Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Mr. & Mrs. Smithy

Alternate Title: "Which is cheaper: a divorce or a murder trial?"

Well, it finally happened. My wife and I have separated.

It was inevitable, really. The spark was gone. The bloom was off the rose.

Plus, I was starting to notice how damned dog ugly she was.

Lately, we'd been doing nothing but fighting. Literally fighting.

Damn her stupid parrying skill.

But yesterday, she pushed me too far. Way too far.

Consdiering we were on the edge of a volcano in Ifrit's Cauldron, that was a bad thing. The argument got "heated" after that.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that about?
MrsSmithy>> I'm leaving you.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine. Leave me.
GoblinSmithy>> Just don't try and push me into any more volcanoes.

Drama Queen.

MrsSmithy>> I found another man.
GoblinSmithy>> What?!
GoblinSmithy>> Another MAN?!
MrsSmithy>> Well... not so much a man...
MrsSmithy>> As a Gigas.
GoblinSmithy>> A FREAKIN' GIGAS?!!!
MrsSmithy>> He loves me.
GoblinSmithy>> I guess the cold gets to your brain after a while.
MrsSmithy>> Shut up. He adores me.
GoblinSmithy>> You probably remind him of his mom.
GoblinSmithy>> Only uglier.
MrsSmithy>> You son of a bitch!
GoblinSmithy>> And heavier.
MrsSmithy>> That's IT!

That's when she broke my heart.

Seriously. She stuck a knife in there and broke my heart.

I got a good shot in and caught her right in the face with my axe.

Sadly, it really didn't make much of a difference.

GoblinSmithy>> But why?
GoblinSmithy>> What's a Gigas got that I don't?
MrsSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't say it.
MrsSmithy>> Let's just say he's using a Great Sword.
GoblinSmithy>> DON'T SAY IT!
MrsSmithy>> As opposed to your little dagger.

Talk about hitting a guy where it hurts. A lot.

Now, in order to save my manhood and honor, I had to come up with something to say back to her.

Something sharp and witty. Something that would cut her to the core.

GoblinSmithy>> What wouldn't seem small to you, Shamoo?


MrsSmithy>> I really don't want to fight anymore.
GoblinSmithy>> Too damned bad.
GoblinSmithy>> A FREAKIN' GIGAS?!
MrsSmithy>> We don't think like that. I love him as a man.
MrsSmithy>> And he loves me as a woman.
GoblinSmithy>> Ooooooooh!
GoblinSmithy>> He's blind! I get it now!
MrsSmithy>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe I can help him out.
GoblinSmithy>> I could right 'UGLY' on your forehead in braille.
MrsSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinSmithy>> And maybe '(( RUN AWAY! ))' on your ass.
MrsSmithy>> I NEVER!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, you did.
GoblinSmithy>> Remember that time in Castle Zhavl?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm surprised you didn't crush me.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope the Gigas has strong hip bones.

Things kind of degenerated from there. By the end, we were both covered in blood, sweat, and the remains of a Mithra that wandered in between us.

I think I had her, though. She was really low in the red hp and I was still doing okay. A few more hits and it would be all over.

And then it happened.

I got hit.

In the back.

With a rock.

Damn, I hate Gigas.


Anonymous Cyrex of Bismarck said...

ouch >.>

i hate gigas too, killed me so many times on bst, smithy killed me more tho :P

now go get one of those cute Lamia XD

11:07 AM  
Blogger Aretha said...

aaw, poor little guy <3 you will be better soon, i'm sure you'll find a puppet master trio to stab this very evening, and everything will be allright :* (kiss). Well. No for them XD

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Kinikki said...

Oh poor Smithy! Don't worry, you can take your anger out on a few more BLUs CORs and PUPs ^_^ I'll go Gigas slaying in Delkfutt's later.

But as Cyrex said, I hear the Lamia's are single and looking =3

12:43 PM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

OMG! Stupid Giga!!! They are way uglier than gobs! I agree with Cyrex and kinikki - go get yourself a Lamia. And then when MrsSmithy comes crawling back on her knees begging for forgiveness, stab her in the face.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Hutea said...

