Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's About Damned Time

I've always known I would be famous.

Unfortunately, all of those "Rare Drop" monsters got all the attention.

But finally, Mr. Smithy is getting the recognition he deserves.

No, I was not on an episode of COPS.

This morning I was interviewed by Cosmo'diel Magazine.

That's right. Between the articles on "How To Please Your Galka" and "Doing Besieged for a Shapelier Butt", there's a stirring, no-holds-barred interview your favorite blogger, me.

And, luckily for you readers, I'm going to post the interview in its entirety.


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Firesday 12:00pm by Tatry Bradsails

WINDURST WATERS - Yes faithful readers, we are presenting a new article! Our brand new Cosmo'Diel Special, this will contain an interview conducted by yours truly with a prominent Vana'Diel inhabitant! Yes fans, I can hear you gasping for air and thinking "Did my eyes deceive me?" They didn't! Our first Cosmo'Diel Special will be about our favourite blogger, Goblin Smithy! Isn't this exciting?

The interview is because of possible safety issues, not conducted live but through postal services. Even then we weren't always certain if all the other extreme safety precautions would be adequate enough.

Correspondence published uncensored:

Tatry: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. Your faithful fans and our faithful Cosmo'Diel readers must be anxious to get some more insights in to a Goblin Smithy's life.

GoblinSmithy: I'm only too happy to take a break from my busy schedule of being burned alive or getting killed by morons.

Tary: I think the first and foremost question on everyone's mind must be;
Why did you ever sign up for the job and have you ever considered finding another area of expertise to earn your gil?

GoblinSmithy: Well... I signed up for the job as a way to make money. I find money is incredibly important if you want to have interesting hobbies like eating or living indoors.

Unfortunately, my "expertise" as you put it does not translate well into many other professions.

You might not believe it, but face stabbing is not a marketable skill.

My choices were basically Goblin or Ex-football player.

Tatry: Did your parents approve of the job, or in case they are the reason you signed up are they proud of you?

GoblinSmithy: Oh, my parents are very proud of me. Very, very proud. As a matter of fact, my Dad was a Goblin in Final Fantasy Tactics.

Considering how poorly I did in school, they were just happy I got any job.

That's the key to life, people. Keep their expectations low.

Tatry: We know you had a tough time in several places. So will you ever participate in Dynamis or Limbus ever again?

GoblinSmithy: Never say never.

While I do enjoy my skin being unmelted, I cannot simply ignore the money involved.

You know the old saying: a penny saved is usually related to third degree burns and possible internal bleeding.

Tatry: How is it possible that Shaman and Pathfinder seem to be able to drag you with them to undertake such random adventures? Also, has someone already held you under water?

GoblinSmithy: Well, I'm usually dragging Shaman along. It's nice having a Black Mage around for those emergencies when you need some help.

Or need a Taru set on fire.

As for Pathfinder... you don't get much more random than that guy.

And up to this point no, no water. The last guy who tried to cast Water on me got a face full of sword.

He wasn't so much with the spells after that.

Tatry: Have you changed your mind yet about the latest expansion?

GoblinSmithy: Yes and no.

I find the new areas irritating as all hell, but it does keep some of the especially stupid n00bs busy and out of my jungle.

While killing n00bs is fun, I'd much rather they round all of those morons up and drop them off in Al Zhabi.

Tatry: Have your feelings towards the new jobs changed yet?

GoblinSmithy: Not really. It's hard to take them seriously.

You have Corsairs dressed like Pirates which is just retarded. Jack Sparrow called, guys. He says that shit's been done.

Then there's the Blue Mages. Nice AF, people. I guess Victoria's Secret was having a sale.

And the PuppetMasters. These guys probably have a lot of experience playing with dolls. Luckily, they don't have to inflate these.

Tatry: Of course some of our Cosmo'Diel girls had questions of a complete Glossy nature and I have promised to ask you these. You are free to withold from any comments of course if things might become too personal.

GoblinSmithy: I get burned alive on a daily basis and have Thieves jam knives into my ass every other day.

I really don't think your questions are going to embarass me.

Tatry: What kind of family did your ex wife belong to? You have mentioned her several times but never revealed her true race.

GoblinSmithy: Don't even mention her true face. Not even in joking.

I think I just threw up in my mask.

She was a Goblin. Well... mostly. I'm pretty sure there were a few Orcs swimming in that gene pool.

She was very ugly and very stupid. She did, however, put out which is really all I need from a woman.

Tatry: Are you still looking for a partner or are you just 'playing the field' ? And if anyone of our readers are interested in can they leave you a message on your Blog?

GoblinSmithy: I'm not looking for Ms Right. I'm looking for Ms. "Right Now".

Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want" and Ms. "I Like Girls Too" should give me a call.

