YOU BASTARDS!!!

No. Not you.

I mean whoever came up with this stupid chocobo raising crap.

I didn't want to do it in the first place. What in the hell would I need my own chocobo for?

Then the idea started to grow on me.

I fall in love with this cute, little yellow ball of feathers and what happens?

He falls into a coma.

Is this some kind of sick joke they're playing on me? What kind of messed up bastards would do this to someone?

Yeah, I stab people in the groin on a regular basis.

But this is just plain sick.

We were having a fine morning. Everything was great. Junior was rolling around playing with Mr. Beeington.

Well... What was left of Mr. Beeington.

Then suddenly, he just fell asleep.

Right away, I became very concerned.

GoblinSmithy>> Great... A narcoleptic chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Why did I get the broke one?
GoblinSmithy>> Should I try to wake him up...
GoblinSmithy>> Or should I plug in the deepfrier?
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> HE'S ALIVE!!!
GoblinSmithy>> No lunch, but still...
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> He's trying to say something.
GoblinSmithy>> What is it, boy?
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> Please, speak to me.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you trying to say?
Chocobo>> Kw...
Chocobo>> Kw...

Then his tiny body, still lost in a deep sleep, took a gigantic breath. His entire body seemed to inflate with life for just one second before expelling it in one, important word.

Chocobo>> Kweh.
GoblinSmithy>> Kweh?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't speak chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Where can I find someone who speaks chocobo?
GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I knew it was a mistake when I said it.
GoblinPathfinder>> What's wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Junior won't wake up.
GoblinSmithy>> He was just playing on the floor and...
GoblinPathfinder>> What was he playing with?
GoblinPathfinder>> What's that yellow and black striped thing?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... That...
GoblinSmithy>> That was Aldo's sister.
GoblinPathfinder>> I love that movie.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> How do I wake him up?
GoblinPathfinder>> Have you tried gently jostling him?
GoblinSmithy>> Let's try that.

*gentle jostling*

GoblinPathfinder>> What the hell are you doing?!
GoblinSmithy>> You said to jostle him.
GoblinPathfinder>> JOSTLE.
GoblinPathfinder>> Not drop kick into a wall.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> My bad.
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> Look!
GoblinSmithy>> What's he saying?
Chocobo>> Kweh.
GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GoblinSmithy>> What's he trying to say?
GoblinPathfinder>> He said...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah?
GoblinPathfinder>> He said "Don't eat me. I'm just napping."
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I wasn't going to eat him.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then why is your deepfrier plugged in?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Pathfinder. Want to play a game?
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you want to play?
GoblinSmithy>> How about "Stop, Drop, and Roll"?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know that game.
GoblinPathfinder>> How do you play?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I walk over here.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> And then you try to catch a pot of hot grease.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait... What?

*SPLASH*

GoblinPathfinder>> GUUURRAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops.
GoblinSmithy>> You lost.
GoblinPathfinder>> MY SKIN IS MELTING!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> Really don't like this game!!!

I think he was getting the hang of it by the end.

It didn't wake Junior, but damn if it didn't cheer me up.

The Proud Papa

Okay, I've been getting this one question over and over again all week. Here's your damned answer.

YES, I HAVE A FREAKIN' CHOCOBO!

I mean, you can't walk three feet in Vana'diel these days without tripping over a chocobo egg. I figured I'd give it a shot.

If everything works out, I'll have my very own chocobo to ride around on.

If not, I'll get a free lunch out of the deal.

Chocobo>> Kweh!
GoblinSmithy>> That's great.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, get in the frying pan.

But damn those little bastards are cute. I didn't think I'd actually like the thing, but now I'm following him around and playing with him.

Shut up. Do you know how stupid you'd feel if you got your ass kicked by a Goblin walking his baby chocobo?

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of walking my new baby through Yuhtunga Jungle. Next thing I know, Pathfinder is all over me.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> You got a pet!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh... Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's so cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's amazing.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's incredible.
GoblinPathfinder>> What is he?
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh...
GoblinSmithy>> He's a chocobo.
GoblinPathfinder>> What's his name?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know.
GoblinSmithy>> Who gives a damn?
GoblinSmithy>> It's just a stupid pet.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to give him a name.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> I'll name him Stay.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... That's a funny name.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait until I try to call him.
GoblinSmithy>> "Come here, Stay! Stay! Come here!"
GoblinSmithy>> He'll have an aneurysm.
GoblinPathfinder>> You can't do that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Name him something nice.
GoblinSmithy>> How about Ravion?
GoblinPathfinder>> Better.
GoblinPathfinder>> How'd you come up with it?
GoblinSmithy>> Well, I found the egg on a corpse.
GoblinSmithy>> The corpse's name was Ravion.
GoblinSmithy>> Made sense to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't like that idea either.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not taking this seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> It would be hard to.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty...
GoblinSmithy>> Fine, fine.
GoblinSmithy>> How about Junior?
GoblinPathfinder>> Aww...
GoblinPathfinder>> That's cute.
GoblinPathfinder>> But why Junior?
GoblinSmithy>> Well, we think the same way.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you mean?

That's when Junior attacked Pathfinder's face. He was screaming and squawking and flapping...

Junior was pretty excited, too.

I must admit, the little guy was really impressive. I mean, it doesn't take a lot to kill Pathfinder, but it was still amazing.

You haven't seen cute until you've seen your baby chocobo tear out someone's trachea.

Maybe I will keep him afterall.

Yes, I've Hit That

I'm not sure what people's fascination is with Mithras.

I'm really not.

Sure, they're hot cat women with athletic bodies. That's cool.

But do you know what? There are hot women women with athletic bodies, too.

So, if you are more attracted to hot cat women than you are hot women women, then I guess it's really not the woman part that floats your boat.

Congratulations. You want to have sex with animals.

Your parents must be so proud.

But what question do I get more than any other?

I almost disqualified this question as being too strange, but given the number of times I get asked, I thought it might help to get it out of the way.

Hey, Smithy. Have you ever gotten it on with a hot Mithra?

What kind of question is that? They're cat women. That's disgusting.

I mean what kind of sick freak wants to have sex with a cat woman?

Put your hands down.

Not that far down.

The very idea of having sex with a cat woman is just so terribly, terribly wrong.

But, yeah... I've totally hit that.

I mean, who hasn't had sex with a Mithra. They're not exactly the most "chaste" of races.

In case you're not good with the english, that means they are totally easy.

Those girls get around more than AOL CDs.

There are two types of people in the world:

1) people who've had sex with Mithras

2) Galkas.

I remember my first time with a Mithra...

Even if I started to forget, I could just watch the video.

I was in Ordelle Caves. It was Spring and love was in the air.

Wait... Did I say love?

I meant horniness. Horniness was in the air.

And that's when I saw her. She was a cute, blond Mithra Thief. She was wearing a subligar.

And her eyes... Her eyes...

I have no idea what her eyes looked like because they were nowhere near her breasts or ass.

I immediately started to "aggro", if you catch my drift.

Wink, wink.

Yeah, I was totally getting hot.

I ran up and kissed her. Then she was kissing me.

Then she was pulling my armor off.

Then she...

We don't really need to get into the details.

We had just finished when she asked me to reach over and grab her clothes off the floor.

And that's when I heard those four little words:

Mithra>> Sneak attack! Viper Bite!

That girl broke my heart.

Also, my right kidney.

What had happened? Our love was so beautiful, so pure.

What could have made her do this?

Mithra>> A Treasure Chest key!
Mithra>> Finally!!!

Yeah... I probably should have mentioned that Mithras are also complete bitches.

