A Smithy's Life

On Hiatus

2006-11-25T21:47:00.000-03:30

As you've probably noticed, the update schedule for the blog has gone to hell.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I just don't feel like writing these nights. I'm usually dropping tired or just can't find the words to write.

That doesn't mean the blog is ending. Far from it.

I just need to get back into the swing of things.

I think the problem started with the schedule as I set it. I wanted to update everyday and I think I'm just getting a little burnt out.

For the next little while at least, the update schedule will be erratic. I'll write when the mood strikes me and when it's something that I think is worth you reading. That might be ten times a week or two.

I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, if you check back occasionally, I'm sure you'll often find something new to read. I just need a little time to find the spark that made me love writing these stories.

There will be a fan pack this month, and I'm going to channel alot of my effort into it. I'm going to try to have four exclusive stories, as well as a special article on the real inspiration for writing this blog in the first place.

No. This is not a goodbye. I just need a little break.

Stop crying.

Ask A Stupid Question...

2006-11-21T15:44:00.000-03:30

Oh dear Altana.

It seems Pathfinder has discovered the internet.

At first, I thought it would be kind of funny. You know, with him flooding the Beastmaster forums with "OMGBEEZIZLEET!" threads.

And then it happened.

He somehow managed to order a copy of the Brady guide to FFXI.

*ominous crash of thunder*

You'd think this might make him smarter, right?

Have you ever read the Brady guide?

Not only is he as dumb as usual, but now, he walks around all day asking stupid questions.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why aren't there any female Galkas?
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do they call it aggro?
GoblinPathfinder>> Does anyone actually use the deodorize spell?

It's enough to drive me crazy.

And coming from a homicidal serial killer, that's pretty damned bad.

Today, Shaman and I were heading to Davoi. I really needed a new axe, so I decided to go visit my old friend Tigerbane Bakdak.

Except replace "visit" with "murder".

What? Those axes are expensive.

Besides, doing it this way involves three of my favorite hobbies:

1) not spending my money

2) stabbing things

3) stabbing orcs

Seriously, if we stopped and pick up some alcohol on the way, this would have been a hell of a party.

Anyway, just as we're heading out of Battalia Downs, Pathfinder shouted at us to wait up.

I pulled out my crossbow and I'm pretty sure I could have put a bolt right where his eye should be, but Shaman made me stop.

Not out of kindness mind you. Pathfinder had borrowed one of Shaman's masks and he wanted it back preferably without Pathfinder's blood on the inside.

Damn pretty boy.

So, we hold up a second and Pathfinder catches up to us. And there in his hand... the Brady guide.

GoblinPathfinder>> Hey, guys.
GoblinPathfinder>> Heading to Davoi?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinPathfinder>> Cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> Can I come?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yay!
GoblinSmithy>> No one listens to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> What are we doing in Davoi?
GoblinSmithy>> Someone's face lost this knife.
GoblinSmithy>> We're going to return it.
GoblinSmithy>> Multiple times if need be.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did you guys know Davoi is the orc city?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's where they live.
GoblinSmithy>> Gee. I didn't know that.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you know that Shaman?
GoblinShaman>> I've never heard that before.
GoblinShaman>> Do you know what else?
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinShaman>> Water's wet.
GoblinSmithy>> Really? I didn't know that.
GoblinSmithy>> Someone should write a guide.
GoblinShaman>> Oh, totally.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Are you guys making fun of me?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinShaman>> No.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay then.
GoblinSmithy>> Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

We make our way to Bakdak's place and he's just standing around.

And he's holding ~~his~~ my new axe.

Like a trained group of assassin's we pounced on him.

Okay... Shaman set him on fire and I stabbed him in the back.

Pathfinder, however, decided now would be a good time to ask us more questions.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why do the Mithra live with the Tarus?
GoblinSmithy>> Would you shut up?
GoblinSmithy>> We're trying to kill someone here.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm just asking questions.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to learn.
GoblinSmithy>> If you don't shut the hell up...
GoblinSmithy>> You're going to learn what a homepoint is.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey!
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not very nice.
GoblinShaman>> Pathfinder, Smithy's not trying to be mean.
GoblinShaman>> I think he means this is not a good time.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean he should shut his stupid face.
GoblinShaman>> That's not helping.
GoblinSmithy>> Am I ever helpful?
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Good point.

We had old Bakdak almost dead. Things were looking good.

I'd still have to murder Pathfinder, but at least I was getting a new axe out of the deal.

And isn't that what really matters?

GoblinShaman>> Keep it up.
GoblinShaman>> We almost got him.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait...
GoblinPathfinder>> I've got another question.
GoblinSmithy>> NOT NOW, YOU IDIOT!
GoblinPathfinder>> It's just one question.
GoblinSmithy>> Almost... Almost...
GoblinSmithy>> And he's DEAD!
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do they call them "drops"?

And then the answer struck him.

No, I mean it literally struck him. An axe fell out of the sky and struck him in the head.

GoblinShaman>> Oh no!!!
GoblinShaman>> My mask!

And the moral of our story: don't ask stupid questions or an axe will fall out of the sky and hit you in the brain.

I should write fairy tales.

Chocobo Soup - Attempt 2

2006-11-17T00:32:00.000-03:30

Apparently, the horrible beating I took did not cure my flu. I guess it just seemed like it was better when compared to the massive bruises and lacerations.

Unfortunately, this left me still trying to find chocobo meat for some hot chocobo soup.

I was sitting in my house, staring at Junior II and cursing him for his small size.

He'd never be enough for a good meal.

I'd need a chocobo at least ten times his size.

...

... Or maybe ten chocobos that are his size.

Oh, what a glorious idea occurred to me. Why bother chasing those stupid, big chocobos when I could just round up a bunch of the little ones?

It was brilliant. It was genius.

Okay... It was me talking about killing a bunch of baby chicks.

You know the old saying: you can't make an omelette without mashing up a bunch of baby chocobos.

Shut up. I'm sick.

So, I asked myself where I could get a bunch of baby chicks.

That's when I remembered hearing that someone in Jeuno was just giving the things away.

The only thing better than killing a bunch of chicks to make soup is killing a bunch of FREE chicks to make soup.

And I was off to Jeuno.

This time, I went prepared. I had spent the night working on my adventurer disguise. I looked exactly like a Taru.

It was hard to get my head to look that pointy, but it worked.

I walk up the the chocobo NPC and ask for a chocobo.

NPC>> Here you go.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is this?
NPC>> This is your chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> This is an egg.
GoblinSmithy>> This isn't done yet.
GoblinSmithy>> Take it back 'til it's born and preferably juicy.
NPC>> No, no, no.
NPC>> You have to raise it until it hatches.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to take this back.
GoblinSmithy>> And you have to give me a chocobo.
NPC>> I'm sorry, sir.
NPC>> I can't do that.
GoblinSmithy>> But I need a real chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Not a damned egg.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't even have a frying pan.
NPC>> A what?!
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> Just need a chocobo for riding.
GoblinSmithy>> Not eating. Just riding.
GoblinSmithy>> Did I mention I'm not going to eat it?
NPC>> Sir, I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave.
GoblinSmithy>> Have you ever laid an egg?
NPC>> Me, sir?
NPC>> Of course not.
GoblinSmithy>> You talk to me like that again..
GoblinSmithy>> And you'll experience it.
GoblinSmithy>> In reverse.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> So how many chicks did you need?
GoblinSmithy>> Enough to fill this new carrier.
NPC>> ...
NPC>> Sir...
NPC>> That's a pot.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes it is.
GoblinSmithy>> An empty pot.
GoblinSmithy>> What could we do about that?
NPC>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Look on the bright side.
GoblinSmithy>> At least you didn't get stabbed.
NPC>> That's true, I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Almost forgot.

*STAB*

I'd like to tell you that I didn't eat those baby chicks.

But that would be lying.

And lying is just plain wrong.

Chocobo Soup

2006-11-15T01:06:00.000-03:30

On the advice of a reader, I decided chocobo soup might help me through my illness.

My only problem was finding some fresh chocobo meat.

Unfortunately, Junior had "gone bad" quite some time ago.

And I loved Junior II too much to kill him.

Okay... He's still really small. I needed a meal sized chocobo.

So, I headed over to San d'Oria to try and find one.

At first, I tried waiting outside the gate. I figured I could grab one as they were heading out.

Not so much. Those bastards are quick.

With no other option, I snuck into the city. I went into full on Metal Goblin Smithy mode to avoid detection.

I was but a shadow, hidden from their eyes.

I was but a whisper in the wind.

GateGuard>> You there. Goblin.
GateGuard>> Where do you think you're going?

I was busted.

Crap.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm not a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm...

Think fast.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm a Taru.

...

That's it?

You expect them to believe that?

GateGuard>> Oh...
GateGuard>> Carry on then.

...

Adventurers are as dumb as a bag of hammers.

Now, just to find the chocobo stables.

GateGuard>> Wait!
GateGuard>> Hold on a second.

Crap.

GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GateGuard>> Why are you wearing a mask?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm really, really ugly.
GateGuard>> How ugly?
GoblinSmithy>> My Dad was a Galka.
GateGuard>> Dear Altana...
GateGuard>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> I get that lot.
GateGuard>> Sorry I bothered you.
GateGuard>> You can go now.

Okay. I'm good.

Now, the chocobo stables are...

GateGuard>> Hold on a second.

What now?

GateGuard>> I didn't think that Galkas could mate with Tarus.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Yeah, totally.
GoblinSmithy>> They do it all the time.
GateGuard>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Usually works very well.
GateGuard>> Usually?
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> Sometimes the Taru explodes.
GateGuard>> ...
GateGuard>> That's disgusting.
GoblinSmithy>> You think that's disgusting?
GoblinSmithy>> What about the poor Galka?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know how hard it is to clean Taru bits off your wang?
GateGuard>> I think I'm going to throw up.
GoblinSmithy>> I went to a Taru-Galka orgy once.
GoblinSmithy>> It looked like New Years.
GoblinSmithy>> Pop! Pop pop pop!
GateGuard>> Please stop talking now.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd love to stay and chat.
GateGuard>> No, really.
GateGuard>> Go.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> See you later.

Haha. I made it.

I was home free.

GoblinPathfinder>> Hey! Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> What are you doing in there?

Maybe they didn't hear him.

As long as I didn't panic, everything would be cool.

GateGuard>> Did you say Smithy?
GateGuard>> As in GoblinSmithy?
GoblinPathfinder>> Of course I did.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's him right there.

...

Do you know what cures the flu? Getting beaten to death.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go find Pathfinder and cure him of the flu.

Maybe two or three times.

Dying...

2006-11-13T19:30:00.000-03:30

Apparently, the adventurers have decided to do away with me permanently.

Rather than coming after me for a fair hand-to-knife fight, they have resorted to the use of biological weapons.

Those cowards.

I have spent the past three days throwing up.

And considering I don't eat, that's pretty damned strange.

Anyway, assuming I manage to survive this dastardly attack on my immune system, I shall return tomorrow.

If not, I expect all of you to end your own lives in sadness.

What? A real fan would do it.

How Dare You?

2006-11-11T01:21:00.000-03:30

This may sound odd to you at first, but, if you bear with me, it may make sense later.

Are you ready?

*ahem*

I am not a pimp.

I do not walk around with a cane or wear bright colors or wear a giant hat with a feather in it.

See? That should prove my point.

Smithy =/= pimp.

Remember that. It will be an important part in this story.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle when Shaman comes up to me. Right away, I could tell he wanted something.

He had a look in his eye.

GoblinShaman>> Hi, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> How's it going?
GoblinShaman>> Good, good.
GoblinShaman>> You have a chocobo right?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinShaman>> He should be fully grown by now, right?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Not exactly.
GoblinSmithy>> We had a set back.
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> But I'm raising a new one now.
GoblinShaman>> Okay.
GoblinShaman>> Do you have an extra chococard?
GoblinSmithy>> A who in the what now?
GoblinShaman>> A chococard.
GoblinShaman>> I need one for my chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> No, I don't.
GoblinSmithy>> What do they do?
GoblinShaman>> Well, you need two cards in order to get them to...
GoblinShaman>> You know...
GoblinShaman>> Bump tarus.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not following.
GoblinShaman>> Sigh.
GoblinShaman>> You need to cards to get them to have sex.
GoblinShaman>> I wanted a card from your chocobo.

*blinkblink*

Okay, everyone remember the point I made earlier? Good.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Did he really just walk up to me and say "Hey, can my pet bang the hell out of your pet?"

I'm not running some kind of crazy chocobo brothel here. It is neither a business nor personal hobby of mine to organize sexual encounters between chocobos.

What kind of sick freak would even...

GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry.
GoblinSmithy>> I know someone who can help.
GoblinShaman>> Really?
GoblinShaman>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> And here's a chococard with his name on it.
GoblinShaman>> Huh.
GoblinShaman>> Who names their chocobo Furrier?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, don't worry about that.
GoblinSmithy>> I guarantee your chocobo will get some action.

What?

I never said the thing would get pregnant. I just promised action.

Hot goblin on chocobo action.

Now, Shaman is probably not going to be very happy with me once he witnesses the violation of his pet chocobo at the hands of an ugly little goblin.

I should just call the burn ward now and set up an appointment.

Just... Plain... Disturbing...

2006-11-09T23:04:00.000-03:30

Okay, I've seen some disgusting things in my time.

I've stabbed people in the eye.

I've personally removed someone's digestive system.

I've seen a Galka.

But nothing could prepare me for today. Today, I actually considered stabbing my own eyes out.

After finding poor Junior's body, I decided to take a laid back shift. You know, try and come to terms with his death.

Also, I had to send most of my good armor to the dry cleaners. It was covered in dead chocobo reek.

So, I signed up for a duty shift in Batallia Downs. That way, I would have plenty peace and quiet.

No one actually goes to Batallia Downs. No one.

Oh, they go through Batallia Downs all the freaking time. Most people just zip on through on their chocobos. Zone in, run, zone out.

Every now and then, I catch a level 20 adventurer trying to get to Jeuno for the first time. They're so cute. The way they try to sneak around you, the way they cry, the way they flop around on the ground when you stab them.

That part's always fun.

But today I didn't see any adventurers. Not a single solitary player ran through the area.

I wonder where they all could be.

*coughFFXIIcough*

Honestly, though, I actually liked it better that way. It gave me time to be alone with my thoughts and explore my feelings.

...

You know, I'm really not that deep.

Mostly my deep inner thoughts consist of stabbing people and old reruns of Saved By The Bell.

What? Like you never watched that show.

Unfortunately, before I could really start to relax, I got interrupted.

