Moving On

As many of you read, my marriage has come to an end.

Having spent a great deal of time mourning over the death of our relationship, I decided it was time to move on.

What?

It's been almost 24 hours.

And considering I've been sleeping with other people for six months, it's not actually that hard to move on.

A Smithy has his needs you know.

We're all about the "stabbing". Wink, wink.

So, I took some time today to browse through the fine selection of females available in Vana'diel.

1) Adventurers

Right away, I eliminated all of the Adventurers.

I mean those Mithra are hot, but I really hate cat fur on my furniture. Plus, the litterbox would be disgusting.

And the humes had to go because I can't tell the difference between the guys and the girls. You humes should have to wear name tags or something.

I didn't want to eliminate the Elvaans, but quite frankly, they're too tall. Smithy doesn't climb just to plant the flag.

Don't even mention the Taru. I don't go for that kind of stuff. Anyone who gets turned on by a race that looks like children is just sick.


With those options gone, I moved on to the Beastwomen.

2) Gigas

I'm not sure if there are female Gigas, but I sure as hell know I'm not finding out. Damn things look like they wash their faces with cheese graters.

I mean, damn.

3) Orcs

The Orcish Females were out of the question. I like my women to be well educated.

And special education doesn't count.

4) Quadavs

Now, Quadav women don't look too bad. I'd totally hit that.

But that damned shell gets in the way. If you think a metal subligar chafes, try getting some action through one of those things.

5) Yagudo

The Yagudo are hot, too. Unfortunately, they're all feminists.

They really don't find it funny when you call them chicks.

6) Demons

We'll just completely skip over female demons. Imagine emo and neurotic.

7) Anticans

We can skip the Antica as well. I don't know if they're anything like other bugs, but I'd prefer not to find out.

Eating a mate after sex. That's just rude.

8) Sahagins

I dated a Sahagin for a few months in high school, but that got old real fast.

Nothing like a pregnancy scare with four hundred eggs to put a relationship in perspective.

9) Tonberries

Sweet Altana, no. Hell no. No, no, no.

Tonberries look like little, green, special ed kids. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fall for anything that looks like Kermit the frog caught leprosy.


You'll notice my choices are starting to get a little thin.

Luckily, the new expansion opened up several new possibilities.

10) Imps

Imagine Tonberries and Demons could have children. That would be an Imp.

So, little, ugly, nasty, emo women. Oh, yeah. Sign me up for that.

Next.

11) Qutrub

*undefinable screams of terror*

12) Qiqirn

What the hell are these things?

I'm not sure if I should take it out on a date or take it out for a walk.

Nasty, rat-looking things.

13) Mamool Ja

Oh, hell no. No girl is going near my "inventory" with teeth like that.

I might as well jam it into a can opener.

14) Trolls

Now, I don't mind the big women. I'm cool with some extra cushion.

But when the big women come with a side order of big ugly, I'm going to send that back. The only cushion I'd want is placed over my face until I suffocate.


And this leaves us with...

15) Lamia

Now we're talking. Hot chicks that wear very little clothes.

Very, very little clothes.

Smithy like.

Those ladies are hot as hell. I would totally hit that.

Plus, they have everything I look for in a woman. Meat and a heartbeat.


That settles it. Tomorrow, I'm gonna find me a Lamia.