Am I Not Merciful?

Recently, someone sent me an e-mail asking if I have ever taken mercy on an adventurer.

I actually get asked this question a lot. I think people are just hoping there might be someway to avoid my wrath.

The truth is I have actually chosen to stop killing people before.

I know, I know. Smithy not killing someone?

But I had a good reason.

I'm not sure if you'd call it mercy.

There have been a few times where I've pitied someone so much that I stopped stabbing them.

And given my fondness for the stabbing arts, you can imagine how pitiful they'd have to be.

One morning, I was working in Sauromugue Champaign. This is actually one of the best spots to work because you hardly ever see anyone.

The only real drawback is the damned ugly Skinks. For those of you unfamiliar with the Skink, imagine crossing a very ugly ostrich with a very ugly lizard.

Yeah.

Anyway, I was on duty when this little Taru Summoner ran by me.

She was the definition of pitiful. Her gear was horribly underleveled and she had almost no +MP equipment.

As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she wasn't wearing pants.

Still, it is my job (read: pleasure) to educate (read: horribly murder) these silly, silly adventurers.

So, I run up behind her and start swinging my knife. I'm pulling out all of my best moves. I'm dodging and weaving, and my stabs were spot on.

I mean, if you're going to do something, do it right.

After a few swings, though, I noticed she wasn't really fighting back very much.

Actually... She wasn't fighting back at all.

She was just sitting there.

Crying.

GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you crying?
Taru>> ... No...
Taru>> *whimper*
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you crying?
Taru>> *sob*
Taru>> You're going to kill me.
GoblinSmithy>> True...
GoblinSmithy>> But is that really worth crying over?
GoblinSmithy>> You're a Taru.
GoblinSmithy>> It's not like you have a lot to live for.
Taru>> But I don't want to die.
Taru>> I'll lose my level.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Shit happens.
Taru>> *uncontrollable crying*
GoblinSmithy>> Okay, stop that.
GoblinSmithy>> Stop it.
GoblinSmithy>> KNOCK IT OFF!!!
Taru>> I *sob* can't help it.
Taru>> You're being *sob* so mean to me.
GoblinSmithy>> That's kind of my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Aggro, kill people, be hated.
GoblinSmithy>> That's basically my job description.
Taru>> That's it?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... They did require experience in cruelty.
GoblinSmithy>> Luckily, I used to be a teacher.
Taru>> Oh...
Taru>> But you don't mind being mean to people?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> It lets me be creative.
Taru>> That's nice...
Taru>> I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen... This isn't really a challenge.
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm getting kind of bored.
GoblinSmithy>> How about I just let you go?
Taru>> *sob*
Taru>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> You've kind of taken the fun out of it.
Taru>> Oh my goodness!
Taru>> THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Just get going already.
Taru>> This is amazing.
Taru>> I'm going to tell everyone about how nice you are.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What?
Taru>> No one is going to believe this.
Taru>> I'm going to tell everyone I know.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...

I really had no choice. I had to kill her.

Pity is all well and good, but I've got to think about my reputation.

I can't have people thinking I'm actually... nice.

Ugh... Just saying it makes me nauseous.

Wedded Bliss

Pathfinder and Lamia started their new life together this morning.

By lunch time, I'm pretty sure they were headed for the divorce lawyers.

I didn't attend the wedding. As I'm sure most of you remember, I wasn't invited to the wedding.

That, of course, didn't mean I wasn't invited (read: didn't invite myself) to the reception.

The party seemed really nice.

Pathfinder's family was all crowded on one side of the room. His mom was hugging and kissing him, he dad shaking his hand.

Then there was the bride's family. She didn't really have anyone there. I think she had to invite her undead horde just to fill up some seats.

Kind of hard to have an extended family when your mom's a test tube and you're being created in a lab.

Or so I've heard.

Unfortunately, Lamia started to get very angry about being left out.

Damned emo snake girls.

But I couldn't let them ruin their wedding night.

I decided that this would be the perfect time to reveal my second true passion.

ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!!!

I managed to sneak up on stage with minimal effort (read: I groin stabbed dozens of people) and then grabbed a guitar.

The next twenty minutes were a blur. I remember people screaming. I remember one girl threw her panties up on stage.

Okay... It may have been a boomerang, but the thought is still there.

I was on the third verse of "Bad Medicine", when Lamia picked me up by the throat and threatened to insert that microphone into a non-sanctioned storage space (ie. my ass).

Just a little while later, they piled onto their very own chocobo and headed off to their honeymoon.

The rest of us kept on going, drinking and partying. Everything was going great until I got a call from Pathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, Thank GOD!
GoblinSmithy>> What do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know what to do.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to help me.
GoblinSmithy>> Help you with what?
GoblinPathfinder>> She... She...
GoblinSmithy>> She hit you?
GoblinSmithy>> She left you?
GoblinSmithy>> She's really a he?
GoblinPathfinder>> No. Nothing like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> But she...
GoblinSmithy>> Just spit it out, boy!
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... And?
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me in my naughty place.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You make me want to hurt people.
GoblinPathfinder>> She's not allowed to do that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I remember when they told us that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Noone is supposed to touch your naughty places.
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> That was a video for health class.
GoblinSmithy>> And we were seven!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You mean it's okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> It's okay.
GoblinSmithy>> She'll be disappointed, but it's too late for that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh... Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Can I ask you one more question?
GoblinSmithy>> I guess.
GoblinPathfinder>> We're on the groundfloor.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why does she keep asking me to go downstairs?

I guess we can't all be the perfect lover like myself.

Poor, poor Pathfinder.

Wait...

I mean poor, poor Lamia.

A Few Notes

Three matters to deal with:

1) Lack of Update Yesterday

Sorry there was no update yesterday. Between work, trying to find me a lady, and some semblance of a life, I've been burning myself out lately. I've actually started going narcoleptic at my desk, randomly falling asleep while typing.

I needed to take a night off and get some sleep. I still don't think I've had enough, but I feel a hell of a lot better. Needed to recharge my batteries.

As for the days without updates, unfortunately shit happens. I can't control getting Firaga III'ed or the resulting skin grafts.

Some days I'm so tired/annoyed that I can't think of anything funny to write. I've tried writing on these days and the feedback hasn't been great. It feels too forced.

Hopefully, these absences will be rare, but they are going to happen.

I'd like to invite all of my readers to send me any fan work/art that they like. Should a day come when I can't update, I'll at least try and put up some fun fan work.

Anyway, on to subject number 2...


2) August Fan Week

That's right, folks. It's fan week time again, that special time of the month where we all come together to celebrate your favorite goblin.

I have a few theme ideas for the week, but I wanted to know if you readers had certain things you'd like to know/hear about.

If there is anything you'd like to know/hear about, feel free to post it in the comments section of this post and I'll work it in as best I can.

Now, there are good ways to do this and bad ways.

Good Way: GoblinSmithy, have you ever wanted to take mercy on an adventurer?

See, that's good. It offers some room for discussion and is not strange.

Bad Way: GoblinSmithy, can we see pictures of your feet?

See, that's bad. It offers room for discussion, but room that no one really wants to go into. You are scary. Please discontinue breathing at your earliest convenience.

This is your opportunity to voice your opinions and see more of what you like.

I will probably ignore many of these opinions, but that's only because I ignore most people.

On to subject 3...


3) Fan Club pack

As most of you already know, anyone who donates $5 or more during the month becomes part of the GoblinSmithy fan club. All fan club members receive a free gift pack at the end of the month that includes some fun pictures, exclusive stories, and whatever else I think to include.

