Dynamis - Attempt 5

DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!

DAMMIT!!!

Okay, I don't give a good damn if I die anymore.

I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS DAMNED EVENT!

I mean, why do they even call this Dynamis?

They should just change the name to DySmithy.

You can burn me. You can electrocute me.

I'm going to get you one of these days.

Apparently, though, that day was not today.

><

I woke up with a new purpose. It was as if everything in the universe suddenly made a beautiful, terrible sense to me.

It was time.

Tearing my way though Yhoator Jungle, I grabbed Shaman and dragged him to get ready.

We were going to win.

The stark certainty of it was amazing. I could actually see it laid out before me.

Just closing my eyes, I could see a Paladin folding as my blade struck the final blow to his face. His face went slack as his name went gray.

Behind me Shaman was burning a Mithra to the ground.

It was beautiful. And I knew it would happen.

As we logged into Dynamis, I could actually smell the electricity in the air.

Literally. An alliance had just Thundaga III'ed a handful of orcs not far away.

The air was ripe with charred stupidity.

VanguardShaman>> Oh damn, man.
VanguardShaman>> What are we doing here?
VanguardSmithy>> We're getting revenge.
VanguardShaman>> I fear we may be getting dead.
VanguardSmithy>> When did you turn into a little bitch?
VanguardSmithy>> You can leave if you want to, Sally.
VanguardShaman>> Cool.
VanguardShaman>> Later.
VanguardSmithy>> Where the hell do you think you're going?
VanguardShaman>> Home.
VanguardShaman>> You said I could...
VanguardSmithy>> I lied.
VanguardSmithy>> Now, shut the hell up.

We didn't run.

Everytime we have ever run, we died.

We didn't hide.

Everytime we have ever hid, we died.

Instead, Shaman and I walked quietly across the area and gathered a small army.

Vanguard Hitmen, Necromancers, Armorors, and Dragontamers.

We were legion.

VanguardShaman>> Sigh.
VanguardShaman>> What do we do now?
VanguardHitman>> He's right.
VanguardHitman>> Those Mages will light us up.
VanguardArmoror>> NO MORE FIRAGA III!
VanguardArmoror>> FIRAGA III BAD!
VanguardSmithy>> What the hell is with him?
VanguardHitman>> He's in shock.
VanguardDragontamer>> He got Firaga'ed.
VanguardDragontamer>> By a Galka.
VanguardDragontamer>> In a subligar.
VanguardArmoror>> SUBLIGAR NOOOOOO!!!
VanguardShaman>> That's just sick.
VanguardSmithy>> Poor bastard.
VanguardSmithy>> Let's use him as a shield.
VanguardHitman>> Uhhh... no.
VanguardSmithy>> Okay, okay.
VanguardSmithy>> You freakin' women.

I had a look around for something, anything that could help us.

And there they were.

Goblin Statues.

VanguardSmithy>> Wait here.
VanguardSmithy>> I've got a plan.

They didn't see it coming.

Three cute little Goblin Statues waddle slowly into the middle of their alliance. Three sweet, safe little Goblin Statues...

Who suddenly summon six Goblins each to help them.

VanguardSmithy>> TROJAN HORSE, BITCHES!
VanguardSmithy>> KILL THEM ALL!!!

We tore through their ranks like a hot sword through torso.

All of their careful planning undone.

And then it happened. It was my dream.

I struck their Paladin in the face and watched his limp body fall to the ground.

Shaman was behind me casting Fire IV on a Mithra.

It was true.

We had won.

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage7 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage8 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage9 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.

VanguardSmithy>> Oh
VanguardSmithy>> Day
VanguardSmithy>> Yam

It seems dreams are not everything they are cracked up to be.

I had a dream shortly after that, too.

Shortly being about 7.25 seconds later.

I dreamt my skin had actually been turned into liquid fire and I was actually being cooked inside my own body.

Hey... wait a second...

THAT WASN'T A FREAKIN' DREAM!

I'm going to get you bastards. I really am.

I'll be the charred ruin of a Goblin that's pointing and laughing.

Bastards.

FINAL DAY!!!

For the fan club, not the blog.

Oh, don't you worry. I've got lots of idiots left to stab in the face.

Yes. You in Texas. I mean you.

As for the fan club, today will be the last day for donations this month.

I will then spend tomorrow getting the fan club gift pack ready and send it out on the second.

It came together really nice and I'm sure you're going to love it.

If you don't, we are having a sale on eye stabbings.

Think about it.

I <3 Irony

Alternate Title: "Who's laughing now?"

As we've discussed on many an occasion, I am a fan of revenge.

I mean, there's just something so sweet about handing out a little vengeance and bringing someone's actions back to haunt them.

Remember that thing you did? Yeah? Here's a knife in the throat.

Now, you adventurers love revenge, as well. You love getting back at me for all those time I killed you.

And possibly the laughing.

So what do they do? They give you the perfect means of exacting the ultimate revenge:

They give you Blue Mage and let you learn Bomb Toss.

Yay.

Suddenly, every damn player has Blue Mage leveled enough for Bomb Toss and are coming after me.

Player>> HAHA GOBBY!
Player>> EAT BOMB!

This, of course, sucks. As I'm sure most of you know, those bombs really freakin' hurt.

It's okay, though...

Cause Smithy gets the ultimate revenge.

Earlier today, yet another one of these Blue Mage wonders came after me in the Jungle.

I'm just minding my own business, killing n00bs and saving mandies. You know, doing my job.

When suddenly, this halfwit runs up and starts attacking me.

GoblinSmithy>> Well, hello there.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you actually choose to attack me?
Player>> Oh hell yeah.
Player>> You're mine today, Gobby.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. You cannot have me.
GoblinSmithy>> We are having a sale on swords today.

*FACE STAB*

Player>> That's funny.
GoblinSmithy>> Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> Corpses rarely get my sense of humor.
Player>> Oh, don't you worry.
Player>> I'll have the last laugh.
GoblinSmithy>> I really doubt it.
GoblinSmithy>> Unless you find death amusing.
Player>> Yeah?
Player>> Do you find this amusing?

Player readies Bomb Toss.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh damn.
Player>> THAT'S RIGHT, BABY!
Player>> SUCK ON YOUR OWN DAMNED BOMB!

Player uses Bomb Toss.
GoblinSmithy takes 260 points of damage.

Player>> HAHA, BITCH!
Player>> WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?
GoblinSmithy>> You, apparently.
GoblinSmithy>> You did type "Haha".
Player>> You're going down, Smithy.
Player>> I'm going to kill you with your own bomb.

I'll be honest with you: I was kind of worried.

That bomb really dropped my HP and the Blue Moron was doing a pretty good job of holding his own and curing himself.

Could this be the end?

Of course not. I'm smarter than this mouth-breathing fool.

Unfortunately, both of our HPs were getting low, so I had to think fast.

GoblinSmithy>> You can't do it.
Player>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> He's delusional and he can't read.
GoblinSmithy>> YOU CAN NO DO IT.
GoblinSmithy>> GOBBY NO GO BOOM.
Player>> You son of a bitch.
Player>> Let's see if you like this.

