Nowhere To Run To, Baby

Oh, man, this has been an awesome week.

I found a secret entrance into the adventurer's moghouses and I've been sneaking in and kicking their asses.

IN THEIR OWN DAMNED HOUSES.

How freakin' embarassing is that? You're getting your ass knocked out on your own turf.

I'd say you were dying of shame if it wasn't for the sword sticking into your spine.

You can't even imagine how funny it is to walk up behind someone checking their inventory and then stab them in the back.

Player>> Hmmm... let's see what's in my delivery box.
Player>> Gear... Gear... Auction House money... Gear...
Player>> SWORD!!!

That shit is priceless.

Then word came down the grapevine that their going to be sealing up the secret entrance tomorrow.

Why do they always ruin my fun?

But if those bastards were going to take it away, you know damned well I was going to use it as much as possible before they do.

So, I sneak into a Moghouse, but there was nobody there.

Great. I have to wait.

Goblins are not exactly known for their patience.

Still... that look of surprise on their faces is totally worth it.

Where can I hide?

Behind the Christmas tree?

Wait... why in the hell does this guy have a Christmas tree up in July?

People.

Maybe I could hide under the bed.

Moogle>> What the hell do you think you're doing?
Moogle>> What are you doing in here, Kupo?
GoblinSmithy>> ... Uhh...

Think quickly.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm a house inspector.

Think quickly less retarded.

GoblinSmithy>> A secret house inspector.

Stop thinking.

Moogle>> That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got an idea though.
Moogle>> And what's that?
GoblinSmithy>> How about you just shut the hell up?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm trying to work here.
Moogle>> I'm afraid I can't let you hurt my owner.
Moogle>> You're going to have to leave.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me think that over.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
Moogle>> You've left me with no other alternative, Kupo.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I'm soooo scared.
GoblinSmithy>> What's the little Moogle going to do?

And that's when he shot me.

With a Power Bow.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
Moogle>> That was an arrow, you idiot.
Moogle>> I mean Kupo.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but that bow is like level 16.
GoblinSmithy>> It barely itched.
Moogle>> I've got more arrows for you.
GoblinSmithy>> Where the hell did you get a Power Bow?
Moogle>> My owner gave it to me.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
Moogle>> He put a Bronze Bed in his room.
Moogle>> So I asked him for stuff.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> That's retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> Who bases a system of trade on furniture placement?
Moogle>> Shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm just saying.
Moogle>> That's it.
Moogle>> More arrows.
GoblinSmithy>> Go ahead.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't mind me if I yawn.
Moogle>> Okay.
Moogle>> SCREW THE DAMNED BOW!
GoblinSmithy>> You forgot to say Kupo.
Moogle>> DIE, GOBLIN SCUM!
GoblinSmithy>> What now?
GoblinSmithy>> Did you find some pebbles to throw?

Moogle starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh what the hell?!
GoblinSmithy>> That is so not fair.
Moogle>> EAT FIRE, KUPO!!!

Yeah.

I'm actually going to help them seal up that entrance tomorrow.

Those Moogles are freakin' crazy.

The Goblin (Smithy) Tailor

Today, I thought I'd get back to murdering people.

You know, my normal routine.

Unfortunately, it seems today had other plans for me. One of the NPC Goblins came down with the flu.

So, I get to work and find out I'll be spending the whole day covering and talking to adventurers.

Not happy.

Still... maybe he's isn't a popular NPC. Maybe I won't have to deal with anyone.

What Goblin was it that got sick?

Guttrix.

Yes, the Goblin in charge of the Race Specific Equipment Quests.

Yay.

I was going to have to spend my entire day talking to the unwashed masses of Vana'diel, all whining about free armor.

Note to self: As soon as Guttrix is feeling better, kill him.

Grumbling angrily to myself, I set up shop in Lower Jeuno.

As a side note, you can imagine how much fun it was to walk through Jeuno. If I hadn't been upgraded to NPC, I'm pretty sure I would have been burned to death a hundred times before my body hit the ground.

So, I'm hanging out and the adventurers start coming in.

GoblinSmithy>> You're a Male Hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to Gusgen Mines.

And another...

GoblinSmithy>> You're a Male Hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to Gusgen Mines.

And another...

GoblinSmithy>> You're a Male Hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to Gusgen Mines.

Okay, this was getting real old, real fast.

I have to deal with all of the ugliness and stupidity of adventurers, but I don't get to stab any of them.

What kind of job is this?

Seriously. I had to figure out something to do before I go crazy.

HumeMale>> Where's my RSE quest this week?

...

This is almost too easy.

GoblinSmithy>> You're a Male Hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to Eldieme Necropolis.
HumeMale>> Oka... Wait...
HumeMale>> What?!
HumeMale>> RSE doesn't happen in Eldieme.
GoblinSmithy>> New type of RSE quest.
GoblinSmithy>> They just put it in.
GoblinSmithy>> Very hush hush.
HumeMale>> ... I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> You need to bring me a Falcastra.
HumeMale>> A what?
GoblinSmithy>> A Falcastra.
GoblinSmithy>> It's a weapon or something.
HumeMale>> This doesn't seem right.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want your equipment or not?
HumeMale>> I'll go, I'll go.
HumeMale>> But how do I get a key?
GoblinSmithy>> How should I know?
GoblinSmithy>> That's not my problem.
HumeMale>> Those monsters are way above my level.
GoblinSmithy>> Not during RSE week.
GoblinSmithy>> The new quest reduces their levels.
GoblinSmithy>> You should have no trouble.
HumeMale>> Oh...
HumeMale>> Cool.
GoblinSmithy>> Good luck.

He was going to need it.

The little Hume man toddles off to Eldieme and certain doom.

Good times, good times.

I chuckled to myself and went back to work.

You can imagine my surprise when, eight hours later, he shows up.

And he was carrying a Falcastra.

HumeMale>> Here.
HumeMale>> This new quest is sick.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
HumeMale>> Those monsters kicked my ass.
HumeMale>> I died twelve times.
GoblinSmithy>> Only twelve?
GoblinSmithy>> I'll have to start sending people to Rancor's Den.
HumeMale>> In the end, I had to pay some people to help me.
HumeMale>> Even then, it took hours.
GoblinSmithy>> I bet.
GoblinSmithy>> But you made it.
HumeMale>> Yeah.
HumeMale>> It was tough, but I pulled through.
GoblinSmithy>> Unfortunately, you ran out of time.
HumeMale>> ...
HumeMale>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> Time.
GoblinSmithy>> It ran out.
HumeMale>> What do you mean "ran out"?
GoblinSmithy>> You only had seven hours.
GoblinSmithy>> So close.
HumeMale>> You've got to be joking.
GoblinSmithy>> No. This is me joking.
GoblinSmithy>> Two drums and a set of cymbals fell off a cliff.
GoblinSmithy>> Bah dump psshhhh
HumeMale>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> It's funnier if you didn't just waste eight hours.

Those humes have no sense of humor.

Weapon Shopping

I broke a blade off in a Galka's sternum yesterday, so that meant I had to go and pick up a new weapon today.

Had to. That's funny.

The truth is I love to go weapon shopping. I'm like a kid in a candy story.

A homicidal, psychopathic child in a candy store that specializes in items made specifically to murder other living things.

Mmmm Candy.

Anyway, I grabbed all of the gil that I had looted from the corpses of adventurers and headed over to the local weapons shop.

Just opening the door got me excited. All that shiny, potentially deadly metal just waiting to be thrust into someone's torso.

It was like Christmas morning.

I ran around the store grabbing this sword and that axe.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Buddy!
GoblinSmithy>> Got any explosives?
Lucretia>> What kind?
Lucretia>> Grenades? Missiles?
GoblinSmithy>> Big.
Lucretia>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> Anything big.
GoblinSmithy>> Must be large enough to kill 6 adventurers.
GoblinSmithy>> And possibly nearby Pathfinders.
Lucretia>> ...
Lucretia>> Let me check the backroom.
Lucretia>> Don't take anything.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm insulted.

I actually was a little insulted.

Not by her saying it, but because the idea hadn't occurred to me.

I must be slipping.

As soon as she was out of sight, I grabbed everything I could get my hands on.