To make the pack even more palatable, I'd like to hear your suggestions about what else to include. More stories? More Pathfinder stories? Just let me know.

Also, if you submit fan work/art, it can be included in the fan pack to be appreciated by other readers.

That's everything, folks. I'll be back later this evening with an actual update.

Thanks, But No Thanks

You've often heard me complaining about how other monsters get all the attention.

Argus with that stupid charm. Lizzy with her damned boots.

Honestly, I really hated those bastards. They get all the attention, while I'm stuck in the jungle getting stabbed by morons. It was unfair.

I was angry.

I was outraged.

I was too stupid to keep my mouth shut.

Apparently, one day after work, I may or may not have made a few comments to a manager while drinking.

Drinking a lot.

That mistake would come back to bie me in the ass.

I was on my way to work in Shakrami when I get called to a manager's office.

Right away, I know something is wrong.

Manager>> Hello, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> I know what this is about.
GoblinSmithy>> That jerk reported me for sexual harassment.
Manager>> No, no.
Manager>> That's not wh...
GoblinSmithy>> HE kissed ME.
GoblinSmithy>> I was drunk.
Manager>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> And there may have been some touching.
Manager>> Stop talking, please.
Manager>> We called you in to offer you a promotion.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn straight.
GoblinSmithy>> What's my new title?
Manager>> Well... You don't exactly get a new title.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Well, that sucks.
GoblinSmithy>> At least I'm getting a raise.
Manager>> Uhh...
Manager>> Not quite.
GoblinSmithy>> Then why am I here?
Manager>> You know how you've always said you wanted a good drop?
GoblinSmithy>> Sort of.
Manager>> We've decided to make you an NM.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?!
GoblinSmithy>> That's pretty cool.
GoblinSmithy>> What am I going to be dropping?
Manager>> This...
GoblinSmithy>> Why is it in such a large box?
Manager>> It is the box, silly.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you kidding me?!
GoblinSmithy>> That thing is bigger than me.
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, it's bigger than my ex-wife.
Manager>> It's a new piece of furniture.
GoblinSmithy>> You're freaking crazy.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not carrying that.
Manager>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> I'll give myself a hernia.
GoblinSmithy>> They wouldn't have to kill me for it.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll just give it to them.
Manager>> You can't do that, Smithy.
Manager>> You signed a contract.
Manager>> In blood.
GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk, tsk. Silly, silly man.
GoblinSmithy>> That wasn't my signature.
GoblinSmithy>> That wasn't even my blood.
Manager>> You're going to drop the damned item.
Manager>> Do you understand me?
GoblinSmithy>> Fine...
GoblinSmithy>> Let me pick it up.
Manager>> See?
Manager>> It's not so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey. You're right.
GoblinSmithy>> By the way, do you enjoy irony?
Manager>> Of course I do.

And that's when I dropped the item.

On him.

It was so cute watching his little legs (or what was left of them) kicking and twitching.

Besides, Smithy doesn't need a fancy item to feel like a big man.

That's what the sword is for.

Where The Hell Is Everyone?

What the hell happened?

I head off to work this morning and don't run into a single adventurer. This is strange, but not impossible.

Then, I finally make it to the jungle, and guess what.

Nobody there either.

What's going on? Where is everyone?

Did they shut off the game and forget to tell me or something?

I'm standing there scatching my head, trying to figure out what's going on, when a player runs right in front of me.

Aggro time, baby.

So, I start chasing him through the Jungle. I'm swinging my sword as I run and this boy is taking a beating.

But this bastard doesn't even turn around. He just keeps running.

How rude? The least he could do is humor me and pretend to be interested.

Eventually, we hit the zoneline and, even though I landed a really nice shot to the base of his spine, he survived.

Oh, well. It happens to the best of us.

I'm trudging back to my spawn point when another adventurer runs past me.

He doesn't even slow down. If I didn't know better, I'd assume I was invisible

Why the hell aren't people sticking around for their free throat stabbings?

By this time, I'm really pissed off. I haven't gotten to kill a single person today and the only adventurers I see are heading to the nearest zoneline.

Suddenly, my cell phone goes off. Seems they're having some trouble at headquarters and they had to recall me to help.

Money's money, so I book it over to headquarters. There's Goblins and Orcs and Quadavs everywhere. They're running around with box after box, and everyone looks stressed to the limit.

This must be big.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, man.
GoblinSmithy>> What's going on?
GoblinSmithy>> Are we finally going to war?
BronzeQuadav>> No, no, no.
BronzeQuadav>> We're moving boxes.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> And why exactly?
BronzeQuadav>> Apparently, they're running low on Chocobo eggs.
BronzeQuadav>> We've been recalled to help deliver them.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you freakin' kidding me?!
GoblinSmithy>> They expect me to deliver eggs?
GoblinSmithy>> Do I look like the freakin' Easter bunny?
BronzeQuadav>> It's not like you're doing anything else.
BronzeQuadav>> All of the adventurers are busy raising their own chocobos.
BronzeQuadav>> We might as well do some work, right?
GoblinSmithy>> That's retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> They realize you can rent chocobos in the major towns, don't they?
BronzeQuadav>> Yeah, but they all want their own.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
BronzeQuadav>> Look on the bright side.
BronzeQuadav>> At least they're not singing "Gotta catch'em all..."
GoblinSmithy>> This is ridiculous
GoblinSmithy>> This ain't Pimp My Chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Damned retarded adventurers.

So, I spend EIGHT HOURS moving box after box after box of Chocobo eggs.

EIGHT HOURS!

No maiming. No killing.

It was disgusting.

Still... I made the best of a bad situation.

First, I made myself an omelette.

Second, nothing says funny like lobbing a few Gobbie bombs in a box of eggs.

My favourite was the Taru who grabbed his egg and sat on it as a joke.

Last time we checked, he was just passing Saturn.

This had better not last long. I mean, I'm sure it's nice and relaxing for you guys to spend all day housebreaking your pet ostriches, but some of us have shit to do.

Your torso isn't going to stab itself, you know.

Please, for my sake, put down the stupid eggs and get back to partying.

Remember: a sword is a terrible thing to waste.

Awkward Silences

Apparently, having a bachelor party on the weekend is a really good way to complete mess up your Monday.

Yeah.

See, it's kind of hard to work next to a person after you see them in bed with their pet bee. I don't care how much you had to drink, that shit is messed up.

I really don't feel like chatting with someone after that kind of mental trauma.

There's no way I could talk to him. I already knew how the conversation would go. I kept running it over and over in my head.

I'd try to be subtle, but it would fail.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nice day, isn't it?
GoblinSmithy>> YOU F*&%ED YOUR BEE!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU SICK BASTARD!

See? I totally tried there.

What more can you expect from me?

And before you start thinking how much fun that would be, try thinking of the big picture.

I might need to use that boy as a meat shield some day.

I decided that the only course of action would be to hide out for a few days. If I didn't see Pathfinder, it might all blow over.

Plus, I wouldn't have to put up with him for a few days. Bonus.

So, I went out of my way to hide from him. I found the most isolated cave in Yhoator Jungle. With any luck, he'd never find me.

