Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fan Club Week!

Sorry for the late update. Apparently, there is a difference between the "Publish Post" button and the "Save As Draft" button.

One of the buttons keeps you from actually reading the things I write.

Damn these stupid metal gloves. Typing in these things isn't exactly easy.

Anyway, I wanted to announce the return of fan club week. This week, I'll be showing my appreciation for all of you meatbags that support me each and every month.

Love you meatbags.

And, as always, those of you who donated at least $5 during the month of July will receive a free fan club giftpack that will include many, many intersting things.

Just as soon as I figure out what those things will be.

It'll include some extra stories, some fun pictures, and whatever else I can think of.

Maybe a picture of a bunch of dead Blue Mages.


It makes me laugh.

And the reader who donates the most for the month will receive the opportunity of a lifetime. They will be given the chance to actually take part in the blog.

I'll let you calm down after that excitement.

So compete with your friends to see who can make the largest donation. We'll all have fun and, in the end, everybody wins.

Well... almost everybody wins.

Okay, so I win.

Get your own damn blog if you don't like it.

Just kidding. Remember: Smithy loves you meatbags.

Anyway, for fan week, I thought it would be fun to tell you some of the things my "friends" and I do when we're not stabbing adventurers.

Mostly, we sharpen things to stab you with.

No, that's a joke. We lead normal lives just like you guys.

Last night, as a matter of fact, I got some of the boys together for a poker tournament.

Shaman brought a few of his Black Mage buddies and I managed to round up a few people.

Unfortunately, Pathfinder found out about the game and invited himself.

Then we had to figure out what kind of poker to play. We all had our own opinions, but we managed to come to an agreement.

Well... everyone except for Pathfinder who kept insisting we play Monopoly because he "liked the racecar."

We decided on Tavnazian Hold'em for two main reasons:

1) it's an exciting game that requires skill and focus

2) one of the guys was an orc and they have trouble keeping track of more than two cards

I have to admit, the tournament was going really well. Everyone was getting along.

There had only been one stabbing during the evening. Among our friends, that's a good night.

Slowly, people started to go out.

GoblinGambler went out first on a really bad bluff. Even he was embarassed by it.

Next went the orc. The sad part was when we had to explain to him why he didn't get any more cards.

Then another went. And another.

Finally, I took out Shaman with a flush versus his straight.

You should have seen the look on his... mask.

So it was down to me and one other player. We were dead even in chips. Only one of us could be the winner.

It would either be me or...



Luckily, I knew I was a much better player than him.

This wouldn't take long.

We get our cards and I look down to see pocket aces.

For those of you who have been living under a rock and are not familiar with poker, that's a good thing.

I bet hard and start hoping for him to call me. No way can he beat aces.

And he calls.

I start to cheer a little inside, knowing this is the beginning of the end.

Then came the flop. Ace of hearts, ten of hearts, five of spades.

Dammit. I hit my third Ace, but there's two hearts. If he hits a flush, I'm dead.

It's his turn to act, so I wait and concentrate on his every tell.

His brow was furrowed. Maybe he's thinking of bluffing.

Oh... wait... he just glanced at my chips. Maybe he does have a good hand.

I'm just starting to respect Pathfinder. Obviously, if he was taking this much time to consider his actions, he must have a serious hand.

GoblinPathfinder>> Are you going to go?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> It's your turn.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Whoops.
GoblinPathfinder>> Check, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> All that time and you didn't know it was your turn?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> I was reviewing my knowledge of poker in my head.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> You gotta know when to hold 'em...

Yeah. Should have known.

Still, he could have two hearts. That could be risky.

I bet huge to keep him from getting a free card.

He calls.

Great. He's going to hit the flush. I'm toast.

Then came the turn card. Another Ace.

I literally had to keep myself from dancing. I have quad Aces and my opponent is a moron with a flush.

Hello, money.

I bet insanely big.

He calls.

He doesn't even see it coming.

The river was the Queen of Hearts.

Perfect. If he was on a flush draw, he just hit it.

Poor bastard is probably ecstatic and trying to get me to bet first.

No problem.

I go all in.

He calls.

I triumphantly turn over my quad aces and his face nearly hit the floor.

It was perfect.

GoblinPathfinder>> Wow!
GoblinPathfinder>> Four Aces!
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Read 'em and weep.
GoblinPathfinder>> Dammit.
GoblinPathfinder>> All I had was a straight.
GoblinShaman>> Tough luck, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> I liked them cause they were all the same.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... they're all hearts.
GoblinShaman>> Wait...
GoblinShaman>> What cards do you have?
GoblinPathfinder>> I have the King of hearts and the Jack of hearts.
GoblinShaman>> HOLY ALTANA!!!
GoblinShaman>> YOU HAVE A ROYAL FLUSH!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> A what?
GoblinPathfinder>> Is that good?

That special olympian turned over his cards and he had a Royal Flush.

A damned Royal Flush.

He beat me.

I congratulated Pathfinder on a well played game.

Okay... so I stabbed him on a well played game.

Close enough.

Dammit. We should have played Monopoly.


Anonymous Kavlar said...

Pathfinder is just too lucky. Seriously, even the dumbest poker player knows what a royal flush looks like. I would have done the same as you smithy if i had four aces.

Btw, Monopoly rocks.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Raine said...

I giggled.

1:59 AM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

STAB HIM MORE!!!! Damn Pathfinder!!!!!! He didn't even know how to play!!!

...and I actually laughed out loud with this post. Very funny!

2:40 AM  
Anonymous Almaxaquattl said...

Well, we all knows what it feels like..oh wait; we don't, because this DON'T happened, it's not allowed to happened! Lucky bastard...

Fun post for everybody who knows their way around poker, and who doesn't? (obviously I won't count pathfinder..)

7:53 AM  
Blogger Thistle said...

*lives under a rock* I have no clue at all about poker (um, that's something played with cards, right?), but this part was really cute:

GoblinPathfinder>> I liked them cause they were all the same.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Classic symbolic of your life in general. You had a monster hand, 4 Aces, but you made the mistake of playing your hand without paying attention to your opponents hand. Not that you could have gotten off 4 Aces....or gotten out of a plan to rid vanadiel of adventurers, or beat dynamis, etc.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Nigga wit a gun~ said...

Yo we be tight up here G, cuz ya know u can't catch me, ima go pee, then ill c, if can SuCk DeEz NuTz!

3:17 PM  
Anonymous freespirit said...

Haha, I was cheering for ya smithy! You probably should've played monopoly though ^_^

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno...were you keeping track of where the most recent Mr. Beeington was at this point? He may have been flying behind you, looking at your hand....

6:06 PM  
Blogger creature124 said...

who doesnt know what a royal flush is?

aside form Pathfinder that is?

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a royal flush consists of 10, jack, queen, king & ace?

If Smithy has 4 Aces, then a royal flush wouldn't be possible, right?

3:54 AM  
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