Those Little Bastards

You know who I hate?

Yes, you.

Yes, him.

Yes, everyone.

But do you know who I really hate?

Stop saying Pathfinder.

I really hate those damned Moogles.

They think they're so big. All running around, helping adventurers.

And they're all like "Oooh, I can fly. Oooooh, I have wings."

Damn, I hate those bastards.

They're like the mutant spawn of a bat and a koala bear. Little flying, teddy bear freaks.

Makes me sick just thinking about them.

And what the hell is that thing sticking out of their heads?

I don't know if that's a freakin' eye or a horn or what. I mean, what's up with that?

I can tell you that they really don't like it when you squeeze it and go "HONK!"

Jerks.

It's just annoying as hell that they get all the glory.

Yeah, yeah. They run the events and take care of your houses.

I turn you into men.

Or women.

Or Galkas. Whatever the hell those guys are supposed to be.

Have you ever considered how much work you have to do for your Moogle?

When was the last time I asked you for eggs with letters on them?

Or to hunt down wild killer armor?

That's right. NEVER.

I handle my own damn business.

They like to act all nice and subservient when you're there in front of them, but, man, you should hear what they say when you guys aren't around.

You give them free room and board in your Moghouse, and you buy them presents.

And if that's not enough, you need to ask them for your own stuff or to change your own job.

That ain't right.

I tell you, those flying flea bags are up to no good.

I ran into one of the bastards this morning. I had just finished a shift in Ordelle's and was grabbing a drink at the tavern before I headed home.

And who pulls up on the stool next to me?

A Moogle.

Moogle>> Anyone sitting here?
GoblinSmithy>> GTFO.
Moogle>> Don't even start with me.
Moogle>> I had a rough day.

He had a rough day.

HE had a rough day.

I spent the majority of the morning getting fileted for treasure chest keys and he has the nerve to tell me HE's having a bad day?

This is not going to end well.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh, yeah. I'm sure it was real rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you break a nail?
Moogle>> You don't even know.
Moogle>> I had to spend the whole morning cleaning.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow.
GoblinSmithy>> Want me to go get you a first aid kit?
Moogle>> Shut up. It was rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Mmm hmm.
GoblinSmithy>> Must be real tough hiding inside all day.
Moogle>> We do serious work.
GoblinSmithy>> Playing with mannequins is not work.
Moogle>> It's not that simple.
Moogle>> We basically run this whole world.
GoblinSmithy>> Suuuuuuuuure you do.
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm leader of the Tenshodo.
Moogle>> You're an ass!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me hurt you, Kupo.
Moogle>> You can't say that.
Moogle>> That's our word.
GoblinSmithy>> I look real scared.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you going to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Hit me with your pom pom?
Moogle>> Care to step outside and settle this?
GoblinSmithy>> My pleasure.

So, we walk outside and i'm just getting warmed up when...

HE SHOOTS ME IN THE BACK WITH AN ARROW!!!

GoblinSmithy>> Dude, what the hell?!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is that?
Moogle>> It's a Power Bow, bitch.
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to pay for that.

I rush him and knock him backwards. I start off with my usual stabbing routine and throw in a punch or two.

He wasn't even fighting back.

But damn if those little bastards aren't hard to hit. Always with the flying around.

GoblinSmithy>> Hold still so I can knife up your face.
Moogle>> Yeah.
Moogle>> That sounds like a good plan, moron.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to come down eventually.

He managed to stay up there for quite a while. And the little bugger kept firing those stupid arrows at me.

Amateur.

I could tell he was starting to get tired though, so I didn't let up.

That bitch was going down.

Slowly, his wings started to droop and he started to descend.

GoblinSmithy>> Who's the Kupo now, BITCH?

Moogle starts casting Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh
GoblinSmithy>> Day
GoblinSmithy>> Yam

Moogle casts Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy takes 2,411 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by Moogle.

Moogle>> Want me to get you a first aid kit, Kupo?

Stupid, saucy, little retards.

I swear to Altana, the next time I see a Moogle i'm going to rip his damned wings off.

I'm going to sneak up to do it, but still.

Damn, I hate Moogles.