Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Smithy Takes a Holiday

I was getting kind of bored with the same old stabbing n00bs in the jungle, so I decided to take the day off.

Okay, I was sick of getting stabbed in the face by high level tards, so I decided to run away and hide.

Who are you to judge me?

Since I had nothing better to do, I figured I'd go find Leaping Lizzy and get back the 15,000 gil I loaned her. She said something about needing Earth crystals to make boots or something.

I wasn't paying attention. A woman starts to talk about shoes and it's just yada, yada, yada, shut the hell up.

Bitch has been hiding from me ever since.

I mean, it's not like I'm made of money. I need that 15,000 gil for very serious, very important things.

Like alcohol.

So, I head on over to Gustaberg.

Right away, I almost say to hell with it. Is having to go to Bastok even worth 15,000 gil?

I'll have to spend that much just to dryclean the Galka smell out of my armor.

But, since I have time to kill, I might as well. Bad things happen when my blood alcohol level gets low and I actually have to think about my life.

I zone into Gustaburg and head straight for Lizzy's regular hang out.

Now, some of you may wonder why she hangs out there all by herself.

The thing is Lizzy is ugly as sin.

Seriously.

This girl looks like she took one too many mauls to the face, if you know what I'm saying.

She's not stupid like the rest of the lizards. The girl can make boots.

Hell, she makes lizard boots. That's hardcore.

But I don't care how smart you are. Ugly is ugly.

I think her mom was a pugil or something.

So, I'm waiting around her hill when I see her spawn off to the left.

GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Lizzy. I...

And then some bastard Ranger shoots her in the face.

Two seconds later, she's dead and I still don't have my 15,000 gil.

Just perfect.

I hang out for a bit. You know, catching some sun and trying to get a tan. She'll be back, I'm sure.

And sure enough, a little over an hour later, she pops again.

GoblinSmithy>> Lizzy, do you have the money...

And a freakin' hume female DRG stabs her in the back. Right in the spine.

DAMMIT!

So, she dies and the DRG goes running off yelling something about having new shoes.

Damned women.

I'm stuck waiting again. This time, I didn't bother getting comfy. I just sat and waited.

A little over an hour later, pop.

GoblinSmithy>> Lizzy, I...

And dead.

SWEET MERCIFUL ALTANA, SOMEBODY GONNA DIE!!!

Is 30 seconds to have a conversation too much to ask?

I mean, I know the girl is ugly, but damn. Let her catch her breath or something.

How would you like getting your ass kicked every morning when you woke up?

Alarm clock rings, throw back the covers, KNIFE TO THE EYE!

I don't think you'd enjoy that too much.

So, I wait and wait and wait.

I checked my watch and saw she should be back any minute now.

Hmmm...

There were a few adventurers in the area. Some THFs, a DRK, and a BRD for some reason.

Suddenly, Lizzy popped behind the tower.

One of the THFs ran up and tried to fire off a ranged attack.

Unfortunately, he accidentally ran into the tip of my sword.

And by accidentally, I mean I jammed it into his torso and screamed "SHISKABOB, BITCHES!"

Seeing that Lizzy was still alive and unclaimed the DRK ran up and pulled out his scythe.

He instantly regretted this decision though.

At least, that looked like regret on his face. It was hard to tell with all the blood and crying.

I turned around just in time to see Lizzy get swarmed by the other adventurers.

It was pretty close, I'll admit. I barely had time to kill one before another would go after Lizzy.

But those adventurer bastards weren't going to beat me. No, sir.

A few bomb tosses later and it was me and Lizzy standing on top of a pile of corpses.

Lizzy>> Wow.
Lizzy>> This is what four seconds feels like.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah. Every second is precious .
GoblinSmithy>> Yada yada yada.
GoblinSmithy>> Where the hell is my money?
Lizzy>> Oh.
Lizzy>> Your money...
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, my money.
Goblinsmithy>> I would like it now.
Lizzy>> Well... things have been kind of rough lately.
Lizzy>> My boots don't sell on the AH anymore.
Lizzy>> And the damned adventurers always stealing them.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you like Justin Timberlake?
Lizzy>> Kind of.
GoblinSmithy>> THEN CRY ME A FREAKIN' RIVER!
GoblinSmithy>> I want my damned money.
Lizzy>> Give me a couple of days.
Lizzy>> I'll have it by Friday, tops.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got a better idea.
Lizzy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> How about I hit you until money falls out?
GoblinSmithy>> It's just like your plan except you get dead.
Lizzy>> ...
Lizzy>> That really doesn't work for me.
GoblinSmithy>> And yet, I do not care.
GoblinSmithy>> I want my money now.
Lizzy>> You know...
Lizzy>> there are other forms of repayment.
Lizzy winks at GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy>> That's sick.
Lizzy>> HEY!
GoblinSmithy>> I think I just threw up in my own mouth.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even joke around about shit like that?
Lizzy>> What's wrong with me?
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
Lizzy>> That's right.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing if your face is inside out.
Lizzy>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Take a cheese grater to that thing and start over.
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
Lizzy>> You're a bastard!
GoblinSmithy>> You walk around with a face like that...
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm the bad guy.
GoblinSmithy>> Where's the justice?
Lizzy>> THAT'S IT!
Lizzy>> I'm not paying you back.
GoblinSmithy>> Hmm...
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe there is another way you can pay.

We worked out a payment plan after that.

Well... not so much a payment plan as me stabbing her in the neck until she was dead and then making boots out of her ugly ass.

Anyone want to buy some ugly ass boots?

Only 15,000 gil.

12 Comments:

Blogger TecnoBrat said...

Well... not so much a payment plan as me stabbing her in the neck until she was dead and then making boots out of her ugly ass.

Anyone want to buy some ugly ass boots?


Hahaha, classic, I didn't see that coming :)

3:28 PM  
Blogger Myloko said...

I want some lizzy boots ;_; Send em to me on Titan please :D

5:26 PM  
Blogger Twinblades said...

*Twinblades purchases a pair of Lizard boots from GoblinSmithy's bazaar* Yay New boots :D *

6:32 PM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

LOL, woot, i'll have the boots gobby, shame they're rare ex :( does that mean i can only get them if i run you through with a big shiney sharp blade ?
Ok i'll leave the 15k on your leaky corpse :)

5:44 AM  
Blogger Kittypenguin said...

DAMN you said it's your holiday. You just hit me on my back while I was focusing and aiming my gun at a mandragora!

I hate you.

8:04 AM  
Blogger lithpiperpilot said...

Lizzy>> You know...
Lizzy>> there are other forms of repayment.
Lizzy winks at GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy>> That's sick.


Keep up the good work!

2:16 PM  
Blogger Reeree said...

Kittypenguin - what the hell did you think Goblin Smithy would DO for a holiday?

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Nazyreth from Phoenix said...

What would smithy do for a Klondike bar?

6:56 PM  
Anonymous Neyla said...

Is having to go to Bastok even worth 15,000 gil?

The answer is no. You only go there for Dynamis, after which you take a 20 minute shower to scrub all the stink off.

11:51 AM  
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