On Hiatus

As you've probably noticed, the update schedule for the blog has gone to hell.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I just don't feel like writing these nights. I'm usually dropping tired or just can't find the words to write.

That doesn't mean the blog is ending. Far from it.

I just need to get back into the swing of things.

I think the problem started with the schedule as I set it. I wanted to update everyday and I think I'm just getting a little burnt out.

For the next little while at least, the update schedule will be erratic. I'll write when the mood strikes me and when it's something that I think is worth you reading. That might be ten times a week or two.

I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, if you check back occasionally, I'm sure you'll often find something new to read. I just need a little time to find the spark that made me love writing these stories.

There will be a fan pack this month, and I'm going to channel alot of my effort into it. I'm going to try to have four exclusive stories, as well as a special article on the real inspiration for writing this blog in the first place.

No. This is not a goodbye. I just need a little break.

Stop crying.

Ask A Stupid Question...

Oh dear Altana.

It seems Pathfinder has discovered the internet.

At first, I thought it would be kind of funny. You know, with him flooding the Beastmaster forums with "OMGBEEZIZLEET!" threads.

And then it happened.

He somehow managed to order a copy of the Brady guide to FFXI.

*ominous crash of thunder*

You'd think this might make him smarter, right?

Have you ever read the Brady guide?

Not only is he as dumb as usual, but now, he walks around all day asking stupid questions.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why aren't there any female Galkas?
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do they call it aggro?
GoblinPathfinder>> Does anyone actually use the deodorize spell?

It's enough to drive me crazy.

And coming from a homicidal serial killer, that's pretty damned bad.

Today, Shaman and I were heading to Davoi. I really needed a new axe, so I decided to go visit my old friend Tigerbane Bakdak.

Except replace "visit" with "murder".

What? Those axes are expensive.

Besides, doing it this way involves three of my favorite hobbies:

1) not spending my money

2) stabbing things

3) stabbing orcs

Seriously, if we stopped and pick up some alcohol on the way, this would have been a hell of a party.

Anyway, just as we're heading out of Battalia Downs, Pathfinder shouted at us to wait up.

I pulled out my crossbow and I'm pretty sure I could have put a bolt right where his eye should be, but Shaman made me stop.

Not out of kindness mind you. Pathfinder had borrowed one of Shaman's masks and he wanted it back preferably without Pathfinder's blood on the inside.

Damn pretty boy.

So, we hold up a second and Pathfinder catches up to us. And there in his hand... the Brady guide.

GoblinPathfinder>> Hey, guys.
GoblinPathfinder>> Heading to Davoi?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinPathfinder>> Cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> Can I come?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yay!
GoblinSmithy>> No one listens to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> What are we doing in Davoi?
GoblinSmithy>> Someone's face lost this knife.
GoblinSmithy>> We're going to return it.
GoblinSmithy>> Multiple times if need be.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did you guys know Davoi is the orc city?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's where they live.
GoblinSmithy>> Gee. I didn't know that.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you know that Shaman?
GoblinShaman>> I've never heard that before.
GoblinShaman>> Do you know what else?
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinShaman>> Water's wet.
GoblinSmithy>> Really? I didn't know that.
GoblinSmithy>> Someone should write a guide.
GoblinShaman>> Oh, totally.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Are you guys making fun of me?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinShaman>> No.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay then.
GoblinSmithy>> Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

We make our way to Bakdak's place and he's just standing around.

And he's holding his my new axe.

Like a trained group of assassin's we pounced on him.

Okay... Shaman set him on fire and I stabbed him in the back.

Pathfinder, however, decided now would be a good time to ask us more questions.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why do the Mithra live with the Tarus?
GoblinSmithy>> Would you shut up?
GoblinSmithy>> We're trying to kill someone here.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm just asking questions.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to learn.
GoblinSmithy>> If you don't shut the hell up...
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to learn what a homepoint is.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey!
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not very nice.
GoblinShaman>> Pathfinder, Smithy's not trying to be mean.
GoblinShaman>> I think he means this is not a good time.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean he should shut his stupid face.
GoblinShaman>> That's not helping.
GoblinSmithy>> Am I ever helpful?
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Good point.

We had old Bakdak almost dead. Things were looking good.

I'd still have to murder Pathfinder, but at least I was getting a new axe out of the deal.