Axes. Swords. Knives.

I think I even took a lance. Who in the hell uses a lance for Altana's sake?

I was just about to run out the door when I notice a sticker in the window.

Attention: These premises protected by the 6ABM Security System. Shoplifters will be prosecuted.

Ha!

Like that would scare me.

Now, to just slip out the door...

BlackMage1 starts casting Fire III on GoblinSmithy.
BlackMage2 starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.
BlackMage3 starts casting Thunder IV on GoblinSmithy.
BlackMage4 starts casting Blizzard III on GoblinSmithy.
BlackMage5 starts casting Blizzard III on GoblinSmithy.

6ABM... 6 Angry Black Mages.

Cute.

I had to start running or I was going to be toast. Literally.

Wait...

That was only five Black Mages.

BlackMage6 starts casting Bind on GoblinSmithy.

DAMMIT!

GoblinSmithy>> Can't we talk this over?

Apparently, they weren't in a talking mood.

They were more in a "Let's burn that guy to death" kind of mood.

On the bright side, I got to keep all the pretty new weapons.

Unfortunately, they were fused and melted onto my body.

Still... free weapons are free weapons.

Suckers.

The Dentist

When I woke up this morning, I had a terrible toothache.

I mean DAY-YAM!

So, I called a local dentist and made an emergency appointment.

This in and of itself was not easy.

Do you know how hard it is to find someone willing to do work on a Goblin?

"Hey, I carry a giant sword, anger management issues, and spend most of my day stabbing people in the throat. Could you poke around in my mouth knowing that if you cause me even the slightest discomfort, I may have to gut you like me a pig?"

That doesn't go over so well.

Still, I somehow managed to find a dentist willing to see me.

I'm not sure if this is a Yay or not.

Now, my appointment was for 10 am sharp. As I am in a tremendous amount of pain, I show up perfectly on time.

I then find out the dentist is two hours behind.

Upon finding this out, I immediately start warming up my right arm.

Good old stabby.

Do you know what works wonders for terrible, terrible pain? Sitting in a waiting room reading Time magazines from 1982.

I'm really looking forward to that Rocky movie.

When he finally calls me in three hours later, I'm in no mood to be civil.

GoblinSmithy>> Tooth.
GoblinSmithy>> Pain.
GoblinSmithy>> Fix.
Dentist>> Okay...
Dentist>> So, how are things with you?
GoblinSmithy>> No, no.
GoblinSmithy>> No talking.
GoblinSmithy>> Talking equals stabbing.
Dentist>> Okay. No problem.
Dentist>> Could you take off the mask?
GoblinSmithy>> Sure.
Dentist>> SWEET MERCIFUL LORD!!!
Dentist>> I HAVE SEEN THE FACE OF EVIL!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Can we get on with this?
Dentist>> ... Sure we can.
Dentist>> ...
Dentist>> I'm sorry. Where's your mouth?
GoblinSmithy>> Right here.
Dentist>> Could you excuse me for a second?
Dentist>> I need to go vomit.
GoblinSmithy>> Just give me the needle and get to work.
Dentist>> Fine.
Dentist>> This may sting a little.
GoblinSmithy>> If it does, your torso may sting a lot.
GoblinSmithy>> Got it?
Dentist>> ...
Dentist>> I can do this.

Apparently, he could not.

Making a dentist scream was actually much more satisfying than you might think.

Tomorrow, I'm sending a bill to his family.

Fan Club Week!

Sorry for the late update. Apparently, there is a difference between the "Publish Post" button and the "Save As Draft" button.

One of the buttons keeps you from actually reading the things I write.

Damn these stupid metal gloves. Typing in these things isn't exactly easy.

Anyway, I wanted to announce the return of fan club week. This week, I'll be showing my appreciation for all of you meatbags that support me each and every month.

Love you meatbags.

And, as always, those of you who donated at least $5 during the month of July will receive a free fan club giftpack that will include many, many intersting things.

Just as soon as I figure out what those things will be.

It'll include some extra stories, some fun pictures, and whatever else I can think of.

Maybe a picture of a bunch of dead Blue Mages.

What?

It makes me laugh.

And the reader who donates the most for the month will receive the opportunity of a lifetime. They will be given the chance to actually take part in the blog.

I'll let you calm down after that excitement.

So compete with your friends to see who can make the largest donation. We'll all have fun and, in the end, everybody wins.

Well... almost everybody wins.

Okay, so I win.

Get your own damn blog if you don't like it.

Just kidding. Remember: Smithy loves you meatbags.

Anyway, for fan week, I thought it would be fun to tell you some of the things my "friends" and I do when we're not stabbing adventurers.

Mostly, we sharpen things to stab you with.

No, that's a joke. We lead normal lives just like you guys.

Last night, as a matter of fact, I got some of the boys together for a poker tournament.

Shaman brought a few of his Black Mage buddies and I managed to round up a few people.

Unfortunately, Pathfinder found out about the game and invited himself.

Then we had to figure out what kind of poker to play. We all had our own opinions, but we managed to come to an agreement.

Well... everyone except for Pathfinder who kept insisting we play Monopoly because he "liked the racecar."

We decided on Tavnazian Hold'em for two main reasons:

1) it's an exciting game that requires skill and focus

2) one of the guys was an orc and they have trouble keeping track of more than two cards

I have to admit, the tournament was going really well. Everyone was getting along.

There had only been one stabbing during the evening. Among our friends, that's a good night.

Slowly, people started to go out.

GoblinGambler went out first on a really bad bluff. Even he was embarassed by it.

Next went the orc. The sad part was when we had to explain to him why he didn't get any more cards.

Then another went. And another.

Finally, I took out Shaman with a flush versus his straight.

You should have seen the look on his... mask.

So it was down to me and one other player. We were dead even in chips. Only one of us could be the winner.

It would either be me or...

Pathfinder.

Yeah.

Luckily, I knew I was a much better player than him.

This wouldn't take long.

We get our cards and I look down to see pocket aces.

For those of you who have been living under a rock and are not familiar with poker, that's a good thing.

I bet hard and start hoping for him to call me. No way can he beat aces.

And he calls.

I start to cheer a little inside, knowing this is the beginning of the end.

Then came the flop. Ace of hearts, ten of hearts, five of spades.

Dammit. I hit my third Ace, but there's two hearts. If he hits a flush, I'm dead.

It's his turn to act, so I wait and concentrate on his every tell.

His brow was furrowed. Maybe he's thinking of bluffing.

Oh... wait... he just glanced at my chips. Maybe he does have a good hand.

I'm just starting to respect Pathfinder. Obviously, if he was taking this much time to consider his actions, he must have a serious hand.

GoblinPathfinder>> Are you going to go?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> It's your turn.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Whoops.
GoblinPathfinder>> Check, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> All that time and you didn't know it was your turn?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> I was reviewing my knowledge of poker in my head.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> You gotta know when to hold 'em...

Yeah. Should have known.

Still, he could have two hearts. That could be risky.

I bet huge to keep him from getting a free card.

He calls.

Great. He's going to hit the flush. I'm toast.

Then came the turn card. Another Ace.

I literally had to keep myself from dancing. I have quad Aces and my opponent is a moron with a flush.

Hello, money.

I bet insanely big.

He calls.

He doesn't even see it coming.

The river was the Queen of Hearts.

Perfect. If he was on a flush draw, he just hit it.

Poor bastard is probably ecstatic and trying to get me to bet first.

No problem.

I go all in.

He calls.

I triumphantly turn over my quad aces and his face nearly hit the floor.

It was perfect.

GoblinPathfinder>> Wow!
GoblinPathfinder>> Four Aces!
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Read 'em and weep.
GoblinPathfinder>> Dammit.
GoblinPathfinder>> All I had was a straight.
GoblinShaman>> Tough luck, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> I liked them cause they were all the same.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... they're all hearts.
GoblinShaman>> Wait...
GoblinShaman>> What cards do you have?
GoblinPathfinder>> I have the King of hearts and the Jack of hearts.
GoblinShaman>> HOLY ALTANA!!!
GoblinShaman>> YOU HAVE A ROYAL FLUSH!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> A what?
GoblinPathfinder>> Is that good?

