Garrison: The Revenge
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not a dumb guy.
I'm not stupid.
I can form logical thoughts and even make logical decisions.
So why in the name of hell do I keep signing up for Garrison?
Honestly. Orcs learn faster than this.
The money.
I blame the money.
How can I be expected to make good decisions when "The Company" is waving a big stack of cash under my nose?
This wicked cool armor isn't free, you know.
And dry cleaning n00b blood gets awful damned pricey.
I mean, I get killed on a daily basis anyway. Why not make some good cash out of the deal?
So, I get gangraped by an alliance of NPCs.
It's a living.
Ironically.
Today, though. Today something odd happened.
I signed up for Garrison knowing full well that I would probably die. I had come to accept it.
I suited up, sharpened my blade, and then headed over to Buburimu Peninsula.
But when I got there, I did not find a horde of Goblins ready to strike fear (and swords) into the souls (and skulls) of men.
I found Shaman.
And his fear striking abilities were questionable.
GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> ... uh... Hi, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Team's running a little light tonight.
GoblinShaman>> Nope.
GoblinShaman>> This's our lucky night.
GoblinSmithy>> Your definition of lucky must be different.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't define mass perforation as "lucky".
GoblinShaman>> Have I ever steered you wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> Several times actually.
GoblinShaman>> It wasn't several.
GoblinSmithy>> It's all itemized on my hospital bill.
GoblinSmithy>> My 16 page hospital bill.
GoblinShaman>> When did you turn into such a little bitch?
GoblinSmithy>> Right around the third skin graft.
GoblinShaman>> Well, quit your whining.
GoblinShaman>> You'll enjoy this.
I started to make a concise argument (read: I must just about to stab him in the eyeball) when I heard the soft hum of a warp.
It was time to die.
There was a slight blur as we were warped to the outpost and we spawned not far from the guard.
Immediately, I heard something.
Was it the low rumbling of an NPC alliance bearing down upon us?
No.
Was it the warcry of 18 adventurers waiting for us?
No.
Was it a total freakin' retard standing there mumbling to himself?
Yup.
Player: Does anyone know what "Garrison" is?
Player: The guard said something about an attack.
One single, solitary adventurer.
Wait... correction. I miscounted.
One single, solitary adventurer and one NPC that did not look too impressed.
NPC>> Can I join you guys?
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry. Full party.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Damn.
I should explain at this point that it is possible for a single player to start a Garrison event.
It is not intelligent to do so, but it is possible.
This poor, unfortunate soul (read: drooling, uneducated moron) had walked up to the outpost guard and traded a Garrison trigger item.
By himself.
Without finding out what would happen.
I could practically hear Darwin laughing.
GoblinSmithy>> Hello there, Adventurer.
GoblinSmithy>> Can we help you with something today?
Player>> OH DAMN! GOBLINS!
GoblinSmithy>> You were expecting clowns perhaps?
I've never been so happy to stab someone in the face before. It was like opening a present on Christmas morning.
A present full of brain matter, but still.
And then we turned our attention on the NPC.
NPC>> Listen, guys.
NPC>> I'm just doing my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you should look into a new career.
NPC>> You're going to kill me aren't you?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd have to lean towards a yes on that one.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Crap.
I didn't stop when his name went gray.
I didn't even stop when he hit the ground.
By my count, I had been killed by roughly 36 NPCs. This bitch was going to die 36 times.
I like to be thorough.
And then, when I finally, finally stopped stabbing her dead, mutilated corpse, she said the funniest thing.
NPC>> Damn, I hate Garrison.
I'm not a dumb guy.
I'm not stupid.
I can form logical thoughts and even make logical decisions.
So why in the name of hell do I keep signing up for Garrison?
Honestly. Orcs learn faster than this.
The money.
I blame the money.
How can I be expected to make good decisions when "The Company" is waving a big stack of cash under my nose?
This wicked cool armor isn't free, you know.
And dry cleaning n00b blood gets awful damned pricey.
I mean, I get killed on a daily basis anyway. Why not make some good cash out of the deal?
So, I get gangraped by an alliance of NPCs.
It's a living.
Ironically.
Today, though. Today something odd happened.
I signed up for Garrison knowing full well that I would probably die. I had come to accept it.
I suited up, sharpened my blade, and then headed over to Buburimu Peninsula.
But when I got there, I did not find a horde of Goblins ready to strike fear (and swords) into the souls (and skulls) of men.
I found Shaman.
And his fear striking abilities were questionable.
GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> ... uh... Hi, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Team's running a little light tonight.
GoblinShaman>> Nope.
GoblinShaman>> This's our lucky night.
GoblinSmithy>> Your definition of lucky must be different.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't define mass perforation as "lucky".
GoblinShaman>> Have I ever steered you wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> Several times actually.
GoblinShaman>> It wasn't several.
GoblinSmithy>> It's all itemized on my hospital bill.
GoblinSmithy>> My 16 page hospital bill.
GoblinShaman>> When did you turn into such a little bitch?
GoblinSmithy>> Right around the third skin graft.
GoblinShaman>> Well, quit your whining.
GoblinShaman>> You'll enjoy this.
I started to make a concise argument (read: I must just about to stab him in the eyeball) when I heard the soft hum of a warp.
It was time to die.
There was a slight blur as we were warped to the outpost and we spawned not far from the guard.
Immediately, I heard something.
Was it the low rumbling of an NPC alliance bearing down upon us?
No.
Was it the warcry of 18 adventurers waiting for us?
No.
Was it a total freakin' retard standing there mumbling to himself?
Yup.
Player: Does anyone know what "Garrison" is?
Player: The guard said something about an attack.
One single, solitary adventurer.
Wait... correction. I miscounted.
One single, solitary adventurer and one NPC that did not look too impressed.
NPC>> Can I join you guys?
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry. Full party.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Damn.
I should explain at this point that it is possible for a single player to start a Garrison event.
It is not intelligent to do so, but it is possible.
This poor, unfortunate soul (read: drooling, uneducated moron) had walked up to the outpost guard and traded a Garrison trigger item.
By himself.
Without finding out what would happen.
I could practically hear Darwin laughing.
GoblinSmithy>> Hello there, Adventurer.
GoblinSmithy>> Can we help you with something today?
Player>> OH DAMN! GOBLINS!
GoblinSmithy>> You were expecting clowns perhaps?
I've never been so happy to stab someone in the face before. It was like opening a present on Christmas morning.
A present full of brain matter, but still.
And then we turned our attention on the NPC.
NPC>> Listen, guys.
NPC>> I'm just doing my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you should look into a new career.
NPC>> You're going to kill me aren't you?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd have to lean towards a yes on that one.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Crap.
I didn't stop when his name went gray.
I didn't even stop when he hit the ground.
By my count, I had been killed by roughly 36 NPCs. This bitch was going to die 36 times.
I like to be thorough.
And then, when I finally, finally stopped stabbing her dead, mutilated corpse, she said the funniest thing.
NPC>> Damn, I hate Garrison.
6 Comments:
Everyone has to win everyonce in a while.
-Kajeenith, The Mad God of Darkness
"I could practically hear Darwin laughing." It's good to have people out there who makes sure that the weakest perish...again and again and again....
Great blog, I'm a bit worried about how you and yours view me and mine. We're not -that- tasty you know. All that magic using does weird things to a Taru, seriously..
Smithy can laugh now, but his luck will run out soon enough. Murphey said so ;o
Excellent Smithy ^.^ Love it, the Smithy 4tw!
Don't mean to nitpick, but it'd be cool if your pronouns matched at the end... Unless you mean to have given the NPC a sex change operation. Which is quite possible. >.>
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