GoblinFurrier>> Smithy?
GoblinFurrier>> Is that you?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hi.
GoblinFurrier>> I haven't seen you in ages.
GoblinFurrier>> How have things been?
GoblinSmithy>> Good, good.
GoblinFurrier>> How's the wife?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> She's... good.
GoblinSmithy>> This has been a lot of fun.
GoblinSmithy>> But I really need to get going.
GoblinFurrier>> Okay.
GoblinFurrier>> See you later.
GoblinSmithy>> Later.

So, I walked away. Things were getting quiet again when I noticed that someone was following me.

It was Furrier.

I ignored him, thinking he'd take the hint and go away.

No such luck.

After about twenty minutes, I'd had enough.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell's the matter with you?
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you following me?
GoblinFurrier>> I'm sorry.
GoblinFurrier>> I'm... lonely.

Aw. Pulls at your heartstrings, doesn't it?

Hell no. This sick bastard was stalking me.

GoblinSmithy>> Wow, great story.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't wait to read the novel.
GoblinSmithy>> Go the hell away.
GoblinFurrier>> Can't we hang out for a little while?
GoblinFurrier>> Please?
GoblinSmithy>> (( Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. ))
GoblinFurrier>> Oh, come on.
GoblinSmithy>> Nope.
GoblinSmithy>> Go over there.
GoblinFurrier>> Over where?
GoblinSmithy>> Valkurm.
GoblinSmithy>> Frankly, I don't give a damn.
GoblinSmithy>> Just get out of my face.
GoblinFurrier>> Fine.
GoblinFurrier>> I don't need you anyway.
GoblinFurrier>> I've got my own friends.

He turned, walked a few feet away, and stopped next to a tiger.

Great, I thought. Another animal lover.

Oh, horrible, horrible irony.

GoblinSmithy>> What are you...
GoblinSmithy>> OH DEAR ALTANA!
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing to that tiger?!
GoblinFurrier>> What?
GoblinFurrier>> I told you I was lonely.

That scene will be forever etched into my brain.

I've decided to start drinking right now and not stop until that image is gone.

Or until I die of alcohol poisoning.

Right now, I don't really have a preference either way.

Whoops

2006-11-09T22:58:00.000-03:30

As was pointed out by several readers, I had forgotten that I started raising a chocobo before.

I was starting to wonder what that smell was.

It seems poor Junior is gone to the chocobo stable in the sky.

Apparently, if you don't walk/care for/pay attention to/feed a chocobo for several weeks, they just up and die.

Must be a glitch or something.

Smithy's A Daddy

2006-11-08T01:01:00.000-03:30

No.

No, no, no.

Nobody's pregnant.

But it looks like I'm going to have my very own chocobo.

I've never been a fan of the chocobo.

Well... That's not exactly true. A little bit of butter and fried up... That's good eating.

As I've mentioned before, the whole of idea of raising my own chocobo never really impressed me. You can rent them pretty much anywhere and actually save yourself a ton of money.

Why in the hell would I want to raise one?

Then something interesting happened this morning.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> Isn't there some traffic you could be playing in?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, you're silly.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Silly...
GoblinPathfinder>> Anyway, I've been trying to find you all day.
GoblinPathfinder>> I have a present for you.
GoblinSmithy>> A present?
GoblinSmithy>> For me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yuppers.
GoblinPathfinder>> I thought it might cheer you up.
GoblinPathfinder>> You've been kind of grumpy lately.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm always... grumpy.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean more than usual.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, that's really nice of you.
GoblinSmithy>> I really appreciate...
GoblinSmithy>> Wait a second.
GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GoblinPathfinder>> It's a surprise.
GoblinPathfinder>> Close your eyes.

I reluctantly closed my eyes.

Yes, it was stupid, but there was a present involved.

My patience can be rented for short periods.

GoblinPathfinder>> Here you go.

That's when he put something round and smooth in my hands.

At first, I thought it might be a gem or something. But it was too big.

And then it moved.

GoblinSmithy>> Crappin' hell!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is that?
GoblinPathfinder>> Open your eyes!
GoblinPathfinder>> It's your very own chocobo egg.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You shouldn't have.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, it was nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> No, I mean you really shouldn't have.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh c'mon.
GoblinPathfinder>> You'll like it.
GoblinSmithy>> Possibly, but I don't have a frying pan with me.
GoblinPathfinder>> NO!
GoblinPathfinder>> You cannot eat your new chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> That sounds like a challenge.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty...
GoblinSmithy>> Fine. Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> I can cook him when he hatches.
GoblinPathfinder>> Be nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously, I'm never going to pay attention to it.
GoblinSmithy>> It's just not me.

Now, here it is 11 hours later and all I can do is take care of this egg. I didn't even work today because I was too busy watching my egg.

It jostled a few times.

I got very excited.

Pretty soon, I'll have my own little chocobo running around and biting people.

Seriously, though. Do not tell Pathfinder about this.

I'll never live it down.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to my egg some more.

I'm Back

2006-11-07T01:36:00.000-03:30

Wow. That was possibly the worst week of my life.

Also, the longest.

But I'm back. I'm totally back.

Actually... I'm mostly back. I'm still missing a good deal of flesh and a few toes.

I was minding my own business in Yhoator. Yes, I know "my own business" involves stabbing people.

That's not really my problem, now is it?

Anyway, I'm working when this Warrior runs up to me. His armor looked different than the usual stuff I see, so I checked him.

Great. What in the hell does a level 36 Warrior want with me?

He couldn't possibly want to fight me because I'd still kil...

And that's when he pulled out his weapon.

GoblinSmithy>> Excuse me.
Warrior>> Yes?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't mean to be rude...
GoblinSmithy>> But why are you using a scythe?
Warrior>> Oh this thing?
Warrior>> I'm trying to raise my scythe skill.
GoblinSmithy>> Couldn't you have used a better one?
GoblinSmithy>> That thing is like level 15.
Warrior>> 14 actually.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, pardon me all to hell.

He swung back with his scythe and I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow.

Nothing.

No... Wait...

I think I felt a gentle breeze.

GoblinSmithy>> What was that?
Warrior>> I missed.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I get it.
GoblinSmithy>> You're training to be a DRK.
GoblinSmithy>> I gotcha.
Warrior>> You're going to pay for that.
GoblinSmithy>> It's okay.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got like a half hour before you swing again.
Warrior>> You think you're funny, don't you?
Warrior>> Let's see if you find this funny.

Swing and a miss.

Strike two.

GoblinSmithy>> Actually, that was kind of funny.
Warrior>> Oh, shut up.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you mind if I skill up as well?
Warrior>> Skill up?
Warrior>> Skill up what?
GoblinSmithy>> Face stabbing.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm almost capped.
Warrior>> Oh, crap.
GoblinSmithy>> They make this too easy.

RedMage starts casting Paralyze on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> What in the hell was that?
Warrior>> That's a friend of mine.
Warrior>> He's here to keep me alive.
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
Warrior>> Do I look dumb enough to fight a goblin alone?
GoblinSmithy>> Now that you mention it...

Another swing.

Another miss.

Then another swing.

Another miss.

Swing.

Oh... Oh... He hit me. He hit me.

For 5 points of damage.

Yay. At this rate, I'll be dead around April.

I'm serious. He's still here right now. It's been days. He's slowly killing me.

I actually have time to write up a blog update between misses.

Hold on a second...

*miss*

And there we are.

Could one of you please come out to Yhoator now and just kill me?

I'd really appreciate it.

Fan Pack Update

2006-11-04T00:25:00.000-03:30

I'm not happy with one of the stories I wrote. It's okay, but it's missing something.

Unfortunately, I don't want to send out something I'm not happy with. That's a cop out. Anyone could just slap some stuff together and e-mail it out. You guys deserve better.

I'm going to rewrite it and see if I can't make it better.

Other than that, the pack is finished and should be sent out as soon as I fix this story. Most likely tonight or tomorrow.

Genius takes time.

Falling Apart Without Me

2006-11-02T21:11:00.000-03:30

So, I was out of a job. I had no work to go to and all I had to do was stay home, sleep, and play FFXI.

Sigh. It's hard, hard life.

At least, it would have been...

I was on my couch this morning, playing some FFXII, when I heard the phone start to ring. I checked the caller ID only to see it was work calling me.

Didn't I break up with work yesterday?

Why the hell are they calling me?

Sorry, bitches. I'm not at home. Please leave a message after the kiss my ass.

Of course, the sensible thing to do would be to answer the phone.

I, on the other hand, tore the phone out of the wall and threw it out the window.

Then my cell phone rang.

Apparently, they can't take a hint.

Still, it may involve me getting money, so I answered it.

GoblinSmithy>> What do you want?
Boss>> Oh thank Altana!
Boss>> You're there!
GoblinSmithy>> And you're there.
GoblinSmithy>> This has been fun, really.
GoblinSmithy>> Bye.
Boss>> NONONO!
Boss>> Wait!
GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GoblinSmithy>> This had better be good.
Boss>> We want you to come back.
Boss>> We need you to come back.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm listening.
Boss>> The place has gone insane.
Boss>> With no Smithy, the adventurers are running loose.
Boss>> They're actually walking through the jungle.
Boss>> WALKING!
GoblinSmithy>> Hold on a second. Let me write this down.
GoblinSmithy>> How do you spell "Not my damned problem"?
Boss>> Oh please, Smithy.
Boss>> Please come back.
GoblinSmithy>> Why should I?
Boss>> We'll double your pay.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say triple my pay?
Boss>> No.
Boss>> I said double.
GoblinSmithy>> Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up.
Boss>> WAIT!
Boss>> I said triple! I said triple!
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you did.
Boss>> So... You'll come back?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know...
Boss>> Hold on a second.
Boss>> Someone here wants to speak to you.
GoblinSmithy>> Who in the hell would want to...
GoblinPathfinder>> Hiya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Are you coming back?
GoblinPathfinder>> Mr. Beeington says hi.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Put the boss back on.
GoblinPathfinder>> K.
GoblinPathfinder>> Bye, Smitty.
Boss>> What is it?
Boss>> Are you coming back?
GoblinSmithy>> I'll come back on one condition.
Boss>> Name it.
GoblinSmithy>> You have to kill Pathfinder.
Boss>> ...
Boss>> Is that it?
Boss>> I was going to do that anyway.
Boss>> He hasn't shut up all morning.
GoblinSmithy>> Then I guess you've got a Smithy.

What can I say? I may be a sell-out, but at least I'm a sell-out who's gettin' PAID!

Smithy's all about the bling.

A Quick Question

2006-11-01T10:51:00.000-03:30

Playing through FFXII, I have noticed something quite disturbing.

Where's the Smithy love?

I am noticing a very real lack of Goblin Smithy.

And that's just wrong.

I would make a way better boss than these guys.

Ooooooooo, a dinosaur!

Quick! Somebody go get Turok!

He's not doing anything anyway.

Seriously, this bullshit is ridiculous. I had so better be the final boss of the game.

Can't Talk. Playing.

2006-11-01T10:30:00.000-03:30

Why would they do this to me?

I mean, I've got bills to pay. I need to go to work.

But no, SE had to go and make FFXII. Now, I have to cut off all ties to the outside world.

Thanks a freakin' lot.

As soon as I popped the disc in my PS2, I knew that life as I knew it was at an end.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, boss.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not coming into work.
Boss>> Are you sick?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, sure.
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever.
Boss>> You don't sound very sick.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Cough.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen. I'm not coming in.
Boss>> Okay, I guess.
Boss>> We'll see you tomorrow.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> That doesn't work for me.
Boss>> What doesn't work?
GoblinSmithy>> The whole tomorrow thing.
GoblinSmithy>> I won't be in tomorrow either.
GoblinSmithy>> Cough.
Boss>> Fine.
Boss>> When can we expect you back?
GoblinSmithy>> How about the fourth of go to hell?
Boss>> You can't talk to me like that!
Boss>> You're FIRED!
GoblinSmithy>> Sweet.
GoblinSmithy>> More time to play.
Boss>> I can't believe you.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I use you as a reference by the way?
Boss>> ...
Boss>> I'm hanging up now.

Unfortunately, it looks like I'm out of a job.

On the bright side, I probably won't have time to eat for the next week or two, so I won't need to spend money on food.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a game on pause.

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 3

2006-10-30T00:40:00.000-03:30

I hope you're enjoying this tour of Vana'diel.

While we're touring, I'm going to have to ask you to not feed the adventurers.

Today's stop brings us to the beautiful land of Windurst.

This name is actually quite descriptive. Pretty much the only things you'll find around here are wind and dirt.

At least San d'Oria and Bastok put some work into it. Sure, brick may not be the nicest thing to look at, but at least they look like actual cities.

Windurst is basically a swamp covered with a city made of sticks.

Full of midgets.

How exactly am I supposed to make this place seem exciting?

Come on, come all! See the big... Tree... In the middle of our town!

Amaze at our mastery of... Twigs...

Man, if I only had a match.

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 2

2006-10-28T01:03:00.000-02:30

Our next stop on our tour of Vana'diel brings us to the noble city of Bastok.

Bastok is a majestic city built directly from rock. It is literally carved into the side of a rocky mountain.

Unfortunately, during the process of digging into this rock, workers uncovered a new race. This race is the ugliest, dumbest, smelliest race in all of Vana'diel.

That's right. Humes.

What the hell is wrong with these things? I mean they're all pink. What the hell?

While in Bastok, make sure you take the time to appreciate the sights.

The beautiful rocks.

The other rocks.

Umm...

Yeah...

There's a lot of rocks.

Do you like rocks?

No?

Then this really isn't your kind of town.

OH! OH!

They don't just have rocks. They also have a hole.

A hole filled with rocks.

Yeah...

So...

How about that local sports team?

Smithy's Guide To Vana'diel - Vol. 1

2006-10-25T19:14:00.000-02:30

Our first stop on this tour of the world is majestic San d'Oria.

San d'Oria is located in the North West and is home to the Elvaan.

Visitors to San d'Oria could spend hour after hour admiring the sheer beauty of the castle walls.

They could, but most people just stand around staring at the Elvaan's freakishly long necks. I mean, damn.

You will also notice that there are no wires or cables strung between the house and buildings. The city planners felt that this would add to the flowing majesty of the city.

Plus, they were deemed unnecessary as the ears on your average Elvaan are capable of picking up basic cable and HBO.

Wow. Look at those things.

I saw an Elvaan woman drop her baby the other day. Little bastard glided right across the room.

San d'Oria is nestled in the quaint forest region of Ronfaure. It is hard to find an area as lush and pure as this woods.

Unfortunately, between the retarded n00b adventurers and the even more retarded orcs that reside there, any beauty the area may have had has been lost in a deep tide of stupidity.

Just thinking about it makes me want to slap someone.

Seriously. Let's just burn the place down and make a parking lot.

Smithyfest!

2006-10-25T00:22:00.000-02:30

Have you looked at your calendar lately? Do you know what's coming up?