Player readies Bomb Toss.

And that's when I did something so incredibly stupid that it could only have been thought up by an adventurer.

I rushed him.

Player uses Bomb Toss.
Player takes 250 points of damage.
Player was defeated.

Player>> WTF?!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh dear.
GoblinSmithy>> It seems you dropped your bomb.
Player>> ^&$%^@%$!@#%$#$%#$%^$%$
GoblinSmithy>> You were right though.
GoblinSmithy>> That was funny.

Remember all of those times a Goblin dropped a bomb and you laughed and laughed and laughed?

Sweet, sweet irony.

Huked awn fonix wurked 4 mee

What is wrong with some of you?

I mean aside from the obvious.

Were some of you scared by a grammar book as a child?

Are you somehow allergic to proper spelling?

ARE YOU FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED?

If I have to listen to one more of you idiotic adventurers butchering your own language, you won't have to worry about fighting me.

I'll just kill myself.

Seriously, you cannot imagine the sheer frustration that comes with watching you people massacre a sentence.

I could give an Orc a dictionary and he'd make more sense that most of you.

And that's saying something.

What the hell is "lol"?

I know what it means, you morons.

I mean what kind of absolute asshead would say that?

Some of you even say it in real life. Out loud.

That's actually a justification for murder in some states.

And what about "sum"?

Is it really that difficult to type out "some"?

Perhaps you are trying to ration what few IQ points you have so you have to use as few letters as possible.

Or maybe you are just too damned busy to type ONE EXTRA LETTER.

I'm not being mean when I kill you.

I'm doing the world a service.

I should win the Nobel FRICKIN' Peace Prize.

You people actually deserve to die for your crimes against the english language.

Then there's "w".

That's just going too far.

I mean, brutalizing your own language is one thing. But picking on another language?

That's just wrong.

What did Japanese ever do to you?

I don't care how much anime (read: hentai) you watch, you're still not Japanese.

Oh, your "girlfriend" is Japanese.

You're still retarded.

(On a side note: that girl you stare at during math class does not qualify as your girlfriend)

There's no need to use "w". Just write "Haha".

It's not that hard. It's the sound laughing actually makes.

You should recognize it from the last time you asked out a girl.

You cannot begin to imagine how much I despise the cretins who actually talk like this. Especially during a fight.

Today was the last straw. I had just spent the entire morning fighting the dregs of the mental barrel, when I got attacked by someone who I can only assume was struck in the head as a child.

Repeatedly.

With a brick.

As I did not have a brick, I decided a sword might make a nice alternative.

Player>> (( Fishing )) ---> GoblinSmithy <>
Player>> come and get sum of dis.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
Player>> wut?
GoblinSmithy>> Or that?
Player>> wut do u mean?
GoblinSmithy>> He's trying to communicate with me.
GoblinSmithy>> I can tell.
Player>> WTF?!
GoblinSmithy>> HELLO THERE.
GoblinSmithy>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Player>> dammed goblin
GoblinSmithy>> Funny... you don't look like a goblin.
Player>> u gonna die
GoblinSmithy>> That's it.
GoblinSmithy>> Use your words.
Player>> SHUT UP U ASSFACE
GoblinSmithy>> NO!
GoblinSmithy>> Bad Player!!
GoblinSmithy>> Those words are bad.
Player>> oh ur gonna pay 4 that.
GoblinSmithy>> Great.
GoblinSmithy>> You're bad at english and math.
Player>> u sonuvabitch
GoblinSmithy>> You're German now?
GoblinSmithy>> Could we massacre one language at a time please?
Player>> I HATE U!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh!
GoblinSmithy>> We were so close that time!

After that he got even harder to understand (if you can believe it).

His pathetic attempts at language devolved into a barely recognizable pattern of grunts and moans.

It was like feeding time at the zoo.

As the fight wore on, it became readily apparent that he was not going to survive.

Darwinism at work, people.

GoblinSmithy>> As funny as this is...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm afraid I have to kill you now.
Player>> $%^& u, u $%^&ing Goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't you find it ironic...
GoblinSmithy>> That I speak better english than you?
Player>> #$%#$^$#%^#$%^#$%^#$%^#@#@
GoblinSmithy>> I rest my case.

I felt a little bad about killing someone who was so obviously mentally handicapped.

Luckily, I stabbed him in the brain, so it's not like I damaged anything he was using.

Honestly, I beg of you people. Learn to use your own damned language.

It's getting very sad.

Actually... it's much worse than sad.

Is pathetisad a word?

Oh wait... look who I'm asking.

I Rest My Case

And you people wonder why I hate you.

Am I the Only Sane Person?

Answer: apparently.

I am the only sane person in all of Vana'diel.

I've done extensive sampling of the adventurer, beastman, and monster populations and have come to the conclusion that everyone else is freakin' retarded.

Using some very specific scientific measuring criteria, along with a wide assortment of statistical analysis software, I have organized my findings into a complex graphical presentation.

Now, I had always been aware that the adventurer population was comprised mostl of retards.

I mean, it's not like that was hard to figure out.

But I had always assumed that Beastmen were generally normal.

Well... maybe not all Beastmen.

Still though, aside from Pathfinder, I had always thought the Goblins were quite intelligent, rational beings.

I was wrong.

It seems every other goblin is absolutely, freakin' crazy.

What does it say about our world when a psychopathic, sociopathic serial killer (ie. Me) can be considered the least crazy?

Earlier today, I was walking past the Crag of Dem, when I noticed a ??? on the ground.

Just in case there may have been some treasure involved, I traded a rock salt I had in my pocket to the ???.

I really wish I hadn't.

What happened? A big, freakin' Goblin appears out of nowhere.

Some idiot named GoblinArchaeologist.

And damn if he wasn't ugly.

I don't mean Goblin ugly. I mean ugly for a Goblin.

That's ugly.

Still, I was the one who spawned him, so I figured I should talk to him.

I really wish I hadn't.

GoblinSmithy>> Uhh... Hi there.
GoblinSmithy>> How's it going?
GoblinArchaeologist>> Doo de doo doo, Doo de doooo...
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is that?
GoblinArchaeologist>> Call me Indiana.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh sweet Altana.
GoblinArchaeologist>> No, it's Indiana.
GoblinArchaeologist>> Indiana Jones.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to have to hurt you, aren't I?
GoblinArchaeologist>> Doo de doo doo, Doo de doooo...
GoblinSmithy>> KNOCK THAT OFF!
GoblinSmithy>> You sound like a moron!
GoblinArchaeologist>> No time for love, Doctor Jones.
GoblinArchaeologist>> I'm off to fight the Nazis.
GoblinSmithy>> YOU'RE A GOBLIN!
GoblinSmithy>> We don't fight Nazis!
GoblinArchaeologist>> The Russians?
GoblinSmithy>> We don't fight those either!
GoblinArchaeologist>> Who do we fight then?
GoblinSmithy>> Adventurers.
GoblinArchaeologist>> I AM an adventurer.
GoblinSmithy>> I AM going to have to kill you.
GoblinArchaeologist>> Doo de doo doo, Doo de doooo...
GoblinSmithy>> You're not an adventurer.
GoblinSmithy>> You're a goblin. Like me.
GoblinArchaeologist>> You're an archaeologist, too?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Like me only dumber.
GoblinArchaeologist>> Can I call you Short Round?
GoblinSmithy>> If you want to have your lungs removed.
GoblinSmithy>> Through your ass.
GoblinArchaeologist>> No, thank you.
GoblinArchaeologist>> That might hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> You think?!
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, you're retarded.
GoblinArchaeologist>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't do it.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't do it.
GoblinArchaeologist>> DOO DE DOO DOO, DOO DE DOOOO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> That's it.
GoblinSmithy>> You're dead.