Of course, with my luck, he found me in just under two minutes.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did you have fun at the...
GoblinSmithy>> NOT LISTENING!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
GoblinPathfinder>> Why are you yelling?
GoblinSmithy>> I'M NOT YELLING!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU'RE WHISPERING!
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh...
GoblinPathfinder>> HEYA, SMITTY!
GoblinPathfinder>> DID YOU HAVE FUN AT THE...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh dammit.
GoblinSmithy>> Would you shut the hell up?
GoblinPathfinder>> WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not whis...
GoblinSmithy>> I have a headache.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping it's a tumor.
GoblinPathfinder>> Gee...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'd better whisper, too, then.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh. Joy.
GoblinPathfinder>> What happened at the party after?
GoblinPathfinder>> I think I passed out.
GoblinSmithy>> I think you became a Queen bee.
GoblinPathfinder>> A what?
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't say anything.
GoblinSmithy>> You said something.
GoblinPathfinder>> I did?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> You said you had to go.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, I didn't.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... I think...
GoblinPathfinder>> Nope. Definitely didn't say it.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you forgot because you were in such a rush to go.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I don't have to go anywhere.
GoblinSmithy>> Then why did you say it?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm lost.

Perfect.

GoblinSmithy>> Nice seeing you.
GoblinSmithy>> You'd better get going.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Yeah... I guess...
GoblinPathfinder>> Wish I knew where I was rushing to.
GoblinSmithy>> No time for that.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's get you on the road.

Wow. Really didn't think that would work.

Well... At least I have a little less to worry about.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> Where's Pathfinder going in such a hurry?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you talking to me?
GoblinShaman>> We're friends.
GoblinSmithy>> Not after what you tried at the party.
GoblinShaman>> Why?
GoblinShaman>> What did I do at the party?
GoblinSmithy>> Let's just say Firaga wasn't the only thing flaming that night.
GoblinSmithy>> Catch my drift?

Note to self: Next time you have a party, don't invite anyone from work.

Also, never have parties.

We don't like people.

Hangover

Guh.

I don't exactly remember last night.

I remember yesterday evening very, very clearly. We were getting ready for Pathfinder's bachelor party.

All the boys were there. Shaman, a few Orcs, some Quadavs.

We even invited a couple of Yagudo.

And you don't want to see those guys drunk. They just keep crossing the road and laughing hysterically.

I also remember there was a great deal of alcohol involved. I'm not exactly sure how much, but it did take two airships to deliver it all.

So, we started drinking early. Very early.

I'm not going to say how much I drank, but those Quadavs started to look real good. They may or may not have been girls.

That's when my memory starts to go in and out.

At one point, I woke up in bed with two naked Mithras and a Taru chick in nothing but a Red Mage AF hat.

Now, the Mithras were nice, but that Taru, she was freaking amazing. She did this one thing... I won't explain it, but let's just say there was spinning involved.

Have you ever seen that trick where a bastketball player will spin a ball on his finger?

Think about that.

Yeah.

When I woke up this morning, I had a killer hangover.

Literally.

It hurt so bad, I killed a party of adventurers just for talking.

That's when I saw Pathfinder.

In bed.

With Mr. Beeington.

I have decided not to ask any questions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find that Taru girl.

An Offer I Couldn't Refuse

I was still pretty pissed off at Pathfinder for asking me to be his flower boy. He must have known how mad I was because he was going out of his way to avoid me.

Every cloud doeshave a silver lining.

I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle and was just starting to enjoy his conspicuous absence when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

Hmm... Nothing there.

Wait... There it is again...

Looked like someone ducked behind that tree when I was turning.

GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> You can come out now.
GoblinPathfinder>> There's nobody here.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup. Positive.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nobody here but us trees.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I ask you a question, Pathfinder?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean... Who's Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Nice save.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean...
GoblinPathfinder>> Uhh...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm a tree.
GoblinSmithy>> That's nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey! Look!
GoblinSmithy>> A PATH!
GoblinPathfinder>> WHERE?!
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted to ask you a favor?
GoblinSmithy>> Unless it involves a spontaneous tracheotomy...
GoblinSmithy>> Go jump up your own ass.
GoblinPathfinder>> That would hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> You're not as incredibly dumb as you look.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> How about you get the hell away from me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Could you just listen for a second?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted to ask you...
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops!
GoblinSmithy>> Time's up!
GoblinSmithy>> This was fun. We should not do this more often.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I just wanted to ask you...
GoblinSmithy>> Not listening.
GoblinPathfinder>> To organize my bachelor party.
GoblinSmithy>> ...

My brain suddenly caught fire, set ablaze with images of drunk killing sprees and topless Mithra dancers.

We could find a fat taru, stuff his clothes with candy, and then beat him like a pinata.

WE COULD BURN YHOATOR TO THE GROUND!!!

There was just too many wonderful, beautiful things we could do. And it was all in my hands.

Muwahahahahaha!

GoblinPathfinder>> I guess you don't want to help.
GoblinPathfinder>> Maybe Shaman will want...
GoblinSmithy>> I'LL DO IT!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?!
GoblinPathfinder>> That's great.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got lots of ideas.
GoblinSmithy>> We may even survive some of them.
GoblinPathfinder>> No strippers though.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I had a bad experience with strippers once.
GoblinPathfinder>> I went to a club and... and...
GoblinPathfinder>> They just surrounded me, all over me...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> That sounds terrible.
GoblinPathfinder>> You don't understand.
GoblinPathfinder>> Those women were big and hairy and ugly.
GoblinPathfinder>> Damned Galka strippers.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say Galka strippers?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Those ladies were all over me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> I have to tell you something funny.

Seems poor Pathfinder didn't know that there are no Galka women.

Last time I checked, he was still washing himself in a lake.

Don't worry, though. I'll make it up to him with the greatest bachelor party of all time.

Hell... I may even invite him.

Smithy's A Star

To make up for yesterday's lack of update, here are two fun Goblin-related videos people have made.

First, a tribute to me. Because I rule.

Video 1 - A Day In The Life Of A Goblin (by Laoiyah)



Second, the story of Pathfinder's first girlfriend.

Video 2 - The Taru And The Goblin (by Essorance)



Enjoy.

Technical Difficulties

Okay... Nothing really technical.

I feel like crap tonight. I think I'm coming down with something.

Thus, no update tonight. Sorry, but a sick Goblin's got to do what a sick Goblin's got to do.

Ugh... Kill me.

Bling Bling

I was looking at my gear this morning and, honestly, I was not happy with what I saw.

Everything was either chipped or broken.

It was embarassing.

That's when I decided that something had to be done. I needed some nice, new gear. Something that looked damn good.

Sure, stats are important, too. But let's keep our priorities straight.

I need to look nice for the ladies.

So, I headed over to the nearest Auction House and tried to figure out what gear I'd like to have at my level.

Those Gigas Bracelets looked nice.

Unfortunately, they were a little out of my price range. They were going for roughly 15, ooo gil which was just a little bit more than the two gil I had.

Wait... Three gil.

I started searching through my pockets for some cash (and looking around for a rich Adventurer in need of a good mugging), when Shaman walks up.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> What are you up to?
GoblinSmithy>> Window shopping.
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> That's what you call it when you have no money.
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinShaman>> I wouldn't know anything about that.
GoblinShaman>> I'm a Black Mage.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinShaman>> Suck on it.
GoblinShaman>> What are you trying to buy anyway?
GoblinSmithy>> Gigas Bracelets.
GoblinShaman>> To match your socks?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinShaman>> What?
GoblinShaman>> They're nice socks.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinShaman>> You know, we could just go get you a pair.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinShaman>> They drop off Gigas.
GoblinShaman>> You know... When you kill them.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you suggesting we kill Gigas?
GoblinShaman>> I'm sorry.
GoblinShaman>> Does that bother you?
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, no.
GoblinSmithy>> I was looking for a new hobby anyway.

So, we headed off to Delkfutt's Tower.