No, not Halloween, you fool.

It's GoblinSmithy Fan Week!

Please, please, hold your applause.

Yes, it's that special time when you can celebrate your love for everything Smithy. And Smithy, in turn, will repay your devotion by briefly acknowledging your existence.

I'm kidding. As usual, everyone who was cool enough to donate $5 or more during the month to support this blog will become a member of the GoblinSmithy Fan Club and will receive a free gift pack.

The gift pack will include exclusive stories, fun pictures, wacky wallpapers, and whatever else I can think to put in.

It's just something I like to do to give back to those of you who back me up.

As opposed to those of you who stab me on a daily basis.

Bastards.

Anyway, I was trying to come up with a theme for Fan Week. I thought long and hard about it.

Okay, neither long nor hard, but there was thinking.

Maybe.

This week will be Smithy's Guide to Vana'diel. Follow along as I act as your tour guide to the many sights of our world.

See what I see. Do what I do.

Get stabbed where I get stabbed.

It'll be fun.

Uh Oh

2006-10-24T01:17:00.000-02:30

Oh damn oh damn oh damn.

I got the call yesterday.

What call you may ask?

Well, as you know I am a bit of a ladies man. Something about my charisma and raw animal power draws the women to me like moths to a flame.

And who am I to turn them down?

Unfortunately, this has created a bit of a problem for me.

See, all the guys reading this just went "Oh crap. He means THE call."

ElvaanFemale>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Hi...
GoblinSmithy>> I thought we weren't going to call each other?
GoblinSmithy>> You know... It being a one night stand.
ElvaanFemale>> I need to tell you something.
GoblinSmithy>> Since this is not part of the same night...
GoblinSmithy>> I think you're breaking some form of legal contract.
ElvaanFemale>> Stop.
ElvaanFemale>> This is important.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean, I gave you enough gil for a chocobo home.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought that was a nice way to end it.
ElvaanFemale>> SHUT UP!
ElvaanFemale>> I'm pregnant.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Say something.
GoblinSmithy>> H...
GoblinSmithy>> Wh...
GoblinSmithy>> Ar...
ElvaanFemale>> Okay.
ElvaanFemale>> Say something intelligent.
GoblinSmithy>> I...
GoblinSmithy>> You...
ElvaanFemale>> Yay! You can use pronouns!
ElvaanFemale>> Can we hurry this up?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
ElvaanFemale>> Sigh.
ElvaanFemale>> I'm coming over.

I'm not sure how long it took her to get to my place.

I'm not sure because I spent the entire time jabbering like a moron and trying to wrap my head around the idea of being a father.

Me, a father... There has to be a law against that.

When she got there, I decided to ask a very important question.

GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
ElvaanFemale>> Of course I'm sure.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure it's mine?

Quick note, guys: don't ever ask that question.

Unless you like getting slapped.

Whatever floats your boat.

GoblinSmithy>> I take that as a yes.
ElvaanFemale>> I can't believe you asked me that.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, you did sleep with a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> Your standards can't be that high.
ElvaanFemale>> This is serious.
ElvaanFemale>> I don't know what we're going to do.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say we?
ElvaanFemale>> Of course I did.
ElvaanFemale>> We need to figure this out together.
GoblinSmithy>> Might I make a suggestion?
ElvaanFemale>> Yes, please.

And that's when I pushed her down some stairs.

What? Don't look at me like that.

What did you expect?

And The Event Rolls On

2006-10-22T00:55:00.000-02:30

So, I've spent the last few days hanging out in San d'Oria.

And damn, if I'm not rolling in cash now.

Between the cakes and pies and other sweets, I've probably made a few hundred thousand gil.

It's actually really easy. I spent the first few hours trying to use the Auction House. That worked pretty well, but it was taking a while.

Then, I came up with a brilliant plan.

Everytime someone game me a treat, I'd put it in my bazaar.

When people didn't get a magic item, they'd buy more treats.

From me.

At a jacked up price.

I swear, they should have just saved time and given me a license to print my own money

Anyway, I'm raking in my profits, when I notice Pathfinder walking past me heading for the AH.

Considering I was actually in a good mood, I decided to talk to him.

Money can make me do strange things.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh...
GoblinPathfinder>> Hi, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> Isn't this event great?
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong?
GoblinPathfinder>> They're going to hurt me.
GoblinSmithy>> Who?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know. Some guys.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mean guys.
GoblinSmithy>> Why are they going to hurt you?
GoblinSmithy>> Not that I disagree. I'm just curious.
GoblinPathfinder>> Well, I don't have any money.
GoblinSmithy>> Money?
GoblinSmithy>> How could you need money?
GoblinSmithy>> Aren't people giving you stuff?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's the problem.
GoblinPathfinder>> I went broke because of that.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you're being dumber than usual...
GoblinSmithy>> But I have no idea what you're saying.
GoblinPathfinder>> I had to spend all of my money.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
GoblinPathfinder>> How in the hell else am I going to get hats for people?
GoblinSmithy>> You're actually giving them hats?
GoblinPathfinder> Yeah, but I don't have any money to buy more.
GoblinSmithy>> I...
GoblinSmithy>> You...
GoblinSmithy>> Someone needs to kill you.
GoblinSmithy>> A lot.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know what to do.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got an idea.
GoblinSmithy>> It might just work.

Okay... So walking away and leaving him to the mercy of the hatless wonders may not have been the greatest plan ever.

Still. At least I didn't have to hear about it.

I'm Rich, Bitch

2006-10-20T01:25:00.000-02:30

Finally, an event I can get behind.

I was doing my usual tour of duty in Yuhtunga Jungle today when I noticed the place was practically empty.

This might have made me happy any other day, but I was in stabbin' mood. Somebody needed to get stabbed or I just wasn't going to be happy.

I was trying to figure out where everyone might be when Shaman showed up.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Where the hell is everyone?
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinShaman>> They're all back at their cities.
GoblinSmithy>> I finally scared them into hiding.
GoblinShaman>> Uhh... No.
GoblinShaman>> They're doing one of those silly events.
GoblinSmithy>> Not again.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate those things.
GoblinShaman>> You hate everything.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...

I decided that I was going to be proactive. Rather than sit around and wait for the morons to show up, I decided to take the fight to them.

Smithy was going to San d'Oria.

I ran through Kazham and hopped on an airship. It's amazing how quickly you can get through customs with a blood covered knife.

A few airship rides after that and I landed in Port Sandy.

I was just standing there, minding my own business and trying to fiure out where to go next, when an adventurer ran up to me.

Figuring he was about to attack me, I reached for my sword.

Before I could pull it out, though, he handed me something.

A pie.

Have you people gone freaking insane?

Why in the hell was this guy handing me baked goods?

Honestly, I was so surprised, I didn't know what to do.

GoblinSmithy>> ... Thanks?
Player>> Dammit.
Player>> It didn't work.

I'm just starting to wonder what he means when he hands me another pie.

Player>> C'mon...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks.
Player>> DAMMIT!

And he hands me another pie.

Now, my mama didn't raise no fools. So, I stood there and just let him hand me pie.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Then other people started running up to me. And they started handing me things.

Cookies, cakes, pies.

It was beautiful.

They quickly started to stack up and I realized this stuff could be worth a lot of money.

I tried to run to the AH, but damn if they didn't start following me.

Player1>> Give me a hat.
GoblinSmithy>> Go to hell.

And they'd hand me more food.

I must have had 50,000 gil worth of pastries and baked goods, and the morons were still trading to me.

Unfortunately, all of my AH slots were full and my bag was starting to fill up.

Damn you, Bluffnix.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, okay.
GoblinSmithy>> The event's over now.
GoblinSmithy>> You all win.
GoblinSmithy>> Yay!

But they just stood there with their mindless, unblinking stares.

GoblinSmithy>> You can go home now.
Player2>> Where's my hat?
Player3>> Yeah!
Player3>> I want my hat!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have any hats.
Player2>> Are you kidding?!
Player3>> You better have something!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> I sure do.
GoblinSmithy>> I can turn you all into ghosts.
Player2>> That's not too bad, I guess.
Player3>> It'll due.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Everyone close your eyes.

And wouldn't you know it? They actually closed their eyes.

It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

Or stabbing fish in a barrel.

A small barrel.

And very stupid fish.

Retarded fish, even.

Still, an event where I make a shitload of gil and get to stab morons?

Sign me up.

Workplace Safety

2006-10-18T14:46:00.000-02:30

One of the things they didn't mention when I got the job was the obscenely high level of on the job hazards.

Yes, I know I was signing up to get stabbed on a regular basis. That was a given.

But have you ever actually taken a look at Vana'diel? The place is a death trap.

Oh, yeah, your cities are all nice and pretty. San d'Oria with it's beautiful castle walls. Bastok with it's gorgeous cobblework. Windurst with it's...

It's...

Sticks and mud.

Our places? I mean what the hell?!

Have you seen some of the places we're stuck with? Everything's a cave or a mine or a hole in the dirt.

And that's just dangerous.

Take Garlaige Citadel for example. The damned place has holes in the floor everywhere.

You're just walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you fall through a giant hole onto the rocks below.

You could sprain an ankle.

Or get eaten by a giant scorpion.

I'd call that a hazard wouldn't you?

I mean, a sprained ankle will mess up your whole weekend.

And all the Beastmen places are like that. Castle Oztroja, Castle Zvahl, Temple of UglyPie.

And Davoi... That place is just sticks and mud. Come to think of it, it looks a lot like Windurst only the people are better looking.

But the buildings aren't the only source of on the job danger for us. The interactions between different Beastmen and monsters in Vana'diel can lead to serious injury.

Today, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle.

Things were going perfectly normal. I was stabbing n00bs in the neck and sending them back to their home points, making them weep over the ruin that was their face.

You know, normal.

Suddenly, a Thief runs up and shoots me with an arrow. Yes, he shot me with an arrow.

On purpose.

Assuming this poor, poor fool was trying to commit suicide, I did the only sensible thing.

I decided to help him.

A lot.

So, I start to walk up to him and he takes off running. Apparently, he wasn't committing suicide.

Maybe he has really, really bad vision and thought I was just a big Mandragora.

Still, I feel it is my duty as a representative of the Beastmen forces to educate this young man in the proper safe handling of a bow and arrow.

ie. I was about to stick my knife into something he needs to live.

I run down after him and what do I see? The Thief standing there.

With a party.

He had pulled me and planned to kill me for exp.

Man, you guys crack me up.

The place was fairly packed. There were a few other parties all (intelligently) battling Mandragoras.

That was okay, though. I had no problem with those other parties.

I had other fish to fry.

Except replace the word "fish" with the word "people".

And the word "fry" with the words "puncture until all the stuff on the inside becomes all the stuff on the outside."

I tore into them and, I'll admit, they were doing a pretty good job. They were a higher level group and the hits were doing some damage.

Still, they were no match for me. I might need a couple of band-aids when this was over, but they'd need a coroner.

Rather than let this go on much longer, I figured I'd go right for the kill.

I reached for a gobbie bomb and...

The Mandragora uses Dream Flower.
GoblinSmithy is asleep.

And the gobbie bomb was ticking.

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

I'd just wake up as soon as one of them hits me. Then, I could just toss the bomb and Boom! Problem solved.

...

...

Why weren't they hitting me?

Player>> Zzzzz

Oh.

Crap.

Do you know what sucks?

Getting blown up while you're sleeping sucks.

Stupid Mandragoras.

Smithy Tries A New Job

2006-10-16T01:16:00.000-02:30

A few days ago, I was a little bored, so I decided to try out another job during my spare time.

I was going to try Beastmaster, but then I thought of Pathfinder and realized the flag quest must involve severe head trauma.

Then, I decided on Ninja.

I mean, who the hell is cooler than a Ninja?

Okay... All of you pirates can just shut the hell up right now. Go swab your decks or something, you frilly shirted morons.

Anyway, I soloed my way through the first few levels until I finally got an interesting new spell.

GoblinSmithy>> What's Utsusemi?
GoblinShaman>> Oh, that.
GoblinShaman>> It creates shadows to keep you from taking damage.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> So, they won't be able to hit me?
GoblinShaman>> Nope.
GoblinSmithy>> No one?
GoblinShaman>> No. Nobody.
GoblinSmithy>> You're sure no one will be able to hit me.?
GoblinShaman>> Why do you ask?

And that's when I stabbed him in the face.

Now, those of you who don't know Shaman, I'll give you a little insight.

*whisper* He doesn't like getting stabbed in the face. *whisper*

So, he's standing there holding the bloody ruin that was his face and he took a swing at me.

1 of GoblinSmithy's shadows absorbs the damage and disappears.

GoblinSmithy>> Holy Promathia!
GoblinSmithy>> It really worked!
GoblinShaman>> I'm going to freakin' kill you!
GoblinSmithy>> C'mon, bitch!
GoblinSmithy>> BRING IT!

He took another swing and missed again.

And then again.

I cast Utsusemi again and suddenly, I've got three more shadows.

I was invincible.

He just kept swinging and swinging, and just kept missing and missing.

It was like watching a blind person trying to fight.

Or a mentally handicapped person.

Or a Dark Knight.

I stood there laughing at his pathetic attempts. I was so far beyond him now, he couldn't even comprehend it.

I had just finished casting a new set of shadows, when I see a message.

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga on GoblinSmithy.

Who was he trying to kid?

GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk.
GoblinSmithy>> Getting desperate are we?

His spell hits and suddenly, all of my shadows were gone.

I was defenseless.

And he was starting to cast another spell.

GoblinSmithy>> HAHA, Loser!
GoblinSmithy>> I'll just make more shadows.
GoblinSmithy>> Utsusemi GO!

Unable to cast spells at this time.

Oh crap.

GoblinSmithy>> C'mon.
GoblinSmithy>> This isn't funny.

Unable to cast spells at this time.

GoblinSmithy>> Ohdamnohdamnohdamn!

Unable to cast spells at this time.
Unable to cast spells at this time.
Unable to cast spells at this time.

GoblinSmithy>> Can't we talk this over?

Apparently, the recast on Utsusemi is 40 seconds.

Unfortunately, an angry, bleeding Black Mage can do a lot in 40 seconds.

If you'll need me, I'll be out getting some skin grafts done.

Pathfinder In The Hood

2006-10-15T01:08:00.000-02:30

Seriously. I'm going to kill him.

I'm not talking my usual "he's being an idiot" kill him.

I am going to kill that retard.

He shows up in the jungle today wearing gold chains, a diamond mouthpiece, and a hat on backwards.

Also, a fur coat.

He looked like a pimp threw up on him.