This moron had to die.

I really had no choice in the matter.

Well... okay, I completely had a choice. I could choose not to kill him.

Some people do that occasionally.

But, if I started not killing people, that would totally ruin my image.

I don't think serial insulter has the same ring to it.

So, I pulled out my sword and was just about to stab him when something strange happened.

I got hit.

WITH A WHIP!

I mean, seriously. Who the hell fights with a whip?

Damn, if that didn't hurt though.

GoblinSmithy>> WTH was that?
GoblinArchaeologist>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> The whip.
GoblinArchaeologist>> What whip?
GoblinSmithy>> The one you hit me with.
GoblinArchaeologist>> Ooooohhhhhh...
GoblinArchaeologist>> It's a whip.
GoblinSmithy>> I gathered that much.
GoblinSmithy>> From the stinging flesh and whatnot.
GoblinArchaeologist>> Cool, huh?
GoblinSmithy>> Let me rephrase the question.
GoblinSmithy>> *ahem*
GoblinSmithy>> Who the hell fights with a whip?
GoblinArchaeologist>> Well...
GoblinArchaeologist>> I do.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinArchaeologist>> And that dude from Castlevania.
GoblinSmithy>> Belmont?
GoblinArchaeologist>> Gesundheit.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

He cracked the whip again, but this time I was ready for it.

I parried it with my sword and swooped in on him. My sword was a flurry of slashes in the air.

Things were going well, too. I knew for sure that I was about to win this fight.

And that's when I got ran down by a boulder.

I hate GoblinArchaeologist.

GoblinArchaeologist>> I hate snakes.

Would you shut up?

Those Little Bastards

You know who I hate?

Yes, you.

Yes, him.

Yes, everyone.

But do you know who I really hate?

Stop saying Pathfinder.

I really hate those damned Moogles.

They think they're so big. All running around, helping adventurers.

And they're all like "Oooh, I can fly. Oooooh, I have wings."

Damn, I hate those bastards.

They're like the mutant spawn of a bat and a koala bear. Little flying, teddy bear freaks.

Makes me sick just thinking about them.

And what the hell is that thing sticking out of their heads?

I don't know if that's a freakin' eye or a horn or what. I mean, what's up with that?

I can tell you that they really don't like it when you squeeze it and go "HONK!"

Jerks.

It's just annoying as hell that they get all the glory.

Yeah, yeah. They run the events and take care of your houses.

I turn you into men.

Or women.

Or Galkas. Whatever the hell those guys are supposed to be.

Have you ever considered how much work you have to do for your Moogle?

When was the last time I asked you for eggs with letters on them?

Or to hunt down wild killer armor?

That's right. NEVER.

I handle my own damn business.

They like to act all nice and subservient when you're there in front of them, but, man, you should hear what they say when you guys aren't around.

You give them free room and board in your Moghouse, and you buy them presents.

And if that's not enough, you need to ask them for your own stuff or to change your own job.

That ain't right.

I tell you, those flying flea bags are up to no good.

I ran into one of the bastards this morning. I had just finished a shift in Ordelle's and was grabbing a drink at the tavern before I headed home.

And who pulls up on the stool next to me?

A Moogle.

Moogle>> Anyone sitting here?
GoblinSmithy>> GTFO.
Moogle>> Don't even start with me.
Moogle>> I had a rough day.

He had a rough day.

HE had a rough day.

I spent the majority of the morning getting fileted for treasure chest keys and he has the nerve to tell me HE's having a bad day?

This is not going to end well.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh, yeah. I'm sure it was real rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you break a nail?
Moogle>> You don't even know.
Moogle>> I had to spend the whole morning cleaning.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow.
GoblinSmithy>> Want me to go get you a first aid kit?
Moogle>> Shut up. It was rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Mmm hmm.
GoblinSmithy>> Must be real tough hiding inside all day.
Moogle>> We do serious work.
GoblinSmithy>> Playing with mannequins is not work.
Moogle>> It's not that simple.
Moogle>> We basically run this whole world.
GoblinSmithy>> Suuuuuuuuure you do.
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm leader of the Tenshodo.
Moogle>> You're an ass!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me hurt you, Kupo.
Moogle>> You can't say that.
Moogle>> That's our word.
GoblinSmithy>> I look real scared.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you going to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Hit me with your pom pom?
Moogle>> Care to step outside and settle this?
GoblinSmithy>> My pleasure.

So, we walk outside and i'm just getting warmed up when...

HE SHOOTS ME IN THE BACK WITH AN ARROW!!!

GoblinSmithy>> Dude, what the hell?!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is that?
Moogle>> It's a Power Bow, bitch.
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to pay for that.

I rush him and knock him backwards. I start off with my usual stabbing routine and throw in a punch or two.

He wasn't even fighting back.

But damn if those little bastards aren't hard to hit. Always with the flying around.

GoblinSmithy>> Hold still so I can knife up your face.
Moogle>> Yeah.
Moogle>> That sounds like a good plan, moron.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to come down eventually.

He managed to stay up there for quite a while. And the little bugger kept firing those stupid arrows at me.

Amateur.

I could tell he was starting to get tired though, so I didn't let up.

That bitch was going down.

Slowly, his wings started to droop and he started to descend.

GoblinSmithy>> Who's the Kupo now, BITCH?

Moogle starts casting Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh
GoblinSmithy>> Day
GoblinSmithy>> Yam

Moogle casts Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy takes 2,411 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by Moogle.

Moogle>> Want me to get you a first aid kit, Kupo?

Stupid, saucy, little retards.

I swear to Altana, the next time I see a Moogle i'm going to rip his damned wings off.

I'm going to sneak up to do it, but still.

Damn, I hate Moogles.

Hold Mommy's Hand, Little One

Alternate Title: "To err is human, to power level is retarded."

Why do people feel the constant need for a power level?

YOU'RE PLAYING A FREAKIN' GAME!

I bet you're the kind of people that play FPSs with god mode on just so you don't actually have to do anything.

You know, anything like face a challenge.

Or learn strategy.

Or not be retarded.

Do you really need someone to hold your hand and guide you through the lower levels?

If you just answered yes, then it's time for you to get off the "puter" and get your mommy to tuck you into bed.

I mean, how retarded do you have to be to basically cheat at a game that is supposed to be challenging?

Now, I know what you're thinking. Smithy must really hate power levelers.

You'd be wrong.

