WTF?

Perfect. Just perfect.

He's going to be impossible to live with now, you realize.

Sin Smithy

The rain poured from the sky as Smithy walked carefully through the Jungle. Every bough seemed to bend downward, drunk under the weight of the water.

A few wet fronds dragged across his mask, but he didn't notice. His eyes were focused only on his quarry.

He had been following this group for some time now. They were terribly lethal, as several Mandragoras could no doubt attest, but they were getting sloppy. Their technique was suffering as they began to tire.

Their latest opponent, yet another Mandragora in a string of grisly killings, fell to their onslaught.

Smithy would make them pay. He would make them pay for every last one.

All he had to do was wait for his opening. Smithy bided his time carefully. Then, as heleaned to crush a cigarette beneath his boot, he heard an almost lyrical sound as the perfect opportunity presented itself.

WhiteMage>> (( White Mage )) MP: 12/225 ---> 5%

Their White Mage, their only true hope in any real conflict, was out of mana.

The time was right.

Smithy sprung from the shadows like a bullet from the barrel of a gun. Before they could even register what was happening, two of their group had already been taken. A third would soon join them.

Their leader turned and ran. A coward.

Smithy ended the two remaining party members, two Taru mages, with a sweep of his sword. Their mystical chants died in their sliced throats, their magic dying with it.

He chased the leaer deeperinto the jungle. In his hurry to escape, he had apparently gotten turned around and was running aimlessly through the paths and caverns.

Smithy tracked him across half the jungle until finally finding him crouching at the base of a tree, shivering from the cold damp in his clothes.

He looked up at Smithy with wide pleading eyes and, just for a second, he saw a slight glimmer of mercy behind the cold darksteel of his mask.

But that second was only one, that moment of mercy only fleeting.

With an almost graceful flourish, Smithy swung his blade and delivered one last killing stroke. The coward died as cowards should, his back full against the Earth, his face full of tears.

Smithy quietly lit another cigarette and started his long walk back home.

Love On The Smithy

The waves crashed violently against the pier in Kazham, tossing ocean spray up into the crystal blue sky.

And there, across a haze of sea mist, Smithy spotted a beautiful Hume woman leaning back gently to languish in the sun.

Her blond hair cascaded down across her face and she lifted one porcelain hand to move it back into place. As her hand fell from the gentle slope of her brow, she let it slide along the curve of her cheek and then down the side of her body.

Smithy felt his heart surge upward, wishing he could be that mist that enveloped her so. Her beauty transcended the mere physical and his very being ached to see more of her.

With his heart beating savagely at the confines of his chest, Smithy started to slowly make his way toward her. With each step, his heart seemed to raise in tempo.

He had to have her.

As he approached, an unusually strong wave crashed hard against the wooden dock and sent a cold spray toward her. Her laughter seemed to fill the very air, itself, and Smithy's mind pulsed with the rhythm of her voice.

Suddenly, it was all too much for him. The mist, the waves, her hair, her laughter. It overcame him.

He rushed up to her and wrapped his muscular arms around her, his chest heaving as the touch of her supple skin left him breathless. He pressed his body against her ample bosom and leaned her back, cradling her.

As he held her, one hand at the small of her back, the other resting gently on her hip, he leaned in slowly so that their lips could finally meet.

Player>> AGGRO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't fight it.
GoblinSmithy>> We were meant to be together.
Player>> wha?!
Player>> dood! WTF r u doin?!
GoblinSmithy>> I want... I need to kiss you.
Player>> rofl
Player>> dood, i'm a guy.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What?
Player>> dood, that's sooooo gay.

As her/his body sank beneath the waves, Smithy felt his heart ache as the last pieces of his heart were broken.

Must like her/his trachea.

Love hurts.

A Haiku

Face down on cold ground
Party wipe at Smithy hands
White Mage tried to pull

Fan Club Update

It's fan club week again. I realize this post is a little late and that was intentional.

The recent Pathfinder's mother story was written in a much different style. Rather than try and put everything into a comedic light, I decided to try something new.

I thought this week would be fun to try a whole bunch of different writing styles. Romance, Adventure, Mystery...

Others...

Each story would still have the same Smithy feel to them, but would be new and interesting (hopefully).

Feel free to suggest writing styles you'd like to see. I'll be more than happy to try any style you suggest.

Also, that's what your girlfriend said.

Just kidding.

Also, remember that everyone who donates at least five dollars to help me out becomes a member of the fan club receives a free giftpack including new, exclusive stories, wallpapers, fun pictures, etc, etc, etc.

Basically, whatever I can throw together to show you guys how cool you are.

So, let me know what styles you'd like to see and I'll get to writing.

Note: Anyone who suggests erotica will be immediately shot.

Back To Business

The air was especially sweet in Yhoator today.

It's funny. You get killed over and over and over again in a place and you forget how nice the place is.

It really is a beautiful jungle. The trees are lush and tropical and give the entire place an exotic atmosphere. A gentle mist always hangs over the trees. And the waterfall is just breath-taking.

Just standing there, looking up at that expanse of emerald trees, I realized how special this place really is. It's a verdant oasis beset with battle and death.

As I was quietly pondering the quiet beauty of the jungle, a group of adventurers appeared from around a corner and set up camp not far away.

Loud adventurers.

Player1>> OMG!
Player1>> I can't believe you got lost!
Player2>> Shut up!
Player3>> Oh come on.
Player3>> It's his first time here.
Player1>> Yeah, but he was halfway to Norg.
Player2>> I took a wrong turn.
Player4>> You took seven wrong turns.
Player1>> LOL
Player3>> Haha
Player2>> That's not funny.

Ugh.

Something had to be done. I couldn't let them spoil the gentle, serenity of my jungle.

Plus, a little splash of red on the ground might make a nice touch.

I'm the Martha Stewart of mass murder.

GoblinSmithy>> Good afternoon. Welcome to Yhoator.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be your killer today.
Player1>> OH CRAP!
Player1>> AGGRO!
GoblinSmithy>> The special today is eye stabbings.
GoblinSmithy>> Would you like some screaming and crying to start?
Player2>> Voke it! Voke it!
GoblinSmithy>> Might I suggest the sampler?
Player3>> Should we zone it?
Player5>> We're too far!
GoblinSmithy>> It comes with your choice of soup.

I went to work on them and one by one they started to fall. The White Mage went first and then their tank.

My body was pulsing with energy. It felt as if the jungle itself had lent me its force so that I could protect it.

And I would.

After the past few days, I wouldn't let anyone hurt this wonderful, beautiful land. This jungle was too precious to spoil.

GoblinSmithy>> FOR YHOATOR!!!

I leaned back preparing for the final killing blow. Their last standing member was about to taste the cold steel of my...

Wait... Did something just go thud?

I turned around and saw a White Lizard standing behind me. Then, I noticed the mark where I had accidentally hit him.

Then, I saw ten of his friends standing right behind him.

Do you know what's fun?

Not getting gangraped by a bunch of angry lizards, that's for sure.

...

I hate this damned jungle.

She Brought You Into This World... - Vol. 2

I woke up with a blazing headache. I tried to open my eyes, but the lids were heavy and I started to swim in and out of consciousness.

Between the quiet depths of sleep, I could hear crying.

Always crying.

When I finally managed to bring myself out of it, I found myself tied up, laying on the cold rock of a cellar.

The slowly expanding pool of crimson beneath me did nothing to calm my nerves.

