Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A Pathfinder's Life - Vol. 3

After the incident with the Kraken, I was pretty much done with Pathfinder.

You really don't want to hang out with a guy who gets you savagely murdered three times in one night.

Unfortunately, he didn't seem to get the message.

So, given the situation, I could either:

a) sit him down and have a long discussion about our relationship during which I explain that this friendship cannot continue

b) stab that bastard in the eye

And since I was neither a woman nor retarded, I opted for the eye stabbing.

I do so love the eye stabbing.

So, I decided to invite good old Pathfinder to a Ballista match.

A sport that involves stabbing people to death for points.

There is a Santa Claus.

We're about to start up a match when he tells me he doesn't have a Ballista License.

DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!

I don't deal well with waiting. I'm more of an instant gratification kind of guy.

Sigh.

To facilitate the face stabbing, I decided to help him get his license.

So, we're stuck running all over the globe talking to the leaders of the three nations.

What?

No, not those stupid adventurer nations.

We went to the real three nations, bitches. Davoi, Oztroja, and Beadeaux.

Beastmen, represent.

First, we head off to Davoi. Given how retarded the Orcs usually are, we figured this would be the easiest.

We were wrong.

OverlordBakgodek>> What do you bitches want?
GoblinSmithy>> He needs a Ballista licence.
OverlordBakgodek>> Well, why didn't you say so?
OverlordBakgodek>> Let me just pull one out of my ass.
GoblinPathfinder>> Could we just get a photocopy?
GoblinPathfinder>> That ass thing sounds kind of gross.
OverlordBakgodek>> ...
OverlordBakgodek>> Kind of dumb, isn't he?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> Except replace "kind of" with "super".
GoblinSmithy>> And "dumb" with "retarded".
OverlordBakgodek>> I'm feelin' ya.
OverlordBakgodek>> I'll give you the license.
GoblinSmithy>> Cool.
OverlordBakgodek>> But there is a small fee.
OverlordBakgodek>> A small 200, 000 gil fee.
GoblinSmithy>> 200, 000?!
GoblinSmithy>> ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING?!
OverlordBakgodek>> Do you think this gold hat was free?
OverlordBakgodek>> This bling costs money, bitch.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an asshole.
OverlordBakgodek>> We do have an alternate payment plan.
OverlordBakgodek>> It involves 100 orcs killing you.
GoblinSmithy>> You know, 200, 000 seems very reasonable.
OverlordBakgodek>> I thought it might.

The other two nations were just as bad. Each one had some damned wannabe god who made us pay 200, 000 gil for a license.

But it'd be worth it.

I'm going to kill Pathfinder so many times, he'll HP into FFXII.

So, we get his license and head to the nearest Beastmen Ballista match.

We square off and the event is just about to start when...

GoblinPathfinder>> Good luck, Smitty.

Isn't that sweet?

How could I hurt a poor, innocent soul like him?

GoblinSmithy>> Try not to bleed on my shoes.

Apparently, quite easily.

Good thing I was born without a conscience.

Everything was perfect. The event was just about to start and Pathfinder just got distracted by something shiny.

This is too easy.

KingBehemoth starts casting Meteor on GoblinSmithy.

You've got to be kidding me.

KingBehemoth uses Meteor.
GoblinSmithy takes 15,973 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by KingBehemoth.

KingBehemoth>> Suck that, bitch!
GoblinPathfinder>> Ow, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> That looked like it hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinPathfinder>> You should put some ointment on that.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT THE HELL UP!

All that work and money to get killed.

Damn, I can get that shit for free.

Little did I know at the time, Pathfinder would forever be a source of constant and extreme pain.

Ain't life grand?

8 Comments:

Anonymous Fauxylady said...

Inital post! yay!. Anyways, having King behomoth on any side that isn't yours is cheating of course.

1:53 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

LOL i doubt King behomoth was on Pathfinders side, even he couldn't be that retarded! I rekon Smithy slept with the King's Sister! Wouldn't be supprised with Goblin Smithy(read:PIMP) on that one :)

Nice work smithy how about next time you just tamper with every bomb fuse in Pathfinder's pack :) /joy

5:30 AM  
Blogger Artos said...

You didn't try to kite King Behemoth?

Oh, well. There's always next match.

5:33 AM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

Awww poor Smithy!!!!

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Sexy mithra said...

Smithy You didn't happen to sleep with King Behomoth's sister as well did you?

11:56 AM  
Blogger Mute said...

Can't you just face stab him without going to a match? :p

12:58 PM  
Blogger Santa said...

maybe you slept with his daughter, Princess Behemoth

2:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neoark: my perfect plan to get rid of your friend, is sending him to noob beach Valkum Dune, either he get rid of noobs, or they get rid of him!

odd thf should have high evasion...

2:26 PM  

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