GoblinPathfinder>> Yo, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wassup, yo?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Words fail me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yo, G.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be playa hatin'.
GoblinSmithy>> What is wrong with you?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm jus keepin' it real, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> You're why Jerry Lewis has telethons.
GoblinPathfinder>> Man, you just don't know how to roll.
GoblinSmithy>> You forgot to say yo.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did I?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sorry.
GoblinPathfinder>> Man, you just don't know how to roll, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> Better.
GoblinSmithy>> Much more ree-yall.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean... Thanks, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I ask what brought this on?
GoblinPathfinder>> This is how all the cool people talk.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinPathfinder>> This is how all the cool people talk, yo.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> There are only two types of people that talk like that.
GoblinSmithy>> One is people who are actually in gangs.
GoblinSmithy>> The other is retarded people.
GoblinPathfinder>> But...
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't have a gang.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm shocked.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then what would it take for me to be cool?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm guessing an act from Altana.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I want to be cool like you.

That would have melted my heart if I had one.

He wants to be just like me.

Maybe I should help him.

GoblinSmithy>> Do you know what's really cool?
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> Scars.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay. Cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> But how would I get...

*STAB*

Yeah. Not so much with the helping.

Please, I'm posting this as a public service announcement. If you or anyone you know talks like this for no good reason, please hold them under water until they stop kicking.

You'll be doing the world a favor.

I'm Baaaaack

2006-10-10T18:38:00.000-02:30

Man, that was a great vacation.

I was just standing in the middle of Yhoator a few days ago, up to my knees in adventurer entrails, and I decided I needed to take some time off.

You know, take a break from the daily grind.

I mean that literally. I can't very well just leave these bodies lying around. I'd have cops on me every freakin' day.

Do you have any idea how much work is involved in grinding up a Galka?

The Tarus, yeah. They're easy.

You can grind one of them up with a cheese grater.

But a Galka? Damn.

You'd need a thresher for that shit.

So standing there, with an easy five hours of grinding up corpses ahead of me, a vacation seemed like a beautiful idea.

I wanted to go someplace nice. Someplace warm.

The beach maybe.

Unfortunately, the only beach I know of is Valkurm Dunes and I don't think I'd qualify that as a place I'd go to relax.

Actually, I don't think I'd qualify that as a place I'd go. Period.

I was just starting to consider going to Norg on a cruise when Shaman happened by.

GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> What're you up to?
GoblinSmithy>> My knees in adventurer guts.
GoblinShaman>> I can see that.
GoblinShaman>> I meant what are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm thinking.
GoblinShaman>> I thought I smelled smoke.
GoblinSmithy>> That reminds me.

*stab*

GoblinShaman>> Okay, okay.
GoblinShaman>> I'll stop.
GoblinShaman>> What're you thinking about?
GoblinSmithy>> I was thinking of taking a vacation.
GoblinSmithy>> I just can't think of anywhere to go.
GoblinShaman>> What about Windurst?
GoblinSmithy>> Yay! Let's go vacation in a bog!
GoblinSmithy>> Who needs walls when you have sticks and mud?
GoblinSmithy>> How about no?
GoblinShaman>> Well... What are you looking for?
GoblinSmithy>> I was thinking about the beach.
GoblinShaman>> You could always go to Valkurm.

When we both stopped laughing...

GoblinShaman>> I love that joke.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but sadly, that's it for beaches around here.
GoblinShaman>> What about Bibiki Bay?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I always forget about that place.
GoblinShaman>> I hear it's nice this time of year.
GoblinShaman>> And it's not that hard to get to.
GoblinSmithy>> That's true.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, I think Bibiki Bay it is.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks for helping.
GoblinShaman>> No problem.
GoblinShaman>> Can I come?
GoblinSmithy>> No.

Having finally made my decision, I grabbed all of my vacation gear (towels, food, my speedo, etc) and headed off for Bibiki Bay.

I was on Purogo...

Purgno...

Some island and set up my beach chair not far from the water.

The air was warm and humid, and the breeze brought fresh air down off the mountain.

It was paradise. An isolated paradise.

A goblin could get used to this.

Serra>> Smithy?

Or not.

I turned around and there just below the tide line wass a giant fish.

Wait... Fish is too kind a word.

This was a giant pile of ugly wrapped in some more ugly.

Also known as a pugil.

Serra>> Is that you Smithy?!
GoblinSmithy>> That depends.
GoblinSmithy>> Do I owe you money?
Serra>> ... No.
GoblinSmithy>> Did I severely injure you or a family member?
Serra>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you here to exact revenge upon me?
Serra>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Then yeah, it's me.
GoblinSmithy>> Who are you?
Serra>> Oh, c'mon
Serra>> It's me, Serra.
Serra>> From highschool.
GoblinSmithy>> Serra?
GoblinSmithy>> I haven't seen you in ages.
Serra>> I know.
Serra>> Not since the prom.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought we promised never to speak of that again.
Serra>> Oh, that was years ago.
Serra>> Besides, that wasn't your fault.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
Serra>> It happens to every guy.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT UP!
Serra>> Well, it's good to see you.
Serra>> What are you up to these days?
GoblinSmithy>> Same old, same old.
GoblinSmithy>> Killin' and Chillin'.
GoblinSmithy>> And you?
GoblinSmithy>> What have you been up to?
Serra>> Not much.
Serra>> I'm an NM now.
GoblinSmithy>> Nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Drops any good?
Serra>> I drop a really nice pair of boots.
GoblinSmithy>> That's cool.
GoblinSmithy>> Rare/EX I suppose.
Serra>> Actually, no.
Serra>> And they go for roughly 150k at the Auction House.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't know that...

It was at this point that a moral dilemma struck me.

Which is of greater value: an old friendship or the prospect of new items?

I mean, on the one hand, friends are the most important thing you can have.

On the other hand, I really wanted new boots.

Decisions, decisions. I must have labored over that one for four whole seconds.

Maybe even five.

By the way, does pugil go better with red wine or white wine?

Taking Chances

2006-10-07T13:49:00.000-02:30

I don't know what possesses adventurers. I really don't.

All of this being nice lately had left a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I hadn't murdered anyone in Yhoator for days.

I don't want the adventurers thinking they're safe or anything. I spent spent years establishing a very important reputation.

One of the best parts of my job is getting to giggle as an adventurer wets himself after seeing me.

You haven't lived until you've seen a giant Galka curl up into the fetal position and cry just at seeing you.

Tarus do it, too, but it's honestly hard to tell when those guys are lying down.

Still, I can't have them thinking I've gone soft, so I grabbed my gear and headed off to the jungle.

As I zoned in, I felt my lungs fill with that familiar jungle air. The heavy mist was mingled with subtle scents - blood and sweat and fresh mandragora pollen. It was everywhere.

Or maybe it was coming from the dead body under my feet.

Damn, I love this jungle somedays.

Anyway, I headed off to my favorite spot just beyond the tunnel near the zoneline.

Why so far from the zoneline, you may ask?

Adventurers always like to hang out near the zoneline. This way, the little bitches can run away when I try to get my stab on.

Can't even stand up to me like men.

It gets incredibly frustrating to start a good party wipe only to have the bastards run across a line and suddenly disappear.

So, I stand back a bit and let them come to me. Just far enough that I can take them before they make it to the zoneline.

My favorite is when I get that last stab in as the cross the line. They're all happy and excited, and then they spawn on the other side face down in the dirt.

I love that.

You're probably asking yourself who would be dumb enough to come to me.

Answer: a whole lot of freaking people, that's who.

Someone always has to get a little too brave for their own good. All the good camps near the zone are taken, so they have to find someplace else. Someplace closer to me. They take a chance that maybe I won't see them, that maybe I'm far enough away that they're safe.

Yeah, that never works out.

I started putting away 5 gil every time someone was stupid enough to get too close to me and then had to pay the price for it.

I'll be buying a Scorpion Harness soon.

So, I'm at my favorite spot and I notice a party off to the side. They're camped near the top of the hill just a few metres from my spawn point.

It was just a matter of time.

As they faught Mandies, they would slowly back toward me.

Closer...

Closer...

And then, it finally happened. Their Red Mage got a little too brave and stepped back a bit to get out of the range of Dream Flower. He didn't want to be put to sleep.

There's irony there, I'm sure.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, there.
RedMage>> Oh crap!
RedMage>> AGGRO!
GoblinSmithy>> Why do people keep calling me that?
GoblinSmithy>> That's not very nice.
RedMage>> Voke it!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I have feelings too, you know.
GoblinSmithy>> You're undermining my self-esteem.
RedMage>> HELP!!!
RedMage>> Get it off me!
GoblinSmithy>> I feel your comments are unwarranted.
GoblinSmithy>> You're just assuming I'm going to kill you.
RedMage>> ...
RedMage>> You're not?
GoblinSmithy>> Of course, I am.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you, retarded?
RedMage>> AGGRO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Again with the name calling.

*EYE STAB*

In future, I'm sure that Red Mage will be smart enough to stay clear when he sees me.

Well... As long as I'm standing on his left side.

He doesn't see too good from the right anymore.

Twelve Steps

2006-10-05T23:23:00.000-02:30

Once I had recovered from my burns, I sat down with Shaman and we talked about his problem.

I know a lot of you are wondering why I'm being so nice to Shaman lately. It's not like me to be so kind.

That's true.

But you have to understand that Shaman is my best friend.

Hell, he's my only friend.

I'd do anything for that guy.

Okay... Shaman and his Black Mage buddies help me do some BCNMs to make gil. These pointy subligars don't come cheap you know.

If I don't fix him and soon, I'm going to be flat broke and not be able to purchase armor.

And since I don't think anyone wants to see me running around Yhoator with no pants on, I've got to get Shaman back on his feet.

If I have to be nice to do that, then so be it. I'll murder a few extra morons tomorrow to balance it out.

After some gentle persuasion (and me pulling out my sword), we decided it might be good for him to join a support group.

If this didn't fix him, I don't know what would.

I walked him over to the meeting and wished him good luck.

GoblinShaman>> You're not coming in?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not the one with the problem.
GoblinShaman>> Are you sure you...
GoblinSmithy>> OKAY, KNOCK IT OFF!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I DO NOT HAVE A RAGE PROBLEM!!!
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> I was just asking if you wanted to go with me.
GoblinShaman>> You know, like support.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh... NO.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, just toddle in there and get fixed.
GoblinSmithy>> Yell, cry, hug each other...
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever.
GoblinShaman>> I really don't want to go in there alone.

I was struck by an internal conflict.

On one side was my intense hatred of people and having to listen to stupid people.

On the other was my fondness for having money to buy luxuries such as food and clothing.

Hatred of people.

Fondness for pants.

How does a man make such a decision?

GoblinShaman>> I think they have free donuts.
GoblinSmithy>> Free donuts?
GoblinSmithy>> Sure, I'll go with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Gotta support my best friend, you know.
GoblinShaman>> I'm touched.
GoblinSmithy>> Great.
GoblinSmithy>> I get donuts and you get touched.
GoblinSmithy>> Win-win.

And with that, we stepped into Shaman's first meeting...

Five minutes later, we stepped out of Shaman's first meeting.

GoblinSmithy>> Good meeting.
GoblinSmithy>> You fixed yet?
GoblinShaman>> I can't believe you just did that.
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinShaman>> You stabbed a guy in the neck.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Good times.
GoblinShaman>> You're insane.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, he was asking for it.
GoblinSmithy>> He was a gilbuyer.
GoblinShaman>> THIS IS A GILBUYER MEETING!
GoblinSmithy>> I know.
GoblinSmithy>> It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
GoblinShaman>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
GoblinShaman>> IT'S WRONG!
GoblinSmithy>> If killing gilbuyers is wrong, I don't want to be right.

He kind of stormed off after that.

I guess the meeting just wasn't for him.

Maybe it was that gobbie bomb I lobbed into the crowd.

Man, that got messy.

Good donuts, though.

Shaman Returns

2006-10-05T00:34:00.000-02:30

Many of you have been asking where Shaman is. I realize he hasn't been in the blog for quite some time.

After the intervention to help him stop buying gil, he barred himself inside his house and hasn't come out since.

At least... Not until today.

I just happened to be wandering past Shaman's neighborhood when I noticed his door was ajar.

Right away, I started to worry. Shaman's the kind of guy that you always want to know where he is. Having someone who can set you on fire sneaking around is a bad idea.

And since personal experience has proven that I am highly flammable, I needed to find him as fast as possible.

I really didn't want him taking me by surpri...

And that's when I felt a soft tapping on my shoulder.

Without even turning, I knew it was him. I instinctively closed my eyes and waited for the sharp crackle of flame and the pungent odor of my burning flesh.

And waited...

And waited...

And... Nothing happened.

I turned slowly and there was Shaman. He looked like he had been sleeping under a dumpster for a week.

The weird thing though was the way his eyes looked. They were dull and far away.

GoblinSmithy>> Shaman?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you okay, Shaman?
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!
GoblinSmithy>> WAKE UP!

When it became readily apparent that yelling wasn't going to work, I decided drastic measures were in order.

Also, I have to say I got a little bit of enjoyment out of slapping that bastard.

GoblinShaman>> What the hell are you doing?!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm trying to wake you up.
GoblinSmithy>> You're kind of out of it.
GoblinShaman>> Couldn't you have just pinched me?
GoblinSmithy>> Huh...
GoblinSmithy>> Never thought about it.
GoblinShaman>> You just wanted to hit me, didn't you?
GoblinSmithy>> Little bit, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't expect you to wake up after the first one.
GoblinSmithy>> Ruins all the fun.
GoblinShaman>> So freakin' sorry to disappoint you.
GoblinShaman>> Jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Man, you owe me for that intervention.
GoblinShaman>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinShaman>> That's actually why I came to find you.

This was it. This was when he was going to set me on fire.

I could feel it.

GoblinShaman>> I wanted to thank you.

...

Yeah, maybe I overreacted.

GoblinSmithy>> You're thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> Yes.
GoblinShaman>> You helped me see that it was wrong.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> Yes, you.
GoblinShaman>> I don't know what would have happened to me.
GoblinShaman>> Gil selling is an ugly place.
GoblinShaman>> You helped me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanking me?
GoblinShaman>> I know it must have been hard.
GoblinShaman>> Having to take care of me.
GoblinShaman>> And then giving all of my stuff to charity.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Charity.
GoblinShaman>> Seriously, man. Thank you.
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry about it.
GoblinSmithy>> I do like to give back to the community, you know.

Wow. It really seems that his isolation had helped him get past it all.

And it was all because of me.

Me.

And all out of the goodness in my heart.

GoblinShaman>> Wait...
GoblinShaman>> Are those my Snipers' rings?
GoblinSmithy>> Uh...
GoblinSmithy>> No?

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire III on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> Crap.

I got to say, even despite the massive burning and internal injuries, it's nice to have Shaman back.

Look at me. I'm a big softy.