Tatry: Are you still considering the possibilities of dating a Lamia? If not, what other race has tickled your fancy?

GoblinSmithy: Well... I don't think I've ever had my "fancy" tickled.

And no, not dating a Lamia. Those girls have some great tail, but those fangs could be a problem.
No biting the "fancy", please.

Tatry: We all know you wear a Subligar and there are more and more Subligar wearers every day. Do you have any tips to treat a chafed skin?

GoblinSmithy: I use a special balm of my own recipe.

Mix some Lanolin, a little lotion, and a ground up Taru. Really helps.

Tatry: Is it true that the publishers of the Tactics Manuals have approached you to write a book?

GoblinSmithy: Not so much a book as pamphlet.

A pamphlet that says "STAB FACES WITH POINTY THINGS".

Uwe Boll has already signed on to direct the movie.

Tatry: It is known that you are a reader of [GM]Dave's blog. Have you ever had dealings with him or any other GM?

GoblinSmithy: Not really.That [GM]Dave guy seems like a real prick.

And coming from a guy that stabs people in the groin with a sword, that's really saying something.

Tatry: Thank you for taking the time to work with Cosmo'Diel!

GoblinSmithy: It was a pleasure. I like to make sure my fans are kept happy.

Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want", call me. Seriously.

And there you have it fans. If anyone else is contemplating on interviewing Goblin Smithy. I would suggest having at least several High Level Mages and Paladins guarding you while making sure your present location is unknown to anyone. Also do not use a Moogle for delivery.


Blogger BuzZ said...

Nice i-view mate. More fame awaits you...just don't let it get in the way of faces and pointy things k?

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Tatry Bradsails said...

Sales are sky rocketing! The Moogles can't keep up. You're hot and fabulous Smithy, fabulous!
Maybe next time we can do a photoshoot in different armour sets? Barren-Morren, our good friend, would be able to make some unique Goblin Smithy only hats.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Myloko said...

Smithy the superstar! :D!

4:48 PM  
Blogger WindexHamster said...

This is the first time in a long time that I actually laughed out loud while reading this blog.


"GoblinSmithy: Don't even mention her true face. Not even in joking.

I think I just threw up in my mask."


"Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want" and Ms. "I Like Girls Too" should give me a call."

4:54 PM  
Blogger Reeree said...

Tatry: It is known that you are a reader of [GM]Dave's blog. Have you ever had dealings with him or any other GM?
GoblinSmithy: Not really. That [GM]Dave guy seems like a real prick.

Great. Now I have Yagudo drink coming out my nose. Thanks a lot, Goblin Smithy.

6:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uwe Boll... lmao.

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent Blog, after having read it all, I can say you are an excellent writer. Thank you. :D Just Thank you.

On an unrelated note: Do you know "Goblin Wolfman"? I've been trying to keep in touch with him lately, but he seems to be rather hard to find...

8:59 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

Also, Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want", call me. Seriously.

You should try to hook up with [GM]Dave's mom. From what he writes about her, she's pretty easy. If you're into Mithra.

Interesting read. :)

1:50 AM  
Blogger Chronofantasy said...

Goblin Smithy hooking up with [GM]Dave's mother... now that'd be an interesting read, but weird to crossover, and then perhaps Dave and Goblin Smithy would turn into Archenemies.. Hmm..

It's really nice to see an interview of the fantastic Goblin Smithy. Now to have one on [GM]Dave. :D

4:00 AM  
Blogger Stocky said...

I can be Mr Put it anywhere you want


4:53 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

"Also do not use a Moogle for delivery"

LMAO i can imagine the death toll with all this correspondence would have been absolutely horrific.... or well... beautiful if you are a smithy!

I can picture it now, the first moogle arrives in the jungle with his message for the smithy, adventurers look on with disbelief at a moogle actually working!

Adventurer 1: Holy Sh!t the little tards can actually move!

Prompty followed by a brutal and messy stabbing by the smithy, kupo's fill the air in a bloodcurdling scream, fur is ripped, blood is spilled, wings are barbacued and smithy has another moogle skin for collection!

The only thing i cant work out is with all this moogle farming how the return message ever got sent??
The only thing i could think of was possibly using the kazam nomand moogle and some kind of canon?
?? do moogles respawn ??

6:32 AM  
Blogger Ms. "Put It Anywhere You Want" said...

Oh Smitty, you crack me up.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Sol-rak said...


I really want to see GMDAVE in one of your adventures.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Tigerlily said...

Uh oh, Goblin Smithy has not posted for a few days. Could it possibly be he went into another Dynamis and it did a little more than weld his subligar to his torso from 36x Firaga III?

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smithy, It's Saturday now and there's no update yet. ; ; I miss you! >.>

2:43 PM  

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