Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm Alive!

Oh Altana! I didn't think I was going to make it.

I've been in solitary confinement since the last time I updated.

After I was transferred to Vana'diel's maximum security prison, I was not pleased with the conditions.

They only had... Oh Altana, it makes me sick to even think of it...

They only had dial up.

Savages.

I realize we were being incarcerated for murder, but that's no reason to treat us like animals.

Dial up... Ugh.

Anyway, I decided that the only way to rectify the situation was to express my displeasure and submit some constructive criticism.

Apparently, they don't consider stabbing a guard to death with a toothbrush to be "constructive".

The Man's always trying to keep a Smithy down.

And that's how I ended up in solitary.

For three days.

It wasn't actually that bad. I spend most of my days dealing with some of the most retarded people on our planet.

A few days of quiet isn't exactly a punishment.

Today, when they finally let me go back to my cell, one of the guards came and told me I had a visitor.

Huh... I didn't know who the hell would be visiting me.

Maybe Shaman was here to put me out of my misery.

I could see it now.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman!!
GoblinSmithy>> Are you going to Warp 2 me back to my HP?
GoblinShaman>> ... Sort of.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ... You're a saint.

But, no.

I get to the visitation room and guess who's waiting for me.

My ex-wife.

I wonder what I'd have to do to go back to solitary.

ExMrsSmithy>> Hi, Honey.
GoblinSmithy>> Please don't call me that.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm getting nauseous.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh, is the food that bad?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you makes it hard to keep it down, though.
ExMrsSmithy>> Don't be mean, Baby.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to visit you.
GoblinSmithy>> I figured that part out.
GoblinSmithy>> Why you came is the question.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know it must be lonely in here...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... no...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even go there.
ExMrsSmithy>> I hate to think about you sad and alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Alone is good.
GoblinSmithy>> I like alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy is all about the alone.
ExMrsSmithy>> You don't have to hide your pain from me.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Please stop talking.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're not listening.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I heard you.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually, I'm thinking about what you said.
ExMrsSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping if I think about it hard enough...
GoblinSmithy>> The language center of my brain will die.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh Smithy...
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm not wearing anything under this coat.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, this has been fun.
GoblinSmithy>> If you'll excuse me, I need to go.
GoblinSmithy>> I think there are some large, angry men planning on sodomizing me.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how I am about appointments.
ExMrsSmithy>> How can you say no to this?
GoblinSmithy>> Easily.
GoblinSmithy>> Happily.
GoblinSmithy>> While weeping and showering until the image goes away.
GoblinSmithy>> How many answers did you need?
ExMrsSmithy>> You'll regret saying no.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.
ExMrsSmithy>> Fine.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm leaving.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow... I do actually feel better.
ExMrsSmithy>> My visit helped?
GoblinSmithy>> No...
GoblinSmithy>> You leaving helped.

She kind of stomped off in a huff after that.

Women.

As my guard led me back to my cell, he leaned over to ask me something.

Guard>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Seeing my ex always upsets me.
Guard>> Anything I can do to help?
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe...
GoblinSmithy>> Could you beat me until the image of her is gone from my brain?

Honestly, I don't know what they're going to try and throw at me in here, but I'm not too worried.

I've seen the outside world.

I like it better in here.

5 Comments:

Blogger WHM of Death said...

Poor Smithy...Look at the brightside....No Pathfinder!

4:36 PM  
Blogger Balfor said...

just hope that pathfinder doesn't do something stupid like getting thrown in jail in order to try to break you out. why does that storyline sound familiar....ohwait its because it was done on tv already...i can still see pathfinder trying it with the reasoning of "it worked on tv so that has to mean it will work for me!"

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Crawlerbasher said...

Don't Say that, I can only imagine that pathfinder will come and visit him the next day o.O

8:05 PM  
Blogger WindowOfTheSoul said...

You guys shouldn't have jinxed Smithy.

Wow, The Ex-Misses must REALLY be one ugly sack of crap if you'd rather be sodomized by big ugly men.

... Oh, well.

I'm sure you can use your gruel as a lubricant.

Hope you have fun in Prison, Smithy!

Much love, Peace out! Kill all hippies, and retards, and all that stuff.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Terry Tolleson said...

GoblinPathfinder: I'm not wearing anything under this coat.

GoblinSmithy stabs himself in the throat with his own finger.

2:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home