coughquicklycough*
GoblinPathfinder>> I think she's trying to kill me.
GoblinSmithy>> Santa got my letter.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'M SERIOUS!
GoblinSmithy>> Say it again. The killing part
GoblinPathfinder>> She's trying to kill me.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll never get tired of hearing that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I think she used some weird Lamia magic.
GoblinPathfinder>> Some kind of Fire spell.
GoblinSmithy>> Yay! Fire Magic!
GoblinSmithy>> We never get enough of that.
GoblinPathfinder>> It burns.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, you'd assume it would.
GoblinSmithy>> It being Fire magic and all.
GoblinPathfinder>> IT HURTS!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, stop whining, you big freakin' baby.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll take you to a Doctor.

I rushed him straight to Valkurm to find a Goblin Doctor.

Maybe not perfectly straight.

We may have taken the scenic route through Beaucidine Glacier.

I don't think Pathfinder enjoyed the scenery. What with the screaming and all.

Finally (after a few circles), made our way to Valkurm and found a Doctor. He took Pathfinder down the beach to examine him, and he came back a few minutes later.

GoblinPathfinder>> We can go now.
GoblinSmithy>> What was it?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't want to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't want to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> You know you have to tell me.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me hurt you.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... sigh.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not Lamia Fire magic.
GoblinSmithy>> Then what was it?
GoblinSmithy>> Wait... where were you hurt?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't want to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> HAHAHAHA!!!!

Now, a Hauberk is a nice piece of armor.

Worth a lot of damned gil, too.

But Pathfinder getting the old (( Short Sword )) (( Burn )) ...

That shit is priceless.

Damn, today was a good day.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Goblin Smithy: Not a Whore

Can't you morons do your own dirty work?

I don't mind killing people.

Hell, I actually enjoy it most days.

But I kill people on my own schedule. I'm one of those self-employed type of murderers.

Every now and then, though, some retarded adventurer tries to enlist me to kill someone they don't like.

Do I look like a team player? Honestly?

Maybe it's just me, but if I saw a Goblin with a sword and armor covered in n00b blood, I really wouldn't want to team up with him.

Earlier today, I was hanging out in Yhoator Jungle getting my stab on.

Things were going reasonably well. I had already taken out a few parties and was taking a break when I heard shouting.

Now, I wasn't expecting shouting. Screaming, yes. We get screaming all the time. But not so much with the shouting.

And the funny thing was that it was two adventurers shouting.

At each other.

Paladin>> We were here first.
Paladin>> Move your party back.
Ninja>> Screw u, bitch.
Ninja>> Itz a free world.
Paladin>> Your mandies are putting our mages to sleep.
Ninja>> Then y dont u move?
Paladin>> We were here first.
Ninja>> So STFU!
Paladin>> We'll see who's here in a minute.

Wow, they're cool.

Do you know what makes you a big man? Pathetic posturing in a video game.

Remember, kids: all the cool people make pointless threats on the intarweb.

So, the Paladin runs off and pulls a Mandy.

Right into the middle of the other party.

The Ninja's party gets slept mid-battle and basically wipes. The only person to make it out alive was, you guessed it, the Ninja.

Can you see where this is going?

The Ninja, being the intelligent person he is decides the only way to reassert his e-peen is to MPK the Paladin's party.

And how does he decide to MPK them?

Ninja>> A goblin smitty.
Ninja>> Perfect.
GoblinSmithy>> Why, thank you.
Ninja>> (( Provoke )) ---> GoblinSmithy
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you think you're doing?
Ninja>> I need you to kill this party.
GoblinSmithy>> Hold on. I need to check my day planner.
GoblinSmithy>> ... Nope. Today's no good.
GoblinSmithy>> How's the third of kiss my ass?
Ninja>> STFU and come on
GoblinSmithy>> So the third's no good then?

So the retard starts dragging me toward the zoneline expecting me to aggro their party on the way back.