Pathfinder was sitting against the far wall, curled into the fetal position. His body looked none the worse for wear, but his eyes told a different story.

His eyes were... broken.

The usual glaze of stupidity that had always clouded Pathfinder's eyes was gone. Now, there was only stark, terrible understanding.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit, man! Wake up!
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Mommy's mad.

There was something in that voice. Something I didn't like.

I had to get him back and quickly.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder, snap out of it.
GoblinSmithy>> We need to get free.
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh uh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mommy said no.

That's when I noticed something odd.

He wasn't tied up.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Get over here and untie me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I... I can't.
GoblinSmithy>> DAMMIT, YOU MORON!
GoblinSmithy>> GET OVER HERE!
GoblinPathfinder>> Sssshhhhhhh.
GoblinPathfinder>> You'll wake her.

Suddenly, there came the sound of footsteps from above us.

Mommy was up.

Yay.

Pathfinder started to shake and a pool began to form beneath him. I started to wonder if maybe he'd been hurt and I hadn't noticed. Then the smell hit me.

He had wet himself.

Yeah... I'm soooo glad we decided to hide here.

A door opened and then I heard footsteps descending the stairs. Angry footsteps.

I was just trying to pivot my body on the floor when a foot came down hard against the side of my head.

MrsPathfinder>> You're the one.
MrsPathfinder>> You're the one what took my boy away.
GoblinSmithy>> I took the what now?
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't take your boy.
MrsPathfinder>> You taught him to run off and adventure.
GoblinSmithy>> That was so not me.
GoblinSmithy>> Most of the time, I'm telling him to go the hell home.
MrsPathfinder>> LIAR!
MrsPathfinder>> LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

She punctuated every word with a sharp kick to my head. I could feel the darkness trying to slide back in across my eyes, but I fought it off.

If I passed out, I was likely not going to wake up.

Hmm... Maybe I should try to be subtle with her.

GoblinSmithy>> Listen, Bitch...

Or not.

You know, whatever.

GoblinSmithy>> I didn't teach your boy anything.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't even like him.
GoblinSmithy>> But maybe he had a reason to run away.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe it was... Hmmm... I don't know...
GoblinSmithy>> The fact that you're freakin' insane.

Do you know what hurts? Getting kicked in the face.

That hurts.

MrsPathfinder>> NO!
MrsPathfinder>> You made him do it!
MrsPathfinder>> You made him leave me!
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't do shit, lady.
GoblinSmithy>> He ran away.
GoblinSmithy>> Apparently, he's not as retarded as I thought.
MrsPathfinder>> Don't you say that.
GoblinSmithy>> He's happy.
GoblinSmithy>> He has friends.
GoblinSmithy>> Not me... But that bee of his seems nice.
MrsPathfinder>> The bee!
MrsPathfinder>> THE BEE!!!
MrsPathfinder>> I'm going to kill that little bastard!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah... That's been done.
GoblinSmithy>> A lot.
MrsPathfinder>> I'm going to squash him like... like...
GoblinSmithy>> A bug?
MrsPathfinder>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Somebody's getting cranky.

She started kicking me again. Again and again and again.

I was futilely trying to roll away from her when I looked up into her eyes. They were burning, burning with insane rage.

Then...

Then there was a loud clang followed by a sharp metallic thud. Her eyes went blazing to blank in one instant.

And there behind her was Pathfinder. He was holding a large, metal pipe that was slick with fresh blood.

He had saved me. He had risked his life to save me.

GoblinPathfinder>> No one is going to hurt Mr. Beeington.

Okay...

He had inadvertantly saved me.

Doesn't matter to me. As long as I'm still breathing, it's all cool with me.

We didn't talk. He came over and untied me and then quietly walked upstairs. He walked as a man who had dropped a heavy burden that he had carried for years.

Watching him go up those stairs, I didn't hate Pathfinder in that moment.

He lead the way out of this darkness.

And I followed.

Well... I stopped long enough to kick the bitch's teeth in. That was nice.

Sigh...

Stupid gloves.

Below you will find last night's update. You can even see from the time stamp that it was done last night.

Unfortunately, if you hit the "Save As Draft" button, it saves it as a draft instead of publishing it.

I mean, what the hell?

She Brought You Into This World...

Having managed to free Pathfinder from the prison that he actively chose to put himself into (Altana, that gets dumber every time I think about it), we had to lay low for a few days.

The last thing we need would be to get caught and thrown back in.

I suppose it could be worse.

I heard one guy got sent over to Warcraft.

That shit is just cold.

If we were going to avoid getting seen, we had to find a place to hide out.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know any place we can hide?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well...
GoblinPathfinder>> We could hide in the last place they'd expect.
GoblinSmithy>> Dear Altana! That was down right logical.
GoblinSmithy>> That's actually a good idea.
GoblinPathfinder>> I thought so.
GoblinSmithy>> So where did you have in mind?
GoblinPathfinder>> We should hide...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah?
GoblinPathfinder>> In the prison.
GoblinPathfinder>> Huh? What do you think?
GoblinSmithy>> I think you may actually have gotten dumber.
GoblinSmithy>> If such a thing were possible.
GoblinPathfinder>> Fine.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why don't you come up with something better.
GoblinPathfinder>> You big meanie.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to have to.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, where would we be safe?

Then it struck me.

I already knew where to go. Pathfinder's mom's house.

She'd take care of us and let us stay with her until the heat blew over.

It was perfect.

GoblinSmithy>> Follow me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Where're we going?
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Just shut up and walk.

It wasn't very far, but I made sure to circle around a few times to throw off our trail.

GoblinPathfinder>> This place looks familiar.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do I know this place?
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, you're retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> Just come on.

I grabbed his arm and dragged him inside. There was a fire lit and the whole room was washed in it's amber glow.

Pathfinder was no doubt thrilled to be home again.

I turned to explain it to him, when I caught the look in his eyes.

It wasn't exactly joy.

It wasn't even remotely joy.

It was terror.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why did you bring me here?
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Your mom said...
GoblinPathfinder>> My mom?
GoblinPathfinder>> MY MOM?!!!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
GoblinPathfinder>> We have to get out of here!

I don't usually listen to Pathfinder, but the was something in his voice that I couldn't argue with.

I've heard terror before. Believe you, me.

I turned toward the door and was just about to run when I felt something crash into the back of my skull.

Everything went dark.

And, as I fell into unconsciousness, I heard Pathfinder.

I heard him screaming.

TO BE CONTINUED *DUN DUN DUNNNNNN*

FREEDOM!!!

I am once again roaming the open countryside of Vana'diel.

The escape went better than I had hoped. I had planned on Pathfinder dying a horribly bloody death, but he managed to survive.

Maybe better is too strong a term.

Everything started out as planned. We gathered outside my cell after dinner and waited for the perfect moment.

Shift change.

Every evening, the guards changed shifts. Unfortunately, there were twice as many guards nearby, but they'd be disorganized and unprepared.

When the time came, we set our plan into action.

Pathfinder charmed a guard and set him loose on the rest. One second, they're talking about last night's game and the next, they're trying to kill each other.

Perfect.

Next, I sent the demons in to clear a path for us.

GoblinPathfinder>> Did you say a path?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut the hell up.

We made our way toward the yard. All hell had broken loose and no one really seemed to be paying us any attention.

The yags were setting the pace in front and I had the orcs tag along behind us so that:

a) they couldbe brought forward in case of emergency

b) they could be left behind at my leisure

Things were going perfect.

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.