GiftPacks Sent

2006-10-04T02:11:00.000-02:30

I just finished the fan club giftpacks and sent them out.

Now, I just need sleep.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and get to the roots of the blog. This will either be funny or a horrendous failure.

So, you'll either get to laugh with me or at me.

Anyway, have a good night and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yes, I realize that does not include very much, but still.

Big Blingin'

2006-10-02T20:45:00.000-02:30

So, I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle when suddenly I hear loud music.

Now, this isn't exactly unheard of. Pretty much everywhere you go in Vana'diel has music playing.

You get used to it after a while.

But in all my years (4), I had never heard Tupac playing as background music.

The music was very loud and getting louder by the second. Underneath the music, though, I could hear another sound.

Hmmm... Couldn't figure out what it was. It was a loud squeal.

Maybe someone was killing a Taru.

Then slowly, I figured out what that sound was.

Screeching tires.

Now, who in the hell would be dumb enough to drive through the jun...

I managed to dive out of the way before Pathfinder could have ran me over in his Nissan.

At least... I thought it was Pathfinder's Nissan...

This thing was painted gold and had 20 inch rims with spinners. All of the windows were tinted and I'm pretty sure there was neon underneath the car.

I was just starting to wonder if somebody had been playing Saint's Row and gotten lost when the door opened and out jumped Pathfinder. He was wrapped in a big fur coat and his neck glittered with jewelry.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Like the new wheels?
GoblinSmithy>> Where did you get this thing?
GoblinSmithy>> Did a pimp have a yard sale?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're so funny, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> We should do lunch sometime.
GoblinPathfinder>> My people will call your people, k?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have people.
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, you don't have people.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, Smitty, Smitty...
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be playa hatin'.
GoblinSmithy>> What was that?
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> What you just said.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell was that?
GoblinPathfinder>> That's how cool people talk.
GoblinSmithy>> What does that have to do with you?
GoblinSmithy>> And where did you get all of this stuff?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, haven't you heard?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm a movie star now.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need big, expensive things.
GoblinSmithy>> You're not a movie star.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then how can I afford all of this stuff, smart guy?
GoblinSmithy>> How can you afford all of this?
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Mostly my credit cards, but still...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh Altana, you're screwed.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't be silly.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll pay them off when I get my big movie check.
GoblinSmithy>> What movie check?
GoblinPathfinder>> For the new Pathfinder movie.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm going to be a millionaire.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you actually act in the movie?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... No.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you have anything to do with the movie?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Did they even call you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not yet.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an idiot, you know that?
GoblinPathfinder>> You just don't understand show biz.
GoblinSmithy>> Apparently, not.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait... My cellphone is ringing.
GoblinPathfinder>> You don't have a cellphone.
GoblinSmithy>> Sure I do. It's right here.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not holding anything.
GoblinSmithy>> Sssshhhhh. I'm on the phone.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh huh... Uh huh...
GoblinSmithy>> It's your agent.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> What does he want?
GoblinSmithy>> Let me ask him.
GoblinSmithy>> Uh huh... Uh huh...
GoblinPathfinder>> Well?
GoblinSmithy>> He says you're retarded.

I swear right now, if he starts giving autographs, I'm going to kill him.

More than usual.

WTF?

2006-09-30T22:23:00.000-02:30

Perfect. Just perfect.

He's going to be impossible to live with now, you realize.

Sin Smithy

2006-09-30T00:26:00.000-02:30

The rain poured from the sky as Smithy walked carefully through the Jungle. Every bough seemed to bend downward, drunk under the weight of the water.

A few wet fronds dragged across his mask, but he didn't notice. His eyes were focused only on his quarry.

He had been following this group for some time now. They were terribly lethal, as several Mandragoras could no doubt attest, but they were getting sloppy. Their technique was suffering as they began to tire.

Their latest opponent, yet another Mandragora in a string of grisly killings, fell to their onslaught.

Smithy would make them pay. He would make them pay for every last one.

All he had to do was wait for his opening. Smithy bided his time carefully. Then, as heleaned to crush a cigarette beneath his boot, he heard an almost lyrical sound as the perfect opportunity presented itself.

WhiteMage>> (( White Mage )) MP: 12/225 ---> 5%

Their White Mage, their only true hope in any real conflict, was out of mana.

The time was right.

Smithy sprung from the shadows like a bullet from the barrel of a gun. Before they could even register what was happening, two of their group had already been taken. A third would soon join them.

Their leader turned and ran. A coward.

Smithy ended the two remaining party members, two Taru mages, with a sweep of his sword. Their mystical chants died in their sliced throats, their magic dying with it.

He chased the leaer deeperinto the jungle. In his hurry to escape, he had apparently gotten turned around and was running aimlessly through the paths and caverns.

Smithy tracked him across half the jungle until finally finding him crouching at the base of a tree, shivering from the cold damp in his clothes.

He looked up at Smithy with wide pleading eyes and, just for a second, he saw a slight glimmer of mercy behind the cold darksteel of his mask.

But that second was only one, that moment of mercy only fleeting.

With an almost graceful flourish, Smithy swung his blade and delivered one last killing stroke. The coward died as cowards should, his back full against the Earth, his face full of tears.

Smithy quietly lit another cigarette and started his long walk back home.

Love On The Smithy

2006-09-28T22:49:00.000-02:30

The waves crashed violently against the pier in Kazham, tossing ocean spray up into the crystal blue sky.

And there, across a haze of sea mist, Smithy spotted a beautiful Hume woman leaning back gently to languish in the sun.

Her blond hair cascaded down across her face and she lifted one porcelain hand to move it back into place. As her hand fell from the gentle slope of her brow, she let it slide along the curve of her cheek and then down the side of her body.

Smithy felt his heart surge upward, wishing he could be that mist that enveloped her so. Her beauty transcended the mere physical and his very being ached to see more of her.

With his heart beating savagely at the confines of his chest, Smithy started to slowly make his way toward her. With each step, his heart seemed to raise in tempo.

He had to have her.

As he approached, an unusually strong wave crashed hard against the wooden dock and sent a cold spray toward her. Her laughter seemed to fill the very air, itself, and Smithy's mind pulsed with the rhythm of her voice.

Suddenly, it was all too much for him. The mist, the waves, her hair, her laughter. It overcame him.

He rushed up to her and wrapped his muscular arms around her, his chest heaving as the touch of her supple skin left him breathless. He pressed his body against her ample bosom and leaned her back, cradling her.

As he held her, one hand at the small of her back, the other resting gently on her hip, he leaned in slowly so that their lips could finally meet.

Player>> AGGRO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't fight it.
GoblinSmithy>> We were meant to be together.
Player>> wha?!
Player>> dood! WTF r u doin?!
GoblinSmithy>> I want... I need to kiss you.
Player>> rofl
Player>> dood, i'm a guy.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What?
Player>> dood, that's sooooo gay.

As her/his body sank beneath the waves, Smithy felt his heart ache as the last pieces of his heart were broken.

Must like her/his trachea.

Love hurts.

A Haiku

2006-09-28T17:19:00.000-02:30

Face down on cold ground
Party wipe at Smithy hands
White Mage tried to pull

Fan Club Update

2006-09-28T02:42:00.000-02:30

It's fan club week again. I realize this post is a little late and that was intentional.

The recent Pathfinder's mother story was written in a much different style. Rather than try and put everything into a comedic light, I decided to try something new.

I thought this week would be fun to try a whole bunch of different writing styles. Romance, Adventure, Mystery...

Others...

Each story would still have the same Smithy feel to them, but would be new and interesting (hopefully).

Feel free to suggest writing styles you'd like to see. I'll be more than happy to try any style you suggest.

Also, that's what your girlfriend said.

Just kidding.

Also, remember that everyone who donates at least five dollars to help me out becomes a member of the fan club receives a free giftpack including new, exclusive stories, wallpapers, fun pictures, etc, etc, etc.

Basically, whatever I can throw together to show you guys how cool you are.

So, let me know what styles you'd like to see and I'll get to writing.

Note: Anyone who suggests erotica will be immediately shot.

Back To Business

2006-09-27T00:54:00.000-02:30

The air was especially sweet in Yhoator today.

It's funny. You get killed over and over and over again in a place and you forget how nice the place is.

It really is a beautiful jungle. The trees are lush and tropical and give the entire place an exotic atmosphere. A gentle mist always hangs over the trees. And the waterfall is just breath-taking.

Just standing there, looking up at that expanse of emerald trees, I realized how special this place really is. It's a verdant oasis beset with battle and death.

As I was quietly pondering the quiet beauty of the jungle, a group of adventurers appeared from around a corner and set up camp not far away.

Loud adventurers.

Player1>> OMG!
Player1>> I can't believe you got lost!
Player2>> Shut up!
Player3>> Oh come on.
Player3>> It's his first time here.
Player1>> Yeah, but he was halfway to Norg.
Player2>> I took a wrong turn.
Player4>> You took seven wrong turns.
Player1>> LOL
Player3>> Haha
Player2>> That's not funny.

Ugh.

Something had to be done. I couldn't let them spoil the gentle, serenity of my jungle.

Plus, a little splash of red on the ground might make a nice touch.

I'm the Martha Stewart of mass murder.

GoblinSmithy>> Good afternoon. Welcome to Yhoator.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be your killer today.
Player1>> OH CRAP!
Player1>> AGGRO!
GoblinSmithy>> The special today is eye stabbings.
GoblinSmithy>> Would you like some screaming and crying to start?
Player2>> Voke it! Voke it!
GoblinSmithy>> Might I suggest the sampler?
Player3>> Should we zone it?
Player5>> We're too far!
GoblinSmithy>> It comes with your choice of soup.

I went to work on them and one by one they started to fall. The White Mage went first and then their tank.

My body was pulsing with energy. It felt as if the jungle itself had lent me its force so that I could protect it.

And I would.

After the past few days, I wouldn't let anyone hurt this wonderful, beautiful land. This jungle was too precious to spoil.

GoblinSmithy>> FOR YHOATOR!!!

I leaned back preparing for the final killing blow. Their last standing member was about to taste the cold steel of my...

Wait... Did something just go thud?

I turned around and saw a White Lizard standing behind me. Then, I noticed the mark where I had accidentally hit him.

Then, I saw ten of his friends standing right behind him.

Do you know what's fun?

Not getting gangraped by a bunch of angry lizards, that's for sure.

...

I hate this damned jungle.

She Brought You Into This World... - Vol. 2

2006-09-26T00:53:00.000-02:30

I woke up with a blazing headache. I tried to open my eyes, but the lids were heavy and I started to swim in and out of consciousness.

Between the quiet depths of sleep, I could hear crying.

Always crying.

When I finally managed to bring myself out of it, I found myself tied up, laying on the cold rock of a cellar.

The slowly expanding pool of crimson beneath me did nothing to calm my nerves.

Pathfinder was sitting against the far wall, curled into the fetal position. His body looked none the worse for wear, but his eyes told a different story.

His eyes were... broken.

The usual glaze of stupidity that had always clouded Pathfinder's eyes was gone. Now, there was only stark, terrible understanding.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit, man! Wake up!
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Mommy's mad.

There was something in that voice. Something I didn't like.

I had to get him back and quickly.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder, snap out of it.
GoblinSmithy>> We need to get free.
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh uh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mommy said no.

That's when I noticed something odd.

He wasn't tied up.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Get over here and untie me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I... I can't.
GoblinSmithy>> DAMMIT, YOU MORON!
GoblinSmithy>> GET OVER HERE!
GoblinPathfinder>> Sssshhhhhhh.
GoblinPathfinder>> You'll wake her.

Suddenly, there came the sound of footsteps from above us.

Mommy was up.

Yay.

Pathfinder started to shake and a pool began to form beneath him. I started to wonder if maybe he'd been hurt and I hadn't noticed. Then the smell hit me.

He had wet himself.

Yeah... I'm soooo glad we decided to hide here.

A door opened and then I heard footsteps descending the stairs. Angry footsteps.

I was just trying to pivot my body on the floor when a foot came down hard against the side of my head.

MrsPathfinder>> You're the one.
MrsPathfinder>> You're the one what took my boy away.
GoblinSmithy>> I took the what now?
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't take your boy.
MrsPathfinder>> You taught him to run off and adventure.
GoblinSmithy>> That was so not me.
GoblinSmithy>> Most of the time, I'm telling him to go the hell home.
MrsPathfinder>> LIAR!
MrsPathfinder>> LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

She punctuated every word with a sharp kick to my head. I could feel the darkness trying to slide back in across my eyes, but I fought it off.

If I passed out, I was likely not going to wake up.

Hmm... Maybe I should try to be subtle with her.

GoblinSmithy>> Listen, Bitch...

Or not.

You know, whatever.

GoblinSmithy>> I didn't teach your boy anything.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't even like him.
GoblinSmithy>> But maybe he had a reason to run away.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe it was... Hmmm... I don't know...
GoblinSmithy>> The fact that you're freakin' insane.

Do you know what hurts? Getting kicked in the face.

That hurts.

MrsPathfinder>> NO!
MrsPathfinder>> You made him do it!
MrsPathfinder>> You made him leave me!
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't do shit, lady.
GoblinSmithy>> He ran away.
GoblinSmithy>> Apparently, he's not as retarded as I thought.
MrsPathfinder>> Don't you say that.
GoblinSmithy>> He's happy.
GoblinSmithy>> He has friends.
GoblinSmithy>> Not me... But that bee of his seems nice.
MrsPathfinder>> The bee!
MrsPathfinder>> THE BEE!!!
MrsPathfinder>> I'm going to kill that little bastard!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah... That's been done.
GoblinSmithy>> A lot.
MrsPathfinder>> I'm going to squash him like... like...
GoblinSmithy>> A bug?
MrsPathfinder>> SHUT UP!
GoblinSmithy>> Somebody's getting cranky.

She started kicking me again. Again and again and again.

I was futilely trying to roll away from her when I looked up into her eyes. They were burning, burning with insane rage.

Then...

Then there was a loud clang followed by a sharp metallic thud. Her eyes went blazing to blank in one instant.

And there behind her was Pathfinder. He was holding a large, metal pipe that was slick with fresh blood.

He had saved me. He had risked his life to save me.

GoblinPathfinder>> No one is going to hurt Mr. Beeington.

Okay...

He had inadvertantly saved me.

Doesn't matter to me. As long as I'm still breathing, it's all cool with me.

We didn't talk. He came over and untied me and then quietly walked upstairs. He walked as a man who had dropped a heavy burden that he had carried for years.

Watching him go up those stairs, I didn't hate Pathfinder in that moment.

He lead the way out of this darkness.

And I followed.

Well... I stopped long enough to kick the bitch's teeth in. That was nice.

Sigh...

2006-09-25T13:02:00.000-02:30

Stupid gloves.