Yeah, those power levelers make it possible for even the dumbest n00bs to beat me down.

Well... not the dumbest. I can usually still take out the weakest in the herd.

Still though, it's more work.

I'll aggro the poor sap(s) and just start to get in my stabbing groove when the damn PL will step in and hand me my own face.

That's not fun.

But, even though I often get killed in this fashion, I don't mind.

Call it an investment.

Because I know that next time that player comes around, they won't have a sweet clue as to what to do or how to survive.

Mommy won't always be there to protect you.

And then it's Smithy Time!

Do you have any idea how many n00bs will actually pull me for exp just because they beat me once with a PLer backing them up?

That's just plain stupid.

I can actually hear the stupidity coming because they always say the exact same thing:

Player>> We can totally take a Goblin.
Player>> They're easy.

That roughly translates into:

Moron>> Yoohoo, Mr. Smithy, Sir.
Moron>> Could you please remove my face for me?

I mean, these tards might as well ring a freakin' dinner bell.

And besides, we all know what I do to heroes, right?

Those PLing bitches have to come through my jungle some time. And then...

BOOM!!!

Literally.

That's the sound a Goblin bomb makes.

Still, it is kind of annoying to get beat down by a high level PLer when I'm trying to kill my daily quota of n00bs.

Yesterday I was hanging out in Sauromugue Champaign, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I notice this level 34 player just standing there.

I mean this boy is just standing there doing nothing.

He's just asking for trouble.

Now, I started to wonder if maybe he was AFK. This, of course, meant I did the only honorable thing one could do to an AFK adventurer.

I stabbed that bitch.

Smash! Sword to the chest!

That'll teach him to just stand there.

But then, something funny happened.

He started to fight back.

Seeing that a lowly level 34 was trying to solo me, I couldn't help but laugh.

It was hilarious.

What did he think was going to happen? He'd get 200 xp when I laughed myself to death?

Unfortunately for this fool, I am a strict believer in Darwinism.

This idiot had to die.

So, I go to work.

Stab, stab, Goblin Rush, stab, stab, bomb toss...

Things are looking great. This punk is almost dead and he's barely scratched me.

Then I see it.

WhiteMage casts Cure IV on Player.
Player recovers 380 hp.

Uh oh.

That's when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

WhiteMage>> Excuse me?
WhiteMage>> That's my friend you're stabbing.
GoblinSmithy>> And I care because...
GoblinSmithy>> Help me out here.
WhiteMage>> Well...
WhiteMage>> If you hurt him, I hurt you.
WhiteMage>> Starting to care yet?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
Player>> TAKE THAT, VILE GOBLIN!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Hold that thought a second.

*FACE STAB*

GoblinSmithy>> You were saying something?
WhiteMage>> Sigh.

WhiteMage casts Cure IV on Player.
Player recovers 380 hp.

GoblinSmithy>> You know, he's never going to learn like that.
WhiteMage>> What's stabbing supposed to teach him?
GoblinSmithy>> Basic soloing strategy.
GoblinSmithy>> When to run from battle.
GoblinSmithy>> A healthy fear of swords.
GoblinSmithy>> How to breathe through his neck.
WhiteMage>> Yeah.
WhiteMage>> I'm still going to have to say no.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinSmithy>> It builds character.
Player>> TASTE COLD STEEL!
GoblinSmithy>> Pardon me a second.

*FACE STAB*

WhiteMage>> Keep your guard up, stupid.

WhiteMage casts Cure IV on Player.
Player recovers 380 hp.

GoblinSmithy>> Knock that off!
GoblinSmithy>> Let the tard die in peace.
WhiteMage>> Sorry, man. No can do.
WhiteMage>> He's my little brother.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow. I have a little brother, too.
WhiteMage>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> We play this fun game together.
WhiteMage>> What game?
GoblinSmithy>> The "let my little brother die of stupidity" game.
GoblinSmithy>> It's like Monopoly.
GoblinSmithy>> Except shorter and with more stabbing.
WhiteMage>> I don't like it anymore than you do.
WhiteMage>> But I have to listen to him whine if he dies.
GoblinSmithy>> You're messing with evolution here.
WhiteMage>> I'll risk it.
Player>> DIE, GOBLIN, DIE!
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.

*FACE STAB*

WhiteMage casts Cure IV on Player.
Player recovers 380 hp.

*FACE STAB*

WhiteMage casts Cure IV on Player.
Player recovers 380 hp.

GoblinSmithy>> You're not going to let him die are you?
WhiteMage>> Hmmm... let me see...
WhiteMage>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Perhaps we can work out a compromise.
WhiteMage>> Such as?
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> You just ran out of mp.

*FACE STAB*

Player was defeated by the GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Isn't compromise fun?

GoblinSmithy was defeated by WhiteMage.

GoblinSmithy>> So, no then?

Seriously, people. You're not helping them.

You're only doing three things:

1) you're messing with their natural learning curve and making them even worse players

2) you're pissing me off so I have no choice but to kill them

3) you're pissing me off so I have no choice but to kill you

Remember: I've got a great memory and all the time in the world.

I'll get you.

Damn, I hate PLers.

Smithy Takes a Holiday

I was getting kind of bored with the same old stabbing n00bs in the jungle, so I decided to take the day off.

Okay, I was sick of getting stabbed in the face by high level tards, so I decided to run away and hide.

Who are you to judge me?

Since I had nothing better to do, I figured I'd go find Leaping Lizzy and get back the 15,000 gil I loaned her. She said something about needing Earth crystals to make boots or something.

I wasn't paying attention. A woman starts to talk about shoes and it's just yada, yada, yada, shut the hell up.

Bitch has been hiding from me ever since.

I mean, it's not like I'm made of money. I need that 15,000 gil for very serious, very important things.

Like alcohol.

So, I head on over to Gustaberg.

Right away, I almost say to hell with it. Is having to go to Bastok even worth 15,000 gil?

I'll have to spend that much just to dryclean the Galka smell out of my armor.

But, since I have time to kill, I might as well. Bad things happen when my blood alcohol level gets low and I actually have to think about my life.

I zone into Gustaburg and head straight for Lizzy's regular hang out.

Now, some of you may wonder why she hangs out there all by herself.

The thing is Lizzy is ugly as sin.

Seriously.

This girl looks like she took one too many mauls to the face, if you know what I'm saying.

She's not stupid like the rest of the lizards. The girl can make boots.

Hell, she makes lizard boots. That's hardcore.

But I don't care how smart you are. Ugly is ugly.

I think her mom was a pugil or something.

So, I'm waiting around her hill when I see her spawn off to the left.

GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Lizzy. I...

And then some bastard Ranger shoots her in the face.

Two seconds later, she's dead and I still don't have my 15,000 gil.

Just perfect.

I hang out for a bit. You know, catching some sun and trying to get a tan. She'll be back, I'm sure.

And sure enough, a little over an hour later, she pops again.

GoblinSmithy>> Lizzy, do you have the money...

And a freakin' hume female DRG stabs her in the back. Right in the spine.

DAMMIT!

So, she dies and the DRG goes running off yelling something about having new shoes.