That special olympian turned over his cards and he had a Royal Flush.

A damned Royal Flush.

He beat me.

I congratulated Pathfinder on a well played game.

Okay... so I stabbed him on a well played game.

Close enough.

Dammit. We should have played Monopoly.

UPDATE TIME!

YAY! SMITHY GETS SOME LOVE!

I was worried about the update. They always forget me,

But not today.

Oh, hell no.

I got hooked up.

They gave me two new job abilities and two new job traits.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

-Job Abilities-

Goblin's Charge
- doubles attack damage when striking an adventurer's groin region
- if strike is critical, adventurer receives "Castrate" status and movement speed is reduced to 5%.

Taru Throw
- enables GoblinSmithy to use nearby Tarus as ranged weapons
- damage varies according to pointy-ness of taru head

-Job Traits-

Sonova
- may or may not make unkind references about adventurer's mother

Hatred
- increases enmity of any adventurer who says lol or uses excessive calls in their battle macros

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Tomorrow is going to be amazing.

I am spending the entire day throwing Tarus and stabbing groins.

Maybe I'll stab someone in the groin with a flying Taru.

And then insult their mother.

Now, if they just listen to my suggestions and give me a "Teabagging" job ability, I'll be happy.

Back To Basics

It occurred to me that perhaps the reason I've been dying so frequently (and painfully) is due to a lack of work on my part.

I must admit, I have been neglecting my leveling in order to focus on the neck stabbings.

So, I decided to spend the weekend concentrating only on leveling.

No stabbings.

No getting burned to death.

Only experience points.

Friday evening, I threw up my party flag and waited for the invites to come rolling in.

...

Any minute now...

...

Okay, what the hell?

Where is everybody?

I started searching and I noticed there were tons of people looking for parties.

Why wasn't anyone inviting me?

BronzeQuadav>> Are you there?
BronzeQuadav>> (( Party )) ?

Finally. Someone needs me.

About freakin' time.

GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, I'm here.
GoblinSmithy>> Send the invite.
BronzeQuadav>> Can you sub NIN?
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry. Haven't unlocked it.
GoblinSmithy>> So how many people do we have?
BronzeQuadav>> Oh...
BronzeQuadav>> That's a problem.
GoblinSmithy>> No, it's not.
BronzeQuadav>> Sorry, but everyone wants a WAR/NIN.
BronzeQuadav>> Maybe next time, k?
GoblinSmithy>> I hope a Galka Sneak Attacks you.

What the hell was that?

Apparently, you're just not good enough unless you sub Ninja.

That's bullshit.

Eh... I guess you have to expect a few idiots when you decide to work/speak/interact with others.

So, I went back to looking for a party.

Fast forward twelve hours.

By this time I had received three invites.

Two of them asked me to sub Ninja.

The third mistakenly invited me to do a Promyvion-Holla run.

And then asked me to sub Ninja.

I hate people.

Rather than sitting there bitching and moaning, I decided to do something about it.

I started sending tells to the other players looking for parties.

Then, a White Mage popped up.

Perfect timing.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey.
GoblinSmithy>> Want to party?
RiverSahagin>> Sure.
RiverSahagin>> Wait...
RiverSahagin>> Do you have a tank yet?
GoblinSmithy>> ... Not yet.
GoblinSmithy>> But there's a Paladin searching.
RiverSahagin>> Yeah...
RiverSahagin>> I'll join after you find a tank.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, come on.
RiverSahagin>> Umm... no.

Dammit dammit dammit.

This is why I always stab the White Mage first.

You bastards deserve it.

It's cool, though. I'll just grab a tank and then the White Mage will join. A few more people and we're good to go.

There's a Ninja looking. That'll do nicely.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi there.
GoblinSmithy>> Want to party?
YagudoHerald>> Cool.
YagudoHerald>> How many people do you have so far?
GoblinSmithy>> Just me so far.
GoblinSmithy>> But...
YagudoHerald>> Sorry, man.
YagudoHerald>> I'm looking for a full party.
YagudoHerald>> I'm not spending an hour looking for a healer.
YagudoHerald>> Maybe some other time.
GoblinSmithy>> But I have a White Mage who'll join.
GoblinSmithy>> And there's more people looking.
YagudoHerald>> I'll join after the White Mage.

Yay.

Another primadonna.

Aren't people great?

GoblinSmithy>> I found a tank.
GoblinSmithy>> Will you join now?
RiverSahagin>> Did the tank join?
GoblinSmithy>> ... No.
GoblinSmithy>> But he will.
GoblinSmithy>> He just wants to know we have a White Mage.
RiverSahagin>> I'm not joining until you have a tank.
GoblinSmithy>> I have a tank.
GoblinSmithy>> He's waiting.
RiverSahagin>> Sorry.
RiverSahagin>> Get a tank and I'll join.

#@$% those #@$%ing #@$%ers in their #@$%ing *&&es.

Stay calm.

Need to exp.

So, I spend about twenty minutes arguing with the White Mage AND the Ninja trying to get them both to join.

Finally, after an exhaustive ordeal, the Ninja agrees to join.

Well, halle-freakin'-lujah.

GoblinSmithy>> Good news.
GoblinSmithy>> The Ninja joined.
RiverSahagin>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sending the invite now.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> It won't send.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Why is your name blue?
RiverSahagin>> I just got another invite to a full party.
RiverSahagin>> And they have a Black Mage.
RiverSahagin>> Sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to be kidding me.

Could this get any worse?

YagudoHerald>> Is the White Mage coming?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Not exactly.
YagudoHerald>> Sorry, man.
YagudoHerald>> Got to go.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait!
GoblinSmithy>> We can find another healer.
YagudoHerald>> Too late.
YagudoHerald>> Just got an invite from a RiverSahagin.
YagudoHerald>> Later.

*insert unintelligible, angry screaming here*

All that work for nothing.

My IQ dropped twenty points just dealing with those idiots and I get nothing to show from it, but a sudden urge to watch the OC.

I don't think I could be any angrier.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy!
GoblinShaman>> I just started an awesome party!
GoblinShaman>> We got a White Mage and a Ninja.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinShaman>> What did I say?
GoblinSmithy>> Die in a fire.
GoblinShaman>> That's just rude.
GoblinSmithy>> You're right.
GoblinSmithy>> Die in a fire please.
GoblinShaman>> And I was just about to invite you.
GoblinShaman>> But screw that.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe I was a little harsh.
GoblinShaman>> Nice try.
GoblinShaman>> Have fun not partying.

Now, I'm the angriest I could possibly be.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wanna start a party?
GoblinSmithy>> You're a Beastmaster.
GoblinSmithy>> You can solo.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh yeah...
GoblinPathfinder>> I forgot.
GoblinPathfinder>> Want to party anyway?

How badly did I want to exp this weekend?

Would it be worth partying with Pathfinder?

GoblinSmithy>> I don't know.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe...
GoblinPathfinder>> Oops.
GoblinSmithy>> Oops what?
GoblinSmithy>> What's oops?
GoblinPathfinder>> Shaman just invited me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I gotta go.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay, that's just cruel.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey!
GoblinPathfinder>> They have a Ninja AND a White Mage!
GoblinPathfinder>> SWEET!

I think that's when I had the aneurysm.

This is why I don't like partying.

A New Low

What the hell is wrong with women?

If I insulted a woman, she'd be angry as hell, right?

Am I right?

So, when I was discussing Vana'diel's most wanted the other day, I didn't mention Lamia 19.

I think I'm being all kind and noble and junk.

Unfortunately, she disagreed.

Strongly disagreed.

See, I learned a while back not to mess with a Lamia.

Those bitches don't kid around.

Instead of starting some shit with her, I decided just to leave her out of the post.

She's a woman, so it's not like she counts anyway.

See? Right there.

Right there, every woman who read that just got a little bit pissed off.

I figured not mentioning her would be playing it safe.

Not so much.

She actually got more pissed off that she didn't get some credit.

What.

The.

Hell.

It makes my head hurt.

I've got a lot of enemies. I know that.

Not a surprise.

But when Lamia came after me today, I was totally blindsided.

See, most people become my enemy because I actually DID SOMETHING TO THEM.

