Thursday, May 25, 2006

Those Little Bastards

You know who I hate?

Yes, you.

Yes, him.

Yes, everyone.

But do you know who I really hate?

Stop saying Pathfinder.

I really hate those damned Moogles.

They think they're so big. All running around, helping adventurers.

And they're all like "Oooh, I can fly. Oooooh, I have wings."

Damn, I hate those bastards.

They're like the mutant spawn of a bat and a koala bear. Little flying, teddy bear freaks.

Makes me sick just thinking about them.

And what the hell is that thing sticking out of their heads?

I don't know if that's a freakin' eye or a horn or what. I mean, what's up with that?

I can tell you that they really don't like it when you squeeze it and go "HONK!"


It's just annoying as hell that they get all the glory.

Yeah, yeah. They run the events and take care of your houses.

I turn you into men.

Or women.

Or Galkas. Whatever the hell those guys are supposed to be.

Have you ever considered how much work you have to do for your Moogle?

When was the last time I asked you for eggs with letters on them?

Or to hunt down wild killer armor?

That's right. NEVER.

I handle my own damn business.

They like to act all nice and subservient when you're there in front of them, but, man, you should hear what they say when you guys aren't around.

You give them free room and board in your Moghouse, and you buy them presents.

And if that's not enough, you need to ask them for your own stuff or to change your own job.

That ain't right.

I tell you, those flying flea bags are up to no good.

I ran into one of the bastards this morning. I had just finished a shift in Ordelle's and was grabbing a drink at the tavern before I headed home.

And who pulls up on the stool next to me?

A Moogle.

Moogle>> Anyone sitting here?
GoblinSmithy>> GTFO.
Moogle>> Don't even start with me.
Moogle>> I had a rough day.

He had a rough day.

HE had a rough day.

I spent the majority of the morning getting fileted for treasure chest keys and he has the nerve to tell me HE's having a bad day?

This is not going to end well.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh, yeah. I'm sure it was real rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you break a nail?
Moogle>> You don't even know.
Moogle>> I had to spend the whole morning cleaning.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow.
GoblinSmithy>> Want me to go get you a first aid kit?
Moogle>> Shut up. It was rough.
GoblinSmithy>> Mmm hmm.
GoblinSmithy>> Must be real tough hiding inside all day.
Moogle>> We do serious work.
GoblinSmithy>> Playing with mannequins is not work.
Moogle>> It's not that simple.
Moogle>> We basically run this whole world.
GoblinSmithy>> Suuuuuuuuure you do.
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm leader of the Tenshodo.
Moogle>> You're an ass!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me hurt you, Kupo.
Moogle>> You can't say that.
Moogle>> That's our word.
GoblinSmithy>> I look real scared.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you going to do?
GoblinSmithy>> Hit me with your pom pom?
Moogle>> Care to step outside and settle this?
GoblinSmithy>> My pleasure.

So, we walk outside and i'm just getting warmed up when...


GoblinSmithy>> Dude, what the hell?!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is that?
Moogle>> It's a Power Bow, bitch.
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to pay for that.

I rush him and knock him backwards. I start off with my usual stabbing routine and throw in a punch or two.

He wasn't even fighting back.

But damn if those little bastards aren't hard to hit. Always with the flying around.

GoblinSmithy>> Hold still so I can knife up your face.
Moogle>> Yeah.
Moogle>> That sounds like a good plan, moron.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to come down eventually.

He managed to stay up there for quite a while. And the little bugger kept firing those stupid arrows at me.


I could tell he was starting to get tired though, so I didn't let up.

That bitch was going down.

Slowly, his wings started to droop and he started to descend.

GoblinSmithy>> Who's the Kupo now, BITCH?

Moogle starts casting Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh
GoblinSmithy>> Day
GoblinSmithy>> Yam

Moogle casts Thunder III on the GoblinSmithy.
GoblinSmithy takes 2,411 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by Moogle.

Moogle>> Want me to get you a first aid kit, Kupo?

Stupid, saucy, little retards.

I swear to Altana, the next time I see a Moogle i'm going to rip his damned wings off.

I'm going to sneak up to do it, but still.

Damn, I hate Moogles.


Blogger Rich said...

You just took care of every time I wanted to shout "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MY @#^$ YOU FLYING RODENT!"


Yeah, the annoying little bastards deserve it. Get to the damned point already!

2:13 AM  
Blogger Silver 9 said...

Dear Goblin Smithy,

You missed a n00b Samurai...I'm not sure how this managed to get by you, but still.

No, it's not me.

Next time you come onto the Valefor server, find this Samurai and kill him.


Through whatever means necessary.

You'll spot him easily because he will be wearing the full Soil far eastern set. You will be doing us all a favor.

And I'm sure you'd enjoy it.

A lot.

Did I mention the part about stabbing him thousands of times?

Your friend (if you do this, that is),

Slvr - Valefor server

3:35 AM  
Blogger Kittypenguin said...

man, those moogle beat you in the love contest. And they also beat you on a battle.
yay for the moogles \'A'/

4:13 AM  
Blogger tarinakarelia said...

OMG lmao!!!!!!!! my entire family plays FFXI and we all sit around and read your blog (s) together. its like.. those old days when you used to sit around playing monopoly.. only now, we sit around laughing at the planned misfortunes of others!! please keep writing!!!

4:48 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

"They're like the mutant spawn of a bat and a koala bear. Little flying, teddy bear freaks."

OH MY GOD LMAO that was hysterical, i've always wondered what that bobble on the head was, i guess its a lightning conductor (hmmm not that would work in the air but this is a game lol)

6:20 AM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

hehehehe The koala comment was hilarious!

They are a tad annoying - especially when you change jobs and then they start spinning around and around and around! It's like "STOP SPINNING YOU LITTLE RETARD!"

11:23 AM  
Blogger Hutea said...

Soo, Smithy...

I probably shouldn't tell you that some friends and I have pretty much agreed that that pom-pom is how moogles reporoduce..should I?

*waits for the flying daggers*

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GoblinSmithy>> Don't make me hurt you, Kupo.
Moogle>> You can't say that.
Moogle>> That's our word.

^Hilarious XD

I almost missed it.

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Barum said...

ZOMG The funniest FFXI stuff I have ever seen. I wanna link you.
got a smallish image I can use?

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goblin Smithy, where can I find your Email address? I made something for you.

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