Before we even entered the damned place, I did a quick search.

No rangers. Good.

We then spent the next few hours walking around killing Gigas. It was a little hard because I knew a lot of those guys from company picnics and stuff.

But like they say, you can't make an omelette without killing a few Gigas.

We'd walk up, say Hi, chat a bit, and then light them bitches up.

GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Fred.
GoblinSmithy>> How's the wife?
Fred>> She's good.
GoblinSmithy>> And the kids?
Fred>> Good.
Fred>> Stephanie is already killing people in Qufim.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, that's nice.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire III on Fred.

GoblinSmithy>> Say hi to your wife for me.

Damn, though. We couldn't get a damned drop to save a Gigas life.

Hours came and went, Gigas dying left and right. But no bracelets.

I'd have been upset if it wasn't so much fun.

Then, just when I was losing all hope...

You find a pair of Gigas Bracelets on the Epialtes.

GoblinSmithy>> WOOT!
GoblinSmithy>> FINALLY!
GoblinShaman>> So...
GoblinShaman>> Should we lot for them?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> They're mine.
GoblinShaman>> I was here, too, you know.
GoblinShaman>> I deserve them just as much as you do.
GoblinSmithy>> You can't even wear them.
GoblinSmithy>> You're a Black Mage.
GoblinShaman>> I could still sell them.
GoblinSmithy>> This is freakin' ridiculous.
GoblinSmithy>> Why should you get them?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me one reason.

GoblinShaman starts casting Warp II on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> So, we'll just lot then?
GoblinShaman>> Umm...
GoblinShaman>> How about no?
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

That bastard stole my bracelets.

Note to self: save up money, buy new weapon, ventilate Shaman's torso.

Damned Black Mages.

Going To The Chapel...

Calm down, calm down. I'm not getting married.

Oh, hell no. I jumped on that grenade once already.

Never again.

No, it seems Pathfinder is going to make an honest woman... snake... snake-woman out of that Lamia.

It's just like my grandfather used to say: "If you have sex with some snake woman hybrid created in a lab by scientists, eventually, you're going to have to marry her."

I didn't think that saying made much sense, but damn if it doesn't fit the situation.

Today I was running a few errands through Rolanberry Fields when Pathfinder comes running up to me. He was huffing and puffing, and looked exhausted.

So, I took off running.

Unfortunately, I tripped over a Taru Red Mage and he managed to catch up with me.

Note to self: The Tarus must pay.

Anyway, Pathfinder managed to catch his breath (sadly) and I was forced to deal with him.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Didn't you see me wave?
GoblinSmithy>> Did you wave?
GoblinSmithy>> Must have missed it.
GoblinPathfinder>> I yelled your name.
GoblinSmithy>> Didn't hear you.
GoblinPathfinder>> But you gave me the finger.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm getting married.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh. Okay then. How do you want to do this?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want me to stab you?
GoblinSmithy>> Or do you just want to run onto the blade?
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't want to die.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinSmithy>> It's a lot faster.
GoblinSmithy>> And a lot less painful.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm really looking forward to marriage.
GoblinSmithy>> So young, so naive.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't talk like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Marriage is a sacred union.
GoblinSmithy>> Marriage is why there's a waiting period to buy a gun.
GoblinPathfinder>> Quit kidding around.
GoblinPathfinder>> I chased you down to ask you something.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh Altana...
GoblinSmithy>> Here we go.
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted you to be part of the wedding.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen... I'm flattered. Really.
GoblinSmithy>> But I can't be your best man.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Uhh...
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not what I was asking.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mr. Beeington is my best man.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I can't be a groomsman, either.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> This is getting awkward.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not what I meant either.
GoblinSmithy>> Usher?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not quite.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Priest?
GoblinPathfinder>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn.
GoblinSmithy>> What's left?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well...
GoblinPathfinder>> We need someone to drop flowers in the aisle.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Flower girl?
GoblinSmithy>> FLOWER GIRL?!
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> You could be a Flower Boy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Or man.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's cool, right?
GoblinPathfinder>> Right?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to hurt me now, aren't you?

Well... at least he's learning.

I strangled him to death. He really left me no choice.

On the bright side, though, now they have their something blue.

Pathfinder Turns Over A New Leaf

Subtitle: And Finds More Stupid.

Pathfinder called me early this morning and begged me to meet him in Yhoator Jungle. He said it was an emergency, a matter of life and death.

I hoped he meant his, hung up the phone, and went back to bed.

But he called me again.

And again.

And again.

I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed a notepad, and make a To Do list.

Things To Do Today:

1) Write Blog Update

2) Vacuum

3) Murder Pathfinder

4) Buy Orange Juice

Still, I couldn't have him calling me all day, so I figured I'd head on over to Yhoator.

Might as well get started on that list.

So, I arrive in the Jungle and immediately pull out my sword.

I am nothing if not efficient.

And there's Pathfinder standing there all by himself. I'm going to shove this sword right through his robe.

Wait...

Why is Pathfinder wearing a robe?

GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, thank goodness you're here, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need your help.
GoblinSmithy>> Finally going for the assisted suicide?
GoblinSmithy>> Good choice.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, Silly.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to level White Mage.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I need some practice.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get this straight...
GoblinSmithy>> You want to practice on me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yes, Smitty. Yes, please.
GoblinSmithy>> I think I gave you brain damage or something.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean more so.
GoblinPathfinder>> This is important.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to get the hang of it.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, I'm going to let you practice on me.
GoblinSmithy>> Even though you're an idiot.
GoblinSmithy>> And you have no idea what you're doing.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a great idea!
GoblinPathfinder>> YAY!
GoblinPathfinder>> I knew you'd help me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> As you apparently don't understand sarcasm...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to walk away now.
GoblinPathfinder>> You can't go yet.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh right.
GoblinSmithy>> I forgot to murder you.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks for reminding me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Please, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Pretty pwease?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me one good reason why I should help you.
GoblinPathfinder>> White Mages don't get pets.
GoblinSmithy>> No Mr. Beeington?
GoblinPathfinder>> No Mr. Beeington.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's get to work, shall we?

We sat down and worked out a plan. I'd run into the middle of a party and start to murder them.

I liked this part of the plan.

As they did damage, Pathfinder would use his new White Magey powers to heal me.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

And since we were only fighting one party at a time, I should be pretty safe.

It sounded like the perfect plan.

This, of course, meant something had to go horribly wrong.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, I'm heading in.
GoblinSmithy>> Be ready with those cures.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, don't you worry.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm ready.
GoblinSmithy>> Here we go.

I rush in and start going to work. Things are going exactly as planned. They're dying and I'm taking just enough damage for Pathfinder to practice his cures.

GoblinSmithy>> Whenever you're ready.
GoblinPathfinder>> On it.

GoblinPathfinder Uses Benediction.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Crap.

I will give Pathfinder credit. He completely healed all of my current damage.

All 37 HP.

Good job.

Unfortunately, this victory was somewhat spoiled when every adventurer and monster in the area decided to come over and kick our asses.

As we lay there, my broken corpse still warm from the savage beating, I suggested that Pathfinder take up the Thief job.

Cause that bastard is going to need Flee when I respawn.

They All Come Crawling Back

I knew it. I just knew it.

No one can resist the Smithy charm.

I'm sure you all remember my ex-wife or, as I like to call her, "the face that beauty forgot".

You may also remember that the tramp left me for a Gigas.

Not the greatest day.

Well, everything changed yesterday. She came crawling and crying, begging me to take her back.

JACKPOT!