Below you will find last night's update. You can even see from the time stamp that it was done last night.

Unfortunately, if you hit the "Save As Draft" button, it saves it as a draft instead of publishing it.

I mean, what the hell?

She Brought You Into This World...

2006-09-25T02:02:00.000-02:30

Having managed to free Pathfinder from the prison that he actively chose to put himself into (Altana, that gets dumber every time I think about it), we had to lay low for a few days.

The last thing we need would be to get caught and thrown back in.

I suppose it could be worse.

I heard one guy got sent over to Warcraft.

That shit is just cold.

If we were going to avoid getting seen, we had to find a place to hide out.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know any place we can hide?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well...
GoblinPathfinder>> We could hide in the last place they'd expect.
GoblinSmithy>> Dear Altana! That was down right logical.
GoblinSmithy>> That's actually a good idea.
GoblinPathfinder>> I thought so.
GoblinSmithy>> So where did you have in mind?
GoblinPathfinder>> We should hide...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah?
GoblinPathfinder>> In the prison.
GoblinPathfinder>> Huh? What do you think?
GoblinSmithy>> I think you may actually have gotten dumber.
GoblinSmithy>> If such a thing were possible.
GoblinPathfinder>> Fine.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why don't you come up with something better.
GoblinPathfinder>> You big meanie.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to have to.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, where would we be safe?

Then it struck me.

I already knew where to go. Pathfinder's mom's house.

She'd take care of us and let us stay with her until the heat blew over.

It was perfect.

GoblinSmithy>> Follow me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Where're we going?
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Just shut up and walk.

It wasn't very far, but I made sure to circle around a few times to throw off our trail.

GoblinPathfinder>> This place looks familiar.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do I know this place?
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, you're retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> Just come on.

I grabbed his arm and dragged him inside. There was a fire lit and the whole room was washed in it's amber glow.

Pathfinder was no doubt thrilled to be home again.

I turned to explain it to him, when I caught the look in his eyes.

It wasn't exactly joy.

It wasn't even remotely joy.

It was terror.

GoblinPathfinder>> Why did you bring me here?
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Your mom said...
GoblinPathfinder>> My mom?
GoblinPathfinder>> MY MOM?!!!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell is wrong with you?
GoblinPathfinder>> We have to get out of here!

I don't usually listen to Pathfinder, but the was something in his voice that I couldn't argue with.

I've heard terror before. Believe you, me.

I turned toward the door and was just about to run when I felt something crash into the back of my skull.

Everything went dark.

And, as I fell into unconsciousness, I heard Pathfinder.

I heard him screaming.

TO BE CONTINUED *DUN DUN DUNNNNNN*

FREEDOM!!!

2006-09-23T01:03:00.000-02:30

I am once again roaming the open countryside of Vana'diel.

The escape went better than I had hoped. I had planned on Pathfinder dying a horribly bloody death, but he managed to survive.

Maybe better is too strong a term.

Everything started out as planned. We gathered outside my cell after dinner and waited for the perfect moment.

Shift change.

Every evening, the guards changed shifts. Unfortunately, there were twice as many guards nearby, but they'd be disorganized and unprepared.

When the time came, we set our plan into action.

Pathfinder charmed a guard and set him loose on the rest. One second, they're talking about last night's game and the next, they're trying to kill each other.

Perfect.

Next, I sent the demons in to clear a path for us.

GoblinPathfinder>> Did you say a path?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut the hell up.

We made our way toward the yard. All hell had broken loose and no one really seemed to be paying us any attention.

The yags were setting the pace in front and I had the orcs tag along behind us so that:

a) they couldbe brought forward in case of emergency

b) they could be left behind at my leisure

Things were going perfect.

BlackMage1 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage2 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage3 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.
BlackMage4 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Prior.
BlackMage5 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.
BlackMage6 starts casting Firaga III on the Yagudo Zealot.

Yeah. Nothing says perfect plan like watching your back up get lit on fire.

Seems I had underestimated our guards. While the guys inside were busy getting their asses kicked by their union rep, they had a full alliance of Black Mages waiting for us at the gate.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh crap.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do we do now?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd assume we die.
GoblinSmithy>> Why don't you go first?

I was all ready to get set ablaze when something interesting happened.

The orcs swarmed past us and ran head long into the Black Mages.

Well... They ran head long toward the Black Mages.

I'll give the guys points for enthusiasm, but I really don't think they thought that plan through entirely.

Maybe I shouldn't have told them to run towards the light.

They had barely made it a few steps in front of us when the Mages started casting again. I tackled Pathfinder to the ground and rolled him just outof their range.

Okay... It wasn't so much a tackle as me diving and accidentally hitting Pathfinder on the way.

We managed to make it out of the range of the spell, so we didn't get set on fire.

We did, however, have a horde of charred orc corpses fall on us.

Do you have any idea how bad orcs smell when they haven't been lit on fire?

Multiply that by a thousand.

Luck seemed to be with us though. The smell was so terrible that the guards wouldn't even come near the pile of bodies.

When dark came and the guards moved inside, we just got up and walked out.

Anti-climax for the win.

Honestly, that would have been truamatic enough. Then, as we walked away, I looked back at the prison.

There in the window was Pathfinder's old cellmate.

And he was crying.

Ew.

Still, we were free and the air was sweet.

At least, I assume it's sweet.

We spent hours under a pile of charred, reeking flesh.

Charred, reeking orc flesh.

Yeah, if you need me, I'll be showering for the next week or so.

The Great Escape

2006-09-21T23:57:00.000-02:30

Unfortunately, after my "voluntary parole", the prison guards had cracked down pretty hard. Everything pointy had been confiscated.

They even took my subligar.

Now, I really doubt I would have tried to murder a guard with my groin, but I have to give the guys props for planning ahead. Even I do not know the full depths of my murderous rage and it is entirely possible I may have resorted to the Tea Bagging of DOOM!

Guard>> C'mon, Smithy.
Guard>> Give me your best shot!
GoblinSmithy>> That's what your wife said.
Guard>> Wait...
Guard>> What are you...
Guard>> STOP RAPING MY FACE!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Your wife said that, too.

Yeah, I don't think I'd go that far right now, but after a couple of days sharing a cell with Pathfinder, I'm getting there.

I caught him watching me sleeping last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was just standing there watching me.

GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> Nothing.
GoblinPathfinder>> Just watching you sleep.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> That's something.
GoblinSmithy>> Something creepy.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not creepy.
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, it is.
GoblinSmithy>> Stop watching me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Smithy?
GoblinSmithy>> What?
GoblinPathfinder>> Can you tell me a story?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Sure.
GoblinSmithy>> There once was a guy named Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> Then one day he got stabbed in the face.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm going to sleep now.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought so.
GoblinPathfinder>> Night, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut the hell up.

Do you know how hard it is to get back to sleep after that?

REAL DAMN HARD!

Maybe if I had my subligar to defend against a sudden (( Sneak Attack ))...

I really need to get out of here.

I mean, who's controlling the adventurer population while I'm in here?

The jungles are no doubt anarchy by now, n00bs running free and unstabbed.

Just thinking about it sickens me.

Tonight...

Tonight will be the escape.

I've managed to fashion a make shift weapon using some paper clips and a rubber band.

When it comes to making weapons, I could make MacGuyver look retarded.

I also managed to put together a good group of guys to pull this off. I’ve got demons for brute muscle, a few yagudos for their speed, and a handful of orcs just in case we need something to stand between us and gunfire.

Things are looking good.

This had better work.

It’ll be horribly ironic if I went through all of this trouble just to end up murdering Pathfinder for being retarded.

I really deserve sainthood for this.

Well… Maybe if it weren’t for all of the killing. They tend to frown on that.

Back In The Big House

2006-09-19T18:34:00.000-02:30

When I stepped back onto D block, the place quickly went quiet.

Yeah, they may be killers, but they know better than to mess with Smithy. Even the guards were trying to keep their distance.

That's respect.

Then I heard it, very quiet and far off in the distance.

I heard someone crying.

Gee, I wonder who that could be.

I walked slowly down the main corridor until I came to Pathfinder's cell. There he was, curled up in the corner and blubbering like a little girl.

Now, I have no idea why, but he was wearing a blond wig and what appeared to be red lipstick.

I decided it would be better not to ask. There's probably no answer he could give me that wouldn't make me want to stick a knife in my eye.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?

Silence.

He didn't even look up. He just sat there, broken and crying.

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Vana'diel to Pathfinder. Over.

Silence.

It was obvious that I'd have to take more drastic measures.

i.e. I'd have to slap that bitch around.

GoblinSmithy>> Sorry, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> This hurts you more than it does me.

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder!
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder!

*SLAPSLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Snap out of it!

*SLAP*

GoblinSmithy>> Come on, man!
GoblinSmithy>> Wake up!

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> Smithy...
GoblinPathfinder>> Is that you?

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> HEY!
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm awake!

*SLAPSLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> STOP IT!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... You're awake.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't realize.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> At least you came back for me.

*SLAP*

GoblinPathfinder>> KNOCK IT OFF!
GoblinSmithy>> Just making sure.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't be too careful.

And then, before I could stop him, he started to tell me what had happened to him.

Apparently, his cellmate had gotten "friendly" shortly after I left and the past few days had been a hell of sexual abuse.

Note to self: put knife in eye.

Honestly, Pathfinder might be a pain in the ass (no pun intended), but even he didn't deserve that.

I picked the guy up and started to walk him down toward my cell.

GoblinSmithy>> Which one was your cellmate, by the way?

Pathfinder raised one shaking hand and pointed down the hall.

His cellmate was an Ochu.

For those of you not familiar with Ochus, imagine a giant green octopus with razor sharp fangs and really bad breath.

Ouch.

GoblinPathfinder>> This is a bad, bad place.

As I dropped him onto one of the bunks in my cell, he went quiet again, but for a second I could have sworn I heard him say one last thing...

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm so never watching Hentai again.

...

If you'll excuse me, I need to go stick a knife where my brain used to be.

Smithy Attempts To Get Arrested - Vol. 2

2006-09-18T20:44:00.000-02:30

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I've been trying to get arrested for two days straight.

I figured the easiest way to get arrested (given the fact that the drooling morons in Bastok are too retarded to arrest a murderer) was to go to the most up-tight, anal retentive city on the planet.

So, I'm in San d'Oria...

Rather than beat around the bush, I figured I might as well go for the gold. Subtlety does not seem to be one of my strong suits.

Why kill nameless citizens when you can go right for royalty?

I snuck into Chateau d'Oraguille and thought I was doing a damned good job being all stealthy when...

Halver>> Excuse me?
Halver>> Yes... You there.

Oh crap.

Halver>> What are you doing here?

Think fast, think fast, think fast.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm...

Think faster.

GoblinSmithy>> I'm... Prince Trion.

Bra-frickin'-vo.

Halver>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> I said I'm... an adventurer.

Here it comes. They caught me and now I have to fight my way out.

Halver>> Oh...
Halver>> Okay, then.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> That's it?
Halver>> Why?
Halver>> Is there something wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> I was expecting a little more suspicion.
Halver>> You say you're an adventurer.
Halver>> Good enough for me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously?
Halver>> Yeah, sure.
Halver>> Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Cool, I guess.
Halver>> Later.
GoblinSmithy>> Later.

This was going to be much easier than I thought.

Halver>> WAIT A SECOND!!!

Dammit. Why do I have to think things like that?

I dropped my hand to my sword. They might take me, but dammit some people are going to die doing it.

Halver>> Could you do me a favor?
GoblinSmithy>> A favor?
GoblinSmithy>> Sure.
Halver>> Prince Trion is a little lonely.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, hell no.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't swing that way.
Halver>> What?
Halver>> Oh... No, that's not what I meant.
Halver>> Prince Trion needs a woman.
GoblinSmithy>> And?
Halver>> Could you go out and find a woman for him?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Are you kidding?
Halver>> No.
Halver>> He's far too busy to go and find his own woman.
GoblinSmithy>> Busy doing what?
Halver>> Playing WoW.
Halver>> He's trying to get an epic mount.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sure any lady will jump at that.
Halver>> So, will you do it?
GoblinSmithy>> Will I get to meet the prince?
Halver>> Yeah, sure.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me an hour.
Halver>> Oh... Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> What now?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want me to pick up your dry cleaning?
Halver>> N0, no, no.
Halver>> We have Mithras who do that.
GoblinSmithy>> What then?
Halver>> Well... Trion is kind of picky.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
Halver>> The woman has to be a hume.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> how hard could it be to find a hume?
Halver>> A blond hume.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> A blond hume.
Halver>> With a ponytail.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> With a ponytail.
GoblinSmithy>> Got it.
Halver>> Named Stephanie.
GoblinSmithy>> What?!
Halver>> And born in November.
GoblinSmithy>> OH COME ON!
Halver>> And not too bitchy.
Halver>> I'm going to have to throw the bitch out in the morning.
Halver>> I don't want too much trouble.
GoblinSmithy>> Heaven forbid.
Halver>> Do you have all that?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> A blond yada yada yada.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm on it.
Halver>> Good.
Halver>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> No problem.
Halver>> Wait.
Halver>> One more thing.
GoblinSmithy>> What now?
GoblinSmithy>> Blue eyes?
GoblinSmithy>> Big tits?
GoblinSmithy>> What else do you want?
Halver>> ...
Halver>> Could you pick me up a sandwich?

Good news is that apparently you can get thrown in jail for killing Halver.

Let the prince go get his own chicks.

Smithy Attempts To Get Arrested - Vol. 1

2006-09-17T01:24:00.000-02:30

Okay, if there was ever a mission I was born for, it was this one.

I mean, I kill people on a regular basis. And occasionally on an irregular basis.

Sometimes a down right obscene basis.

Getting sent to jail should be a piece of cake.

Now, I didn't want too much trouble. I simply wanted to get arrested and thrown in jail. No messing around with due process or rights or anything.

I needed to find a bunch of people that were big and stupid.

So, I'm in Bastok...

I figure the easiest way for me to get sent to jail is to just kill somebody. Like my dad always used to say, go with your strengths.

Hmmm... Who can I kill?

Hey, look. A Taru named Shorty.

If that doesn't deserve a knife to the trachea, I don't know what does.

I quietly snuck behind the fountain. Then, I slid up behind a Galka NPC. He'll never see me coming.

Wait...

I'm trying to get caught.

Kind of takes all the fun out of homicide, but whatever. I just walk up and stab the guy in the face.

As soon as he hit the ground, the entire area went apeshit.

Perfect. I'll be in jail before lunch.

A Galka stepped up to me. He was clearly in shock.