I was on duty in Yhoator and things were running as they usually do.

Stab a White Mage. Chase a moron to the zoneline. Yada yada yada.

When, out of nowhere, I get hit with a giant staff.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?!
GoblinSmithy>> I'll sue!
Lamia19>> You angry, ugly bastard.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hey, Lamia 19.
GoblinSmithy>> For future reference, hello will suffice.
Lamia19>> No.
Lamia19>> I prefer the hitting.
GoblinSmithy>> See, that doesn't work for me.
Lamia19>> I really don't care.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe we can work out a compromise.
GoblinSmithy>> What about some mild groping?
Lamia19>> You need to die.
GoblinSmithy>> That wasn't a no.
Lamia19>> I'd rather grope a troll.
GoblinSmithy>> Ouch.
GoblinSmithy>> That was uncalled for.
Lamia19>> Shut the hell up, you ass.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe I'm imagining things...
GoblinSmithy>> But I'm sensing some hostility.

That's when she hit me with the staff again.

GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Definitely some hosility.
Lamia19>> YOU LEFT ME OUT!
GoblinSmithy>> Left you out of what?
Lamia19>> Your post.
Lamia19>> The post about the most wanted criminals.
Lamia19>> I was on that list, too.
GoblinSmithy>> Your parents must be so proud.

And she hit me again.

Getting kind of tired of that, I gotta say.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, what the hell was that for?
Lamia19>> I don't have parents.
Lamia19>> I was created in a lab.
GoblinSmithy>> Ouch.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> When did they start making ugly in a lab?

Hit number four.

GoblinSmithy>> I deserved that one.
Lamia19>> Why didn't you mention me?
GoblinSmithy>> Of the three, I found you the least retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought it was a compliment.
Lamia19>> I worked hard to get on that list.
Lamia19>> I've killed thousands.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually...
GoblinSmithy>> You're undead horde did most of the killing.
GoblinSmithy>> You're more like their public relations director.
Lamia19>> I command a legion of blood thirsty minions.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> But that's still not very impressive.
GoblinSmithy>> Do they do tricks?
Lamia19>> TRICKS?!
Lamia19>> They are an unholy strike force.
GoblinSmithy>> So that's a no?
Lamia19>> I DEMAND RECOGNITION!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, you can definitely get recognition.
Lamia19>> It's about damned time.
Lamia19>> That's more like it.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, just take off your top...

Things got a little dark after that. Dark and blurry.

Wait... Check that...

Dark and blurry and hurty.

All I did was suggest the only way to get attention would be to get naked.

I don't get women.

Dynamis - Attempt 6

Why do I listen to Shaman?

I wouldn't trust the guy as far as I could throw him, but everytime he comes up with an idea, I always listen.

It's a sickness.

By my count, We've already tried Dynamis five times.

That's right. Five times.

Let me count something else.

Hmm...

Carry the one...

Yeah, I've also been burned alive in Dynamis five times.

Isn't math fun?

Sigh.

But once again, Shaman came running up to me trying to get me to go to Dynamis.

And I listened.

See, I know it's not my memory. I totally remember being set on fire.

That shit sticks with you.

This time, though, it wasn't all my fault. He said he had a new plan for us to win.

Yeah... I'm an idiot.

So, we lined up like nice little ducks in a shooting gallery and filed into Dynamis.

VanguardSmithy>> You know, I used to love that name.
VanguardSmithy>> Vanguard sounds so damned cool.
VanguardSmithy>> Now, I associate it with pain.
VanguardShaman>> Why don't you trust me?
VanguardSmithy>> Pretty much everything up until now.
VanguardShaman>> Not everything.
VanguardShaman>> I set you up with my sister that time.
VanguardSmithy>> That was YOUR SISTER?!
VanguardSmithy>> I thought I was walking your dog!
VanguardShaman>> That's not very nice.
VanguardSmithy>> She drank out of my toilet.
VanguardShaman>> She's quirky.
VanguardSmithy>> She bit me.
VanguardShaman>> Fine.
VanguardShaman>> Very quirky.
VanguardSmithy>> Can we get on with the plan?
VanguardSmithy>> I'll be late for my next skin graft.
VanguardShaman>> Don't think like that.
VanguardShaman>> Think positive.
VanguardSmithy>> I am positive.
VanguardSmithy>> Positive I'll be eating supper through a straw.
VanguardShaman>> Trust me.
VanguardShaman>> I've got a secret.

There was something in his voice that actually made me less worried.

He wasn't kidding.

He really knew something.

Something big.

VanguardSmithy>> Okay, give it up.
VanguardSmithy>> Tell me what you know.
VanguardShaman>> I know a guy who knows a guy...
VanguardSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
VanguardSmithy>> Get on with it.
VanguardShaman>> They nerfed Black Mages.

Did you hear that?

It sounded like a choir of angels.

VanguardSmithy>> They nerfed Black Mages?
VanguardSmithy>> Santa got my letter!
VanguardShaman>> So that means no more burning.
VanguardSmithy>> I've never been this happy before.
VanguardSmithy>> Wait...
VanguardSmithy>> I've never been happy before.
VanguardSmithy>> It's oddly disconcerting.
VanguardShaman>> Didn't I tell you?
VanguardShaman>> We're finally going to win.
VanguardSmithy>> So how did they nerf them?
VanguardShaman>> It's very technical.
VanguardShaman>> Something about Accumulated Resistance.
VanguardSmithy>> What's that mean?
VanguardShaman>> I don't know.
VanguardShaman>> They sent me a description.
VanguardSmithy>> Can I see it?

So, he hands me a printout of an e-mail.

Yada yada yada balance.

Yada yada yada resistance.

Wait a second...

VanguardSmithy>> What's this part at the end?
VanguardShaman>> What part?
VanguardShaman>> I was too excited to finish.
VanguardSmithy>> This says NMs.
VanguardShaman>> What?
VanguardSmithy>> It says it only affects certain NMs.
VanguardShaman>> ...
VanguardShaman>> Oh...

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage2 starts casting Blizzaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage3 starts casting Thundaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardShaman.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage6 starts casting Thundaga III on VanguardSmithy.

VanguardSmithy>> I hate you.

Dear Altana, please let me learn from this.

Burn me to death five or fewer times, shame on you.

Burn me to death six or more times, shame on me.

Damn, I hate Shaman.

A Quick Message

Not much time tonight. Been really busy lately.

Shaman thinks he has a way to beat Dynamis and, since my skin has grown back, I've decided to help him out.

We'll either win Dynamis or I'm pretty sure they'll name a burn ward after me.

Before I head off to Dynamis though, I wanted to make something clear.

I spend a fair amount of time typing.

This involves pressing keys in a certain sequence.

Occasionally, through a slip of fingers or thought, that sequence may not be entirely correct.

Intelligent people call this a typo.

Morons call this a chance to correct someone on the internet.

Correcting someone else's grammar on the internet is:

a) stupid

b) a waste of time

c) See both a) and b).

If you have ever corrected someone on the internet to pathetically try and display your "superior" intelligence, I want you to do us all a favor and stop breathing.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Pointing them out and trying to be funny is just being a dick.

I mean, I stab and murder people, but I don't point out their mistakes.

That shit is just rude.

Do you honestly think that anyone will respect you for being an arrogant ass that belittles someone for a typo?

Short answer: no.

Long answer: no, you retard.

So, the next time you find a little mistake, instead of pointing it out, I want you to let it go, turn off your computer, and then jump up your own ass.

Today's lesson: Don't be a dick. Don't correct people.

What The Hell?!

Okay, this is just bullshit.

They just released a list of the Empire's most wanted criminals. The Beastmen that are worse than all others and are sought for their crimes.

I ask you, what about Smithy?

These morons couldn't hold a candle to me. I was ripping the spines out of n00bs long before those guys ever showed up.

I don't really give a damn if they're from the Near East.

Big freakin' deal.

I've been here since Day 1.

That's right. No expansions, no updates.

I'm old school.

Sure, these new guys are flashy. Unfortunately, it's all flash and no substance.

Take the Gar Brothers, for instance.

What the hell?

Those guys are about as threatening as a kitten wrapped in bubble wrap.