Apparently, he doesn't keep up with patch notes.

I don't hang around unless I feel like it.

I get my swings in and his HP starts to hurt, but he makes it to the zoneline.

And I warp back to my camp.

I'm still laughing at the moron when he comes running back.

Ninja>> WTF happened?!
Ninja>> U didnt kill them.
GoblinSmithy>> Aren't you observant?
GoblinSmithy>> Who's a smart adventurer?
Ninja>> Shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes you are, yes you are.
GoblinSmithy>> Good boy.
Ninja>> Just shut the hell up and come on.
(( Provoke )) ---> GoblinSmithy
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Must be a slow learner.

And so we run the same routine again.

Stab, stab, stab. Run, run, run.

Zone, respawn.

It'd be funny if it wasn't so damned pathetic.

But did the Ninja finally learn his lesson?

What do you think?

GoblinSmithy>> Look who's back!
GoblinSmithy>> It's Suzy, the wonder tard.
Ninja>> Y arent u killin them?
GoblinSmithy>> I've decided to become a pacifist.
GoblinSmithy>> I did say unkind things about them, though.
Ninja>> But I want u to hurt them.
GoblinSmithy>> The White Mage started to cry a little.
Ninja>> KILL THEM!
(( Provoke )) ---> GoblinSmithy
GoblinSmithy>> Why don't we ever do what I want to do?

Third verse, same as the first.

Except this time, while I was waiting for my new bestest pal to get back, Shaman showed up.

GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> What's going on?
GoblinSmithy>> I got a new pet.
GoblinShaman>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> We're playing fetch right now.
GoblinSmithy>> He's gone to find more stupid.
GoblinShaman>> Sounds cute.

And that's when Narutard comes back.

Ninja>> OH COME ON!
GoblinSmithy>> NO!
GoblinShaman>> He seems a little stunned.
GoblinSmithy>> I blame the schools.
(( Provoke )) ---> GoblinSmithy
GoblinSmithy>> I'm trying to teach him to stay.
GoblinShaman>> Oh, I can help you there.

GoblinShaman casts Bind on Ninja.

GoblinShaman>> And there you go.
Ninja>> DAMMIT!
GoblinSmithy>> I knew I liked you for some reason, Shaman.
GoblinShaman>> I do what I can.
GoblinSmithy>> He's a good boy.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing wrong with him.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... nothing that wouldn't be cured with a bag and some rocks.

Ninja is no longer bound.
GoblinShaman casts Bind on Ninja.

Ninja>> %#^%^@!@#$%^&**@$!%
GoblinSmithy>> If you'll excuse me for just a second.
GoblinSmithy>> I need to gently correct his mistake.

GoblinSmithy uses Goblin Rush.
Ninja takes 578 points of damage.
Ninja was defeated by GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> And what did we learn?

Seriously, guys. That shit is weak.

If you can't beat them, then go find something else to do. I hear Barbie Horse Adventures is a fun game.

Man up and do your own damned killing.

I've got better shit to do.

Damn, I hate slackers.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Perfect Day

It had to happen eventually.

Given all the bad things that have happened to me lately, I was bound to have a good day.

Law of averages and all that.

I mean, if it's raining shit on your head, you have to figure that they'll run out of shit eventually.

But I must admit that even though I knew a good day was coming, I couldn't have expected a day this good.

Perhaps it was all the third degree burns, horrible concussions, or disfiguring scars, but I really found it hard to be optimistic.

That all changed today. This glorious, glorious day.

I woke up feeling bad.

That's not surprising.

The damned birds were singing outside my window. To be honest, I do feel kind of bad about throwing that Gob bomb, but at least it was quiet after that.

I started my day in Rolanberry Fields. I figured a nice, leisurely stroll through the fields might make for a good morning.

Then I heard a sound. A terrible, horrible, frightening sound.