Yeah. Nothing says perfect plan like watching your back up get lit on fire.

Seems I had underestimated our guards. While the guys inside were busy getting their asses kicked by their union rep, they had a full alliance of Black Mages waiting for us at the gate.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh crap.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do we do now?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd assume we die.
GoblinSmithy>> Why don't you go first?

I was all ready to get set ablaze when something interesting happened.

The orcs swarmed past us and ran head long into the Black Mages.

Well... They ran head long toward the Black Mages.

I'll give the guys points for enthusiasm, but I really don't think they thought that plan through entirely.

Maybe I shouldn't have told them to run towards the light.

They had barely made it a few steps in front of us when the Mages started casting again. I tackled Pathfinder to the ground and rolled him just outof their range.

Okay... It wasn't so much a tackle as me diving and accidentally hitting Pathfinder on the way.

We managed to make it out of the range of the spell, so we didn't get set on fire.

We did, however, have a horde of charred orc corpses fall on us.

Do you have any idea how bad orcs smell when they haven't been lit on fire?

Multiply that by a thousand.

Luck seemed to be with us though. The smell was so terrible that the guards wouldn't even come near the pile of bodies.

When dark came and the guards moved inside, we just got up and walked out.

Anti-climax for the win.

Honestly, that would have been truamatic enough. Then, as we walked away, I looked back at the prison.

There in the window was Pathfinder's old cellmate.

And he was crying.

Ew.

Still, we were free and the air was sweet.

At least, I assume it's sweet.

We spent hours under a pile of charred, reeking flesh.

Charred, reeking orc flesh.

Yeah, if you need me, I'll be showering for the next week or so.

The Great Escape

Unfortunately, after my "voluntary parole", the prison guards had cracked down pretty hard. Everything pointy had been confiscated.

They even took my subligar.

Now, I really doubt I would have tried to murder a guard with my groin, but I have to give the guys props for planning ahead. Even I do not know the full depths of my murderous rage and it is entirely possible I may have resorted to the Tea Bagging of DOOM!

Guard>> C'mon, Smithy.
Guard>> Give me your best shot!
GoblinSmithy>> That's what your wife said.
Guard>> Wait...
Guard>> What are you...
Guard>> STOP RAPING MY FACE!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Your wife said that, too.

Yeah, I don't think I'd go that far right now, but after a couple of days sharing a cell with Pathfinder, I'm getting there.

I caught him watching me sleeping last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was just standing there watching me.

GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> Nothing.
GoblinPathfinder>> Just watching you sleep.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> That's something.
GoblinSmithy>> Something creepy.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not creepy.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, it is.
GoblinSmithy>> Stop watching me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinPathfinder>> Can you tell me a story?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Sure.
GoblinSmithy>> There once was a guy named Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> Then one day he got stabbed in the face.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm going to sleep now.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought so.
GoblinPathfinder>> Night, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut the hell up.

Do you know how hard it is to get back to sleep after that?

REAL DAMN HARD!

Maybe if I had my subligar to defend against a sudden (( Sneak Attack ))...

I really need to get out of here.

I mean, who's controlling the adventurer population while I'm in here?

The jungles are no doubt anarchy by now, n00bs running free and unstabbed.

Just thinking about it sickens me.

Tonight...

Tonight will be the escape.

I've managed to fashion a make shift weapon using some paper clips and a rubber band.

When it comes to making weapons, I could make MacGuyver look retarded.

I also managed to put together a good group of guys to pull this off. I’ve got demons for brute muscle, a few yagudos for their speed, and a handful of orcs just in case we need something to stand between us and gunfire.

Things are looking good.

This had better work.

It’ll be horribly ironic if I went through all of this trouble just to end up murdering Pathfinder for being retarded.

I really deserve sainthood for this.

Well… Maybe if it weren’t for all of the killing. They tend to frown on that.

Back In The Big House

When I stepped back onto D block, the place quickly went quiet.

Yeah, they may be killers, but they know better than to mess with Smithy. Even the guards were trying to keep their distance.

That's respect.

Then I heard it, very quiet and far off in the distance.

I heard someone crying.

Gee, I wonder who that could be.

I walked slowly down the main corridor until I came to Pathfinder's cell. There he was, curled up in the corner and blubbering like a little girl.

Now, I have no idea why, but he was wearing a blond wig and what appeared to be red lipstick.

I decided it would be better not to ask. There's probably no answer he could give me that wouldn't make me want to stick a knife in my eye.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?

Silence.

He didn't even look up. He just sat there, broken and crying.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Vana'diel to Pathfinder. Over.

Silence.

It was obvious that I'd have to take more drastic measures.

i.e. I'd have to slap that bitch around.

GoblinSmithy>> Sorry, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> This hurts you more than it does me.

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder!
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder!

*SLAPSLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Snap out of it!

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Come on, man!
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> Smithy...
GoblinPathfinder>> Is that you?

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> HEY!
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm awake!

*SLAPSLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> STOP IT!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... You're awake.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't realize.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> At least you came back for me.

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> KNOCK IT OFF!
GoblinSmithy>> Just making sure.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't be too careful.

And then, before I could stop him, he started to tell me what had happened to him.

Apparently, his cellmate had gotten "friendly" shortly after I left and the past few days had been a hell of sexual abuse.

Note to self: put knife in eye.

Honestly, Pathfinder might be a pain in the ass (no pun intended), but even he didn't deserve that.

I picked the guy up and started to walk him down toward my cell.

GoblinSmithy>> Which one was your cellmate, by the way?

Pathfinder raised one shaking hand and pointed down the hall.

His cellmate was an Ochu.

For those of you not familiar with Ochus, imagine a giant green octopus with razor sharp fangs and really bad breath.

Ouch.

GoblinPathfinder>> This is a bad, bad place.

As I dropped him onto one of the bunks in my cell, he went quiet again, but for a second I could have sworn I heard him say one last thing...

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm so never watching Hentai again.

...

If you'll excuse me, I need to go stick a knife where my brain used to be.

Smithy Attempts To Get Arrested - Vol. 2

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I've been trying to get arrested for two days straight.

I figured the easiest way to get arrested (given the fact that the drooling morons in Bastok are too retarded to arrest a murderer) was to go to the most up-tight, anal retentive city on the planet.

So, I'm in San d'Oria...

Rather than beat around the bush, I figured I might as well go for the gold. Subtlety does not seem to be one of my strong suits.

Why kill nameless citizens when you can go right for royalty?

I snuck into Chateau d'Oraguille and thought I was doing a damned good job being all stealthy when...

Halver>> Excuse me?
Halver>> Yes... You there.

Oh crap.

Halver>> What are you doing here?

Think fast, think fast, think fast.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm...

Think faster.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm... Prince Trion.

Bra-frickin'-vo.

Halver>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> I said I'm... an adventurer.

Here it comes. They caught me and now I have to fight my way out.

Halver>> Oh...
Halver>> Okay, then.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> That's it?
Halver>> Why?
Halver>> Is there something wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> I was expecting a little more suspicion.
Halver>> You say you're an adventurer.
Halver>> Good enough for me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously?
Halver>> Yeah, sure.
Halver>> Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Cool, I guess.
Halver>> Later.
GoblinSmithy>> Later.

This was going to be much easier than I thought.

Halver>> WAIT A SECOND!!!

Dammit. Why do I have to think things like that?

I dropped my hand to my sword. They might take me, but dammit some people are going to die doing it.