Damned women.

I'm stuck waiting again. This time, I didn't bother getting comfy. I just sat and waited.

A little over an hour later, pop.

GoblinSmithy>> Lizzy, I...

And dead.

SWEET MERCIFUL ALTANA, SOMEBODY GONNA DIE!!!

Is 30 seconds to have a conversation too much to ask?

I mean, I know the girl is ugly, but damn. Let her catch her breath or something.

How would you like getting your ass kicked every morning when you woke up?

Alarm clock rings, throw back the covers, KNIFE TO THE EYE!

I don't think you'd enjoy that too much.

So, I wait and wait and wait.

I checked my watch and saw she should be back any minute now.

Hmmm...

There were a few adventurers in the area. Some THFs, a DRK, and a BRD for some reason.

Suddenly, Lizzy popped behind the tower.

One of the THFs ran up and tried to fire off a ranged attack.

Unfortunately, he accidentally ran into the tip of my sword.

And by accidentally, I mean I jammed it into his torso and screamed "SHISKABOB, BITCHES!"

Seeing that Lizzy was still alive and unclaimed the DRK ran up and pulled out his scythe.

He instantly regretted this decision though.

At least, that looked like regret on his face. It was hard to tell with all the blood and crying.

I turned around just in time to see Lizzy get swarmed by the other adventurers.

It was pretty close, I'll admit. I barely had time to kill one before another would go after Lizzy.

But those adventurer bastards weren't going to beat me. No, sir.

A few bomb tosses later and it was me and Lizzy standing on top of a pile of corpses.

Lizzy>> Wow.
Lizzy>> This is what four seconds feels like.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah. Every second is precious .
GoblinSmithy>> Yada yada yada.
GoblinSmithy>> Where the hell is my money?
Lizzy>> Oh.
Lizzy>> Your money...
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, my money.
Goblinsmithy>> I would like it now.
Lizzy>> Well... things have been kind of rough lately.
Lizzy>> My boots don't sell on the AH anymore.
Lizzy>> And the damned adventurers always stealing them.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you like Justin Timberlake?
Lizzy>> Kind of.
GoblinSmithy>> THEN CRY ME A FREAKIN' RIVER!
GoblinSmithy>> I want my damned money.
Lizzy>> Give me a couple of days.
Lizzy>> I'll have it by Friday, tops.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got a better idea.
Lizzy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> How about I hit you until money falls out?
GoblinSmithy>> It's just like your plan except you get dead.
Lizzy>> ...
Lizzy>> That really doesn't work for me.
GoblinSmithy>> And yet, I do not care.
GoblinSmithy>> I want my money now.
Lizzy>> You know...
Lizzy>> there are other forms of repayment.
Lizzy winks at GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy>> That's sick.
Lizzy>> HEY!
GoblinSmithy>> I think I just threw up in my own mouth.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even joke around about shit like that?
Lizzy>> What's wrong with me?
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
Lizzy>> That's right.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing if your face is inside out.
Lizzy>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Take a cheese grater to that thing and start over.
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
Lizzy>> You're a bastard!
GoblinSmithy>> You walk around with a face like that...
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm the bad guy.
GoblinSmithy>> Where's the justice?
Lizzy>> THAT'S IT!
Lizzy>> I'm not paying you back.
GoblinSmithy>> Hmm...
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe there is another way you can pay.

We worked out a payment plan after that.

Well... not so much a payment plan as me stabbing her in the neck until she was dead and then making boots out of her ugly ass.

Anyone want to buy some ugly ass boots?

Only 15,000 gil.

Goblin Smithy Fan Week

It's that time again, folks. The end of the month is getting close, so it's time to get the fanclub in full swing.

As most of you know, any person who donates $5 or more during the month becomes a member of my fanclub and receives a special, super exclusive gift pack.

Also, I will not possibly not aggro you the next time I see you.

No promises though.

Last months gift pack was very popular. It contained some wallpapers, some exclusive stories, and a few little add ons.

This month, I have all new fan art to send out, new stories, and a bunch of other stuff all for you people who are cool enough to help me out.

I will even include some stories from my childhood as a little Goblin Fisher.

And, as a bonus, the reader who donates the most each month will be given the option of appearing in the blog.

Also, one free death! YAY!

WARNING: please make sure the e-mail address you include is a valid one. A few members did not receive their package last month because they kept getting bounced back as undeliverable.

Also, because I like people who give me money, I am dedicating this week to all of my fans. This week is now officially Goblin Smithy Fan Week.

You're crying tears of joy. I completely understand.

I'll give you a minute.

...

Are you done yet?

For fan week, I will be accepting story ideas from any reader creative enough to suggest them. I've died in pretty much every way possible, so feel free to suggest what you will.

I will most likely have scars that go along with your idea.

Also, if you have any fan art you might like to see sent out in the gift pack, feel free to send it to me. I will either include it or send you an e-mail detailing your failure as an artist.

Win-win, right?

Okay, I have to get back to writing up another update. Damn, writing is hard with these hands.

Also, whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously has never been stabbed in the chest with a sword.

I'm just saying.

Does It Make You Feel Big?

Do you guys all have serious inadequacy issues?

It's cool. You can tell me.

I totally understand if you're a giant loser.

But does you being a complete and utter failure mean that you have to come to my jungle and pick a fight with me?

I thought we were friends.

Every couple of days lately, a high level player will come and pick on me.

No, no. Not like picking up for people in Yuhtunga. That's because you're trying to impress them.

I mean the tards who follow me out to Yhoator and come and stab me for no good reason.

At least let me kill a few n00bs or something.

I can accept a stabbing if I deserve it.

But no. Some high level, low IQ bastard has to come around and kill me.

And not just once, mind you.

Oh no.

These pricks hang around and kill me again.

And again.

And again.

That's not cool.

I mean, yeah kill me. That's the point of the game.

But do you really need to spend your day stalking me?

I'm not that important.

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to take a nice, relaxing duty shift in Yhoator.

You know, hang out around the caves, kill any moron walking by.

Normal goblin stuff.

That's when this damned high level Hume THF walks up to me and decides to kick my ass.

Seriously.

I'm just standing there, minding me own business, when all of a sudden I hear him say something about a Sneak Attack and then...

BOOM! I'm looking out of the other side of my head.

GoblinSmithy>> Way to sneak up behind a guy.
GoblinSmithy>> Very honorable.
Thief>> That's for killing me when I was level 29.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you looked familiar.
GoblinSmithy>> You don't forget that kind of ugly.
Thief>> Now, we're even.
GoblinSmithy>> You should go get even with your mom.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean DAMN!
Thief>> Shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want my mask?

He got angry after that and stalked off.

I waited what I thought was a fair amount of time and then I HPed back to my spawn point.

And guess who was there.

Thief>> Surprise!!!
Thief>> (( Sneak Attack )) --> GoblinSmithy
GoblinSmithy>> You're a jerk.

So, now, I'm sucking dirt again.

And does he leave?

No.

He waits.