Player1>> Holy shit!
Player1>> What happened?!
Player2>> I don't know.
Player2>> I think he's dead.
Player1>> Obviously, he's dead.
Player1>> He's laying in the middle of the street.
Player1>> I don't think that was in question.
Player3>> You did say "What happened?!"
Player3>> Technically, it suggests you don't know anything.
Player1>> Yeah, but we can assume I'd know he was dead.
Player1>> People don't just lie down in the street.
Player2>> I couldn't make that assumption.
Player3>> Honestly, I can see it going either way.
Player3>> Perhaps we should agree to disagree.
Player1>> I suppose we could do that.

I'm not exactly known for patience.

GoblinSmithy>> Doesn't anyone care how he died?
Player1>> Not really.
Player3>> I can't say I do.
Player2>> He's a Taru.
Player2>> Maybe someone sneezed on him.
Player3>> Maybe he equipped an Astral Ring.
Player1>> I still think him being dead can be accepted as a given.
Player3>> You made an assumption.
Player3>> As such, you have to accept that it may be false.
GoblinSmithy>> OH COME ON!
GoblinSmithy>> HE'S DEAD!
Player2>> Shhhh. We're talking.
Player2>> Now, I answered the question you asked.
Player2>> There was no spoken clarification.
Player1>> That's beside the point.

Dammit.

I wanted stupid people, not functionally retarded people.

It's not like I'm enjoying this.

Okay... I did kind of enjoy the stabbing.

Who doesn't?

Still, I don't exactly have all day, so I took matters into my own hands.

Except replace "took" with "put".

And "matters" with "my sword".

And "my own hands" with "the Galka's neck".

Now, I'll get to jail.

Player3>> What happened to him?!
Player2>> He's dead.
Player3>> Of course he's dead.
Player3>> He fell down.
Player2>> But you asked what happened.
Player3>> Actually, I asked what happened to him.
Player3>> That suggests I was asking about the cause.
Player3>> Not the result.
Player2>> Now, you're just playing semantics.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Doesn't anyone care how he died?!
Player3>> Oh, that...
Player3>> That happens all the time.
Player2>> Yeah.
Player2>> He probably forgot to breathe.
Player2>> He is a Galka, you know.
Player3>> Was.
Player2>> What?
Player3>> He was a Galka.
Player3>> Not is.
Player2>> The past tense is implied.
Player2>> We both know he's dead.
Player3>> I don't argue thatit's implied.
GoblinSmithy>> SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!!
Player2>> Woah, woah, woah.
Player3>> What's your problem?
GoblinSmithy>> Whoever talks next gets a knife in the eye.
Player3>> Whomever.
GoblinSmithy>> GRRRAAAAUGGHHHHHHHH!!!

By the time I was done, there was no one left to arrest me.

And because of this stupidity, Pathfinder has to spend another day in prison getting beaten and abused.

That's it, Smithy. Look on the bright side.

Mrs. Pathfinder

2006-09-16T00:05:00.000-02:30

Once I had escaped from prison, I needed to hide out.

Well... I assumed I needed to hide out. That's what they do in the movies. You break out and then you hide. Occasionally, there's some witty banter and maybe a car chase.

My plan was foolproof.

Unfortunately, finding a hiding spot proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

Apparently, killing scores of adventurers and beastmen on a near daily basis makes you stick out in a crowd.

I went to Jeuno and everyone started screaming.

San d'Oria, screaming.

Bastok, screaming.

Windurst... Well, the Tarus just kind of wet themselves. Still, it made it a little awkward.

I was trying to figure out my next move, when I heard the rumble of approaching footsteps. It was either the prison guards coming to get me, or a horde of Garrison NPCs bearing down on me.

Either way, I had to find a hiding spot and fast.

I glanced to the side and noticed a little cottage hidden amongst the trees, so I quickly ducked inside.

GoblinSmithy>> Damn, that was close.
MrsPathfinder>> Well, hello there.

What's this? Did I accidentally stumble into Pathfinder's house and run into his new wife?

No.

It was his mom, MrsPathfinder.

Yeah, imagine Pathfinder in an apron. That's about it.

MrsPathfinder>> How are you today, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> You know who I am?
MrsPathfinder>> Of course I do.
MrsPathfinder>> My son is always talking about you.
GoblinSmithy>> He is?
GoblinSmithy>> That's...
GoblinSmithy>> That's a little frightening, I gotta say.
MrsPathfinder>> Oh, he's always going on about you.
MrsPathfinder>> All the trouble you two get in.
GoblinSmithy>> He tells you everything?
GoblinSmithy>> How much of everything?
GoblinSmithy>> I really don't like leaving witnesses.
MrsPathfinder>> Haha.
MrsPathfinder>> Pathy was right. You are a kidder.
GoblinSmithy>> That's me.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm a regular comedian.
MrsPathfinder>> I've been meaning to thank you, by the way.
GoblinSmithy>> Thank me?
GoblinSmithy>> For what?
MrsPathfinder>> For watching out for my boy.
MrsPathfinder>> You may not know this, but he's not the smartest.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm shocked.
GoblinSmithy>> This is how I look when I'm surprised.
MrsPathfinder>> He's always been a special child.
GoblinSmithy>> You left out the "ed".
MrsPathfinder>> What did you say, sweetie?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Nothing.
MrsPathfinder>> I'm just glad he has someone like you.
MrsPathfinder>> Someone to look out for him.
GoblinSmithy>> He said I look out for him?
MrsPathfinder>> Of course.
MrsPathfinder>> You're his best friend.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit!
GoblinSmithy>> Now, I have to go and save him.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks alot.

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!

Now, I have to go back in there and get Pathfinder out.

Stupid old lady with the being nice and the guilt.

I may have to stab her yet. I'm undecided.

That'll have to wait, though, because I have to figure out a way to get sent back to jail.

Yeah, I'm really happy about where my life is right now.

I'M FREE!!!

2006-09-14T21:32:00.000-02:30

Free at last! Free at last! Thank Altana, free at last!

I have escaped!

Oh, man. I was starting to lose my mind in there.

The solitude.

The isolation.

The guys trying to have sex with you.

In retrospect, the solitude and isolation weren't that bad.

And then Pathfinder had to get thrown in here. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be stuck in an eight by ten cell with that moron?

I can still hear him singing Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.

And he never went down a number. Always Ninety-Nine.

For twenty-four hours straight.

Straight.

Straight.

I'm surprised I only killed him the one time.

How did I escape, you ask?

I don't care if you didn't actually ask it. It's my blog. Shut the hell up.

We were exercising in the yard and I noticed the guards were a little on edge.

All I needed was a distraction.

There was a group of Quadavs nearby and a few Orcs next to me.

Easy.

GoblinSmithy>> HEY! YOU!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU UGLY NINJA TURTLE WANNABE!

Then I just pointed at the Orcs and let nature take it's course.

As the riot ensued, I made my way toward the nearest gate. I was home free.

Except for one guard.

Dammit.

GoblinPathfinder>> What do we do now, Smitty?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean "we"?
GoblinSmithy>> "You" go over there and die.
GoblinPathfinder>> C'mon, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> I can help.
GoblinSmithy>> How can you...

An idea.

GoblinPathfinder>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> What are you DOING?!
GoblinPathfinder>> MR. BEEINGTON!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> NNUUUUUOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!

You know, fashioning a knife from a living bee is not as hard as you think.

Hello, one make shift Hornetneedle.

A few quick jabs and the guard was no longer an obstacle.

Well... we did have to step over his mutilated corpse.

GoblinSmithy>> There. I'm free.
GoblinPathfinder>> *sniffle*
GoblinPathfinder>> Thank you, Mr. Beeington.
GoblinPathfinder>> You gave your life so I could live.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... That reminds me.

*STAB*

I never get tired of killing that guy.

Life On The Inside

2006-09-14T00:20:00.000-02:30

Prison isn't an easy life.

The computers are dial up. We only get basic cable. And each cell has an Xbox.

Not even a 360.

It's like a third world country.

I was starting to give in to despair when a familiar face showed up.

It was Pathfinder.

Then I really gave up hope.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> You're alive!
GoblinSmithy>> Unfortunately, so are you.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I came to break you out.
GoblinSmithy>> How'd you sneak in here?
GoblinPathfinder>> I didn't sneak in.
GoblinPathfinder>> I got myself arrested.
GoblinSmithy>> I always knew stupidity was a crime.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> I robbed a bank like the guy on Prison Break.
GoblinSmithy>> And you got arrested?
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh huh.
GoblinSmithy>> Brilliant.
GoblinSmithy>> What's the next step in your plan?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure yet.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll have to wait until the next episode.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> The next episode?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah. I had to download the first episode.
GoblinPathfinder>> For the bank plan.
GoblinSmithy>> And...
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't worry.
GoblinPathfinder>> The second episode is downloading right now.
GoblinSmithy>> Downloading where exactly?
GoblinPathfinder>> My computer.
GoblinSmithy>> Your computer?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> Your computer at home?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll wait for you to figure out the problem.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Uh oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Come here.
GoblinSmithy>> I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.

I don't think Pathfinder will ever be the same after that.

At least, let's hope.

I'm Alive!

2006-09-12T15:54:00.000-02:30

Oh Altana! I didn't think I was going to make it.

I've been in solitary confinement since the last time I updated.

After I was transferred to Vana'diel's maximum security prison, I was not pleased with the conditions.

They only had... Oh Altana, it makes me sick to even think of it...

They only had dial up.

Savages.

I realize we were being incarcerated for murder, but that's no reason to treat us like animals.

Dial up... Ugh.

Anyway, I decided that the only way to rectify the situation was to express my displeasure and submit some constructive criticism.

Apparently, they don't consider stabbing a guard to death with a toothbrush to be "constructive".

The Man's always trying to keep a Smithy down.

And that's how I ended up in solitary.

For three days.

It wasn't actually that bad. I spend most of my days dealing with some of the most retarded people on our planet.

A few days of quiet isn't exactly a punishment.

Today, when they finally let me go back to my cell, one of the guards came and told me I had a visitor.

Huh... I didn't know who the hell would be visiting me.

Maybe Shaman was here to put me out of my misery.

I could see it now.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman!!
GoblinSmithy>> Are you going to Warp 2 me back to my HP?
GoblinShaman>> ... Sort of.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire IV on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ... You're a saint.

But, no.

I get to the visitation room and guess who's waiting for me.

My ex-wife.

I wonder what I'd have to do to go back to solitary.

ExMrsSmithy>> Hi, Honey.
GoblinSmithy>> Please don't call me that.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm getting nauseous.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh, is the food that bad?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> Looking at you makes it hard to keep it down, though.
ExMrsSmithy>> Don't be mean, Baby.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to visit you.
GoblinSmithy>> I figured that part out.
GoblinSmithy>> Why you came is the question.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know it must be lonely in here...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... no...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't even go there.
ExMrsSmithy>> I hate to think about you sad and alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Alone is good.
GoblinSmithy>> I like alone.
GoblinSmithy>> Smithy is all about the alone.
ExMrsSmithy>> You don't have to hide your pain from me.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Please stop talking.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're not listening.
ExMrsSmithy>> I came to be with you.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I heard you.
GoblinSmithy>> Actually, I'm thinking about what you said.
ExMrsSmithy>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping if I think about it hard enough...
GoblinSmithy>> The language center of my brain will die.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh Smithy...
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm not wearing anything under this coat.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, this has been fun.
GoblinSmithy>> If you'll excuse me, I need to go.
GoblinSmithy>> I think there are some large, angry men planning on sodomizing me.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how I am about appointments.
ExMrsSmithy>> How can you say no to this?
GoblinSmithy>> Easily.
GoblinSmithy>> Happily.
GoblinSmithy>> While weeping and showering until the image goes away.
GoblinSmithy>> How many answers did you need?
ExMrsSmithy>> You'll regret saying no.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt it.
ExMrsSmithy>> Fine.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm leaving.
GoblinSmithy>> Wow... I do actually feel better.
ExMrsSmithy>> My visit helped?
GoblinSmithy>> No...
GoblinSmithy>> You leaving helped.

She kind of stomped off in a huff after that.

Women.

As my guard led me back to my cell, he leaned over to ask me something.

Guard>> Are you okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Seeing my ex always upsets me.
Guard>> Anything I can do to help?
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe...
GoblinSmithy>> Could you beat me until the image of her is gone from my brain?

Honestly, I don't know what they're going to try and throw at me in here, but I'm not too worried.

I've seen the outside world.

I like it better in here.

Law And Order: Goblin Victims Unit

2006-09-08T23:54:00.000-02:30

What is it? FREAKIN' LAWYER WEEK?!

I just get this stupid ex-wife nonsense worked out and what happens?

I GET SUED.

And who sues me? Who has the audacity to sue me?

A DAMNED ADVENTURER!!!

There are no words for my rage.

Well... There are words.

Four letter words.

I'm at home last night, having a beer and watching the game, when these two huge cops busted down my door and dragged me out of my own house.

First, the started nightsticking me and hitting me with a taser. It was rough, but I managed to control myself. I'd seen worse.

Then, they put me in their car and turned on the radio.

Billy Talent.

I'm filing a complaint for police brutality.

So, because of this little (insert expletive here), I had to spend my entire morning in court.

Criminal court.

They cart me into the courtroom in a full body restraint and a mask.

Ironically, since I spend most of my days in a tight, metal subligar, this was actually quite comfortable.

Unfortunately, I've got a mad itch on the tip of my nose. The tip of my nose that I can't reach. My only option was to jerk my head around and hope it went away.

I'm wrapped in a body restraint and violently twitching.

Oh yeah... That'll totally help my case.

First came my court-appointed lawyer. He was an Elvaan. This was bad.

The average Elvaan IQ rivals that of your average cheese sandwich. My lawyer would have to study for five years to reach that level.

They told me he was free of charge.

I still think I overpaid.

That's okay, though. Maybe the other lawyer would be just as bad.

And that's when the door swung open and the prosecuting lawyer walked in.

Well... He wheelchaired in.

Yes... It was the Taru lawyer.

Oh lucky me.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing here?
Lawyer>> I heard you got arrested.
Lawyer>> I specifically asked for this case.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't feel that way about you.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me is flattered, but...
Lawyer>> SHUT UP!
Lawyer>> You're going down!
GoblinSmithy>> I told you. I don't swing that way.
GoblinSmithy>> Speaking of turning gay, how'd you like my ex-wife?
Lawyer>> ...
Lawyer>> I'd prefer not to talk about it.
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I see you're not screaming and curling up into a fetal position.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a good sign.
Lawyer>> You need to shut up RIGHT NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> Don't worry.
GoblinSmithy>> A little time will ease the memory.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, time and massive electroshock therapy.

Then the judge came in.

Just fantastic... A Galka...

Anyone who has ever said big is beautiful has obviously never seen a Galka.

And dumb?