Halver>> Could you do me a favor?
GoblinSmithy>> A favor?
GoblinSmithy>> Sure.
Halver>> Prince Trion is a little lonely.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hell no.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't swing that way.
Halver>> What?
Halver>> Oh... No, that's not what I meant.
Halver>> Prince Trion needs a woman.
GoblinSmithy>> And?
Halver>> Could you go out and find a woman for him?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you kidding?
Halver>> No.
Halver>> He's far too busy to go and find his own woman.
GoblinSmithy>> Busy doing what?
Halver>> Playing WoW.
Halver>> He's trying to get an epic mount.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sure any lady will jump at that.
Halver>> So, will you do it?
GoblinSmithy>> Will I get to meet the prince?
Halver>> Yeah, sure.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me an hour.
Halver>> Oh... Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> What now?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want me to pick up your dry cleaning?
Halver>> N0, no, no.
Halver>> We have Mithras who do that.
GoblinSmithy>> What then?
Halver>> Well... Trion is kind of picky.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
Halver>> The woman has to be a hume.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> how hard could it be to find a hume?
Halver>> A blond hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> A blond hume.
Halver>> With a ponytail.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> With a ponytail.
GoblinSmithy>> Got it.
Halver>> Named Stephanie.
GoblinSmithy>> What?!
Halver>> And born in November.
GoblinSmithy>> OH COME ON!
Halver>> And not too bitchy.
Halver>> I'm going to have to throw the bitch out in the morning.
Halver>> I don't want too much trouble.
GoblinSmithy>> Heaven forbid.
Halver>> Do you have all that?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> A blond yada yada yada.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm on it.
Halver>> Good.
Halver>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> No problem.
Halver>> Wait.
Halver>> One more thing.
GoblinSmithy>> What now?
GoblinSmithy>> Blue eyes?
GoblinSmithy>> Big tits?
GoblinSmithy>> What else do you want?
Halver>> ...
Halver>> Could you pick me up a sandwich?

Good news is that apparently you can get thrown in jail for killing Halver.

Let the prince go get his own chicks.

Smithy Attempts To Get Arrested - Vol. 1

Okay, if there was ever a mission I was born for, it was this one.

I mean, I kill people on a regular basis. And occasionally on an irregular basis.

Sometimes a down right obscene basis.

Getting sent to jail should be a piece of cake.

Now, I didn't want too much trouble. I simply wanted to get arrested and thrown in jail. No messing around with due process or rights or anything.

I needed to find a bunch of people that were big and stupid.

So, I'm in Bastok...

I figure the easiest way for me to get sent to jail is to just kill somebody. Like my dad always used to say, go with your strengths.

Hmmm... Who can I kill?

Hey, look. A Taru named Shorty.

If that doesn't deserve a knife to the trachea, I don't know what does.

I quietly snuck behind the fountain. Then, I slid up behind a Galka NPC. He'll never see me coming.

Wait...

I'm trying to get caught.

Kind of takes all the fun out of homicide, but whatever. I just walk up and stab the guy in the face.

As soon as he hit the ground, the entire area went apeshit.

Perfect. I'll be in jail before lunch.

A Galka stepped up to me. He was clearly in shock.

Player1>> Holy shit!
Player1>> What happened?!
Player2>> I don't know.
Player2>> I think he's dead.
Player1>> Obviously, he's dead.
Player1>> He's laying in the middle of the street.
Player1>> I don't think that was in question.
Player3>> You did say "What happened?!"
Player3>> Technically, it suggests you don't know anything.
Player1>> Yeah, but we can assume I'd know he was dead.
Player1>> People don't just lie down in the street.
Player2>> I couldn't make that assumption.
Player3>> Honestly, I can see it going either way.
Player3>> Perhaps we should agree to disagree.
Player1>> I suppose we could do that.

I'm not exactly known for patience.

GoblinSmithy>> Doesn't anyone care how he died?
Player1>> Not really.
Player3>> I can't say I do.
Player2>> He's a Taru.
Player2>> Maybe someone sneezed on him.
Player3>> Maybe he equipped an Astral Ring.
Player1>> I still think him being dead can be accepted as a given.
Player3>> You made an assumption.
Player3>> As such, you have to accept that it may be false.
GoblinSmithy>> OH COME ON!
GoblinSmithy>> HE'S DEAD!
Player2>> Shhhh. We're talking.
Player2>> Now, I answered the question you asked.
Player2>> There was no spoken clarification.
Player1>> That's beside the point.

Dammit.

I wanted stupid people, not functionally retarded people.

It's not like I'm enjoying this.

Okay... I did kind of enjoy the stabbing.

Who doesn't?

Still, I don't exactly have all day, so I took matters into my own hands.

Except replace "took" with "put".

And "matters" with "my sword".

And "my own hands" with "the Galka's neck".

Now, I'll get to jail.

Player3>> What happened to him?!
Player2>> He's dead.
Player3>> Of course he's dead.
Player3>> He fell down.
Player2>> But you asked what happened.
Player3>> Actually, I asked what happened to him.
Player3>> That suggests I was asking about the cause.
Player3>> Not the result.
Player2>> Now, you're just playing semantics.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Doesn't anyone care how he died?!
Player3>> Oh, that...
Player3>> That happens all the time.
Player2>> Yeah.
Player2>> He probably forgot to breathe.
Player2>> He is a Galka, you know.
Player3>> Was.
Player2>> What?
Player3>> He was a Galka.
Player3>> Not is.
Player2>> The past tense is implied.
Player2>> We both know he's dead.
Player3>> I don't argue thatit's implied.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!!
Player2>> Woah, woah, woah.
Player3>> What's your problem?
GoblinSmithy>> Whoever talks next gets a knife in the eye.
Player3>> Whomever.
GoblinSmithy>> GRRRAAAAUGGHHHHHHHH!!!

By the time I was done, there was no one left to arrest me.

And because of this stupidity, Pathfinder has to spend another day in prison getting beaten and abused.

That's it, Smithy. Look on the bright side.

Mrs. Pathfinder

Once I had escaped from prison, I needed to hide out.

Well... I assumed I needed to hide out. That's what they do in the movies. You break out and then you hide. Occasionally, there's some witty banter and maybe a car chase.

My plan was foolproof.

Unfortunately, finding a hiding spot proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

Apparently, killing scores of adventurers and beastmen on a near daily basis makes you stick out in a crowd.

I went to Jeuno and everyone started screaming.

San d'Oria, screaming.

Bastok, screaming.

Windurst... Well, the Tarus just kind of wet themselves. Still, it made it a little awkward.

I was trying to figure out my next move, when I heard the rumble of approaching footsteps. It was either the prison guards coming to get me, or a horde of Garrison NPCs bearing down on me.

Either way, I had to find a hiding spot and fast.

I glanced to the side and noticed a little cottage hidden amongst the trees, so I quickly ducked inside.

GoblinSmithy>> Damn, that was close.
MrsPathfinder>> Well, hello there.

What's this? Did I accidentally stumble into Pathfinder's house and run into his new wife?

No.

It was his mom, MrsPathfinder.

Yeah, imagine Pathfinder in an apron. That's about it.

