Azimuth Circle II: The Bloodening

I like fireworks as much as the next guy.

Well... the next guy who gets burned horribly on a semi-regular basis.

But do we honestly need another event?

Seriously?

What exactly are you people celebrating anyway?

I'm sure there's a very logical reason the entire population of Vana'diel has gone retarded for goldfish and ugly pajamas, but I just don't get it.

I was doing a shift in Ordelles, when I noticed there was no one there.

Nobody.

Not even somebody doing the RSE quest I could stab right before they open the chest.

That shit cracks me up.

But standing in cold, dark, dank caves with no one around to stab is not as much fun as you would think.

Smithy got bored.

Then, Smithy got pissed off.

Fed up, I stomped out of the cave into La Theine Plateau.

And there were adventurers everywhere.

Fat ones. Ugly ones. Stupid ones.

And that was just the Galkas.

The weird part was, they weren't even doing anything. They just kept kneeling down and talking about yalms or something.

I'll never understand you people.

Finally, I just gave up and walked over to one of the adventurers to find out what the hell was going on.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is going on?

See?

GoblinSmithy>> What's with all the kneeling?
Player>> Hold on a second.
Player>> Hey, Pete!
Player>> 58 yalms!
Player>> Okay. What did you want again?
GoblinSmithy>> What are you guys doing?
Player>> It's a new event.
GoblinSmithy>> A new event?
GoblinSmithy>> The special olympics are in town?
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> It's part of the Summerbreeze festival.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> And what exactly is a yalm?
Player>> I don't have a sweet clue.
Player>> All I know is Pete has to find a spot and stand there.
GoblinSmithy>> Just stand there?
Player>> And then I find my spot using yalms.
GoblinSmithy>> That's the event?
Player>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> And you find none of this retarded?
GoblinSmithy>> Not at all?
Player>> You don't get it.
Player>> The yalms measure distance.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you even listening to yourself?
Player>> Shut up.
Player>> If we find the spots, we get free armor.
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> I guess that's kind of cool.
Player>> It's a level 1 Yukata that dispenses fireworks.
GoblinSmithy>> So...
GoblinSmithy>> You're spending hours trying to get this Yukata.
Player>> Pretty much.
GoblinSmithy>> You could farm enough to buy fireworks.
Player>> That wouldn't be as much fun.
GoblinSmithy>> You're standing in a field yelling about yams.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd hate to see "less fun".
Player>> Forget it.
Player>> Man, you Goblins are stupid.

See... you'd think he'd be smarter than that.

Pissing off a Goblin Smithy when he's capped at level 1.

He's a few yalms short of a yukata, if you know what I mean.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry, sir.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me help you find your spot.
Player>> I don't think that will work.
GoblinSmithy>> Sure it will.
GoblinSmithy>> 20 yalms.
Player>> I'll try, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Good, good. You're getting closer.
GoblinSmithy>> 15 yalms.
Player>> This way?
GoblinSmithy>> You're doing fine.
GoblinSmithy>> 8 yalms.
Player>> Are you sure?
Player>> It looks like I'm just walking toward you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... I'm sure.
GoblinSmithy>> 4 yalms.
Player>> So, it's right around here?
GoblinSmithy>> You did it!
GoblinSmithy>> Congratulations!
GoblinSmithy>> You won a special item!
Player>> A Yukata?
GoblinSmithy>> Better!
Player>> A Yukata+1?
GoblinSmithy>> Even better!
Player>> What is it?!
GoblinSmithy>> It's a SWORD!

And that's when I stabbed him in the stomach.

Now, he can feel the summer breeze through the hole in his abdomen.

Damned retarded adventurers. I just want to kill the lot of them.

Speaking of which...

GoblinSmithy>> Hey! Pete!
GoblinSmithy>> 20 yalms!