Thursday, September 07, 2006

When It Rains...

So, I just got a letter from a lawyer.

Vana'diel has demons, golems, orcs, and goblins. But lawyers?

That's just wrong.

Anyway, it appears my ex-wife is taking me to the cleaners. She's going after my house, my... my...

Yeah, so all I had was my house.

I offered to give her my sword, instead, but apparently the manner in which I suggested giving it to her was not "acceptable".

Now, this creates a problem for me. I like having shelter from the elements.

Have you ever lived in a world where fire is a regular meteorological event?

Fire for Altana's sake.

you're just outside minding your own business, walking to the local Auction House when, all of a sudden, the sky turns to molten fire.

Player>> My this is a beautiful day.
Player>> Hmmm... Those clouds are a little dark, though.
Player>> Is that rain?

And ice weather, what the hell is that about?

Does this look like Canada?

Not just snow, mind you. Actual chunks of ice failing randomly from the sky.

That shit ain't natural.

You want to know what it's like to live in Vana'diel? I can teach you in a few easy steps.

First, go stand on a sandy beach. Hit something with a stick.

Congratulations. You just passed the Adventurer's test. If you did it without drooling you get bonus points.

Next, throw some water in your face. That's normal rain weather.

That's not so bad.

Now, set yourself on fire. That's not normal weather.

That's bad.

When you're terribly burned, have someone hit you with a block of ice.

Then have a level 30 run by with a ruby going "Did I miss it?"

Yeah, a house is kind of important.

Also, without a house, I find it much harder to hide from Pathfinder.

The weather thing sucks, but Pathfinder?

Something had to be done.

I started to look for a new house. Then, I realized I didn't need a new house.

I just needed to keep my own house.

Really, the only thing keeping me from my house was a lawyer.

I'd be doing the world a favor.

So, I find the guy's office and decide to "pay him a visit".

That's code for stab him a bunch.

I walk into his office and right away notice he wasn't there. I was just about to leave when...

Lawyer>> Can I help you?
GoblinSmithy>> Hello?
GoblinSmithy>> Is someone here?
Lawyer>> I'm right here behind my desk.
GoblinSmithy>> No you're not.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm looking at your desk.
Lawyer>> Look closer, idiot.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean look clos...

And there he was, standing right behind his desk.

A taru lawyer.

I knew it would be incredibly rude to laugh.

Lawyer>> Is something funny?
GoblinSmithy>> Are there any grown ups around?
Lawyer>> You're a jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you being so short with me?
GoblinSmithy>> HAHAHAAA!!!
Lawyer>> Can I help you with something?
GoblinSmithy>> Not a high shelf, that's for sure.
Lawyer>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> Man, you've got a short temper.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm here about my house.
Lawyer>> Why?
Lawyer>> Did someone tow away your trailer?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You sent me this letter.
GoblinSmithy>> Something about my ex-wife.
Lawyer>> Oh...
Lawyer>> Yeah, I'm taking everything you own.
GoblinSmithy>> You can't do that.
Lawyer>> I'm pretty sure I can.
Lawyer>> I can probably even take stuff you don't own.
Lawyer>> Hell, I can do anything I want.
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you doing this to me?
GoblinSmithy>> What did I do to you?
Lawyer>> Do you remember stabbing a young Taru Thief?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> No?
Lawyer>> You don't remember killing me?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> In my defense, you are very small.
Lawyer>> I vowed that you would pay.
GoblinSmithy>> But why my house?
Lawyer>> Oh, I'm making you pay with more than your house.
Lawyer>> I intend to hit you where it hurts the most.
GoblinSmithy>> The groin?
Lawyer>> ... No.
Lawyer>> I'm going to seduce your ex-wife.
Lawyer>> She will be mine.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... Are you kidding?
Lawyer>> You wish I was kidding.
Lawyer>> I will bed your wife and there's nothing you can do.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You know what?
GoblinSmithy>> Take the house.
GoblinSmithy>> This is worth it.

Well, I guess that problem is solved.

Going to be kind of hard for him to argue a case with a broken pelvis.

She'll do way more damage than I ever could.

I mean, I can stab the guy. I could even kill him.

But seeing her naked...

That leaves scars that just don't heal.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

First post

that sucks that you lose your home to a taru

4:35 PM  
Blogger Shayde said...

It's pretty sad when a goblin is giving a Taru grief for being vertically challenged. Goblins aren't exactly the tallest of creatures, you know...

I think you should send them presents & wish them well. The sooner your ex & the taru lawyer get married, the sooner your alimony payments will go away...

While you wait for a place of your own, I suggest getting a Rent-a-Room in one of the major cities. The moogles can be annoying, but they have remarkably good organizational skills.

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Monty said...

Smithy, I feel for ya losing your house. But when it comes down to living with someone, are you gonna pick Pathfinder, or Shaman?

5:14 PM  
Blogger Kittos said...

hahaha poor taru hahaha XD
>_> short temper pshhh

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

im pretty sure he wont room with Pathfinder, remember he married one of those lamias

6:53 PM  
Blogger Celestiah said...

ROFL!!! >.> love reading "A Smithy's Life" at work. Keep up the creative writing!

7:18 PM  
Blogger Crixa said...

This is probably one of the best intallments in "A Smithy's Life" ever. No really...EVER.

9:31 PM  
Blogger nano said...

He certainly got the short end of the stick.. get it, short.. hehehehe..

10:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He SHould live with PathFinder. Come on think of the fun that would come out of it.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Thistle said...

Have you ever lived in a world where fire is a regular meteorological event?

Fire for Altana's sake.

I love it when you make me giggle out loud.

Lawyer>> Can I help you with something?
GoblinSmithy>> Not a high shelf, that's for sure.

Twice in one post is even better!

11:19 AM  
Blogger Coeurl de Lionne said...

Tarutaru lawyer? Could it be this guy?

Tonka, Attorney at Lawl

3:15 PM  
Blogger Terry Tolleson said...

There's no hot pokers for your mind's eye.

5:46 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home