MrsPathfinder>> How are you today, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> You know who I am?
MrsPathfinder>> Of course I do.
MrsPathfinder>> My son is always talking about you.
GoblinSmithy>> He is?
GoblinSmithy>> That's...
GoblinSmithy>> That's a little frightening, I gotta say.
MrsPathfinder>> Oh, he's always going on about you.
MrsPathfinder>> All the trouble you two get in.
GoblinSmithy>> He tells you everything?
GoblinSmithy>> How much of everything?
GoblinSmithy>> I really don't like leaving witnesses.
MrsPathfinder>> Haha.
MrsPathfinder>> Pathy was right. You are a kidder.
GoblinSmithy>> That's me.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm a regular comedian.
MrsPathfinder>> I've been meaning to thank you, by the way.
GoblinSmithy>> Thank me?
GoblinSmithy>> For what?
MrsPathfinder>> For watching out for my boy.
MrsPathfinder>> You may not know this, but he's not the smartest.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm shocked.
GoblinSmithy>> This is how I look when I'm surprised.
MrsPathfinder>> He's always been a special child.
GoblinSmithy>> You left out the "ed".
MrsPathfinder>> What did you say, sweetie?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Nothing.
MrsPathfinder>> I'm just glad he has someone like you.
MrsPathfinder>> Someone to look out for him.
GoblinSmithy>> He said I look out for him?
MrsPathfinder>> Of course.
MrsPathfinder>> You're his best friend.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit!
GoblinSmithy>> Now, I have to go and save him.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks alot.

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!

Now, I have to go back in there and get Pathfinder out.

Stupid old lady with the being nice and the guilt.

I may have to stab her yet. I'm undecided.

That'll have to wait, though, because I have to figure out a way to get sent back to jail.

Yeah, I'm really happy about where my life is right now.

I'M FREE!!!

Free at last! Free at last! Thank Altana, free at last!

I have escaped!

Oh, man. I was starting to lose my mind in there.

The solitude.

The isolation.

The guys trying to have sex with you.

In retrospect, the solitude and isolation weren't that bad.

And then Pathfinder had to get thrown in here. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be stuck in an eight by ten cell with that moron?

I can still hear him singing Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.

And he never went down a number. Always Ninety-Nine.

For twenty-four hours straight.

Straight.

Straight.

I'm surprised I only killed him the one time.

How did I escape, you ask?

I don't care if you didn't actually ask it. It's my blog. Shut the hell up.

We were exercising in the yard and I noticed the guards were a little on edge.

All I needed was a distraction.

There was a group of Quadavs nearby and a few Orcs next to me.

Easy.

GoblinSmithy>> HEY! YOU!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU UGLY NINJA TURTLE WANNABE!

Then I just pointed at the Orcs and let nature take it's course.

As the riot ensued, I made my way toward the nearest gate. I was home free.

Except for one guard.

Dammit.

GoblinPathfinder>> What do we do now, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean "we"?
GoblinSmithy>> "You" go over there and die.
GoblinPathfinder>> C'mon, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> I can help.
GoblinSmithy>> How can you...

An idea.

GoblinPathfinder>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> What are you DOING?!
GoblinPathfinder>> MR. BEEINGTON!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> NNUUUUUOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!

You know, fashioning a knife from a living bee is not as hard as you think.

Hello, one make shift Hornetneedle.

A few quick jabs and the guard was no longer an obstacle.

Well... we did have to step over his mutilated corpse.

GoblinSmithy>> There. I'm free.
GoblinPathfinder>> *sniffle*
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you, Mr. Beeington.
GoblinPathfinder>> You gave your life so I could live.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... That reminds me.

*STAB*

I never get tired of killing that guy.

Life On The Inside

Prison isn't an easy life.

The computers are dial up. We only get basic cable. And each cell has an Xbox.

Not even a 360.

It's like a third world country.

I was starting to give in to despair when a familiar face showed up.

It was Pathfinder.

Then I really gave up hope.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> You're alive!
GoblinSmithy>> Unfortunately, so are you.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I came to break you out.
GoblinSmithy>> How'd you sneak in here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I didn't sneak in.
GoblinPathfinder>> I got myself arrested.
GoblinSmithy>> I always knew stupidity was a crime.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> I robbed a bank like the guy on Prison Break.
GoblinSmithy>> And you got arrested?
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh huh.
GoblinSmithy>> Brilliant.
GoblinSmithy>> What's the next step in your plan?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure yet.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll have to wait until the next episode.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> The next episode?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah. I had to download the first episode.
GoblinPathfinder>> For the bank plan.
GoblinSmithy>> And...
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't worry.
GoblinPathfinder>> The second episode is downloading right now.
GoblinSmithy>> Downloading where exactly?
GoblinPathfinder>> My computer.
GoblinSmithy>> Your computer?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Your computer at home?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll wait for you to figure out the problem.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Come here.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.

I don't think Pathfinder will ever be the same after that.

At least, let's hope.

I'm Alive!

Oh Altana! I didn't think I was going to make it.

I've been in solitary confinement since the last time I updated.

After I was transferred to Vana'diel's maximum security prison, I was not pleased with the conditions.

They only had... Oh Altana, it makes me sick to even think of it...

They only had dial up.

Savages.

I realize we were being incarcerated for murder, but that's no reason to treat us like animals.

Dial up... Ugh.

Anyway, I decided that the only way to rectify the situation was to express my displeasure and submit some constructive criticism.

Apparently, they don't consider stabbing a guard to death with a toothbrush to be "constructive".

The Man's always trying to keep a Smithy down.

And that's how I ended up in solitary.

For three days.

It wasn't actually that bad. I spend most of my days dealing with some of the most retarded people on our planet.

A few days of quiet isn't exactly a punishment.

Today, when they finally let me go back to my cell, one of the guards came and told me I had a visitor.

Huh... I didn't know who the hell would be visiting me.

Maybe Shaman was here to put me out of my misery.

I could see it now.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman!!
GoblinSmithy>> Are you going to Warp 2 me back to my HP?
GoblinShaman>> ... Sort of.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ... You're a saint.

But, no.

I get to the visitation room and guess who's waiting for me.

My ex-wife.

I wonder what I'd have to do to go back to solitary.

ExMrsSmithy>> Hi, Honey.
GoblinSmithy>> Please don't call me that.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm getting nauseous.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh, is the food that bad?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you makes it hard to keep it down, though.
ExMrsSmithy>> Don't be mean, Baby.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to visit you.
GoblinSmithy>> I figured that part out.
GoblinSmithy>> Why you came is the question.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know it must be lonely in here...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... no...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even go there.
ExMrsSmithy>> I hate to think about you sad and alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Alone is good.
GoblinSmithy>> I like alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy is all about the alone.
ExMrsSmithy>> You don't have to hide your pain from me.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Please stop talking.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're not listening.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I heard you.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually, I'm thinking about what you said.
ExMrsSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping if I think about it hard enough...
GoblinSmithy>> The language center of my brain will die.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh Smithy...
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm not wearing anything under this coat.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, this has been fun.
GoblinSmithy>> If you'll excuse me, I need to go.
GoblinSmithy>> I think there are some large, angry men planning on sodomizing me.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how I am about appointments.
ExMrsSmithy>> How can you say no to this?
GoblinSmithy>> Easily.
GoblinSmithy>> Happily.
GoblinSmithy>> While weeping and showering until the image goes away.
GoblinSmithy>> How many answers did you need?
ExMrsSmithy>> You'll regret saying no.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.
ExMrsSmithy>> Fine.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm leaving.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow... I do actually feel better.
ExMrsSmithy>> My visit helped?
GoblinSmithy>> No...
GoblinSmithy>> You leaving helped.

She kind of stomped off in a huff after that.

Women.

As my guard led me back to my cell, he leaned over to ask me something.

