Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Moving On

As many of you read, my marriage has come to an end.

Having spent a great deal of time mourning over the death of our relationship, I decided it was time to move on.


It's been almost 24 hours.

And considering I've been sleeping with other people for six months, it's not actually that hard to move on.

A Smithy has his needs you know.

We're all about the "stabbing". Wink, wink.

So, I took some time today to browse through the fine selection of females available in Vana'diel.

1) Adventurers

Right away, I eliminated all of the Adventurers.

I mean those Mithra are hot, but I really hate cat fur on my furniture. Plus, the litterbox would be disgusting.

And the humes had to go because I can't tell the difference between the guys and the girls. You humes should have to wear name tags or something.

I didn't want to eliminate the Elvaans, but quite frankly, they're too tall. Smithy doesn't climb just to plant the flag.

Don't even mention the Taru. I don't go for that kind of stuff. Anyone who gets turned on by a race that looks like children is just sick.

With those options gone, I moved on to the Beastwomen.

2) Gigas

I'm not sure if there are female Gigas, but I sure as hell know I'm not finding out. Damn things look like they wash their faces with cheese graters.

I mean, damn.

3) Orcs

The Orcish Females were out of the question. I like my women to be well educated.

And special education doesn't count.

4) Quadavs

Now, Quadav women don't look too bad. I'd totally hit that.

But that damned shell gets in the way. If you think a metal subligar chafes, try getting some action through one of those things.

5) Yagudo

The Yagudo are hot, too. Unfortunately, they're all feminists.

They really don't find it funny when you call them chicks.

6) Demons

We'll just completely skip over female demons. Imagine emo and neurotic.

7) Anticans

We can skip the Antica as well. I don't know if they're anything like other bugs, but I'd prefer not to find out.

Eating a mate after sex. That's just rude.

8) Sahagins

I dated a Sahagin for a few months in high school, but that got old real fast.

Nothing like a pregnancy scare with four hundred eggs to put a relationship in perspective.

9) Tonberries

Sweet Altana, no. Hell no. No, no, no.

Tonberries look like little, green, special ed kids. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fall for anything that looks like Kermit the frog caught leprosy.

You'll notice my choices are starting to get a little thin.

Luckily, the new expansion opened up several new possibilities.

10) Imps

Imagine Tonberries and Demons could have children. That would be an Imp.

So, little, ugly, nasty, emo women. Oh, yeah. Sign me up for that.


11) Qutrub

*undefinable screams of terror*

12) Qiqirn

What the hell are these things?

I'm not sure if I should take it out on a date or take it out for a walk.

Nasty, rat-looking things.

13) Mamool Ja

Oh, hell no. No girl is going near my "inventory" with teeth like that.

I might as well jam it into a can opener.

14) Trolls

Now, I don't mind the big women. I'm cool with some extra cushion.

But when the big women come with a side order of big ugly, I'm going to send that back. The only cushion I'd want is placed over my face until I suffocate.

And this leaves us with...

15) Lamia

Now we're talking. Hot chicks that wear very little clothes.

Very, very little clothes.

Smithy like.

Those ladies are hot as hell. I would totally hit that.

Plus, they have everything I look for in a woman. Meat and a heartbeat.

That settles it. Tomorrow, I'm gonna find me a Lamia.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao cool - I must admit they are pretty hot in a evil little mermaid kinda way. Watch the charm tho - basically you could NEVER get in a argument w/her and win.

Lamia: Charms Goblin Smithy
Goblin Smithy: Yes dear

its all over!

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Reinbach said...


That's not really any different with any other kind of woman. Lamia are just more up front about it.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Reeree said...

We're not friends, so this isn't advice or concern so much as mockery: Lamia will betray you.

They're snakes, it's in their nature.

I know what you're thinking. You're overlooking the poison sacks and the fangs to get all excited about the things she can do by detaching her jaw.

She can swallow a Gobbue whole, smithy - you won't find any friction in that.

Best of luck!

I stab you, too.

5:46 PM  
Anonymous Nazyreth said...

Not to mention lamia are totally easy. One of their favorite things to do is take off all your clothes. . .

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Lamia said...

actuly we perfer tarus as our meals.

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:50 PM  
Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

Eww.. On ething Lamia's got going for them are their boobs... They have no junk in the trunk ya know?

You could be a summoner and summon a shiva to do your bidding.. If your in to that kinda stuff...

12:45 AM  
Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

EDIT: Shit.. You better watch out..
You got one of them Lamia Idolater's messing up your game smithy.

12:54 AM  
Anonymous Phoe of Sylph said...

We gotta bear in mind the guy is just after a bit of fun. So what if she eventually cheats on him or whatnot. These are loose women, y'know? Smithy can just go pick up another one... or two... Fun.

I dunno about Shiva, might be hard to get wood in such a cold 'climate'.

Stab you lots, Smithy.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Aeriel said...

LMAO Lamia, oh dear just wanna let you know smithy that the word on the street is that they have teeth "down there"!

{take care}{goblin}

PS when you get s shift on gilgamesh sometime feel free to stab me with a big dagger, i've been told by bleed in a pleasing way :)

8:34 AM  
Blogger Hutea said...

And the humes had to go because I can't tell the difference between the guys and the girls. You humes should have to wear name tags or something.

Uhm.. Isn't that why my name floats over my head? O.o

9:27 AM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

YAY!!! You're getting some Lamia!!!!

BTW to the other posters - he didn't say he was settling down with one, he just wants to get some action.

Now Smithy - when you start to get feelings for this girl (that's when your lil heart beats a lil faster and *gulp* you start to care about the other person), get out as fast as you can, because everyone else is right - she'll get your roped in so fast you won't know what hit you. Or stabbed you. or.. whatever. You're smart, you'll figureit out.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Arwenne said...

Mmm... slithery. ^^

11:41 AM  
Blogger Reeree said...

Who said anything about settling down? I just said that a Lamia will betray Goblin Smithy.

You thought I meant cheat on him? Why would he care about that?

As long as he still gets some when he wants it, and doesn't develop pus filled boils in the process...

Which, actually, with a Lamia, is rather likely...

3:24 PM  
Blogger Bellemithra said...

good point.

MrSmithy - please use protection. It will possibly prevent you from contracting those pus-filled boils, not to mention getting the b*tch pregnent. You don't need some Lamia hooking you in with child support for some Lamia-Gob-Fish-Snake-knife-stabbing offspring (that she'll claim is yours) for the next 18 years. Do yourself (and Vana'diel) a favor, use a glove if you want the love. =P

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This won't end well...

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:20 PM  
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11:42 PM  

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