Thursday, May 04, 2006

My Date With a Lamia

Alternate Title: "Smithy Gets Some Tail."

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

I woke this morning with a new resolve: I'm gettin' me some Lamia.

So first thing I did was make my way over to Arrapago Reef.

Damn, that was a pain in the ass.

First, I had to get to Mhaura. I mean, seriously, who the hell goes to Mhaura? For a second or two, I even forgot how to get there.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is a Mhaura?
GoblinSmithy>> Is he an NPC or something?
GoblinShaman>> It's the town where the ship from Valkurm docks.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> That place.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought that was like a gas station or something.

They could have replaced the entire town with a sign that says "Boat dock here".

Then, the ship showed up.

Dear lord Promathia.

There was a flood of people trying to get on the ship. It was frightening.

I'm pretty sure they were all on their way to unlock Blue Mage. Or Corsair. Or that other thing.

I could tell because of the glazed look to their eyes and the drool running slowly from the corners of their mouths.

It seemed like forever standing amongst those blank, staring faces. Until, finally, the boat docked again in Arrapago Reef.

Happiness is not an adequate word for what I felt when that door opened. I could literally feel the IQ of air around me rise as those mindless fools ran off to "get da blu maeg!"

The walk to Caedarva Mire was not long, but it was longer than would have been nice.

All those new guys looking at me. I mean, damn those guys are ugly.

Luckily, compared to those guys, I must look gorgeous.

Catch them while their expectations are low. That's how Smithy rolls.

It wasn't long before I finally zoned into Caedarva Mire. As soon as I did, it was like everything changed.

My senses became heightened. I could practically smell the females around me.

GoblinSmithy>> Careful, ladies.
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy's in town. And he's ready to aggro.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to find any females.

I mean, what the hell? How hard could it be to find a 6 foot tall, blue half snake lady?

But, no. Everywhere I looked was skeletons and fomors.

How charming.

A little black nail polish and we could film a Linkin Park video.

Sigh.

So, I start walking around looking for some female companionship (read: I was gonna tap that keg), and that was when I saw her.

Damn.

This "girl" was fine. I mean that tail was enough to raise my smithing skill.

If you know what I mean.

Which you should.

It's pretty easy.

Raise my smithing skill.

It's a euphemism.

For she got me turned on.

Sexually.

I popped a mint (which was not easy since I was wearing my helmet) and walked over to her. During the whole boat trip, I had been working on something smart and mature to say to her.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm new in town. Could you give me directions...
GoblinSmithy>> To your pants?
Lamia>> That was terrible.
GoblinSmithy>> How about "are those goblin pants?"
GoblinSmithy>> Cause I feel like linking with that ass.
Lamia>> I'm not even wearing pants.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> One obstacle down.
Lamia>> Do you mind?
GoblinSmithy>> Not if you buy me dinner first.
Lamia>> You need to stop talking.
GoblinSmithy>> That's right. Talk is cheap.
GoblinSmithy>> Luckily, hotel rooms are affordable.
GoblinSmithy>> You want to come back and meet my "moogle"?
Lamia>> Dear Altana...

I was starting to worry a bit as this point. I mean, no play after gold like that?

What's a gobby have to do?

GoblinSmithy>> I like those pants.
Lamia>> I'm not wearing pants, remember?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like to see you in the matching top.
Lamia>> I've got a better idea.

I'm not quite sure what happened after that. She waved her staff, I saw some hearts, and then she told me to throw myself off the nearest cliff.

And I listened.

As I fell and my body was mashed into a fine paste, I could only think one thing.

GoblinSmithy>> Maybe she'll like me tomorrow.

Kind of romantic, huh?

GoblinSmithy>> Cause I want to tap that.

Romantic can have multiple meanings.

Such as tapping.

Seriously. Tomorrow, that girl is mine.

Damn, I hate dating.

11 Comments:

Blogger Artos said...

Young love....

1:56 AM  
Blogger Thistle said...

Aww, poor Goblin Smithy. I need to donate for this month, so perhaps you might like to put the funds towards an *ahem* "dating service"? Might be easier than just walking up to random females and trying your luck.

2:42 AM  
Anonymous Lamia said...

YOu remind me of a certain black mage from 8-bit with those pick up lines. Would it be so hard for you just to ask us nicely and by nicely no face stabbing or they will get you more charming to do stuff you don't wanna do. Like maybe go to a emo dance party with pathfinder? BUt then again I'm not that evil.... yet. But please smithy if you want action ask nicely

3:32 AM  
Blogger Reeree said...

I don't want to say I told you so...

who am I kidding? Yes, I do.

I told you so.

She treated you like you treat Pathfinder. Stab her with your knife first, then stab her until you can't get any more smithing skill ups.

4:05 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

Might i suggest Smithy as a female to a friendly gobby that you are gonna need some help there.
Maybe {bind} and {silence} could be your new best friends. I don't think you should go with {paralyse} though i'm sure you prefer them to at least act alive lol.
Ok thats enough before i let down my gender lol

Later gobby, i'll see you later are {Spirits Within} my Anelace into your head if you still ain't getting any. :)

6:24 AM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

hehehe Aww poor Smithy. Just keep working that Smithy charm and she'll come around. And if she doesn't, you can stab her.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous BM said...

" YOu remind me of a certain black mage from 8-bit with those pick up lines."


Smithy does not come close to match my awesomeness.

Hadoken-less gob.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Mentally_Hilarious said...

I like swords.

10:04 AM  
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