And isn't that what really matters?

GoblinShaman>> Keep it up.
GoblinShaman>> We almost got him.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait...
GoblinPathfinder>> I've got another question.
GoblinSmithy>> NOT NOW, YOU IDIOT!
GoblinPathfinder>> It's just one question.
GoblinSmithy>> Almost... Almost...
GoblinSmithy>> And he's DEAD!
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do they call them "drops"?

And then the answer struck him.

No, I mean it literally struck him. An axe fell out of the sky and struck him in the head.

GoblinShaman>> Oh no!!!
GoblinShaman>> My mask!

And the moral of our story: don't ask stupid questions or an axe will fall out of the sky and hit you in the brain.

I should write fairy tales.

Chocobo Soup - Attempt 2

Apparently, the horrible beating I took did not cure my flu. I guess it just seemed like it was better when compared to the massive bruises and lacerations.

Unfortunately, this left me still trying to find chocobo meat for some hot chocobo soup.

I was sitting in my house, staring at Junior II and cursing him for his small size.

He'd never be enough for a good meal.

I'd need a chocobo at least ten times his size.

...

... Or maybe ten chocobos that are his size.

Oh, what a glorious idea occurred to me. Why bother chasing those stupid, big chocobos when I could just round up a bunch of the little ones?

It was brilliant. It was genius.

Okay... It was me talking about killing a bunch of baby chicks.

You know the old saying: you can't make an omelette without mashing up a bunch of baby chocobos.

Shut up. I'm sick.

So, I asked myself where I could get a bunch of baby chicks.

That's when I remembered hearing that someone in Jeuno was just giving the things away.

The only thing better than killing a bunch of chicks to make soup is killing a bunch of FREE chicks to make soup.

And I was off to Jeuno.

This time, I went prepared. I had spent the night working on my adventurer disguise. I looked exactly like a Taru.

It was hard to get my head to look that pointy, but it worked.

I walk up the the chocobo NPC and ask for a chocobo.

NPC>> Here you go.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is this?
NPC>> This is your chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> This is an egg.
GoblinSmithy>> This isn't done yet.
GoblinSmithy>> Take it back 'til it's born and preferably juicy.
NPC>> No, no, no.
NPC>> You have to raise it until it hatches.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to take this back.
GoblinSmithy>> And you have to give me a chocobo.
NPC>> I'm sorry, sir.
NPC>> I can't do that.
GoblinSmithy>> But I need a real chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Not a damned egg.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't even have a frying pan.
NPC>> A what?!
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> Just need a chocobo for riding.
GoblinSmithy>> Not eating. Just riding.
GoblinSmithy>> Did I mention I'm not going to eat it?
NPC>> Sir, I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave.
GoblinSmithy>> Have you ever laid an egg?
NPC>> Me, sir?
NPC>> Of course not.
GoblinSmithy>> You talk to me like that again..
GoblinSmithy>> And you'll experience it.
GoblinSmithy>> In reverse.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> So how many chicks did you need?
GoblinSmithy>> Enough to fill this new carrier.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Sir...
NPC>> That's a pot.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes it is.
GoblinSmithy>> An empty pot.
GoblinSmithy>> What could we do about that?
NPC>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Look on the bright side.
GoblinSmithy>> At least you didn't get stabbed.
NPC>> That's true, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Almost forgot.

*STAB*

I'd like to tell you that I didn't eat those baby chicks.

But that would be lying.

And lying is just plain wrong.

Chocobo Soup

On the advice of a reader, I decided chocobo soup might help me through my illness.

My only problem was finding some fresh chocobo meat.

Unfortunately, Junior had "gone bad" quite some time ago.

And I loved Junior II too much to kill him.

Okay... He's still really small. I needed a meal sized chocobo.

So, I headed over to San d'Oria to try and find one.

At first, I tried waiting outside the gate. I figured I could grab one as they were heading out.

Not so much. Those bastards are quick.

With no other option, I snuck into the city. I went into full on Metal Goblin Smithy mode to avoid detection.

I was but a shadow, hidden from their eyes.

I was but a whisper in the wind.

GateGuard>> You there. Goblin.
GateGuard>> Where do you think you're going?

I was busted.

Crap.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm not a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm...