Guard>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Seeing my ex always upsets me.
Guard>> Anything I can do to help?
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe...
GoblinSmithy>> Could you beat me until the image of her is gone from my brain?

Honestly, I don't know what they're going to try and throw at me in here, but I'm not too worried.

I've seen the outside world.

I like it better in here.

Law And Order: Goblin Victims Unit

What is it? FREAKIN' LAWYER WEEK?!

I just get this stupid ex-wife nonsense worked out and what happens?

I GET SUED.

And who sues me? Who has the audacity to sue me?

A DAMNED ADVENTURER!!!

There are no words for my rage.

Well... There are words.

Four letter words.

I'm at home last night, having a beer and watching the game, when these two huge cops busted down my door and dragged me out of my own house.

First, the started nightsticking me and hitting me with a taser. It was rough, but I managed to control myself. I'd seen worse.

Then, they put me in their car and turned on the radio.

Billy Talent.

I'm filing a complaint for police brutality.

So, because of this little (insert expletive here), I had to spend my entire morning in court.

Criminal court.

They cart me into the courtroom in a full body restraint and a mask.

Ironically, since I spend most of my days in a tight, metal subligar, this was actually quite comfortable.

Unfortunately, I've got a mad itch on the tip of my nose. The tip of my nose that I can't reach. My only option was to jerk my head around and hope it went away.

I'm wrapped in a body restraint and violently twitching.

Oh yeah... That'll totally help my case.

First came my court-appointed lawyer. He was an Elvaan. This was bad.

The average Elvaan IQ rivals that of your average cheese sandwich. My lawyer would have to study for five years to reach that level.

They told me he was free of charge.

I still think I overpaid.

That's okay, though. Maybe the other lawyer would be just as bad.

And that's when the door swung open and the prosecuting lawyer walked in.

Well... He wheelchaired in.

Yes... It was the Taru lawyer.

Oh lucky me.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing here?
Lawyer>> I heard you got arrested.
Lawyer>> I specifically asked for this case.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't feel that way about you.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me is flattered, but...
Lawyer>> SHUT UP!
Lawyer>> You're going down!
GoblinSmithy>> I told you. I don't swing that way.
GoblinSmithy>> Speaking of turning gay, how'd you like my ex-wife?
Lawyer>> ...
Lawyer>> I'd prefer not to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I see you're not screaming and curling up into a fetal position.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a good sign.
Lawyer>> You need to shut up RIGHT NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry.
GoblinSmithy>> A little time will ease the memory.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, time and massive electroshock therapy.

Then the judge came in.

Just fantastic... A Galka...

Anyone who has ever said big is beautiful has obviously never seen a Galka.

And dumb?

Do you know why most Galka's are missing a few fingers? They always lose a few before someone teaches them which end of the sword to hold.

This is shaping up to be a fantastic day.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I call the victim to the stand.

Oh, this I've got to see. Suddenly, this brown-haired hume comes walking up the aisle.

Wait... I know that guy...

He attacked me yesterday. Stupid bastard ran up to me in Yhoator, hits me, and then calls for help.

And then no one tried to help him.

And then I helped him.

Helped him remodel his skeletal structure.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell?
GoblinSmithy>> That guy attacked me first.
Hume>> That's not true.
Hume>> He assaulted me.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a lie.
Judge>> Then how is it he's the one that died?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay... I totally assaulted him.
GoblinSmithy>> But he was asking for it.
Judge>> You mean he provoked you?
GoblinSmithy>> Quite literally, now that you mention it.
Judge>> How did he provoke you?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know. It was probably a macro.
GoblinSmithy>> How the hell am I supposed to know that?
Judge>> I mean, what did he do to piss you off?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> Well, he was rude and mean and generally unpleasant.
Judge>> Anything else?
GoblinSmithy>> He did hit me with an axe...
GoblinSmithy>> Does that count?
GoblinSmithy>> I think it counts.

Things actually started to turn around. I really started to believe I might get off with a warning.

Then, I remembered that nothing good ever happens to me.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I'd like to ask the victim something.
Judge>> I'll allow it.
Lawyer>> Thank you.

That's when he did something odd. He pulled out one of the little dolls the moogles handed out for an event a while back.

What the hell could he need a doll for?

Lawyer>> Could you please show the court where Smithy stabbed you?

Is it a bad sign when one of the jury members vomits?

I can't tell you where I stabbed him, but I can give you a hint.

Rectum? Darn near killed him.

Yeah.

So, right now, I find myself sitting quietly in a jail cell.

If I understand just how much life hates me, it'll only be a few minutes before Pathfinder shows up with a full body tattoo and tries to break me out.

I ask you, what kind of world is it where a Goblin can't horribly murder someone who's just asking for it?

Do you want your children growing up unstabbed?

Please, won't you think of the children?

When It Rains...

So, I just got a letter from a lawyer.

Vana'diel has demons, golems, orcs, and goblins. But lawyers?

That's just wrong.

Anyway, it appears my ex-wife is taking me to the cleaners. She's going after my house, my... my...

Yeah, so all I had was my house.

I offered to give her my sword, instead, but apparently the manner in which I suggested giving it to her was not "acceptable".

Now, this creates a problem for me. I like having shelter from the elements.

Have you ever lived in a world where fire is a regular meteorological event?

Fire for Altana's sake.

you're just outside minding your own business, walking to the local Auction House when, all of a sudden, the sky turns to molten fire.

Player>> My this is a beautiful day.
Player>> Hmmm... Those clouds are a little dark, though.
Player>> Is that rain?
Player>> DEARLORDMYFLESHITBURNS!!!!

And ice weather, what the hell is that about?

Does this look like Canada?

Not just snow, mind you. Actual chunks of ice failing randomly from the sky.

That shit ain't natural.

You want to know what it's like to live in Vana'diel? I can teach you in a few easy steps.

First, go stand on a sandy beach. Hit something with a stick.

Congratulations. You just passed the Adventurer's test. If you did it without drooling you get bonus points.

Next, throw some water in your face. That's normal rain weather.

That's not so bad.

Now, set yourself on fire. That's not normal weather.

That's bad.

When you're terribly burned, have someone hit you with a block of ice.

Then have a level 30 run by with a ruby going "Did I miss it?"

Yeah, a house is kind of important.

Also, without a house, I find it much harder to hide from Pathfinder.

The weather thing sucks, but Pathfinder?

Something had to be done.

I started to look for a new house. Then, I realized I didn't need a new house.

I just needed to keep my own house.

Really, the only thing keeping me from my house was a lawyer.

I'd be doing the world a favor.

So, I find the guy's office and decide to "pay him a visit".

That's code for stab him a bunch.

I walk into his office and right away notice he wasn't there. I was just about to leave when...

Lawyer>> Can I help you?
GoblinSmithy>> Hello?
GoblinSmithy>> Is someone here?
Lawyer>> I'm right here behind my desk.
GoblinSmithy>> No you're not.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm looking at your desk.
Lawyer>> Look closer, idiot.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean look clos...

And there he was, standing right behind his desk.

A taru lawyer.

I knew it would be incredibly rude to laugh.

