Monday, June 19, 2006

Mobucon 2006

Alternate Title: "Smithy Cons IT++"

It's that time of year again.

You could practically smell the unwashed masses sat at home preparing their cosplay gear.

That's right. It time for MOBUCON 2006!!!

When I arrived at the convention centre this morning, I was pleased to see that so many people were attending.

To be honest, I didn't expect many people to show up.

Last year's convention went slightly awry when a group of Adventurer Black Mages crashed the party and started casting Thundaga III on the crowds.

At first people thought it was just a bunch of Yagudos LARPing, but then the smell of burnt flesh hit the air and it was sheer anarchy.

I barely had time to loot a few Evangelion boxed sets.

This year was different though. We had Absolute Virtue at the front gate working security.

And no Wall of Justice around either, you cheap bitches.

A few Black Mages tried hiding behind the Dairy Queen next door.

We had some ice cream after Virtue gutted the little bastards.

So, I walk into the main hall of the convention centre and I'm absolutely blown away.

There are booths as far as the draw distance can see.

Off to one side, there's a Qiqirn from the Near East selling Pocky. Also, what appears to be the roasted corpse of a Taru.

Damn, I love Pocky.

Then there's the Adventurer Headgear booth where you can purchase a special Helm made from any species of Adventurer.

There's nothing as cute as a Mandragora wearing a Mithra Headgear.

Just down the main thoroughfare is a huge booth selling a variety of T-shirts.

My favorites are the "Provoke" shirt and the "Choo Choo, Bitches" goblin train shirt.

Also available in baby T sizes for the ladies.

Or Triple-X Ugly for Gigas.

Then I see some little punk bastard selling bootleg copies of a new Anime movie.

What is wrong with people? How could someone actually copy such important art and then sell it on the street like common trash? It's just revolting.

I could barely contain my disgust as I picked up a few copies.

I'm just starting to get into the whole CON thing, when I am affronted by the most disgusting thing I have ever seen: Sailor Moon.

That is to say a Qutrub wearing a homemade Sailor Moon costume complete with Magic Wand and life like sweat stains.

GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
SailorUgly>> I'm cosplaying.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You're disgusting.
SailorUgly>> You just don't understand Anime.
GoblinSmithy>> What's to understand?
GoblinSmithy>> You make me wish I had eye cancer.
SailorUgly>> Shut up.
SailorUgly>> I made this costume myself.
GoblinSmithy>> It must have taken you a long time.
GoblinSmithy>> So long that you didn't get time for a shower.
SailorUgly>> What's that supposed to mean?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> I couldn't hear you over the smell.
SailorUgly>> You're an ass.
Goblinsmithy>> You smell like ass.
SailorUgly>> YOU BASTARD!
SailorUgly>> You're going to pay for that!
GoblinSmithy>> Wow. I'm really scared.
SailorUgly>> I stand for love...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord.
SailorUgly>> And I also stand for justice...
GoblinSmithy>> Could we hurry this up?
GoblinSmithy>> I've got to burn this image out of my brain.
SailorUgly>> And in the name of the Moon...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't blame this on the moon.
GoblinSmithy>> Blame spandex.
Sailor Ugly>> I WILL PUNISH YOU!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you is punishment enough.
GoblinSmithy>> The smell should be considered a war crime.

And then that freak hit me.

In the head.

With a plastic wand.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
SailorUgly>> Taste Moon Justice!
Goblinsmithy>> That's it?
GoblinSmithy>> The smell did more damage than that.
SailorUgly>> OH YEAH?!
GoblinSmithy>> Wow. Nice comeback.
GoblinSmithy>> Ouch.
SailorUgly>> We'll end you now!
GoblinSmithy>> This is just getting...


Did he just say we?

SailorUgly2>> Sailor Venus!
SailorUgly3>> Sailor Mercury!
SailorUgly4>> Sailor Mars!
SailorUgly5>> Sailor Jupiter!
GoblinSmithy>> Could someone stop society please?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to get off now.

They swarmed me like a pack of dogs.

Like a pack of sweaty, ugly dogs wrapped in spandex.

I was sure it was the end.

SailorUgly>> WAIT!!!
SailorUgly>> LOOK!!! IT'S TUXEDO MASK!!!

Out of nowhere, someone in a tuxedo and cape leapt in front of me, protecting me from their revolting horde.

TuxedoMask>> Don't worry, Sailors.
TuxedoMask>> I'll handle this monster.
SailorUgly>> Oh thank you, Tuxedo Mask.

Ugly times five turned and walked away.

Must be time to head back to their parent's basements.

Unsure of what to do, I picked myself up and prepared myself to fight this Tuxedo Moron.

TuxedoMask>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't tell me.
TuxedoMask>> Hey look!
TuxedoMask>> A path!
GoblinSmithy>> Someone kill me please.


Blogger Val said...

GoblinSmithy>> Could someone stop society please?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to get off now.


Those kind of situations are the reason I stay away from cons.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Willriker said...

hahhaa, i dont care who you are, that was funny shit right there

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOLOL oh God! (needs CPR)

4:15 PM  
Blogger ladypoetess said...

Oh, man - that's just great. I love Sailor Moon cosplayers - they are either extremely good, or suck so badly they are only good for entertainment value, rarely any middle ground.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Arwenne said...

I was laughing hysterically as quietly as I could until Pathfinder showed up. At that point the funny overpowered my brain so badly I didn't care how many bosses heard me. O_O

6:04 PM  
Blogger Kumaren said...

I can't stop laughing

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Nazna said...

GoblinSmithy>> Could someone stop society please?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to get off now.

You finally put into words how I feel every day...

/hug Smitty

7:14 PM  
Blogger mosca do ecrâ said...

TuxedoMask>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't tell me.
TuxedoMask>> Hey look!
TuxedoMask>> A path!
GoblinSmithy>> Someone kill me please.

brilliant, i mean for a goblin you're a genius

6:43 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

Smithy you are simply a legend. :)

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate cosplay, cosplayers, and the whole disgusting subculture.

There's tasteful dress-up, and then there's ugly chicks (or Goddess forbid, ugly guys) dressed up in things they have no business wearing, melting the eyes of those who wish only to keep their lunches from escaping the way it went in.

For the sake of everything holy, if you're going to cosplay, make sure you have the body or face for it, and save us all.

Well done, Smithy.

7:54 AM  
Blogger Thistle said...

Ha! Pathfinder saved you again, Smithy! You really should be nicer to him! :D

11:23 AM  
Blogger Sphene the Paladin said...

oh my god smithy! thats so awsome.

1:15 PM  
Blogger sngirl said...

Oh my gosh, I think I'm having trouble breathing while trying not to let the whole office hear me laughing hysterically.

Makes me wish I did pick up that Goblin Weaver plushie at AnimeNext last weekend. I got the chocobo instead. >.> They're great... roasted on a stick. :D

3:55 PM  

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