Saturday, August 26, 2006

Wedded Bliss

Pathfinder and Lamia started their new life together this morning.

By lunch time, I'm pretty sure they were headed for the divorce lawyers.

I didn't attend the wedding. As I'm sure most of you remember, I wasn't invited to the wedding.

That, of course, didn't mean I wasn't invited (read: didn't invite myself) to the reception.

The party seemed really nice.

Pathfinder's family was all crowded on one side of the room. His mom was hugging and kissing him, he dad shaking his hand.

Then there was the bride's family. She didn't really have anyone there. I think she had to invite her undead horde just to fill up some seats.

Kind of hard to have an extended family when your mom's a test tube and you're being created in a lab.

Or so I've heard.

Unfortunately, Lamia started to get very angry about being left out.

Damned emo snake girls.

But I couldn't let them ruin their wedding night.

I decided that this would be the perfect time to reveal my second true passion.

ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!!!

I managed to sneak up on stage with minimal effort (read: I groin stabbed dozens of people) and then grabbed a guitar.

The next twenty minutes were a blur. I remember people screaming. I remember one girl threw her panties up on stage.

Okay... It may have been a boomerang, but the thought is still there.

I was on the third verse of "Bad Medicine", when Lamia picked me up by the throat and threatened to insert that microphone into a non-sanctioned storage space (ie. my ass).

Just a little while later, they piled onto their very own chocobo and headed off to their honeymoon.

The rest of us kept on going, drinking and partying. Everything was going great until I got a call from Pathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, Thank GOD!
GoblinSmithy>> What do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know what to do.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to help me.
GoblinSmithy>> Help you with what?
GoblinPathfinder>> She... She...
GoblinSmithy>> She hit you?
GoblinSmithy>> She left you?
GoblinSmithy>> She's really a he?
GoblinPathfinder>> No. Nothing like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> But she...
GoblinSmithy>> Just spit it out, boy!
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... And?
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me in my naughty place.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You make me want to hurt people.
GoblinPathfinder>> She's not allowed to do that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I remember when they told us that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Noone is supposed to touch your naughty places.
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> That was a video for health class.
GoblinSmithy>> And we were seven!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You mean it's okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> It's okay.
GoblinSmithy>> She'll be disappointed, but it's too late for that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh... Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Can I ask you one more question?
GoblinSmithy>> I guess.
GoblinPathfinder>> We're on the groundfloor.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why does she keep asking me to go downstairs?

I guess we can't all be the perfect lover like myself.

Poor, poor Pathfinder.

Wait...

I mean poor, poor Lamia.

12 Comments:

Blogger Axit said...

I'm confused for two reasons:

1) Hearing what Pathfinder said just radiated so much stupid that I can't think

2) How would you go downstairs on a snake woman? Shes kinda got no downstairs...

1:21 AM  
Blogger Myloko said...

Whoot Smithy! :D!

1:33 AM  
Anonymous AI said...

Hehehehehe!!! Pathfinder got some! (possibly)
I can just hope that he doesn´t procreate, that would be the death of Darwinism as we know it.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Tog the stabbed said...

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> That was a video for health class.
GoblinSmithy>> And we were seven!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You mean it's okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, Pathfinder.

Sex Ed FTW!
Great stuff Smithy!

2:06 AM  
Blogger tarinakarelia said...

woot!! thankyou smitty!! lol... is it sad that ive had a similar conversation with one of my best friends on RL?? how DO you explain that! *sigh* i forgave her. and he thanked me.

2:24 AM  
Blogger Kittos said...

>>; downstairs? X_X haha *innocence* popopo

2:22 PM  
Blogger WindowOfTheSoul said...

Well, at least Lamia can mold him... Well, that or eat him in the sense of mating, and then you can put the moves on her... Unless you want your head eaten that is, but that probably won't happen.

Keep up the stabbing, Smithy!

4:02 PM  
Blogger Ginner_Ben said...

Too disturbing. I'll finish this comment when I stop crying. With laughter.

Right, I'm done. Anyway, well done Goblin Smithy. Help out the Lamia.

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading this blog and GMDave's for quite some time now. And one thing confuses me about this post, in an earlier one, Pathfinder told you that Lamia was trying to kill him... and you took him to the doctor, and it turned out to be a STD (or at least that's what the blog was hinting at, it never really said it.) so actually, why would pathfinder be so freaked out by this?

The only way I can think of is that he is retarded beyond comprehension. Like, WAAAAAY beyond, I was starting to get some idea of the depths of idiocy, and now this happens... my head hurts from this post...

Anyway Smithy, keep up the stabbing, I'm sure I'll be getting Face/Groin stabbed sometime in the near future.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! You help us all sleep at night knowing that there are a few less morons in the world.

2:49 AM  
Anonymous Lucinus said...

Of a sudden I have begun to hate this Lamia for two reasons. One, she got married to Pathfinder, the stupidest excuse for a lifeform on the planet. Two, she stopped Smithy from rocking out...

Play some rock if you want to, Smithy, don't let some test-tube baby stop you...

10:07 AM  
Anonymous swerve said...

Smithy, what have you done!? You realise this could lead to Pathfinder-offspring!

Guess who'll get to babysit the bastards...

4:02 PM  
Blogger WHM of Death said...

"Lamia picked me up by the throat and threatened to insert that microphone into a non-sanctioned storage space (ie. my ass)."

i laughed so hard i spit out coffee on my monitor.

classic

3:06 PM  

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