There is nothing as satisfying as seeing a woman who dumped you crying all over herself and begging for forgiveness.

Even stabbing Tarus doesn't feel that good and damn if I don't like knifing those midget bastards.

There I was in Yhoator Jungle, when she came up behind me.

ExMrsSmithy>> Guess who.
GoblinSmithy>> By the smell...
GoblinSmithy>> I'd guess a dead Marlboro.
ExMrsSmithy>> It's me, Silly. Your wife.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm back.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure it isn't a dead Marlboro?
GoblinSmithy>> I would so prefer that.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're still angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Me? Angry?
GoblinSmithy>> Why would I be angry?
ExMrsSmithy>> Well, because I left you for a Gigas.
ExMrsSmithy>> Because had a larger penis than you.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh! Don't forget that I stabbed you, too.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know what a rhetorical question is?
ExMrsSmithy>> No.
ExMrsSmithy>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Nevermind.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
ExMrsSmithy>> I want you to take me back.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. We're all out of forgiveness today.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I interest you in some go to hell?
ExMrsSmithy>> Honey...
GoblinSmithy>> It comes with your choice of kiss my ass.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please.
ExMrsSmithy>> I need you.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You need a good plastic surgeon.
ExMrsSmithy>> I was thinking of getting some work done.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't think "a little work" will help.
GoblinSmithy>> You need to tear that down and start over.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please, Smithy.
ExMrsSmithy>> Take me back.
ExMrsSmithy>> I love you.
GoblinSmithy>> That's funny.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you said you loved me.
GoblinSmithy>> And not you left me for a giant pile of ugly.
ExMrsSmithy>> It was a mistake.
ExMrsSmithy>> A big, big mistake.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but I think he learned his lesson.
ExMrsSmithy>> Come on.
ExMrsSmithy>> You know you want to take me back.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me wants to vomit at the thought.
GoblinSmithy>> Another part is wondering why I haven't stabbed you.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me is hungry.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know what you're hungry for.
ExMrsSmithy>> Wink, wink.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay, now all the parts want to throw up.
ExMrsSmithy>> Just one last time.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please...

How pathetic. Showing up and begging me to sleep with her.

I was so disgusted I could barely do it.

Five times.

When I woke up, I just kept staring at her.

Staring at her lying next to me.

You know... Cutting off your own arm isn't as bad as it sounds.

Walked A Mile In His Shoes

After yesterday, I realized what it's like to be Pathfinder.

The low IQ.

The random thoughts.

The strange fixation with paths.

I decided that I'd given him a pretty hard time that maybe he didn't deserve.

Now, I'm thinking I was either drunk or stoned, but at the time it made sense.

So, I called Pathfinder up and asked him to meet me.

He seemed a little suspicious when I was talking to him, but he was waiting in Yuhtunga when I arrived.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Pathfi...
GoblinPathfinder>> Stay right there!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell?
GoblinPathfinder>> Keep your hands where I can see them.
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong with you?
GoblinSmithy>> Were you dropped on your head as a child?
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Yes, actually.
GoblinPathfinder>> But show me your hands anyway.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to stab me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I know it.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I'm on to your little plan.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not going to stab you.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's exactly what you'd say...
GoblinPathfinder>> If you were going to stab me.
GoblinSmithy>> Or if I wasn't going to stab you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Or if you were.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord.
GoblinSmithy>> You're even more retarded than usual.
GoblinPathfinder>> More retarded than usual like a fox.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Listen very, very carefully.
GoblinSmithy>> I'M NOT GOING TO STAB YOU!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't believe you.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... everything up until this second.
GoblinSmithy>> ... Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I can understand that.
GoblinSmithy>> But I'm being honest.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know...
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you want anyway?
GoblinSmithy>> I want to apologize for treating you so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> You didn't deserve it.
GoblinPathfinder>> I didn't?
GoblinSmithy>> Trust me.
GoblinSmithy>> No one was more surprised than me.
GoblinPathfinder>> So, you're actually saying you're sorry?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay, what's going on?
GoblinPathfinder>> Is this a trick?
GoblinSmithy>> For the last time, NO.
GoblinSmithy>> It's not a trick.
GoblinSmithy>> Not.
GoblinSmithy>> Not a trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's what you'd say if it was a trick.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> It is a trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait...
GoblinPathfinder>> Does that mean it's a trick or not?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm lost.
GoblinSmithy>> It.
GoblinSmithy>> Is.
GoblinSmithy>> Not.
GoblinSmithy>> A.
GoblinSmithy>> Trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's what you'd say if it was...

I stabbed him. I didn't even know I was going to do it, but I stabbed him.

And it felt good.

I really had the best of intentions. I really, really did.

But I could only take so much.

Maybe it'll go smoother next time.

GoblinPathfinder>> I KNEW IT!

Or maybe I'll just skip the apology and go right to the stabbing.

Damn, I hate Pathfinder.

The Worst Day Of My Life

I thought that getting set on fire was bad enough.

I really did.

But actually having to live as Pathfinder... That shit is brutal.

It was like being very, very, very drunk. Minus the added courage and women being more attractive.

Basically, it was like having a lobotomy.

I had no idea what to do. I had a serious urge to stroke my bee.

And that's not a euphemism.

Having no other solution, I did the only thing I could.

I called Shaman.

It only took him about twenty minutes to meet me in Yhoator, but it felt like weeks. I just kept pacing back and forth, twitching, and trying not to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

I was lsoing it by the time he finally showed up.

GoblinShaman>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> In the jungle, the mighty jungle...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinShaman>> ... Okay then.
GoblinShaman>> Have you seen Smithy?
GoblinPathfinder>> It's me, Shaman.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm stuck in here.
GoblinShaman>> Smithy?
GoblinShaman>> Is that you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sadly, yes.
GoblinShaman>> Could you give me a second?

Five minutes later, he was still laughing.

GoblinPathfinder>> Can we move on?
GoblinShaman>> This is literally the greatest day ever.
GoblinShaman>> I'm going to die.
GoblinPathfinder>> Could you?
GoblinPathfinder>> That'd be super.
GoblinShaman>> That's you all right, Smithy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Are you sure you believe me?
GoblinPathfinder>> I could stab you a few times to help.
GoblinShaman>> No. I'm good.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey! Look!
GoblinPathfinder>> A path!
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!!!
GoblinShaman>> I've never been this happy before.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to fix this.
GoblinShaman>> How?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know.
GoblinPathfinder>> Do an exorcism or something.
GoblinShaman>> I don't think that will work.
GoblinPathfinder>> WELL DO SOMETHING!
GoblinPathfinder>> ANYTHING!
GoblinShaman>> Okay...
GoblinShaman>> I have one idea.
GoblinShaman>> It might hurt a bit.
GoblinPathfinder>> Of course it will.
GoblinPathfinder>> It'll be worth it.

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga III on GoblinPathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> NUUUUOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You'll hurt Mr. Beeington.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah...
GoblinPathfinder>> Just freakin' kill me.

I never actually thought Firaga III would feel nice.

I was right.

Luckily, when I respawned, my name was back to normal. Everything was back the way it was supposed to be.

I was me again.

GoblinSmithy>> In the jungle...
GoblinSmithy>> DAMMIT!!!

This Means War

So, I had just gotten my ass kicked by a GM.

Seriously. What the F#%&?!

I was just doing my damned job and then this bastard has to get up in my grill about it.

This son of a bitch had to pay.

Even your silly GMs are not above the judgment of Smithy.

I get ready to head over to Yhoator Jungle, when my supervisor walks up ot me. I could tell by the look on his face that this was not good news.