The stupid bastard is waiting for me to HP again.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing?
Thief>> I'm getting revenge.
GoblinSmithy>> For what?!
Thief>> All those times you killed me.
Thief>> I'm going to make you pay.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh gosh! I killed da big bad Thief.
GoblinSmithy>> Iz oo gonna cwy?
Thief>> Just wait.
Thief>> I've got all day.
GoblinSmithy>> I bet you do.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you should get a girlfriend.

I was hoping if he got pissed off enough, he might just leave.

Sadly, he didn't seem to be going anywhere.

I'd HP and BAM!

Dead.

HP.

Dead.

What the hell was I going to do?

Then I got an idea.

GoblinSmithy>> Psssssttt.
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want to be friends again?
GoblinPathfinder>> What's the trick?
GoblinSmithy>> No trick.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I saw a path I wanted to show you.
GoblinPathfinder>> A path?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah. A really cool path.
GoblinSmithy>> Just hop on over.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm coming, buddy.

I waited a few minutes and, just as I was starting to wonder if that idiot got lost, I saw him come around a turn and head right toward the Thief.

With his bee.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, big double ugly.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have to HP.
Thief>> And why's that?
GoblinSmithy>> My friend is here.
GoblinSmithy>> He'll teach you a lesson.
Thief>> That moron?
Thief>> Oh please.

The Thief turned and rushed Pathfinder. He pulled out his dagger and went to work on him.

Pathfinder wasn't just going to sit there and take it, though. He pulled out his weapon and both of them went at it.

Perfect.

I waited. And waited. And waited.

The Thief was obviously going to win, but Pathfinder was taking down his health pretty well.

Just as Pathfinder was about to die, I HPed and snuck up right behind the Thief.

GoblinSmithy>> Surprise!!!
GoblinSmithy>> (( Sneak Attack )) --> Thief

And I stabbed him with everything I had.

In the ass.

Thief>> WTF?!
GoblinSmithy>> How do you like it, bastard?
Thief>> You stabbed me in the ass.
GoblinSmithy>> You asked for it.

The Thief finished off Pathfinder pretty quick after that.

Apparently, a sword in the lower colon is great motivation.

Then he turned on me. Honestly, I didn't have a chance.

Maybe it was his higher level.

Maybe it was the fact my sword was no longer in my hand.

Maybe it was me laughing too hard to fight back.

Either way, I got stabbed in the face again and died, still laughing.

But then, strangely, he walked (read: limped) away.

GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you leaving?
Thief>> Shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> I want that sword back.
Thief>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Why the hate?
GoblinSmithy>> What got stuck up your ass?

I may have lost the battle, but I won the war.

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm glad we're friends again.
GoblinSmithy>> Die in a fire.

Dynamis - Attempt 4

I knew something was wrong when Shaman called me yesterday.

There was something about his voice.

Something I didn't like.

Unfortunately, he was able to bypass my better judgement by using the magic word: money.

Come to Valkurm, he said. Make lots of money, he said.

I honestly should have known better.

But, as I've mentioned before, I am apparently a very slow learner.

It might have something to do with daily blows to the head from ambitious, young adventurers. I don't know. I'm not a Goblin Doctor.

So, with thoughts of fame and fortune (mostly fortune) in my mind, I grabbed a Tele-Holla and headed for Valkurm.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Valkurm. For those of you who are not, let me describe it for you.

Imagine a beautiful, tropical beach complete with palm trees and exotic wild life. Nestled in this gorgeous oasis is a quaint fishing village that acts as a port for a rustic ferry.

Now, imagine a beach rampant with stupidity. Truly, the air is thick with the mindless, senseless, often grammarless cries of the uneducated. Next to the beach you will find a pile of corpses. Under the plam trees, corpses. Next to the quaint fishing villages, corpses.

Did I mention the corpses?

Seriously. This place is Darwinism in action.

Flocks of n00bs make their way to these shores on a daily basis only to be met with certain death.

It's nice.

As I make my way over the sand dunes (stopping to "naturally select" a few adventurers on the way), I notice a hazy shape in the distance. An outpost.

Next to the outpost, in all of his Black Mage-y glory is Shaman. And next to Shaman...

That had better be a mirage.

Next to Shaman was Pathfinder.

Note to self: Have discussion with Shaman, Re: punctured torsos.

My first instinct was to turn around and walk away. Sadly, the promise of money and the sand collecting in my subligar made walking away seem a poor choice.

Sigh.

GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Pardon me for asking, but have you gone retarded?
GoblinShaman>> Well, I do hang out with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Good point.
GoblinSmithy>> What's he doing here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I have a name you know.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but can you spell it?
GoblinShaman>> Both of you, knock it off.
GoblinShaman>> You're getting on my nerves.
GoblinPathfinder>> He started it.
GoblinSmithy>> Know what gets on my nerves?
GoblinSmithy>> Firaga III.
GoblinShaman>> That can be arranged if you don't quiet down.
GoblinSmithy>> Big talk, Mage Boy.
GoblinSmithy>> Put your money where I'm about to stick this sword.
GoblinShaman>> Calm down.
GoblinShaman>> I brought you guys here to work this out.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's so nice of you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Group hug!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me murder you.
GoblinSmithy>> So, what was your plan exactly?
GoblinSmithy>> The pretty beach view would spur us into forgiveness?
GoblinShaman>> Not exactly.

Suddenly, the sky went dark and things around us changed. Everything was dark.

Dark and cold.

Why did this seem so familiar?

And why did seeing it make my skin feel itchy?

This almost looks like...

VanguardSmithy>> SWEET MERCIFUL ALTANA!
VanguardSmithy>> THIS IS DYNAMIS!
VanguardShaman>> Dynamis-Valkurm to be exact.
VanguardPathfinder>> I'm scared of the dark.
VanguardSmithy>> I hate you.
VanguardShaman>> Now. We can all work together.
VanguardShaman>> Or we can all die.
VanguardShaman>> It's up to you guys.
VanguardSmithy>> I'm pretty sure we're going to die anyway.
VanguardPathfinder>> Oh look!
VanguardPathfinder>> A path!
VanguardSmithy>> At least I'll take both of you with me.
VanguardShaman>> That's the spirit.
VanguardShaman>> What are we going to do?

I mulled our options over carefully. My extensive training in battle tactics and my devotion to Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" ran through my head like a torrent.

Slowly, I formulated a master plan.

VanguardSmithy>> WE RUN AWAY LIKE LITTLE GIRLS!
VanguardPathfinder>> I am so down with that plan.
VanguardPathfinder>> Just wish I had my car here.
VanguardSmithy>> Shut up.
VanguardPathfinder>> she gets great traction in sand.
VanguardSmithy>> SHUT UP!
VanguardSmithy>> You're going to pay for this Shaman.

We hustled for the Secret Beach. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see 18 adventurers zone into the area.

Good work, Shaman. You bring us to the embodiment of stupidity and death, and then you decide this would be a great place to do Dynamis.

I've always wanted to be killed by high level n00bs.