And stupid? I think the three of them share one brain.

That one gets left in their Moghouse most days.

And what about Zoraal Jar?

He's a soldier who's main weapon is a talking bird.

Yes.

A talking bird.

Words fail me.

How is it Dr. Dolittle made the list of most wanted and I got left off?

Next thing you know, they'll be making Pathfinder the next Shadow Lord.

I actually ran into Zoraal Ja this morning on my way to work.

GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Zor.
GoblinSmithy>> What's up?
ZoraalJa>> Not much.
ZoraalJa>> Secret Mamool Ja stuff.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> That's nice.
GoblinSmithy>> You don't sound the slightest bit retarded.
ZoraalJa>> Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> I have to ask...
GoblinSmithy>> What's with the bird?
ZoraalJa>> You'll address him by his proper name.
ZoraalJa>> Commander Bird.
ZoraalJa>> He's my second in command.
GoblinSmithy>> A bird.
ZoraalJa>> Yeah.
ZoraalJa>> He's an expert military strategist.
GoblinSmithy>> A bird.
GoblinSmithy>> You're taking advice from a bird?
ZoraalJa>> You say that like it's a bad thing.
GoblinSmithy>> Good.
GoblinSmithy>> I was worried it wasn't getting across.
ZoraalJa>> You're making Commander Bird very angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh no.
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever shall I do?
ZoraalJa>> What's that, Commander Bird?

I swaer to Altana, he actually leaned in and listened to the bird in the middle of the conversation.

Maybe the bird is on the Most Wanted list.

I mean, it could be true. Maybe the bird is a master strategist.

ZoraalJa>> No, you can't have a cracker.

So, no then.

GoblinSmithy>> Wow. This has been fun.
GoblinSmithy>> But I have to go.
ZoraalJa>> Really?
ZoraalJa>> Where are you going?
GoblinSmithy>> I have to go do something less stupid.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe douse myself in lighter fluid...
GoblinSmithy>> And then go to Dynamis.
ZoraalJa>> What do you mean stupid?
ZoraalJa>> I don't understand.
GoblinSmithy>> That's kind of the point.
GoblinSmithy>> How are you on the Most Wanted list?
GoblinSmithy>> I just don't get it.
ZoraalJa>> We made the list due to our Superior intellect.
GoblinSmithy>> No, seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> How'd you do it?
ZoraalJa>> Are you saying I'm not smart?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm implying you're not smart.
GoblinSmithy>> This is saying you're not smart.
GoblinSmithy>> You're retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you see the difference?
ZoraalJa>> How dare you insult me?!
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I really didn't think you'd get it.
ZoraalJa>> You will regret saying that, Mr. Smithy.
ZoraalJa>> Commander Bird, tell me how to destroy him.

He leaned in close and the bird whispered gently in his ear.

ZoraalJa>> Hit him with an axe?!
ZoraalJa>> What kind of plan is that?!

So, the bird leans in again.

ZoraalJa>> Shut up about the damned cracker!

Honestly, I just got tired and walked away.

I'd have stabbed him, but that kind of stupid might be contagious.

Maybe being on that list isn't as big as I thought.

Remember: no one stabs like Smithy.

Accept no substitutes.

DING!!! 100!!!

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!

I hate chocobos.

See, I had a great plan. I was going to open my very own chocobo dealership.

Crazy Smithy's Chocobo Hut.

I mean, that's like money in the bank, right?

How's a Taru supposed to run anywhere? His legs are like a quarter of an inch long.

So, I go ahead and start working out the details. I talked to my friend Bluffnix and he agreed to back the deal.

The money was taken care of. Beautiful.

I even made a deal to supply chocobo eggs to all of the chocobo stables for even more profit.

I was going to be rich.

Then I figured I'd just have some chocobos shipped in. How much could that cost, right?

Answer: a hell of a freakin' lot.

That was out.

Then Shaman suggested a great idea.

GoblinShaman>> Why don't you just breed your own?

Now, that was smart.

So, I go out and catch two chocobos in the wild.

Well... not so much "in the wild".

It may have involved actually removing them from beneath a few adventurers and then murdering them.

That part was kind of fun.

Then all I had to do was get those big, yellow freaks to make some babies.

How hard could that be, right?

Answer: freakin' hard.

I did everything I could think of. I got the female chocobo drunk. I played Barry White music.

Nothing.

But just as I was about to give up on the whole project and have a chocobarbecue, they finally gave into their primal, carnal urges.

ie, Bow chikka wow wow.

YAY!

My plan was working.

Then the eggs hatched.

YAY!

My plan turned to complete crap.

The first batch just spontaneously exploded.

Little bits of charred chocobo meat flying in every direction.

I'm not even going to talk about the Taru who was riding one.

It wasn't pretty.

Then the batch after that had some "anatomical abnormalities".

I'm not going to explain, but just let me say it would have been a great day to be a female chocobo.

Made it hard for them to run though.

Then there was the one with a backwards left leg. Poor bastard.

Just stood there running in circles...

I felt so bad for these poor, majestic creatures.

Plus, the meat was awful chewy.

Sigh.

I guess I'm just not meant to be rich.

Only one good thing came out of the whole deal.

I gave Pathfinder one of the first batch.

There is nothing funnier than watching someone you hate getting blown up while riding a giant mutant chicken.

OH! SNAP, BITCHES!!!

There was a huge meeting today of all the Beastmen.

Well... Sozu Rogberry wasn't there.

It's kind of hard to get anywhere when you only live for about four and a half seconds.

The news was spreading like wild fire. It was on everyone's lips.

Or what passes for lips on some of those guys.

An orc had come up with the ultimate plan. An idea so profound that it could change the landscape of Vana'diel forever.

We were getting rid of the Adventurers.

All of you.

In one felled swoop.

That's right. We're sick of you stupid people coming to our places and kicking our asses.

Valkurm used to be a nice vacation spot, you know. Before you people moved in and ruined it.

Kind of hard to enjoy a picnic with your family when someone hits you with a ranged attack and starts yelling about "CHAIN 4!!!"

Idiots.

But finally things were going to change. It was going to be our world again.

Snap, Bitches!

Beastmen from the world over came to hear this orc genius speak. From every corner, they came in droves to witness history in the making.

We all piled into Monastic Cavern and anxiously awaited the news.

OrcishGenius>> Quiet down, everyone!
OrcishGenius>> Thank you all for coming.
OrcishGenius>> I stand before you at the cusp of a new day.
OrcishGenius>> The day of the BEASTMEN!

The crowd roared.

It's really not hard to get us going, honestly.

Yell "Free Beer" and we'll probably make you king.

OrcishGenius>> This day has been long in coming.
OrcishGenius>> I remember my first day as an orc.
OrcishGenius>> I logged into Ghelsba not knowing...
GoblinSmithy>> HEY!
GoblinSmithy>> Can we do this sometime this year?
GoblinSmithy>> I've got necks to stab, you know.
YagudoPrior>> Let him speak!
LamiaDancer>> YES!
LamiaDancer>> Let him speak!
OrcishGenius>> Please everyone!
OrcishGenius>> He has the right to be impatient.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn straight.
OrcishGenius>> He has suffered as we all have.
GoblinSmithy>> I have.
GoblinSmithy>> So much suffering.
GoblinSmithy>> The crimes against grammar alone...
OrcishGenius>> We feel for you, Smithy.
OrcishGenius>> We have all suffered too long.
GoblinSmithy>> TOO LONG!
GoblinSmithy>> Tell us your news!
OrcishGenius>> I will, Smithy.
OrcishGenius>> I have spent years pondering adventurers.
GoblinSmithy>> So have I.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> Pondering means "knife killing", right?
OrcishGenius>> ...
OrcishGenius>> Not so much.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> Go on then.
OrcishGenius>> After all of that study, I was rewarded.
OrcishGenius>> It finally came to me.
OrcishGenius>> The answer.
GoblinSmithy>> Will it be coming to us any time soon?
OrcishGenius>> Do you want to hear it?
Crowd>> Yes!
OrcishGenius>> Will you hear our answer?
Crowd>> YES!!!
OrcishGenius>> My friends, my compatriots, my brothers...
LamiaDancer>> HEY!
OrcishGenius>> ... And sisters...
OrcishGenius>> The plan has already been set into motion.