GoblinSmithy>> BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Lawyer>> Is something funny?
GoblinSmithy>> Are there any grown ups around?
Lawyer>> You're a jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you being so short with me?
GoblinSmithy>> HAHAHAAA!!!
Lawyer>> Can I help you with something?
GoblinSmithy>> Not a high shelf, that's for sure.
Lawyer>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> Man, you've got a short temper.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm here about my house.
Lawyer>> Why?
Lawyer>> Did someone tow away your trailer?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You sent me this letter.
GoblinSmithy>> Something about my ex-wife.
Lawyer>> Oh...
Lawyer>> Yeah, I'm taking everything you own.
GoblinSmithy>> You can't do that.
Lawyer>> I'm pretty sure I can.
Lawyer>> I can probably even take stuff you don't own.
Lawyer>> Hell, I can do anything I want.
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you doing this to me?
GoblinSmithy>> What did I do to you?
Lawyer>> Do you remember stabbing a young Taru Thief?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> No?
Lawyer>> You don't remember killing me?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> In my defense, you are very small.
Lawyer>> I vowed that you would pay.
GoblinSmithy>> But why my house?
Lawyer>> Oh, I'm making you pay with more than your house.
Lawyer>> I intend to hit you where it hurts the most.
GoblinSmithy>> The groin?
Lawyer>> ... No.
Lawyer>> I'm going to seduce your ex-wife.
Lawyer>> She will be mine.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... Are you kidding?
Lawyer>> You wish I was kidding.
Lawyer>> I will bed your wife and there's nothing you can do.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You know what?
GoblinSmithy>> Take the house.
GoblinSmithy>> This is worth it.

Well, I guess that problem is solved.

Going to be kind of hard for him to argue a case with a broken pelvis.

She'll do way more damage than I ever could.

I mean, I can stab the guy. I could even kill him.

But seeing her naked...

That leaves scars that just don't heal.

Inflation

Ever since I started participating (read: dying horribly) in Garrison, I've wanted a Military Pick.

That is one sweet axe. It's got great damage and has +1 accuracy.

This would make a great weapon for my usual duty shifts in Yhoator.

Also, I really want to get one and shove it through the face of one of those damned Garrison NPCs.

A goblin needs goals, you know.

Anyway, these axes don't come cheap and, as it doesn't look like I'm going to be winning one in Garrison any time soon, I decided I'd just have to buy one.

I saved and saved and saved. I looted every adventurer's corpse. I sold everything I (read: Pathfinder) had.

Finally, after almost a month, I was able to save up enough to buy the axe.

I was practically giddy.

Clutching my wallet, I ran to the nearest Auction House to buy one.

I look through the Auction House listings...

What the hell?

The axe that cost 300,000 gil last week is now well over 400,000.

400,000.

Why would people suddenly start raising the price of an item until it's practically unbuyable?

I mean, I respect the cruelty required for such an act, but even I think that's cold.

Hmmm... Maybe it's time to educate a few people about economics.

I found the name of the guy who started jacking up the price in the first place. Then, I called a few Beastmen friends to keep an eye out for him.

It took a few hours, but one of my Goblin friends spotted him leveling in Yuhtunga.

Perfect.

I hopped on the first Airship and was off to Yuhtunga.

I stepped into the jungle quietly.

Shhhhhh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We're hunting fo' wetards.

There he was, a Hume warrior.

Doing that to your own people. That's just wrong.

I snuck up on him and his entire party. As soon as he went out to pull another Mandragora, I went to work.

The White Mage went first. Then, the Black Mage. After that, the rest fell in a few seconds.

Then, it was just me and him.

He ran back, an angry Mandy in tow, only to find his entire party dead.

The look on his face was priceless.

The Mandy was just about to kill him, when I waved him off. He didn't look too happy about it, but there's not much a walking flower can do to a Goblin with a sword.

Warrior>> Uhh...
Warrior>> Thanks...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't mention it.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you happen to sell a Military pick recently?
Warrior>> Yeah... A few days ago.
Warrior>> Why do you ask?
GoblinSmithy>> I was just wondering why you'd raise the price.
Warrior>> Well, there were none for sale at the time.
Warrior>> I knew someone would want it, so I put it up for more.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you really think it's fair to do that?
GoblinSmithy>> To just raise the price because people want it?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you?
Warrior>> If people want it bad enough, they'll pay for it.
GoblinSmithy>> True, true.
GoblinSmithy>> I just had one more question.
Warrior>> Sure.
Warrior>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> How much would you pay for your spine?
Warrior>> I don't know what you mean.

That's when I stabbed him.

And stabbed him.

And stabbed him.

Now, some of you probably think I stabbed him to death, but no.

The idea crossed my mind, but no.

GoblinSmithy>> Now...
GoblinSmithy>> What's it worth to you?
Warrior>> Guh...
Warrior>> What's what worth?
GoblinSmithy>> Your life.
GoblinSmithy>> What will you pay for me not to kill you?
Warrior>> You can't do that.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?

Stab, stab, stab.

GoblinSmithy>> Those holes in your chest would seem to disagree.
Goblinsmithy>> And I think the blood loss speaks for itself.
Warrior>> Okay, okay!
Warrior>> How much do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> 300,000 gil.
Warrior>> WHAT?!
Warrior>> 300,000 gil?!
GoblinSmithy>> Well I could just go back to stabbing...
Warrior>> NO! NO!
Warrior>> I'll pay!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> It's 320,000 now.
Warrior>> That's ridiculous!
GoblinSmithy>> Well, it's the only life you have.
GoblinSmithy>> I figure you'd pay more.
GoblinSmithy>> If you really wanted it.
Warrior>> ...
Warrior>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops.
Goblinsmithy>> It's 340,000 now.
Warrior>> OH COME ON!!!

That went on for about another twenty minutes. Eventually, I got him up to 450,000 gil and he told me that was all he had.

I kindly took the money.

I then unkindly stabbed him in the neck.

In the end, I think he learned a valuable lesson. Something like "a penny saved is a penny earned".

Or "if you act like a prick and jack up prices for no reason, someone will find you and stab you in the neck".

That's a good lesson to learn.

Intervention

Today was a hard day.

Aftering talking to Shaman a bit more, I realized he had a serious problem. His gil buying habit was getting worse by the second.

Something had to be done.

I quickly went to work and called every beastman I could think of. Gigas and Quadavs, Sahagins and Demons. I invited them all.

Sigh... I even invited Pathfinder.

At least that way Shaman could see what a wasted life looks like.

We all met up in Castle Oztroja and then I called Shaman and asked him to come over. He sounded funny when he answered the phone and I knew.

He'd been buying gil again.

If we didn't do something now, he'd be completely retarded within days.

When Shaman finally arrived, we jumped out and locked the door behind him. He spun around frantically, scared and panicking.

GoblinSmithy>> Shaman...
GoblinSmithy>> We need to talk to you.
GoblinShaman>> What's going on here?
GoblinShaman>> What are you doing?
OrcishSerjeant>> Don't be afraid.
SilverQuadav>> Let the healing begin.
GoblinShaman>> What the hell?!
GoblinShaman>> You're all insane!
GoblinSmithy>> We're here to help you, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> You have a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I do have a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I'm locked in a room full of lunatics!
SilverQuadav>> That's it.
SilverQuadav>> Let it all out.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman... You're a gil buyer.
GoblinShaman>> Oh come on.
GoblinShaman>> I only bought a little.
BrookSahagin>> He's in denial.
GoblinShaman>> I'm not in denial.
BrookSahagin>> See?
GoblinSmithy>> Buying gil is wrong Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> It's wrong.
GoblinShaman>> Let me out of here.
GoblinShaman>> NOW!

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga III on GoblinSmithy.

I expected this. Luckily, I came prepared.