VanguardSmithy>> Hurry up, guys.
VanguardSmithy>> There's 18 of them right behind us.
VanguardShaman>> 18?
VanguardSmithy>> Yes, 18.
VanguardSmithy>> ...
VanguardSmithy>> Why?
VanguardShaman>> There should be 36.
VanguardPathfinder>> Where's the other 9?
VanguardSmithy>> I hate you.

We were running through the tunnel to the Secret Beach and I was just starting to wonder where the other 18 adventurers were.

Maybe the first 18 were logging in early to get started and the other 18 would log in in a few minutes.

Plenty of time to hide.

Just as I thought that, we ran out through the other end of the tunnel...

And straight into the other 18 adventurers, regrouping in the "safety" of the secret beach.

Paladin>> SHIT! More of them!
Ninja>> Light them up, boys!

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.

VanguardSmithy>> Shaman...
VanguardSmithy>> Remind me to pour salt on you in about an hour.

On the bright side, Pathfinder and I have become "friends" again.

Nothing like charred, burning flesh to bring two people together.

No Update Tonight

><

DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT

Somehow, I got talked into Dynamis again. I'm starting to think I may actually be retarded.

Anyway, it's going to be a few hours before these skin grafts take, so there won't be an update tonight.

I'll be back tomorrow and next week I'll post some extra stories to make up for the delay.

So sorry my flesh being burned from my bones is causing you discomfort.

Bastards.

Stupid. Not Helpful.

I have to admit, I was actually grateful to Pathfinder for a minute or two.

I mean, when he mowed down that field of tards, he really saved my ass. Saved my ass from puncturing to be specific.

And I do so hate having my ass punctured.

I was just about to thank him, when he stumbled, half-drunk, out of the SUV and collapsed on the ground.

GoblinPathfinder>> Iyy yalmosht had joo.
GoblinSmithy>> Me?
GoblinSmithy>> You were trying to hit me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeaaw.
GoblinPathfinder>> I thing sooo.
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks, anyway.
GoblinPathfinder>> Dun thank mee.
GoblinPathfinder>> Iyam yur archnesemis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Archnememis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Archsemenis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Weer not freends.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, man.
GoblinSmithy>> You sound like an AOLer.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yu tack dat back.
GoblinSmithy>> Or what?
GoblinSmithy>> You'll run down another alliance?
GoblinPathfinder>> Dat wus an alliansh?
GoblinSmithy>> Was being the operative word.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, they look like an expressionist painting.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wassan essipreshinist?
GoblinSmithy>> They is all mashed up right good.
GoblinPathfinder>> Ooh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Long ash sumbuddy got hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> You really are retarded, aren't you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do peeple keep askin me dat?

Out of pity, I took Pathfinder back to his house and poured coffee down his throat until he sobered up.

He screamed for the first few minutes, but then the burning swelled his throat shut.

He was mercifully quiet after that.

That was a good thing. Half way to his house he started singing Billy Talent songs and I almost had to murder him.

Eventually, he managed to regain control of his... limited faculties and started talking sensibly.

Well... as sensibly as Pathfinder ever could.

GoblinPathfinder>> Oh my head hurts.
GoblinSmithy>> What did you drink?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I think it was blue.
GoblinSmithy>> Why were you drinking anyway?
GoblinPathfinder>> My new best friend suggested it.
GoblinSmithy>> New best friend?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah. He's cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nice little guy I met near a swamp.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say a swamp?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Little guy kept asking to warp me.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh damn.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then we decided to get a drink.
GoblinSmithy>> So you went to an Inn.
GoblinSmithy>> Or a tavern.
GoblinPathfinder>> No.
GoblinPathfinder>> We came here.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't care.
GoblinPathfinder>> My new buddy went to get some of his friends.
GoblinSmithy>> FriendS?

*knockknockknock*

GoblinSmithy>> Don't open that door.
GoblinPathfinder>> That would be rude.
GoblinPathfinder>> WHO'S THERE?
AngryMob>> Angry Mob.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm sorry.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know an Angry Mob.
AngryMob>> ...
AngryMob>> Flower delivery.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oooo FLOWERS!
GoblinSmithy>> You're so damned retarded.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're just jealous.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope they kill you first.

I don't remember much after that. Pathfinder opened a door, I saw angry faces, and then things went black.

Actually... they went firey and stabby.

And then they went black.

I preferred the black to be honest.

Damn, I hate angry mobs.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sweet merciful Altana, leave me the hell alone!

I haven't had a single minutes rest since my last blog update. Every second has been adventurer after adventurer screaming at me and trying to stab me to death.

It seems you guys must really like that little bastards.

Unfortunately, I don't have your stupid Taru anymore.

Last time I saw him, he was slowly sinking into a swamp. Moron was still mumbling something about warping me.

So, you can just stop following me. I don't have him. I don't.

Can't you tards just go to Windurst and find another Taru or something?

I mean, they're not hard to steal.

Look how easily I took yours.

Okay... bad example.

But no. Every damned adventurer on the planet is now chasing my ass down to get that idiot back.

I don't need that kind of attention.

It's kind of hard to get my stabbing on with a legion of adventurers breathing down my neck.

Just this morning, I was on my regular duty shift in Yhoator Jungle when I got ambushed by an entire alliance of high level players.

They did not look pleased.

Paladin>> Where's our warp Taru, you little bastard?
GoblinSmithy>> Your what?
Paladin>> The warp Taru from Al Zahbi.
RedMage>> We want him NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> Uh...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have him.
RedMage>> YES, YOU DO!
GoblinSmithy>> you must be thinking of a different goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> I think I saw Pathfinder with a Taru.
Ninja>> Then we'll just have to kill you.
GoblinSmithy>> I totally have him.
Paladin>> Where is he?
GoblinSmithy>> Now?
RedMage>> NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> That's hard to say really.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how small those damned Tarus are.
Ninja>> If you don't give him back, we're going to get angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Get?!
Ninja>> You don't want to see us angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Frankly, I don't want to see you at all.
GoblinSmithy>> Especially that Galka in the back.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, man. Buy a mask or something.
GoblinSmithy>> You're scaring the mandies.
BlackMage>> Can I just set him on fire now?
Paladin>> Not yet.
Paladin>> He needs to tell us where the Taru is first.
BlackMage>> Nothing starts a conversation like melted flesh.
BlackMage>> I'm just saying.
GoblinSmithy>> Do I get a vote?
Paldin>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
Ninja>> If you give us the Taru, we'll let you go.
GoblinSmithy>> Just speaking hypothetically...
GoblinSmithy>> What if I don't have him?
GoblinSmithy>> What if hes, oh I don't know, in a swamp?
Ninja>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Hypothetically.
Ninja>> Well... then we'd just have to stab you.
Ninja>> A lot.
GoblinSmithy>> That doesn't work for me.
GoblinSmithy>> Could we maybe go with a stern warning?
Paladin>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> You've left me no choice then.

Slowly, I moved my body into the classic Praying Mantis stance and unsheathed my weapon.

Then, with a slow, deep breath...

I ran like my feet were on fire and my ass was catching.

The Paladin tried using Provoke, but I wasn't having that shit. He can say whatever the hell he likes and I'm still not getting provoked into dying.