The crowd fell into stunned silence and then suddenly burst with excited whispers.

It's already happening.

GoblinSmithy>> What's the plan?
OrcishGenius>> My fellow orcs and I banded together...
OrcishGenius>> And started an online petition.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
Crowd>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... That had better be a joke.
OrcishGenius>> I'm not sure what you mean.
OrcishGenius>> We will destroy the adventurer scourge...
OrcishGenius>> With an online complaint!
GoblinSmithy>> Dear Altana, you're retarded.
OrcishGenius>> How could they ignore a petition?
OrcishGenius>> It's got signatures and stuff.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to stab you now.
GoblinSmithy>> I may or may not stop.

It got very ugly after that.

I went to work on him for a while. A long while.

When my stabbing arm got tired, a group of Gigas took over.

I don't think I'd define what they did to him as stabbing.

We're not big on constructive criticism.

Damned orcs.

Job Interview

As soon as I got to work today, I could tell something was going on.

All of the beastmen were talking.

Something big was going on.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, guys!
GoblinSmithy>> What's going on?
GoblinShaman>> They're hiring new NMs.
GoblinShaman>> Something about Beseiged...

Oh yeah. Damn right, baby.

These Notorious Monster positions don't come along very often and when they do, they always go to some big ugly dragon or something.

Not this time.

GoblinSmithy>> FINALLY!
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy gets his chance.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd make an awesome NM.
GoblinSmithy>> The job was made for me.
GoblinShaman>> I don't think that's how it works.
GoblinShaman>> Besides, you already have a job.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but being an NM would be sweet.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe I'll only spawn once a day.
GoblinShaman>> Smithy...
GoblinShaman>> Maybe you shouldn't...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> This is going to happen.

So, I ran and found a supervisor and put in my name for an interview.

He looked skeptical at first, but he quickly changed his mind.

I'm sure my sword had nothing to do with it.

Then came time for the interview.

Interviewer>> Thanks for coming in.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I drop something cool?
GoblinSmithy>> Like a sweet sword or something?
Interviewer>> Woah. Slow down.
Interviewer>> You don't have the job yet.
GoblinSmithy>> This is just a formality.
GoblinSmithy>> I was made to be an NM.
Interviewer>> Why would you say that?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I like murdering people.
GoblinSmithy>> I take pleasure in the pain of others.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm trained with many weapons.
GoblinSmithy>> I generally hate all other living things.
GoblinSmithy>> Also, I can use Microsoft Office.
Interviewer>> That's a nice skill set.
GoblinSmithy>> Thank you.
Interviewer>> But... I'll be honest with you.
Interviewer>> I'm a little doubtful.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I can accept constructive criticism.
Interviewer>> Then why are you sharpening your sword?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> No reason.
Interviewer>> Well...
Interviewer>> It's your look.
GoblinSmithy>> My look?
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong with "my look"?
Interviewer>> You just don't have that killer edge.
Interviewer>> You really don't inspire fear.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't?
Interviewer>> You're sharpening again.
GoblinSmithy>> Isn't that interesting?
GoblinSmithy>> What would give me "a killer edge"?
Interviewer>> I don't know. Something scary.
Interviewer>> Big teeth. Or wings.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait... I have an idea.
GoblinSmithy>> What if I were covered in idiot blood?
Interviewer>> I guess that could work.
Interviewer>> But where would you find that much idiot blood?

The interview kind of ended there.

I think he found it hard to ask me about my references after I stabbed him in the face.

I didn't even get a chance to tell him I could type 60 words a minute.

Making Amends

So, I decided it would be best if I made up with Shaman.

Sure, he gets me killed a lot, but that's usually accidental.

Having him and his Black Mage friends actively trying to kick my ass is much, much worse.

At least with the accidental deaths, I get all the fun of a surprise.

It's like a surprise party only with pain instead of cake.

But how exactly do you apologize for stabbing someone in the throat?

And dancing on them?

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

"Roses are red, Violets are blue,

I'm really sorry that I stabbed you in the trachea."

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

Anyway, I called Shaman and asked him to meet me in Yuhtunga Jungle. You know, a nice neutral spot where I can find lots of adventurers to use as meat shields.

Also, Tarus make excellent projectile weapons if need be. They're small enough to throw a good distance and the little bastards have pointy heads.

Not Galkas, though. Might as well try to throw a Buick.

It's not their size. Those guys are just as stupid as a Buick.

So, I head over to meet Shaman, but suddenly realized him and his friends could be waiting for me.

I grab a nearby Taru and lob him into the clearing.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV.

Damn. That midget never even hit the ground.

GoblinShaman>> DAMMIT!!!
GoblinShaman>> Where the hell are you, Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> Listen, man.
GoblinSmithy>> I want to talk to you.
GoblinShaman>> I don't want to talk to you.
GoblinShaman>> I want to light you on fire.
GoblinSmithy>> See... That's kind of a problem for me.
GoblinShaman>> That's rather the point.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm coming out.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't cast anything.
GoblinShaman>> Not big on suggestions today, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> But I came to apologize.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Did you say apologize?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I feel bad for killing you.
GoblinShaman>> That's just the third degree burns talking.
GoblinSmithy>> No, no.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm really sorry.
GoblinShaman>> And I should trust you because...
GoblinSmithy>> 'Cause we're friends?
GoblinShaman>> You stabbed me in the face.
GoblinSmithy>> Throat, actually.
GoblinShaman>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> The throat.
GoblinSmithy>> I stabbed you in the throat.
GoblinShaman>> Did I not burn you enough?
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry. Sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't we just put all of this behind us?
GoblinShaman>> I don't know.
GoblinShaman>> I'm still mad.
GoblinSmithy>> That's okay.
GoblinSmithy>> We can go take it out on Pathfinder.
GoblinShaman>> Ha ha.
GoblinShaman>> I suppose we could.
GoblinSmithy>> So... Are we cool?
GoblinShaman>> Yeah.
GoblinShaman>> We're cool.

We shook hands like goblins and decided to let bygones be bygones.

It's just best to put stuff like that behind you.

GoblinSmithy>> You know...
GoblinSmithy>> We're going to laugh about this someday.
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> Like me dancing on your dead body.
GoblinSmithy>> That was hilarious.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh damn.
GoblinSmithy>> Too soon?

Damn, damn, damn.

If that guy wasn't my best friend...

The Shaman Strikes Back

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that Shaman does not have a sense of humor.

So, I killed him. Big deal, right?

Sadly, the big crybaby didn't take it so well.

What kind of friend doesn't laugh when you horribly stab him in the throat and then dance on his corpse?

I mean, where's the love?

I was hanging out in Ordelle's today, hoping for a quiet shift.

Things were going normally when I felt a soft tap on my shoulder.

GoblinSmithy>> I swear to Altana, if you say "there's a path"...
GoblinShaman>> Hi, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Heya, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Glad to see you up and around.
GoblinShaman>> That's funny.
GoblinShaman>> Really. I'm laughing on the inside.
GoblinSmithy>> Considering how hard I stabbed you...
GoblinSmithy>> I'd guess you're bleeding on the inside.
GoblinShaman>> Yeah... Nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, come on.
GoblinSmithy>> I was just kidding around.
GoblinShaman>> I fail to see the humor.
GoblinShaman>> Maybe it's my taste in comedy.
GoblinShaman>> Or maybe it was the massive blood loss.
GoblinSmithy>> ... Ouch.
GoblinShaman>> I'm just wondering how stabbing me is funny.
GoblinShaman>> Could you explain that to me?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... You looked funny when you fell.
GoblinSmithy>> Plus, you landed on a Galka.
GoblinSmithy>> That shit was funny.
GoblinShaman>> Ha frickin' ha.
GoblinShaman>> My sides are splitting.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you'd like it.
GoblinShaman>> Could you do me another favor?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah. Sure.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you need?
GoblinShaman>> Could you explain the joke to my friends?
GoblinSmithy>> Wait... You have friends?
GoblinShaman>> Yup. My fellow Goblin Black Mages.
GoblinShaman>> They didn't find your joke so funny.

