Saturday, May 20, 2006

Dynamis - Attempt 4

I knew something was wrong when Shaman called me yesterday.

There was something about his voice.

Something I didn't like.

Unfortunately, he was able to bypass my better judgement by using the magic word: money.

Come to Valkurm, he said. Make lots of money, he said.

I honestly should have known better.

But, as I've mentioned before, I am apparently a very slow learner.

It might have something to do with daily blows to the head from ambitious, young adventurers. I don't know. I'm not a Goblin Doctor.

So, with thoughts of fame and fortune (mostly fortune) in my mind, I grabbed a Tele-Holla and headed for Valkurm.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Valkurm. For those of you who are not, let me describe it for you.

Imagine a beautiful, tropical beach complete with palm trees and exotic wild life. Nestled in this gorgeous oasis is a quaint fishing village that acts as a port for a rustic ferry.

Now, imagine a beach rampant with stupidity. Truly, the air is thick with the mindless, senseless, often grammarless cries of the uneducated. Next to the beach you will find a pile of corpses. Under the plam trees, corpses. Next to the quaint fishing villages, corpses.

Did I mention the corpses?

Seriously. This place is Darwinism in action.

Flocks of n00bs make their way to these shores on a daily basis only to be met with certain death.

It's nice.

As I make my way over the sand dunes (stopping to "naturally select" a few adventurers on the way), I notice a hazy shape in the distance. An outpost.

Next to the outpost, in all of his Black Mage-y glory is Shaman. And next to Shaman...

That had better be a mirage.

Next to Shaman was Pathfinder.

Note to self: Have discussion with Shaman, Re: punctured torsos.

My first instinct was to turn around and walk away. Sadly, the promise of money and the sand collecting in my subligar made walking away seem a poor choice.


GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Pardon me for asking, but have you gone retarded?
GoblinShaman>> Well, I do hang out with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Good point.
GoblinSmithy>> What's he doing here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I have a name you know.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but can you spell it?
GoblinShaman>> Both of you, knock it off.
GoblinShaman>> You're getting on my nerves.
GoblinPathfinder>> He started it.
GoblinSmithy>> Know what gets on my nerves?
GoblinSmithy>> Firaga III.
GoblinShaman>> That can be arranged if you don't quiet down.
GoblinSmithy>> Big talk, Mage Boy.
GoblinSmithy>> Put your money where I'm about to stick this sword.
GoblinShaman>> Calm down.
GoblinShaman>> I brought you guys here to work this out.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's so nice of you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Group hug!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me murder you.
GoblinSmithy>> So, what was your plan exactly?
GoblinSmithy>> The pretty beach view would spur us into forgiveness?
GoblinShaman>> Not exactly.

Suddenly, the sky went dark and things around us changed. Everything was dark.

Dark and cold.

Why did this seem so familiar?

And why did seeing it make my skin feel itchy?

This almost looks like...

VanguardSmithy>> THIS IS DYNAMIS!
VanguardShaman>> Dynamis-Valkurm to be exact.
VanguardPathfinder>> I'm scared of the dark.
VanguardSmithy>> I hate you.
VanguardShaman>> Now. We can all work together.
VanguardShaman>> Or we can all die.
VanguardShaman>> It's up to you guys.
VanguardSmithy>> I'm pretty sure we're going to die anyway.
VanguardPathfinder>> Oh look!
VanguardPathfinder>> A path!
VanguardSmithy>> At least I'll take both of you with me.
VanguardShaman>> That's the spirit.
VanguardShaman>> What are we going to do?

I mulled our options over carefully. My extensive training in battle tactics and my devotion to Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" ran through my head like a torrent.

Slowly, I formulated a master plan.

VanguardPathfinder>> I am so down with that plan.
VanguardPathfinder>> Just wish I had my car here.
VanguardSmithy>> Shut up.
VanguardPathfinder>> she gets great traction in sand.
VanguardSmithy>> SHUT UP!
VanguardSmithy>> You're going to pay for this Shaman.

We hustled for the Secret Beach. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see 18 adventurers zone into the area.

Good work, Shaman. You bring us to the embodiment of stupidity and death, and then you decide this would be a great place to do Dynamis.

I've always wanted to be killed by high level n00bs.

VanguardSmithy>> Hurry up, guys.
VanguardSmithy>> There's 18 of them right behind us.
VanguardShaman>> 18?
VanguardSmithy>> Yes, 18.
VanguardSmithy>> ...
VanguardSmithy>> Why?
VanguardShaman>> There should be 36.
VanguardPathfinder>> Where's the other 9?
VanguardSmithy>> I hate you.

We were running through the tunnel to the Secret Beach and I was just starting to wonder where the other 18 adventurers were.

Maybe the first 18 were logging in early to get started and the other 18 would log in in a few minutes.

Plenty of time to hide.

Just as I thought that, we ran out through the other end of the tunnel...

And straight into the other 18 adventurers, regrouping in the "safety" of the secret beach.

Paladin>> SHIT! More of them!
Ninja>> Light them up, boys!

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on VanguardSmithy.

VanguardSmithy>> Shaman...
VanguardSmithy>> Remind me to pour salt on you in about an hour.

On the bright side, Pathfinder and I have become "friends" again.

Nothing like charred, burning flesh to bring two people together.


Blogger Myloko said...

Poor Smithy... you should keep notes to remind yourself what not to do ever again ;p

10:43 PM  
Blogger Hutea said...

Now, imagine a beach rampant with stupidity. Truly, the air is thick with the mindless, senseless, often grammarless cries of the uneducated.



That about sums it up right there.

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot to say God how I hate Dynamis and Shaman

1:26 AM  
Anonymous Julia said...

VanguardShaman>> There should be 36.
VanguardPathfinder>> Where's the other 9?

Ell em ef ay oh. I laughed so hard I woke up my sleeping baby. -.-

This blog is hilarious, please keep 'em coming. :)

5:17 AM  
Anonymous [gm]Smithy said...

Why allowing non-members comments here and not on [GM]Dave's ?

Come on, I don't want to have to create an account to tell Scorn he's a total retard.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Onionsoilder said...

Haha... When you said I hate Firega III, where you refering to Dynamisis or Shaman's one? You should have gone on a n00b killing spree while working together instead ;p

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously. This place is Darwinism in action.

superb xD, except in this place the selected "few" to die always return and eventually preceed to qufim, while in Darwinism they extinct.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Thistle said...

Our warp taru was taken on Midgar yesterday. I tried hunting you down and killing you a few times, but that didn't get him back. :( Where's that swamp you mentioned?

11:18 AM  
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