What am I stupid or something?

I was just about to hit the zoneline when I saw it...

BlackMage casts Bind on the Goblin Smithy.

GoblinSmithy>> OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!

They caught up to me quickly after that. I was trapped and helpless.

What do I do? What do I do?

There were a good dozen pointy things pointed directly at my torso when I heard screaming.

Mercifully, it wasn't me.

RandomPlayer>> WARNING!
RandomPlayer>> PATHFINDER ON WAY TO ZONE!
RedMage>> Should we move back?
Paladin>> Why?
Paladin>> We can handle a Pathfinder, too.

Things looked horribly bleak. My life was just about to flash before my eyes.

And then they got hit by an SUV.

HAHA, BITCHES!

Alternate Title: "Smithy Tries Besieged"

This morning, things at work were absolutely bat shit insane.

Turns out a whole bunch of mobs from the Al Zahbi area decided not to show up and there was a huge Besieged scheduled to take place.

What do the powers that be do in this type of situation?

Do they postpone the event until our forces can arrive?

No.

Do they send in what forces we have and hope for the best?

No.

Do they reinstitute the draft and take unwilling participants and force them into war?

Uhh... yeah, apparently.

I'm getting geared up for my usual duty in Yhoator. You know, sharpening the sword and scotchguarding my armor to protect it from n00b blood.

And that's when they came in. Two big, burly Gigas (those sons of bitches) stomp their way in and start choosing random mobs to throw into battle.

Then, I noticed something strange. Something alarming...

They were pointing at me.

Well, gee freakin' whiz. Lucky me.

The next thing I know, I'm being rushed out the door and wrapped up in some strange Near East clothes. It looked like I was the lead actor in Pirates of Penzance.

Smithy was not happy.

So, I'm standing around in the most uncomfortable gear ever created and who do I see?

Shaman.

Luckily, Pathfinder was nowhere to be seen.

GoblinPathfinder>> HEYA, GUYS!

DAMMIT!

I have to stop saying shit like that.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Pathfinder.
GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy. What's up?
GoblinSmithy>> Not much. Hoping not to die.
GoblinShaman>> Let's not shoot for the stars here.
GoblinSmithy>> Very funny.
GoblinSmithy>> If I die, I'm haunting you.
GoblinShaman>> And how exactly that would be different from now?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd say ' Boo' a lot more.
GoblinShaman>> Ah.
GoblinShaman>> Arer you two going to be cool together?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... he's not driving a car...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm cool with it if he is.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah, well...
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not driving a car either!
GoblinSmithy>> Nice comeback.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you hurt yourself?
GoblinPathfinder>> A little.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing a couple of stabbings wouldn't cure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll be okay.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope not.
GoblinShaman>> Smithy, stop that. Be nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll work with him if I have to.
GoblinShaman>> That's the spirit.
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's go.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait. I made you a card.
GoblinSmithy>> If it says "Let's BEE friends," you're retarded.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> nevermind.
GoblinSmithy>> Thought so. Let's get going.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me just grab my hat.
GoblinPathfinder>> MR. BEEINGTON!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> What did you do to him?!
GoblinSmithy>> I found him like this.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> I just found him lying on the ground like this.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay then.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an idiot.
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> I said let's go.

Now, as soon as we set out, I knew this event was going to suck.

They didn't even warp us to the town gates. Oh hell no. They had to drop us off in the middle of nowhere and make us walk the rest of the way.

Note to self: remember to burn down Bhaflau Thickets

So, there we were, a massive fighting force of Near Eastern undead along with a random assortment of mobs from around the world.

Seeing a Mandy in a robe and turban was just damned funny.

The walk was not.

Anyway, we're marching our way through the Thickets when, out of nowhere, an alliance of adventurers pounced on us and started tearing through our ranks.

Things looked pretty nasty until Shaman and the various Black Mages in our group went to work. Black Mages from every beastman race and continent started chanting in unison and then the air around us turned to fire.

Welcome to the International House of Pain, Bitches.

A handful of Firaga IIIs later, and things were quiet again.

We continued our march, a little more lighthearted at watching some adventurers burn to death, and finally made it to Al Zahbi...

Where three more alliances were waiting for us.

Oh.

Day.

Yam.

But they just stood there. Waiting.

I mean, I've heard of (( Bio )) breaks, but Damn.

GoblinSmithy>> Hello?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you there?
Player1>> We're here.
Player2>> Well... except for one of the DRKs.
Player2>> He went to have sex with his girlfriend.
Player1>> He'll be back in two minutes.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> Umm...
GoblinSmithy>> Why aren't you attacking us yet?
Player1>> We want to see you guys attack the town.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> So...
GoblinSmithy>> You're just going to let us in?
Player2>> Oh yeah.
Player2>> We want to see you guys tear the place up.
GoblinSmithy>> Is this like a remedial class or something?
GoblinSmithy>> Is there a councillor or something to talk to?
Player1>> It'll be fun.
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> WTF is wrong with you people?
Player1>> Just go on in already.
GoblinSmithy>> I feel like I'm in the Special Olympics.

So, we march right on past those guys. Three alliances full of people who signed up specifically to kill us and now, they're giving tours of their homes.

I really don't understand people.

As we marched in through the gates, I was amazed at how big this town was. Goblins not having their own town *coughcough*, I was awestruck at how nice it seemed.

Unfortunately, since this beautiful thing was not mine, I would have to destroy it.

I'm like that.

We went quickly about our work and started killing anyone and anything in our way.

Then, apparently the three alliances must have come out of their stupidity-induced coma because they poured in behind us and started ripping through our lines.

I was just starting to get a nice bloodlust going, when a random adventurer stopped and started to stare at me.

Player4>> Are you supposed to be here?
GoblinSmithy>> No. I'm here to drop off a package.
GoblinSmithy>> Of course I'm supposed to be here, you moron.
Player4>> But you're not Near Eastern.
GoblinSmithy>> How do you know?
Player4>> You're a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> So, I can't be Near Eastern?
Player4>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> MY MAMA CAN'T BE NEAR EASTERN?
Player4>> Oh damn.
Player4>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> EAT SWORD, YOU RACIST PIG!!!

*FACESTAB*

GoblinSmithy>> Btw, can you direct me to the Astral Plinth?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not from the Near East.

Things took a sour turn after that. The adventurers must have called in reinforcements because we were swarmed.

There were adventurers everywhere.

I was just starting to get scared when the retreat horn blew. Our remaining forces ran in every direction and started to zone.

As I ran for the nearest zoneline, a pack of rabid adventurers hot on my heels, I grabbed an NPC to take as a hostage. Luckily, he was a Taru, so he wasn't hard to carry.

With barely a second to spare, I hit the zoneline and made it safely away.

I was walking away, trying to nurse my own wounds, when I noticed the little Taru mumbling something.

GoblinSmithy>> What?
Taru>> *whisperwhisper*
GoblinSmithy>> No, I don't want a warp now.
GoblinSmithy>> Retard.

I just pitched him in the nearest swamp.

I mean, who's going to miss one little Taru?