Oh damn.

I was in trouble. I mean, I could probably handle Shaman on my own, but not with his friends around.

What happened to honor among Goblins?

Now, I'm going to get torn to shreds by a horde of Shaman's friends.

Yippee.

Then I heard it. The quiet shuffle of steps behind me.

I was almost too scared to look. But, I knew it I had to, so I slowly turned around. And there stood...

A Goblin Gambler.

I was underwhelmed.

GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> That's it?
GoblinSmithy>> That's supposed to scare me?
GoblinShaman>> It doesn't?
GoblinSmithy>> Not so much.
GoblinSmithy>> He's like 15 levels lower than me.
GoblinSmithy>> What's he going to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Bleed on me to death?
GoblinShaman>> Well, darn.
GoblinShaman>> Looks like I lost again.
GoblinSmithy>> Nice try, Moron.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to get up pretty early to beat...

Goblin Doyen starts casting Fire IV.
Dread Dealing Dredodak starts casting Blizzard IV.
Goblin Gambler starts casting Fire.
Hermitrix Toothrot starts casting Thunder IV.
Hobgoblin Black Mage starts casting Fire IV.
Hobgoblin Fascinator starts casting Fire IV
Mysticmaker Profblix starts casting Thunder IV.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh shit.

So, I was burned, frozen, and electrocuted multiple times simulataneously.

Now, that shit isn't funny.

Nope. Not funny at all.

What's the word for it?

...

Oh yeah. It's pain.

Lots and lots of pain.

I don't think it could have gotten any worse.

GoblinPathfinder>> GET HIM, MR. PURRINGTON!

Ha ha ha.

Damn, I hate Shaman.

Smithy: The Revenge

Given yesterday's... misfortune, I was angry.

All I wanted was to take out my stress on a bunch of hapless n00bs and stab them to death.

Is that so much to ask?

But no. I go to Yuhtunga Jungle, rife with brainless adventurers, and I end up getting electrocuted to death.

Does that sound like a stress reliever?

So, today I woke up on a mission. I was going to kill as many n00bs as it took to make me feel better.

That would be a lot.

Now, where could I find a near endless supply of adventurers that would offer absolutely no resistance with almost no chance of high level players getting in the way?

Are you thinking Valkurm, too?

I know some of you may not play the game and you may not know what Valkurm Dunes is. Let me explain.

Imagine a long, flowing beach with golden sands and palm trees. You can practically smell the sea air.

Sounds nice, huh?

Now, imagine that same beach only littered with the bodies of absolute retards. This is the place where n00bs go to die.

Just zoning into the area makes your IQ drop by 30 points.

But, if you're trying to find some soft torsos to perforate, this is the place for you.

So, I decided to make a special trip to the dunes and bring an end to the age of men...

And Elvaan...

And Mithra...

Ah, hell. I was gonna kill me up some adventurer trash.

I grabbed a quick Teleport-Holla from a passing Quadav WHM and then walked South to Valkurm Dunes.

The very second I zoned in, a hush fell over the area. Battles being fought ground to a halt. Random shouts broke off into silence.

And then the sweetest four words...

Player>> OH SHIT!!! A SMITHY!!!

I'd feel bad for them if they were intelligent creatures.

Or if I actually cared.

Instead, I showed them a new landscape of pain. Adventurer after adventurer fell before my sword, broken and bloody.

I love vacations.

You'd think I'd get tired after a while.

You'd be wrong.

I just kept stabbing and stabbing and stabbing...

Did I mention the stabbing?

Hour after hour, I just walked the sands either killing a moron or looking for the next.

Sometimes, I'd wait by the zone line.

Player>> Level 11 RDM/BLM looking for party
GoblinSmithy>> (( Team Up? ))
Player>> OHSHIT!! AGGRO!!!

GoblinSmithy hits Player for 274 points of damage.
Player was defeated by GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> (( Disbanding Party. ))

I have to admit, it was a lot of fun.

And it made me feel so much better.

Nothing like wiping out an entire area to make you feel like a big man.

So there I was, dancing on a pile of mutilated adventurers. Each one uglier than the last.

Truly this is a monument to my greatness.

GoblinShaman>> Umm... Smithy?
GoblinShaman>> What are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hey, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't see you there.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing in Valkurm?
GoblinShaman>> I'm grabbing the vortex to Lufaise.
GoblinShaman>> What are you doing here?
GoblinSmithy>> Not much.
GoblinSmithy>> Just laying down some goblin justice.
GoblinShaman>> In Valkurm?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... yeah...
GoblinShaman>> But you're level 35.
GoblinShaman>> Isn't that a little sad?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinShaman>> You're killing people 20 levels below you.
GoblinShaman>> Couldn't get an appointment at a school for the blind?

Damn that Shaman and putting things in perspective.

He did have a point, though. There really wasn't much point murdering people 20 plus levels below me.

It's like kicking the shit out of a kindergarten class.

I'd been having so much fun. And now, it was all ruined.

There had to be something I could do to fix the situation.

And then it hit me...

So there I was, dancing on a pile of mutilated adventurers.

And one Goblin Shaman.

Playing With Fire

Do you know a great way to start your day?

Try putting rubbing alcohol on about 1400 scratches and bites in order to replace potential infection with immediate pain.

All the cool kids are doing it.

Well, after that fun, fun morning, I was in the mood to murder some people.

Murdering always puts me in a better mood.

Now, where would be the best place for me to find a bunch of idiots who are just asking to be killed?

I'm kidding.

That's what Yuhtunga Jungle is for.

See, there is a very important difference between Yuhtunga Jungle and Yhoator Jungle.

In Yhoator Jungle, parties are higher in level and can actually put up a pretty good fight. Some of the parties may even come after me by choice.

In Yuhtunga Jungle, the parties are lower in level and can barely fight their way out of a wet paper bag. In Yuhtunga, Smithy is synonomous with death.

While I'm often in the mood for a challenge, today is all about stress relief.

Stress relief and stabbing players to death.

So as soon as my shift starts, I head over to Yuhtunga Jungle.

Now, I could be a nice goblin and and set up camp in a far off tunnel.

Or I could hang out right at the zoneline where all the fresh meat n00bs come to party.

What do you think I decided to do?

The fun part of Yuhtunga Jungle is that there are only so many safe places to set up a camp. If all of these spots are taken, your group may have to find a "less safe" place to work.

And it just so happens one of these "less safe" places is right on top of one of my spawn points.

Seriously. You people make this too easy some days.

It was a busy day in the Jungle today and, of course, all of the good spots were taken.

One intrepid young group decided that leveling was worth the risk of camping near my hang out.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

They had to be educated.

I will give them credit, though. Those people were brave.

Not smart, but brave.

I mean, what kind of balls must it take to set up camp near someone who has made a career of killing people just like you?

Well... balls or mental deficiency.

Still, they were in my territory and I had to make sure they understood that.

GoblinSmithy>> Ahem.
GoblinSmithy>> Excuse me.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Hi...
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know where you are?
Player>> We're in Yuhtunga Jungle.
GoblinSmithy>> No, no, no.
GoblinSmithy>> You're in the United States of Smithy.
Player>> The what?
GoblinSmithy>> The United States of Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Have you not heard of us?
Player>> I can't say that I have.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... that is a problem.
Player>> Why?
Player>> Why is that a problem?
GoblinSmithy>> You have illegally entered our nation.
GoblinSmithy>> We frown upon this.
Player>> Frown?
GoblinSmithy>> Did I say "frown upon"?
GoblinSmithy>> I meant "murder people for".
Player>> But we're all the way over here.
Player>> We're not even bothering you.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry, but the law is the law.
GoblinSmithy>> Our king has ruled you must be executed.
Player>> There must be something we can do.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to help you out.
GoblinSmithy>> I really would.
GoblinSmithy>> But the King's word is law.
Player>> Who's your king?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... that'd be me.
Player>> So can't you let us go?
GoblinSmithy>> Sadly, no.
GoblinSmithy>> I can, however, stab you to death.
Player>> That doesn't sound very nice.
GoblinSmithy>> I would think not.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Why is he allowed to enter your country?
GoblinSmithy>> He?
GoblinSmithy>> He who?