Think fast.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm a Taru.

...

That's it?

You expect them to believe that?

GateGuard>> Oh...
GateGuard>> Carry on then.

...

Adventurers are as dumb as a bag of hammers.

Now, just to find the chocobo stables.

GateGuard>> Wait!
GateGuard>> Hold on a second.

Crap.

GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GateGuard>> Why are you wearing a mask?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm really, really ugly.
GateGuard>> How ugly?
GoblinSmithy>> My Dad was a Galka.
GateGuard>> Dear Altana...
GateGuard>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> I get that lot.
GateGuard>> Sorry I bothered you.
GateGuard>> You can go now.

Okay. I'm good.

Now, the chocobo stables are...

GateGuard>> Hold on a second.

What now?

GateGuard>> I didn't think that Galkas could mate with Tarus.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Yeah, totally.
GoblinSmithy>> They do it all the time.
GateGuard>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Usually works very well.
GateGuard>> Usually?
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> Sometimes the Taru explodes.
GateGuard>> ...
GateGuard>> That's disgusting.
GoblinSmithy>> You think that's disgusting?
GoblinSmithy>> What about the poor Galka?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know how hard it is to clean Taru bits off your wang?
GateGuard>> I think I'm going to throw up.
GoblinSmithy>> I went to a Taru-Galka orgy once.
GoblinSmithy>> It looked like New Years.
GoblinSmithy>> Pop! Pop pop pop!
GateGuard>> Please stop talking now.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd love to stay and chat.
GateGuard>> No, really.
GateGuard>> Go.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> See you later.

Haha. I made it.

I was home free.

GoblinPathfinder>> Hey! Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> What are you doing in there?

Maybe they didn't hear him.

As long as I didn't panic, everything would be cool.

GateGuard>> Did you say Smithy?
GateGuard>> As in GoblinSmithy?
GoblinPathfinder>> Of course I did.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's him right there.

...

Do you know what cures the flu? Getting beaten to death.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go find Pathfinder and cure him of the flu.

Maybe two or three times.

Dying...

Apparently, the adventurers have decided to do away with me permanently.

Rather than coming after me for a fair hand-to-knife fight, they have resorted to the use of biological weapons.

Those cowards.

I have spent the past three days throwing up.

And considering I don't eat, that's pretty damned strange.

Anyway, assuming I manage to survive this dastardly attack on my immune system, I shall return tomorrow.

If not, I expect all of you to end your own lives in sadness.

What? A real fan would do it.

How Dare You?

This may sound odd to you at first, but, if you bear with me, it may make sense later.

Are you ready?

*ahem*

I am not a pimp.

I do not walk around with a cane or wear bright colors or wear a giant hat with a feather in it.

See? That should prove my point.

Smithy =/= pimp.

Remember that. It will be an important part in this story.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle when Shaman comes up to me. Right away, I could tell he wanted something.

He had a look in his eye.

GoblinShaman>> Hi, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> How's it going?
GoblinShaman>> Good, good.
GoblinShaman>> You have a chocobo right?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinShaman>> He should be fully grown by now, right?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Not exactly.
GoblinSmithy>> We had a set back.
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> But I'm raising a new one now.
GoblinShaman>> Okay.
GoblinShaman>> Do you have an extra chococard?
GoblinSmithy>> A who in the what now?
GoblinShaman>> A chococard.
GoblinShaman>> I need one for my chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> No, I don't.
GoblinSmithy>> What do they do?
GoblinShaman>> Well, you need two cards in order to get them to...
GoblinShaman>> You know...
GoblinShaman>> Bump tarus.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not following.
GoblinShaman>> Sigh.
GoblinShaman>> You need to cards to get them to have sex.
GoblinShaman>> I wanted a card from your chocobo.

*blinkblink*

Okay, everyone remember the point I made earlier? Good.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Did he really just walk up to me and say "Hey, can my pet bang the hell out of your pet?"

I'm not running some kind of crazy chocobo brothel here. It is neither a business nor personal hobby of mine to organize sexual encounters between chocobos.

What kind of sick freak would even...

GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry.
GoblinSmithy>> I know someone who can help.
GoblinShaman>> Really?
GoblinShaman>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> And here's a chococard with his name on it.
GoblinShaman>> Huh.
GoblinShaman>> Who names their chocobo Furrier?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, don't worry about that.
GoblinSmithy>> I guarantee your chocobo will get some action.