Well... I assumed it wasn't good news. My supervisor is a Golem and those guys always looked messed up.

Supervisor>> ...Uhh...
Supervisor>> Hey, Smithy.
Supervisor>> We need to talk.
GoblinSmithy>> What's up?
GoblinSmithy>> Did Pathfinder file a complaint?
GoblinSmithy>> I swear I didn't put that bomb in his locker.
Supervisor>> What bomb?
GoblinSmithy>> Who said bomb?
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't say bomb.
Supervisor>> Yeah...
Supervisor>> I can't let you go to work today.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> Am I getting promoted?
Supervisor>> Not exactly.
Supervisor>> It seems you've been banned.
GoblinSmithy>> WHAT?!
Supervisor>> I know, I know.
Supervisor>> But rules are rules.
GoblinSmithy>> This is a mistake.
Supervisor>> Probably, but you need to talk to the GM about it.
Supervisor>> He can remove the ban.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll "talk" to him.
Supervisor>> Smithy...
Supervisor>> You know I can see you, right?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
Supervisor>> You just did air quotes when you said talked.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be going now.

So, I place a GM call to this [GM]Dave guy and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I bet Argus doesn't have to wait.

About two hours later, he finally gets back to me.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Goblin.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, I've already banned you.
[GM]Dave>> I fail to see what else I can do for you.
GoblinSmithy>> You can unban me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Can you wait a second?
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm having a stroke.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you just asked me to unban you.
GoblinSmithy>> I did.
GoblinSmithy>> Unban me.
GoblinSmithy>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think you understand how this works.
[GM]Dave>> I ban you. You go away.
[GM]Dave>> This is not hard to follow.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen...
GoblinSmithy>> I can't go back to work until you unban me.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to unemployment.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not funny.
GoblinSmithy>> I have children to support.
[GM]Dave>> You have children?
GoblinSmithy>> Did I say children?
GoblinSmithy>> I meant hookers.
[GM]Dave>> And yet...
[GM]Dave>> I am unmoved.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't we find an alternative punishment?
GoblinSmithy>> Something less... oh, I don't know... banny?
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> Well... you do kill idiots...
[GM]Dave>> I have to respect that.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you might.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I think I can come up with another punishment.
GoblinSmithy>> Sweet.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't thank me yet.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean by that?

He didn't answer me after that.

But at least I wasn't banned anymore.

I logged in, expecting to see Mordion Gaol or Ifrit's Cauldron or something equally terrible.

But I was in Yhoator Jungle.

Huh...

Oh shit. I bet there's a dragon right behind me. I spin around and...

No dragon.

Just a bee.

That's it? Death by bee?

I'm disappointed.

But... the bee isn't attacking me.

He's following me.

Uh oh.

That's when I look up and see my name.

GOBLIN PATHFINDER.

I would have preferred the banning.

OH! A PATH!

If you'll excuse me, I need to go murder myself.

Back To My Roots

This morning, when I was getting ready to head over to Shakrami, one of my supervisors came over to me and asked me to fill in for someone.

I said sure and then asked who I'd be replacing.

A high level Hobgoblin?

A mission NM maybe?

The Shadow Lord?

Not quite. Apparently, a Goblin Fisher had called in sick and they needed someone to cover.

Not exactly a promotion, but I was still happy.

As many of you know, I started out as a Goblin Fisher in my earlier days. I spent day after day relaxing beside shimmering pools with my fishing rod in my hand.

It was a good life. Had things not turned out the way they did, I'd probably still be there.

So, I head over to West Ronfaure, make my way to a tiny pond, and start fishing.

Damn, I missed this.

Everything was going perfectly. There were no adventurers around to bother me and I was catching a load of fish.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice an Orcish Grappler.

And he's staring at me.

OrcishGrappler>> How's the fishing?

Okay, the last thing I need is to talk to some retarded orc.

I currently have neither:

a) the patience to deal with orc stupidity

b) a high enough level to grind him into a fine paste.

Seriously. Talking to an Orc is like slamming your head into a wall repeatedly.

Only less painful.

Here's a diagram of your average Orc.


So, to save myself the inevitable headache, I decided to ignore him.

OrcishGrappler>> Hello?
OrcishGrappler>> Are you there?

Just ignore him, Smithy.

Tomorrow, when you're level 30 again, you can come back and pull his spine out through his face.

For now, just ignore him.

OrcishGrappler>> Why won't you answer me?

Oh, great.

Now, he's annoying and whiny.

Just let it go, Smithy. He's not worth the trouble.

OrcishGrappler>> I knew it.
OrcishGrappler>> You're a fish botter.
OrcishGrappler>> People like you ruin the economy.

So, let me get this straight.

He knows that I'm a fish botter.

Just because I won't talk to him.

Apparently, not liking annoying morons plus fishing somehow equals fish botting.

But not only that. He knows I'm a fish botter, yet still proceeds to talk to me about being a fish botter.

That's even retarded for an orc.

OrcishGrappler>> I'm calling a GM.

I must have laughed for fiteen minutes at that one.

Imagine, getting a GM called on me because I'm ignoring an idiot.

As if anything was going to happen.

Then, about a half hour later, I'm reeling in this HUGE fish. I swear to Altana, I thought I had hooked a Goobue or something.

Then everything went dark.

When I opened my eyes, I was standing in the middle of Mordion Gaol.

And I'm staring face to face with a big, purple dragon.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh
GoblinSmithy>> Day
GoblinSmithy>> Yam

Jormungand hits GoblinSmithy for 14,006 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by Jormungand.

Now, what the hell was this crap?

Seriously. What kind of bastard would do something that freaking insane?

[GM]Dave>> Damned botters.

Beastmen Drama

Oh.

Dear.

Altana.

The Beastmen forces are on the virge of civil war. It will be Orc versus Yagudo, Sahagin versus Tonberry.

I hope the Goblins draw an easy opponent in the first round.

With my luck, we'll have to take on Demons or something.

Or the Gigas.

It all started yesterday. A bunch of us Goblins were preparing to take on Simurgh when, out of nowhere, a bunch of Quadavs showed up.

Right away, they started with the attitude. Something about Rolanberry Fields being their turf.

I had to remind them that we live there, too.

We went back and forth for a while, but slowly we came to a compromise. We told them that we were there first and they agreed to let us have claim, but if we wiped, they'd take it.

Honestly, we were a little surprised to see they were so understanding.

Then as soon as Simurgh pops, the Quadavs grab the claim and go to work on him.

Damned botters.

Now, we're absolutely pissed at this point, but we let it go and hope for them to wipe.

Suddenly, a group of Sahagins show up and try to steal Simurgh. They start pulling adventurers into the middle of their group, so the adventurers will kill them.

We watch this disgusting display of PMK (Player Monster Killing) and do the only noble thing.

We start spamming our claim macros just in case they wipe.

Claim starts jumping around. With all of the Beastmen spamming provoke and the Adventurers getting in the way, Simurgh was constantly going unclaimed.

So, it's a complete free for all. I just finish gutting a Quadav when I notice Simurgh only has a sliver of life left.

And he's unclaimed.

I try to hit my provoke macro, but before I can, some idiot Orc Farkiller sitting off to the side uses Eagle Eye Shot and kills Simurgh.

That was the last freaking straw. Everyone starts screaming about stealing, and PMKing, and the damned botters.

And the Orc Farkiller? I'm pretty sure half the Beastmen will have him blacklisted by morning.

Since then, it's been a constant battle between the beastmen forces. Every area has become a total warzone.

