Law And Order: Goblin Victims Unit

What is it? FREAKIN' LAWYER WEEK?!

I just get this stupid ex-wife nonsense worked out and what happens?

I GET SUED.

And who sues me? Who has the audacity to sue me?

A DAMNED ADVENTURER!!!

There are no words for my rage.

Well... There are words.

Four letter words.

I'm at home last night, having a beer and watching the game, when these two huge cops busted down my door and dragged me out of my own house.

First, the started nightsticking me and hitting me with a taser. It was rough, but I managed to control myself. I'd seen worse.

Then, they put me in their car and turned on the radio.

Billy Talent.

I'm filing a complaint for police brutality.

So, because of this little (insert expletive here), I had to spend my entire morning in court.

Criminal court.

They cart me into the courtroom in a full body restraint and a mask.

Ironically, since I spend most of my days in a tight, metal subligar, this was actually quite comfortable.

Unfortunately, I've got a mad itch on the tip of my nose. The tip of my nose that I can't reach. My only option was to jerk my head around and hope it went away.

I'm wrapped in a body restraint and violently twitching.

Oh yeah... That'll totally help my case.

First came my court-appointed lawyer. He was an Elvaan. This was bad.

The average Elvaan IQ rivals that of your average cheese sandwich. My lawyer would have to study for five years to reach that level.

They told me he was free of charge.

I still think I overpaid.

That's okay, though. Maybe the other lawyer would be just as bad.

And that's when the door swung open and the prosecuting lawyer walked in.

Well... He wheelchaired in.

Yes... It was the Taru lawyer.

Oh lucky me.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing here?
Lawyer>> I heard you got arrested.
Lawyer>> I specifically asked for this case.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't feel that way about you.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me is flattered, but...
Lawyer>> SHUT UP!
Lawyer>> You're going down!
GoblinSmithy>> I told you. I don't swing that way.
GoblinSmithy>> Speaking of turning gay, how'd you like my ex-wife?
Lawyer>> ...
Lawyer>> I'd prefer not to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I see you're not screaming and curling up into a fetal position.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a good sign.
Lawyer>> You need to shut up RIGHT NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry.
GoblinSmithy>> A little time will ease the memory.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, time and massive electroshock therapy.

Then the judge came in.

Just fantastic... A Galka...

Anyone who has ever said big is beautiful has obviously never seen a Galka.

And dumb?

Do you know why most Galka's are missing a few fingers? They always lose a few before someone teaches them which end of the sword to hold.

This is shaping up to be a fantastic day.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I call the victim to the stand.

Oh, this I've got to see. Suddenly, this brown-haired hume comes walking up the aisle.

Wait... I know that guy...

He attacked me yesterday. Stupid bastard ran up to me in Yhoator, hits me, and then calls for help.

And then no one tried to help him.

And then I helped him.

Helped him remodel his skeletal structure.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell?
GoblinSmithy>> That guy attacked me first.
Hume>> That's not true.
Hume>> He assaulted me.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a lie.
Judge>> Then how is it he's the one that died?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay... I totally assaulted him.
GoblinSmithy>> But he was asking for it.
Judge>> You mean he provoked you?
GoblinSmithy>> Quite literally, now that you mention it.
Judge>> How did he provoke you?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know. It was probably a macro.
GoblinSmithy>> How the hell am I supposed to know that?
Judge>> I mean, what did he do to piss you off?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> Well, he was rude and mean and generally unpleasant.
Judge>> Anything else?
GoblinSmithy>> He did hit me with an axe...
GoblinSmithy>> Does that count?
GoblinSmithy>> I think it counts.

Things actually started to turn around. I really started to believe I might get off with a warning.

Then, I remembered that nothing good ever happens to me.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I'd like to ask the victim something.
Judge>> I'll allow it.
Lawyer>> Thank you.

That's when he did something odd. He pulled out one of the little dolls the moogles handed out for an event a while back.

What the hell could he need a doll for?

Lawyer>> Could you please show the court where Smithy stabbed you?

Is it a bad sign when one of the jury members vomits?

I can't tell you where I stabbed him, but I can give you a hint.

Rectum? Darn near killed him.

Yeah.

So, right now, I find myself sitting quietly in a jail cell.

If I understand just how much life hates me, it'll only be a few minutes before Pathfinder shows up with a full body tattoo and tries to break me out.

I ask you, what kind of world is it where a Goblin can't horribly murder someone who's just asking for it?

Do you want your children growing up unstabbed?

Please, won't you think of the children?