What?

I never said the thing would get pregnant. I just promised action.

Hot goblin on chocobo action.

Now, Shaman is probably not going to be very happy with me once he witnesses the violation of his pet chocobo at the hands of an ugly little goblin.

I should just call the burn ward now and set up an appointment.

Just... Plain... Disturbing...

Okay, I've seen some disgusting things in my time.

I've stabbed people in the eye.

I've personally removed someone's digestive system.

I've seen a Galka.

But nothing could prepare me for today. Today, I actually considered stabbing my own eyes out.

After finding poor Junior's body, I decided to take a laid back shift. You know, try and come to terms with his death.

Also, I had to send most of my good armor to the dry cleaners. It was covered in dead chocobo reek.

So, I signed up for a duty shift in Batallia Downs. That way, I would have plenty peace and quiet.

No one actually goes to Batallia Downs. No one.

Oh, they go through Batallia Downs all the freaking time. Most people just zip on through on their chocobos. Zone in, run, zone out.

Every now and then, I catch a level 20 adventurer trying to get to Jeuno for the first time. They're so cute. The way they try to sneak around you, the way they cry, the way they flop around on the ground when you stab them.

That part's always fun.

But today I didn't see any adventurers. Not a single solitary player ran through the area.

I wonder where they all could be.

*coughFFXIIcough*

Honestly, though, I actually liked it better that way. It gave me time to be alone with my thoughts and explore my feelings.

...

You know, I'm really not that deep.

Mostly my deep inner thoughts consist of stabbing people and old reruns of Saved By The Bell.

What? Like you never watched that show.

Unfortunately, before I could really start to relax, I got interrupted.

GoblinFurrier>> Smithy?
GoblinFurrier>> Is that you?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hi.
GoblinFurrier>> I haven't seen you in ages.
GoblinFurrier>> How have things been?
GoblinSmithy>> Good, good.
GoblinFurrier>> How's the wife?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> She's... good.
GoblinSmithy>> This has been a lot of fun.
GoblinSmithy>> But I really need to get going.
GoblinFurrier>> Okay.
GoblinFurrier>> See you later.
GoblinSmithy>> Later.

So, I walked away. Things were getting quiet again when I noticed that someone was following me.

It was Furrier.

I ignored him, thinking he'd take the hint and go away.

No such luck.

After about twenty minutes, I'd had enough.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell's the matter with you?
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you following me?
GoblinFurrier>> I'm sorry.
GoblinFurrier>> I'm... lonely.

Aw. Pulls at your heartstrings, doesn't it?

Hell no. This sick bastard was stalking me.

GoblinSmithy>> Wow, great story.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't wait to read the novel.
GoblinSmithy>> Go the hell away.
GoblinFurrier>> Can't we hang out for a little while?
GoblinFurrier>> Please?
GoblinSmithy>> (( Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. ))
GoblinFurrier>> Oh, come on.
GoblinSmithy>> Nope.
GoblinSmithy>> Go over there.
GoblinFurrier>> Over where?
GoblinSmithy>> Valkurm.
GoblinSmithy>> Frankly, I don't give a damn.
GoblinSmithy>> Just get out of my face.
GoblinFurrier>> Fine.
GoblinFurrier>> I don't need you anyway.
GoblinFurrier>> I've got my own friends.

He turned, walked a few feet away, and stopped next to a tiger.

Great, I thought. Another animal lover.

Oh, horrible, horrible irony.

GoblinSmithy>> What are you...
GoblinSmithy>> OH DEAR ALTANA!
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing to that tiger?!
GoblinFurrier>> What?
GoblinFurrier>> I told you I was lonely.

That scene will be forever etched into my brain.

I've decided to start drinking right now and not stop until that image is gone.

Or until I die of alcohol poisoning.

Right now, I don't really have a preference either way.

Whoops

As was pointed out by several readers, I had forgotten that I started raising a chocobo before.

I was starting to wonder what that smell was.

It seems poor Junior is gone to the chocobo stable in the sky.

Apparently, if you don't walk/care for/pay attention to/feed a chocobo for several weeks, they just up and die.

Must be a glitch or something.