I'm Alive!

Oh Altana! I didn't think I was going to make it.

I've been in solitary confinement since the last time I updated.

After I was transferred to Vana'diel's maximum security prison, I was not pleased with the conditions.

They only had... Oh Altana, it makes me sick to even think of it...

They only had dial up.

Savages.

I realize we were being incarcerated for murder, but that's no reason to treat us like animals.

Dial up... Ugh.

Anyway, I decided that the only way to rectify the situation was to express my displeasure and submit some constructive criticism.

Apparently, they don't consider stabbing a guard to death with a toothbrush to be "constructive".

The Man's always trying to keep a Smithy down.

And that's how I ended up in solitary.

For three days.

It wasn't actually that bad. I spend most of my days dealing with some of the most retarded people on our planet.

A few days of quiet isn't exactly a punishment.

Today, when they finally let me go back to my cell, one of the guards came and told me I had a visitor.

Huh... I didn't know who the hell would be visiting me.

Maybe Shaman was here to put me out of my misery.

I could see it now.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman!!
GoblinSmithy>> Are you going to Warp 2 me back to my HP?
GoblinShaman>> ... Sort of.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ... You're a saint.

But, no.

I get to the visitation room and guess who's waiting for me.

My ex-wife.

I wonder what I'd have to do to go back to solitary.

ExMrsSmithy>> Hi, Honey.
GoblinSmithy>> Please don't call me that.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm getting nauseous.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh, is the food that bad?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you makes it hard to keep it down, though.
ExMrsSmithy>> Don't be mean, Baby.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to visit you.
GoblinSmithy>> I figured that part out.
GoblinSmithy>> Why you came is the question.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know it must be lonely in here...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... no...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even go there.
ExMrsSmithy>> I hate to think about you sad and alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Alone is good.
GoblinSmithy>> I like alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy is all about the alone.
ExMrsSmithy>> You don't have to hide your pain from me.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Please stop talking.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're not listening.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I heard you.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually, I'm thinking about what you said.
ExMrsSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping if I think about it hard enough...
GoblinSmithy>> The language center of my brain will die.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh Smithy...
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm not wearing anything under this coat.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, this has been fun.
GoblinSmithy>> If you'll excuse me, I need to go.
GoblinSmithy>> I think there are some large, angry men planning on sodomizing me.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how I am about appointments.
ExMrsSmithy>> How can you say no to this?
GoblinSmithy>> Easily.
GoblinSmithy>> Happily.
GoblinSmithy>> While weeping and showering until the image goes away.
GoblinSmithy>> How many answers did you need?
ExMrsSmithy>> You'll regret saying no.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.
ExMrsSmithy>> Fine.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm leaving.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow... I do actually feel better.
ExMrsSmithy>> My visit helped?
GoblinSmithy>> No...
GoblinSmithy>> You leaving helped.

She kind of stomped off in a huff after that.

Women.

As my guard led me back to my cell, he leaned over to ask me something.

Guard>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Seeing my ex always upsets me.
Guard>> Anything I can do to help?
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe...
GoblinSmithy>> Could you beat me until the image of her is gone from my brain?

Honestly, I don't know what they're going to try and throw at me in here, but I'm not too worried.

I've seen the outside world.

I like it better in here.