HighLevelBlackMage starts casting Thunder IV.

GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
GoblinSmithy>> Stab first and then talk.

HighLevelBlackMage casts Thunder IV on GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy takes 3,724 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by HighLevelBlackMage.

GoblinSmithy>> No one respects a king anymore.

The other fun thing about Yuhtunga Jungle is that a lot of high level players will run through on their way to Norg.

High level players who don't like me very much.

Yeah...

Maybe fun isn't the right word for that...

Back To Business

Once I had recovered (and put on some pants), I realized I was late for work.

Actually... I was like five days late for work.

Also, I have a blurry memory of urinating on my boss's desk...

I may be more than late.

But, because I love my work, I headed off to Yuhtunga Jungle.

Somebody has to keep the little bastard adventurers in line. Might as well be me, right?

So, I'm doing my usual thing, stabbing eyes and removing spines, when Pathfinder walks up to me.

Apparently, he was not served for breakfast yesterday.

I'm not sure I was relieved to hear that.

Before I could really consider Pathfinder's entertainment value versus his possible nutritional value, he started to sob.

And by sob, I mean cry like a little girl with a skinned knee.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
GoblinPathfinder>> My new pet is mean.
GoblinSmithy>> Aw... poor wittle Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> Iz oo new bee scawing oo?
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not a bee.
GoblinSmithy>> Why would I care?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't give a damn if it's a hamster.
GoblinPathfinder>> But he's so mean to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I think he's trying to kill me.
GoblinSmithy>> Finally!
GoblinSmithy>> A pet I can work with.
GoblinPathfinder>> I miss Mr. Beeington.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh stop whining.
GoblinSmithy>> This reminds me of an old Chinese saying...
GoblinSmithy>> "Sometimes bees get stabbed to death."
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't think that's a saying.
GoblinSmithy>> It could be a saying.
GoblinSmithy>> It sure as hell fits our situation.
GoblinPathfinder>> C'mon, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need some help.
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have a degree in special education.
GoblinPathfinder>> SMITTY!

At that point, Pathfinder's crying became less funny and more annoying.

Something that makes Pathfinder even more annoying...

Someone call Ripley's.

But, given my already low tolerance for annoyance, I had to do something.

Something violent.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Show me this pet.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to train him?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> I am going to make him a little less alive.
GoblinPathfinder>> A little?
GoblinSmithy>> Did I say little?
GoblinSmithy>> I meant completely.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure...
GoblinSmithy>> Look, I'm going to kill your pet anyway.
GoblinSmithy>> You might as well benefit from it this time.
GoblinPathfinder>> I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Good.
GoblinSmithy>> Now where is the little pre-shishkabob?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, he wouldn't follow me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I had to leave him in Jugner Forest.
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine. We'll go over there and kill him.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yay!
GoblinSmithy>> Now, where's your car?
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... right. Flaming wreckage.
GoblinSmithy>> Sorry.

So we make our way to Jeuno and then across Batallia Downs and zone into Jugner Forest.

The whole trip, though, I'm trying to figure out what kind of pet Pathfinder could have found in Jugner.

A beetle?

A leech maybe?

Right as we zone in, Pathfinder runs off to find his pet while I start sharpening my "pet training equipment".

ie. my sword

GoblinPathfinder>> Here he is.
GoblinPathfinder>> Meet Mr. Purrington.

And here comes Pathfinder...

But that's not a Beetle with him.

It's not a leech either.

GoblinSmithy>> ... That's a tiger.
GoblinSmithy>> Perhaps you should have mentioned that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I told you that.
GoblinSmithy>> No. No, you didn't.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd remember you saying it was a tiger.
GoblinPathfinder>> I said it wasn't a bee.
GoblinSmithy>> There is a big difference between not a bee...
GoblinSmithy>> AND A GIANT FREAKIN' TIGER!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh...
GoblinPathfinder>> Sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe we should just back away slowly.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay. Be careful though.
GoblinPathfinder>> His friends are right behind you.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

Do you know what it feels like to get gangraped by a pack of angry, hungry tigers?

Up until this morning, I didn't either.

It was not enjoyable, FYI.

Where Did The Weekend Go?

I know there was a weekend.

Chronologically speaking, there pretty much had to be.

I remember there being a Thursday. I remember Thursday.

And then there was Friday morning. It was kind of blurry, but I remember Friday morning.

That was kind of fun.

Then things are just hazy after that.

Next thing I know, it's Monday morning, I'm not wearing any pants, and I'm lying next to the flaming wreckage of a Ford Pathfinder.

We must have had a great time.

Thursday night, we started partying.

And by partying, I mean drinking. Heavily.

We made Pathfinder stay sober, though. We needed someone to drive us around and he is the only one with a car.

He was the only one with a car.

There were New Year's parties going on everywhere, but we decided to head over to Castle O since that's where most people were hanging out.

It.

Was.

Insane.

Apparently, someone thought it would be funny to get a Mandragora stoned. Little guy just kept running in circles and putting half the room to sleep.

It was kind of cute.

Then he started beating the hell out of Pathfinder.

It was kind of cute.

Then I heard two beautiful, wonderful words that changed the course of history...

Open bar.

I tore through that bar like a sword through a Taru torso.

Things just got messy after that.

Luckily, the police report I was given has a pretty accurate list of the weekend's festivities.

Even the ones I don't remember.


Friday 1 am

- speeding through Rolanberry Fields in new looking Ford Pathfinder
- Shaman casting Fire III on random crawlers
- passengers may have been drinking

Friday 3 am

- found near a slightly damaged Ford Pathfinder
- Smithy and Shaman apparently convinced Pathfinder to attempt charming a Goobbue
- Pathfinder found severely bleeding
- passengers have been drinking

Friday 9 am

- 3 Goblins found passed out in Beadeaux
- one Goblin had been renamed to Pathfinder the Uneducated

Friday 5 pm

- several reports of flashers received from Mithras in Kazham
- descriptions match Goblins sighted Thursday night
- one pointy iron subligar found at scene

Friday 9 pm

- several taverns in San d'Oria were robbed of cash and large amounts of alcohol
- owners all suffered serious eye wounds
- badly damaged SUV seen speeding away

Saturday 2 am

- 3 Goblins seen driving through Valkurm Dunes
- 28 adventurers found run down by vehicle
- 27 had been urinated on
- last found with note reading "Sorry. Well ran dry."

Saturday 8 am

- Pathfinder found tied up and beaten in Maze of Shakrami
- apparently he'd had several hundred eyes painted on him

Saturday 12 pm

- heavily damaged SUV seen speeding through Rolanberry fields again
- 42 bazaars found run down and looted

Saturday 6 pm

- 3 Goblins seen running through Qufim
- Kraken chased them through zone screaming something about his mother

Saturday 9 pm

- Ogygos found burned to death in Delkfutt's Tower
- body was covered in Gigas socks and stab wounds

Sunday 3 am

- Goblin Smithy found in Yhoator Jungle stabbing a Blue Mage

Sunday 5 am

- Smithy found in Yhoator Jungle still stabbing Blue Mage

Sunday 8 am

- Smithy found in Yhoator Jungle stabbing unidentifiable corpse
- may have been a Blue Mage

Sunday 1 pm

- outpost guard found horribly, horribly murdered
- note reading "Where's your Garrison now, BITCH?" found on body

Sunday 7 pm

- SUV seen speeing through Beaucidine Glacier
- Goblins screaming "Linkin Park Sucks" out of windows
- vehicle was chased by Demons for several minutes before they gave up and went home to cry and cut themselves or something


The officers tell me that that's only what they could pin on us.

On the bright side, Shaman was cooking up a great breakfast over the flaming wreckage of Pathfinder's car.

I'm not quite sure where he got the meat to.

As I cannot find Pathfinder anywhere, he is either currently missing or currently being fried up with a side of eggs.

Best weekend ever.

I just wish I could remember it.

Technical Difficulties

Really sorry, guys.

I'm crazy, busy this weekend and just haven't had time to finish off the fan club pack.

Or make a decent blog update.

Yeah, yeah. I suck.

Things should calm down tomorrow, hopefully and the packs will be sent out.

Trust me. The funny is on the way.