No, no. Not a low rumbling.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> How are things?
GoblinSmithy>> They were a lot better a few minutes ago.
GoblinPathfinder>> I know what you mean.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm having a really bad morning.
GoblinSmithy>> Finally.
GoblinSmithy>> Some good news.
GoblinPathfinder>> Lamia did this thing last night...
GoblinSmithy>> You need to shut up right now.
GoblinPathfinder>> With her tail...
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> Long story short, I nearly broke a hip.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh... right...
GoblinPathfinder>> Sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> Could you do me a favor?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure thing, buddy.
GoblinSmithy>> Die in a fire!
GoblinPathfinder>> Man, you're funny.

I was just about to smack him upside his head (read: stab him a new nostril) when a Samurai ran by.

Nice. An adventurer to take my anger out on.

Things were looking up.

GoblinSmithy>> HEY! TOM CRUISE!
GoblinSmithy>> EAT SWORD!
Samurai>> OH CRAP!

I love how eloquent you adventurers are.

Anyway, the damned SAM runs for his life. I, of course, take off after him and, because Altana hates me, Pathfinder decided to follow.

Yippy skippy.

I may have to raise the SAM and kill him twice to handle this much rage.

We chase him toward the zoneline, getting a few hits in, and he dies just in sight of safety. He was literally steps away.

GoblinSmithy>> Woot!
GoblinPathfinder>> Maybe we can find a Paladin to chain.
GoblinSmithy>> He went down faster than your mom.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah, he totally went down faster...
GoblinPathfinder>> HEY!

I was just starting to laugh when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

No... wait...

I saw somethingS.

A quick turn of my head, and I was greeted by a sight that drove ice through my spine.

A horde of adventurers waiting at the zoneline.

It was a massive army of every race, just waiting to pummel us into toothpaste.

Ain't life grand?

GoblinSmithy>> Oh shit.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen... this is not what it looks like.

But then I noticed something.

They weren't moving.

None of them.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is this?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, they sit here all the time.
GoblinPathfinder>> They're trying to sell expensive items.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> The adventurers call them asses or something.


An entire group of adventurers sitting around trying to sell items.

GoblinSmithy>> You do know what this means, right?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure.
GoblinSmithy>> It's SMITHY TIME!

We tore through their masses with a quick flurry of swords.

Galkas fell like fat, ugly, smelly trees.

Tarus fell like... well... like a foot and a half.

I was, however, honorable enough to not loot the corpses.

On an unrelated note, do you like my new Hauberk?

Things were going fabulously, when I saw a taru ninja come out of Jeuno and walk smack dab into the middle of our swordgy.

And he got mad.

Very, very mad.

Ninja>> What do you think you're doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Shopping?
GoblinSmithy>> It's a red torso sale.
GoblinSmithy>> All faces half off.
Ninja>> I can't let you do this.
GoblinSmithy>> Hold on a second.
GoblinSmithy>> If one of these bodies has boots...
GoblinSmithy>> I can shake in them.

He pulled his katanas and came at me. He was fast, too.

I barely had time to see Pathfinder stumble between us and take a katana to the neck.

Pathfinder lost it. He went absolutely berserk.

I suppose me standing behind him and using Warcry didn't help.

Seeing as I hate a fair fight, I hopped in the battle. Pathfinder and I went to work on this Ninja.

Things were looking good, too. His health was dropping like a rock and given that he was a Taru, it didn't have far to drop.

We were just about to beat his ass down, when I saw the message.

Ninja readies Majin Gakure.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord.
GoblinSmithy>> And I just got these skin grafts.
GoblinPathfinder>> We almost had him.
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder, could you do me a favor?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.

So I grabbed him and used him as a meat shield.

The Ninja exploded and Pathfinder took the blast for me.

Nice guy, that Pathfinder. Totally willing to die for his friends.

He didn't know that, but he was.

When the smoke (and charred Taru bits) cleared, I was left with 1 hp, a new Hauberk, and Pathfinder's dead corpse.

Damn, it was a good day.