"Which is cheaper: a divorce or a murder trial?"

...Depends on how much time you want to put into it.. Divorce takes longer =p

Don't worry Smithy.. I'm sure you'll find a few (hundred) Blue mages to slaughter ...and the occasional thf

1:36 PM  
Blogger Laucion said...

I agree wit the former statements saying that you need to go get you a Lamia. They look pretty good, plus they can call the undead to do their bidding :P

1:53 PM  
Blogger Reeree said...

A goblin shouldn't be tied down. Get yourself a hooker, I mean female Corsair (though I'm not sure how you tell them apart from the men), and rest up GTA style.

Oh, and thank you for doing your part to keep the Mithra population down. Bob Barker wants you to get all Mithra spayed and neutered, or - if no vets are available - stabbed repeatedly.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Meroduin said...

Lamia.... what the hell is wrong with you people? What can possibly be attractive about a blue-skinned half-woman with the lower body of a giant constrictor snake, not to mention the hood?

How is that attractive? Just because they have forked tongues? Is it the frozen to death skin tint that gets you going? Or the iridescent scales where her ass should be? Or the rumors about lamia and head?

Listen people - they have no males. Did you get that? THEY HAVE NO MEN. They raise the dead for their service. Did you catch that? THEY MAKE THEIR OWN STIFFS. And you think this is attractive? What are you, nuts? And have you noticed they only come out at night? How many more warning signs do you need to let you know that LAMIA ARE A BAD IDEA???

Also, you can't take them on the airship.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Laucion said...

I didn't think about the whole airship thing. But it could be possible for Smithy to just...wait for it...Steal another whore, I mean girl or whatever he wants.

Go stab a few Bluemages and Puppetmasters, Smithy, I'm sure it'll make you feel tons better.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Teenage Lamia said...

your hurt my feelings Meroduin.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Helm Beetle said...

WTF you need a wife for.
I hear about players beeing raped by you all the time.
You get all the milk you want wth would you want the big stupid cow ;)

6:27 PM  
Anonymous James said...

You are not real ... you are a fake...

Sorry couldn't resist

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Found this today while skimming a boring forum about nasty GMs. I then proceeded to idle away an entire afternoon at work reading ALL previous entries as well as the GMDave stuff. Thank you. I laughed soooooo hard. The tears, sideache, and general lack of work being done made this a much better Tuesday than i was expecting.

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Phoe of Sylph said...

Already I'd plea for ya if you went for divorce man. Hell, I might even side with you on the murder case.

Killing her is hardly murder, it's more, I suppose, cleansing of the planet. Greenpeace will thank you.

In the meanwhile: go pick yourself up some cute lil Lamiae to occupy yourself with.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Reeree said...

Kill her all you want.

She'll just Home Point.

Better than killing her, kill her and Pathfinder at the same time.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Green Armadillo said...

Quoth Reeree: "Better than killing her, kill her and Pathfinder at the same time."

Even better, set her up with Pathfinder. Pathfinder sounds like he deserves her, and you'll have the added convenience of two people you want dead under the same roof.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Deathclaw said...

To the poster; James,

You are quite smart. I mean, thank you for stating that a fictional character from a video game isn't real! Who ever could have guessed?! I hope you're very proud of yourself for that astonishing fact that you found.

Anyway, great blog Smithy, keep up the good work! ^^

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Gigas Wallwatcher said...

Me and Ms, Ms Smithy, Ms Smithy, Ms Smithy ...

(Ms Jones ? Nah, too old now)

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Lamiae said...

"Also, you can't take them on the airship."

So what ? Last time Smithy took his wife on an airship, CoP 6-4 happened.

There are separate fights because it would be too horrible to have to fight that thing all at once.

That and the airship would fall.
The weight they can fly is limited, you know ?

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, are you sure your knife would not like, be stuck in her fats or something if you stabbed her? Knives are costly too, ya know ;D

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well a good way to take revenge would've been cutting the gigas' greatsword into pieces and then force them up his ass... What?

1:57 PM  
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8:55 PM  
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4:15 PM  

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