Apparently, "someone" set Davoi on fire. I have no idea who could have done such a thing.

It wasn't me.

Stop looking at me like that.

Anyway, I'm going to be keeping a low profile for the next couple of days. The last thing I need is to get my ass kicked by a bunch of monsters.

I get enough of that from the Adventurers.

Damned drama.

I am so going to make a post on Alla about this.

Manaburn RMTards

Okay, what the hell is wrong with these people?

Every now and then a horde of low level tarus run through the jungle and start casting black magic on anything they can find.

I mean what the hell?!

It's seriously depressing.

So, I'm on my usual shift in Yhoator Jungle and had just finished butchering a nice, normal party.

Then, off to the side, I see this ocean of tiny, pointed Taru heads surrounding a poor Mandragora. They were all casting Waterga at the same time.

The Mandy didn't have a chance. By the time the Mandragora was claimed, he was already dead.

Those little bastards.

Someone was going to have to teach them some manners.

Still, that many Tarus could cause a problem. They seem really weak, but enough of them could cause some serious damage.

But how can I be sure?

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.

At least he's got good timing.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder pal.
GoblinSmithy>> And how are you today?
GoblinPathfinder>> What's going on?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're never nice to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> You always say mean things.
GoblinSmithy>> Not always.
GoblinPathfinder>> You called my Mom on my birthday.
GoblinSmithy>> See?
GoblinSmithy>> That was nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> You said "It's all your fault, bitch."
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> That was funny.
GoblinPathfinder>> It was mean.
GoblinPathfinder>> And now you're being nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're up to something.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm insulted.
GoblinSmithy>> I try to be nice...
GoblinSmithy>> *sob*

And the Oscar goes to...

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm sorry, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> That was rude of me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm doing great today.
GoblinSmithy>> That's good.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, I need you to do me a favor.
GoblinPathfinder>> I knew it.
GoblinSmithy>> No, no.
GoblinSmithy>> It's a good thing.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm listening.
GoblinSmithy>> See those Tarus picking on those poor Mandies?
GoblinSmithy>> We should help them.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why would we help them kill Mandies?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Help the Mandies, Stupid.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh. I knew that.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's a good idea.
GoblinPathfinder>> How should we do it?
GoblinSmithy>> You go in first.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be right behind you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Got it.
GoblinPathfinder>> Let's do this thing.

I've got to hand it to him. Pathfinder didn't even flinch. One second we were talking and the next, he was running head long into their group screaming battle cries.

And, being a man of my word, I was right there behind him.

Far, far behind him.

Okay... so I didn't actually move.

You'll notice I said I'd be behind him. I never said I'd follow him.

It's all in the details, people.

He did admirably, I will admit. He managed to take down quite a few of them. Even his pet tiger did a great job.

In the end, though, they were just too much for him. He died with his weapon still in his hand.

A little tear fell from my eye.

Of course, that may have been from me laughing so damned hard.

Still, Pathfinder had done his job. He had taken out most of them. I could handle the rest.

I tore into their group and started stabbing. They started casting Waterga as fast as they could, but it was already too late.

One by one, they started dropping.

GoblinSmithy>> That'll teach you to adhere to the intended party strategy.

Only a few left and I've got almost half my life left. They make this shit just too damned easy.

WhiteMage1 starts casting Banish III on GoblinSmithy.

Dammit dammit dammit.

I always forget.

Send Pathfinder to die THEN check for a power leveler.

That White Mage beat the living shit out of me. Seriously, he beat me like slept with his wife or something.

And believe me I know what that feels like.

I hate people.

July Fan Pack

Oh, man. You people are going to love this.

Pathfinder has agreed to do a little write up about raising your own pets. It'll probably be written in crayon when I get it, but I'll type it up for you.

Anyway, the pack should be done tonight or, at the latest, tomorrow.

Genius takes time, people.

Trust me. You're going to like it.

Azimuth Circle II: The Bloodening

I like fireworks as much as the next guy.

Well... the next guy who gets burned horribly on a semi-regular basis.

But do we honestly need another event?

Seriously?

What exactly are you people celebrating anyway?

I'm sure there's a very logical reason the entire population of Vana'diel has gone retarded for goldfish and ugly pajamas, but I just don't get it.

I was doing a shift in Ordelles, when I noticed there was no one there.

Nobody.

Not even somebody doing the RSE quest I could stab right before they open the chest.

That shit cracks me up.

But standing in cold, dark, dank caves with no one around to stab is not as much fun as you would think.

Smithy got bored.

Then, Smithy got pissed off.

Fed up, I stomped out of the cave into La Theine Plateau.

And there were adventurers everywhere.

Fat ones. Ugly ones. Stupid ones.

And that was just the Galkas.

The weird part was, they weren't even doing anything. They just kept kneeling down and talking about yalms or something.

I'll never understand you people.

Finally, I just gave up and walked over to one of the adventurers to find out what the hell was going on.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is going on?

See?

GoblinSmithy>> What's with all the kneeling?
Player>> Hold on a second.
Player>> Hey, Pete!
Player>> 58 yalms!
Player>> Okay. What did you want again?
GoblinSmithy>> What are you guys doing?
Player>> It's a new event.
GoblinSmithy>> A new event?
GoblinSmithy>> The special olympics are in town?
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> It's part of the Summerbreeze festival.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> And what exactly is a yalm?
Player>> I don't have a sweet clue.
Player>> All I know is Pete has to find a spot and stand there.
GoblinSmithy>> Just stand there?
Player>> And then I find my spot using yalms.
GoblinSmithy>> That's the event?
Player>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> And you find none of this retarded?
GoblinSmithy>> Not at all?
Player>> You don't get it.
Player>> The yalms measure distance.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you even listening to yourself?
Player>> Shut up.
Player>> If we find the spots, we get free armor.
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> I guess that's kind of cool.
Player>> It's a level 1 Yukata that dispenses fireworks.
GoblinSmithy>> So...
GoblinSmithy>> You're spending hours trying to get this Yukata.
Player>> Pretty much.
GoblinSmithy>> You could farm enough to buy fireworks.
Player>> That wouldn't be as much fun.
GoblinSmithy>> You're standing in a field yelling about yams.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd hate to see "less fun".
Player>> Forget it.
Player>> Man, you Goblins are stupid.

See... you'd think he'd be smarter than that.

Pissing off a Goblin Smithy when he's capped at level 1.

He's a few yalms short of a yukata, if you know what I mean.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry, sir.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me help you find your spot.
Player>> I don't think that will work.
GoblinSmithy>> Sure it will.
GoblinSmithy>> 20 yalms.
Player>> I'll try, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Good, good. You're getting closer.
GoblinSmithy>> 15 yalms.
Player>> This way?
GoblinSmithy>> You're doing fine.
GoblinSmithy>> 8 yalms.
Player>> Are you sure?
Player>> It looks like I'm just walking toward you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... I'm sure.
GoblinSmithy>> 4 yalms.
Player>> So, it's right around here?
GoblinSmithy>> You did it!
GoblinSmithy>> Congratulations!
GoblinSmithy>> You won a special item!
Player>> A Yukata?
GoblinSmithy>> Better!
Player>> A Yukata+1?
GoblinSmithy>> Even better!
Player>> What is it?!
GoblinSmithy>> It's a SWORD!

And that's when I stabbed him in the stomach.

Now, he can feel the summer breeze through the hole in his abdomen.

Damned retarded adventurers. I just want to kill the lot of them.

Speaking of which...

GoblinSmithy>> Hey! Pete!
GoblinSmithy>> 20 yalms!