DemonKnight casts Stun on GoblinShaman.

GoblinSmithy>> That won't work here, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Use your words.
GoblinShaman>> I only bought it once or twice.
GoblinSmithy>> That's always how it starts.
GoblinSmithy>> A million here, a million there.
GoblinSmithy>> Pretty soon, you need ten million just to get through the day.
GoblinShaman>> It's not a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I can stop any time I want to.
GoblinSmithy>> Then stop now.
GoblinSmithy>> For your sake.
GoblinShaman>> But look at this gear.
GoblinShaman>> Look at it!
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't want to have to do this...
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman...
GoblinSmithy>> You're turning into Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hi.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Oh Altana...
GoblinShaman>> NUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> No one wants to themselves that low.
GoblinSmithy>> Now the healing can begin.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> I hate both of you.

I'm glad to say that Shaman has given up buying gil. I even convinced him to let me get rid of all of his ill-gotten gear and give the money to charity.

On an unrelated note, do you like my new Sniper's Rings?

A Sneak Peek

A few readers have been asking what the Fan Pack stories are like.

I really have no way of describing them, so I decided it would be fun to post one of the Fan Pack stories.

This story was in the very first blog fan pack from four months ago. A lot of people missed out on it, so I thought I'd post it tonight while I continue to work on my computer problem.

I will note though that this is a one time only thing. The fan pack stories are meant to be exclusive and I want to make sure fan club members have something special. I'm only posting this one because it's four months old.

And without further adieu, I give you the Smithy Chronicles - Volume 1.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Smithy Chronicles – Volume 1

Congratulations. By helping support my blog, you have enabled yourself to join my extremely exclusive fan club.

You so love me.

As a bonus, you have also received this special gift pack, my way of saying I appreciate the support.

Also, it’s my way of saying I appreciate your constant willingness to get stabbed by me. If it weren’t for you soft, pudgy flesh-bags, I wouldn’t have a job.

And that would mean spending time with my wife.

Seriously. Thank you.

Now, many of you are no doubt wondering how I got this job. Even if you don’t, I’m going to pretend that you do as it makes for an easy transition into the story.

I actually started out as an Adventurer.

I know, I know. A Goblin Adventurer?!

We like to adventure, too, you know. Damned racist.

Or specist.

Or shut the hell up.

Sweet Altana, how I loved Adventuring. Spending my days exploring the frozen tundra of Quifim, walking through the ruins of Garlaige Citadel, making my way through the hidden depths of the Crawler’s Nest.

Note to self: Why did I like it again?

Things weren’t exactly easy for me. Believe it or not, people had a hard time accepting a Goblin in their party.

I got less invites than a Dragoon.

I mean, damn.

So, like many, I took up crafting. Pretty soon, I was burning through the levels and finally decided to call myself Goblin Smithy.

Plus, it enabled me to actually make my own armor. This has come in extremely handy as nowadays people like to poke holes in it with pointy objects.

I do wish I had taken the time to learn how to make a subligar without a giant point at the front.

Believe me, I’m not that happy to see you.

Now, you’re probably thinking that months of crafting with very few party invites caused me to withdraw and become aggressive. That it was probably a long, slow process.

Not so much.

It was actually one party that pushed me over the edge.

Picture it. I was a fresh, young goblin trying to make his way as a Warrior. I had abandoned the White Mage sub of my youth and was studying the subtleties of the job class.

Plus, Berserk freakin’ rocked.

I was in your normal Yhoator Jungle party trying desperately to hot level 30, so I could unlock the advanced job quests.

I had dreams once of becoming a Paladin. Ironic, considering I spend most of my days pounding Paladins’ faces through the back of their helmets.

So, everything was going normal. We were getting good exp and I was almost there.

I could taste that new job.

Then the White Mage had to leave. He made some excuse about needing his insulin or something.

N00b.

Fortunately, or so we thought at the time, another White Mage was seeking in Kazham and we were able to pick up a replacement right away.

He showed up to camp and right away, I was a little worried about him.

I’m not sure if it was his demeanor. Or maybe the dull look in his eye.

Or maybe the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

GoblinSmithy>> Um…
GoblinSmithy>> Why aren’t you wearing pants?
WhiteMage>> I’m a white mage.
GoblinSmithy>> And pants are against the White Mage code or something?
GoblinSmithy>> The groin coverage would interfere with your ability to cure?
WhiteMage>> Pants aren’t a big deal.
WhiteMage>> I don’t need pants to do my job.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt many people need pants to do their job.
GoblinSmithy>> But everyone should still have pants.
GoblinSmithy>> Pants are civilization.
WhiteMage>> Whatever, man.
WhiteMage>> You’re not a white mage.

Now, I could have kept going there, but I didn’t. I was too close to 30 to start a fight and mess this up now.

I decided to suffer the moron.

So, we start fighting and things are going okay. Not as good as before, but I was not really surprised.

Level 30 was getting closer, though, so I was content.

And then it happened.

WhiteMage>> Smithy, you idiot!
WhiteMage>> Stop provoking!
GoblinSmithy>> I’m the back up tank.
GoblinSmithy>> I need to provoke so the Ninja can get his shadows up.
WhiteMage>> I’m wasting mp trying to cure you.
GoblinSmithy>> No. You’re using your mp to cure me.
GoblinSmithy>> If you don’t, you’re going to waste mp trying to raise us all.
WhiteMage>> Listen, n00b. I know how this works.
WhiteMage>> I have a level 47 Dark Knight.
GoblinSmithy>> I’m sure that experience comes in handy as a White Mage!
WhiteMage>> Man, you’re stupid.
WhiteMage>> You don’t even know how to play.

Why is it always the worst person in the party that starts telling people they don’t know how to play?

They’re always the first person to start handing out criticism and laying blame for poor exp.

Funny, they’re usually (read: almost always) the reason, too.

Isn’t that weird?

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, I’m going to explain this very slowly.
GoblinSmithy>> Ninja use shadows, he no die.
GoblinSmithy>> He lose shadows, he die.
GoblinSmithy>> He die, we die.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you following so far?
WhiteMage>> Shut up, moron.
GoblinSmithy>> Good. You’re keeping up.
GoblinSmithy>> Though a “yes, continue please” will suffice.
WhiteMage>> Bite me.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> We die is bad. Very, very bad.
GoblinSmithy>> We no want die.
WhiteMage>> Just shut the hell up.
GoblinSmithy>> I provoke, Ninja keep shadow, we no die.
GoblinSmithy>> We no die, YAY!
GoblinSmithy>> You no cure, me die, Ninja die, you die.
GoblinSmithy>> Though that last part doesn’t exactly bother me.
WhiteMage>> Damn, you’re such a n00b.
WhiteMage>> Just do your damned job.
GoblinSmithy>> Why don’t you try doing yours?

We grudgingly move on to the next mob. We’re tearing through that mandragora like there’s no tomorrow. The Ninja gets low on shadows, so I provoke.

I’m getting hit pretty hard when I notice that my health is dropping fast.

And the White Mage isn’t curing me.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing?
WhiteMage>> Teaching you a lesson.

It was tough, but we made it through okay. There were a couple of close calls, but the Black Mage managed to keep us going.

And then he said it.

WhiteMage>> I hope you learned something.

The rest is a bit of a blur after that. I remember screaming and then beating the White Mage to death with his own shoes. Hours later, I woke up covered in blood and feeling better that ever before. And that’s when I made a new “friend”.

GoblinShaman>> Nice work. Want a job?