Do you know why most Galka's are missing a few fingers? They always lose a few before someone teaches them which end of the sword to hold.

This is shaping up to be a fantastic day.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I call the victim to the stand.

Oh, this I've got to see. Suddenly, this brown-haired hume comes walking up the aisle.

Wait... I know that guy...

He attacked me yesterday. Stupid bastard ran up to me in Yhoator, hits me, and then calls for help.

And then no one tried to help him.

And then I helped him.

Helped him remodel his skeletal structure.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell?
GoblinSmithy>> That guy attacked me first.
Hume>> That's not true.
Hume>> He assaulted me.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a lie.
Judge>> Then how is it he's the one that died?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay... I totally assaulted him.
GoblinSmithy>> But he was asking for it.
Judge>> You mean he provoked you?
GoblinSmithy>> Quite literally, now that you mention it.
Judge>> How did he provoke you?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know. It was probably a macro.
GoblinSmithy>> How the hell am I supposed to know that?
Judge>> I mean, what did he do to piss you off?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> Well, he was rude and mean and generally unpleasant.
Judge>> Anything else?
GoblinSmithy>> He did hit me with an axe...
GoblinSmithy>> Does that count?
GoblinSmithy>> I think it counts.

Things actually started to turn around. I really started to believe I might get off with a warning.

Then, I remembered that nothing good ever happens to me.

Lawyer>> Your honor, I'd like to ask the victim something.
Judge>> I'll allow it.
Lawyer>> Thank you.

That's when he did something odd. He pulled out one of the little dolls the moogles handed out for an event a while back.

What the hell could he need a doll for?

Lawyer>> Could you please show the court where Smithy stabbed you?

Is it a bad sign when one of the jury members vomits?

I can't tell you where I stabbed him, but I can give you a hint.

Rectum? Darn near killed him.

Yeah.

So, right now, I find myself sitting quietly in a jail cell.

If I understand just how much life hates me, it'll only be a few minutes before Pathfinder shows up with a full body tattoo and tries to break me out.

I ask you, what kind of world is it where a Goblin can't horribly murder someone who's just asking for it?

Do you want your children growing up unstabbed?

Please, won't you think of the children?

When It Rains...

2006-09-07T15:43:00.000-02:30

So, I just got a letter from a lawyer.

Vana'diel has demons, golems, orcs, and goblins. But lawyers?

That's just wrong.

Anyway, it appears my ex-wife is taking me to the cleaners. She's going after my house, my... my...

Yeah, so all I had was my house.

I offered to give her my sword, instead, but apparently the manner in which I suggested giving it to her was not "acceptable".

Now, this creates a problem for me. I like having shelter from the elements.

Have you ever lived in a world where fire is a regular meteorological event?

Fire for Altana's sake.

you're just outside minding your own business, walking to the local Auction House when, all of a sudden, the sky turns to molten fire.

Player>> My this is a beautiful day.
Player>> Hmmm... Those clouds are a little dark, though.
Player>> Is that rain?
Player>> DEARLORDMYFLESHITBURNS!!!!

And ice weather, what the hell is that about?

Does this look like Canada?

Not just snow, mind you. Actual chunks of ice failing randomly from the sky.

That shit ain't natural.

You want to know what it's like to live in Vana'diel? I can teach you in a few easy steps.

First, go stand on a sandy beach. Hit something with a stick.

Congratulations. You just passed the Adventurer's test. If you did it without drooling you get bonus points.

Next, throw some water in your face. That's normal rain weather.

That's not so bad.

Now, set yourself on fire. That's not normal weather.

That's bad.

When you're terribly burned, have someone hit you with a block of ice.

Then have a level 30 run by with a ruby going "Did I miss it?"

Yeah, a house is kind of important.

Also, without a house, I find it much harder to hide from Pathfinder.

The weather thing sucks, but Pathfinder?

Something had to be done.

I started to look for a new house. Then, I realized I didn't need a new house.

I just needed to keep my own house.

Really, the only thing keeping me from my house was a lawyer.

I'd be doing the world a favor.

So, I find the guy's office and decide to "pay him a visit".

That's code for stab him a bunch.

I walk into his office and right away notice he wasn't there. I was just about to leave when...

Lawyer>> Can I help you?
GoblinSmithy>> Hello?
GoblinSmithy>> Is someone here?
Lawyer>> I'm right here behind my desk.
GoblinSmithy>> No you're not.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm looking at your desk.
Lawyer>> Look closer, idiot.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean look clos...

And there he was, standing right behind his desk.

A taru lawyer.

I knew it would be incredibly rude to laugh.

GoblinSmithy>> BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Lawyer>> Is something funny?
GoblinSmithy>> Are there any grown ups around?
Lawyer>> You're a jerk.
GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you being so short with me?
GoblinSmithy>> HAHAHAAA!!!
Lawyer>> Can I help you with something?
GoblinSmithy>> Not a high shelf, that's for sure.
Lawyer>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> Man, you've got a short temper.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm here about my house.
Lawyer>> Why?
Lawyer>> Did someone tow away your trailer?
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You sent me this letter.
GoblinSmithy>> Something about my ex-wife.
Lawyer>> Oh...
Lawyer>> Yeah, I'm taking everything you own.
GoblinSmithy>> You can't do that.
Lawyer>> I'm pretty sure I can.
Lawyer>> I can probably even take stuff you don't own.
Lawyer>> Hell, I can do anything I want.
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you doing this to me?
GoblinSmithy>> What did I do to you?
Lawyer>> Do you remember stabbing a young Taru Thief?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> No?
Lawyer>> You don't remember killing me?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> In my defense, you are very small.
Lawyer>> I vowed that you would pay.
GoblinSmithy>> But why my house?
Lawyer>> Oh, I'm making you pay with more than your house.
Lawyer>> I intend to hit you where it hurts the most.
GoblinSmithy>> The groin?
Lawyer>> ... No.
Lawyer>> I'm going to seduce your ex-wife.
Lawyer>> She will be mine.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... Are you kidding?
Lawyer>> You wish I was kidding.
Lawyer>> I will bed your wife and there's nothing you can do.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You know what?
GoblinSmithy>> Take the house.
GoblinSmithy>> This is worth it.

Well, I guess that problem is solved.

Going to be kind of hard for him to argue a case with a broken pelvis.

She'll do way more damage than I ever could.

I mean, I can stab the guy. I could even kill him.

But seeing her naked...

That leaves scars that just don't heal.

Inflation

2006-09-05T19:48:00.000-02:30

Ever since I started participating (read: dying horribly) in Garrison, I've wanted a Military Pick.

That is one sweet axe. It's got great damage and has +1 accuracy.

This would make a great weapon for my usual duty shifts in Yhoator.

Also, I really want to get one and shove it through the face of one of those damned Garrison NPCs.

A goblin needs goals, you know.

Anyway, these axes don't come cheap and, as it doesn't look like I'm going to be winning one in Garrison any time soon, I decided I'd just have to buy one.

I saved and saved and saved. I looted every adventurer's corpse. I sold everything I (read: Pathfinder) had.

Finally, after almost a month, I was able to save up enough to buy the axe.

I was practically giddy.

Clutching my wallet, I ran to the nearest Auction House to buy one.

I look through the Auction House listings...

What the hell?

The axe that cost 300,000 gil last week is now well over 400,000.

400,000.

Why would people suddenly start raising the price of an item until it's practically unbuyable?

I mean, I respect the cruelty required for such an act, but even I think that's cold.

Hmmm... Maybe it's time to educate a few people about economics.

I found the name of the guy who started jacking up the price in the first place. Then, I called a few Beastmen friends to keep an eye out for him.

It took a few hours, but one of my Goblin friends spotted him leveling in Yuhtunga.

Perfect.

I hopped on the first Airship and was off to Yuhtunga.

I stepped into the jungle quietly.

Shhhhhh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We're hunting fo' wetards.

There he was, a Hume warrior.

Doing that to your own people. That's just wrong.

I snuck up on him and his entire party. As soon as he went out to pull another Mandragora, I went to work.

The White Mage went first. Then, the Black Mage. After that, the rest fell in a few seconds.

Then, it was just me and him.

He ran back, an angry Mandy in tow, only to find his entire party dead.

The look on his face was priceless.

The Mandy was just about to kill him, when I waved him off. He didn't look too happy about it, but there's not much a walking flower can do to a Goblin with a sword.

Warrior>> Uhh...
Warrior>> Thanks...
GoblinSmithy>> Don't mention it.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you happen to sell a Military pick recently?
Warrior>> Yeah... A few days ago.
Warrior>> Why do you ask?
GoblinSmithy>> I was just wondering why you'd raise the price.
Warrior>> Well, there were none for sale at the time.
Warrior>> I knew someone would want it, so I put it up for more.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you really think it's fair to do that?
GoblinSmithy>> To just raise the price because people want it?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you?
Warrior>> If people want it bad enough, they'll pay for it.
GoblinSmithy>> True, true.
GoblinSmithy>> I just had one more question.
Warrior>> Sure.
Warrior>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> How much would you pay for your spine?
Warrior>> I don't know what you mean.

That's when I stabbed him.

And stabbed him.

And stabbed him.

Now, some of you probably think I stabbed him to death, but no.

The idea crossed my mind, but no.

GoblinSmithy>> Now...
GoblinSmithy>> What's it worth to you?
Warrior>> Guh...
Warrior>> What's what worth?
GoblinSmithy>> Your life.
GoblinSmithy>> What will you pay for me not to kill you?
Warrior>> You can't do that.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?

Stab, stab, stab.

GoblinSmithy>> Those holes in your chest would seem to disagree.
Goblinsmithy>> And I think the blood loss speaks for itself.
Warrior>> Okay, okay!
Warrior>> How much do you want?
GoblinSmithy>> 300,000 gil.
Warrior>> WHAT?!
Warrior>> 300,000 gil?!
GoblinSmithy>> Well I could just go back to stabbing...
Warrior>> NO! NO!
Warrior>> I'll pay!
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> It's 320,000 now.
Warrior>> That's ridiculous!
GoblinSmithy>> Well, it's the only life you have.
GoblinSmithy>> I figure you'd pay more.
GoblinSmithy>> If you really wanted it.
Warrior>> ...
Warrior>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops.
Goblinsmithy>> It's 340,000 now.
Warrior>> OH COME ON!!!

That went on for about another twenty minutes. Eventually, I got him up to 450,000 gil and he told me that was all he had.

I kindly took the money.

I then unkindly stabbed him in the neck.

In the end, I think he learned a valuable lesson. Something like "a penny saved is a penny earned".

Or "if you act like a prick and jack up prices for no reason, someone will find you and stab you in the neck".

That's a good lesson to learn.

Intervention

2006-09-04T12:51:00.000-02:30

Today was a hard day.

Aftering talking to Shaman a bit more, I realized he had a serious problem. His gil buying habit was getting worse by the second.

Something had to be done.

I quickly went to work and called every beastman I could think of. Gigas and Quadavs, Sahagins and Demons. I invited them all.

Sigh... I even invited Pathfinder.

At least that way Shaman could see what a wasted life looks like.

We all met up in Castle Oztroja and then I called Shaman and asked him to come over. He sounded funny when he answered the phone and I knew.

He'd been buying gil again.

If we didn't do something now, he'd be completely retarded within days.

When Shaman finally arrived, we jumped out and locked the door behind him. He spun around frantically, scared and panicking.

GoblinSmithy>> Shaman...
GoblinSmithy>> We need to talk to you.
GoblinShaman>> What's going on here?
GoblinShaman>> What are you doing?
OrcishSerjeant>> Don't be afraid.
SilverQuadav>> Let the healing begin.
GoblinShaman>> What the hell?!
GoblinShaman>> You're all insane!
GoblinSmithy>> We're here to help you, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> You have a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I do have a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I'm locked in a room full of lunatics!
SilverQuadav>> That's it.
SilverQuadav>> Let it all out.
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman... You're a gil buyer.
GoblinShaman>> Oh come on.
GoblinShaman>> I only bought a little.
BrookSahagin>> He's in denial.
GoblinShaman>> I'm not in denial.
BrookSahagin>> See?
GoblinSmithy>> Buying gil is wrong Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> It's wrong.
GoblinShaman>> Let me out of here.
GoblinShaman>> NOW!

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga III on GoblinSmithy.

I expected this. Luckily, I came prepared.

DemonKnight casts Stun on GoblinShaman.

GoblinSmithy>> That won't work here, Shaman.
GoblinSmithy>> Use your words.
GoblinShaman>> I only bought it once or twice.
GoblinSmithy>> That's always how it starts.
GoblinSmithy>> A million here, a million there.
GoblinSmithy>> Pretty soon, you need ten million just to get through the day.
GoblinShaman>> It's not a problem.
GoblinShaman>> I can stop any time I want to.
GoblinSmithy>> Then stop now.
GoblinSmithy>> For your sake.
GoblinShaman>> But look at this gear.
GoblinShaman>> Look at it!
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't want to have to do this...
GoblinSmithy>> Shaman...
GoblinSmithy>> You're turning into Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hi.
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Oh Altana...
GoblinShaman>> NUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GoblinSmithy>> No one wants to themselves that low.
GoblinSmithy>> Now the healing can begin.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> I hate both of you.

I'm glad to say that Shaman has given up buying gil. I even convinced him to let me get rid of all of his ill-gotten gear and give the money to charity.

On an unrelated note, do you like my new Sniper's Rings?

A Sneak Peek

2006-09-04T01:51:00.000-02:30

A few readers have been asking what the Fan Pack stories are like.

I really have no way of describing them, so I decided it would be fun to post one of the Fan Pack stories.

This story was in the very first blog fan pack from four months ago. A lot of people missed out on it, so I thought I'd post it tonight while I continue to work on my computer problem.

I will note though that this is a one time only thing. The fan pack stories are meant to be exclusive and I want to make sure fan club members have something special. I'm only posting this one because it's four months old.

And without further adieu, I give you the Smithy Chronicles - Volume 1.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Smithy Chronicles – Volume 1

Congratulations. By helping support my blog, you have enabled yourself to join my extremely exclusive fan club.

You so love me.

As a bonus, you have also received this special gift pack, my way of saying I appreciate the support.

Also, it’s my way of saying I appreciate your constant willingness to get stabbed by me. If it weren’t for you soft, pudgy flesh-bags, I wouldn’t have a job.

And that would mean spending time with my wife.

Seriously. Thank you.

Now, many of you are no doubt wondering how I got this job. Even if you don’t, I’m going to pretend that you do as it makes for an easy transition into the story.

I actually started out as an Adventurer.

I know, I know. A Goblin Adventurer?!

We like to adventure, too, you know. Damned racist.

Or specist.

Or shut the hell up.

Sweet Altana, how I loved Adventuring. Spending my days exploring the frozen tundra of Quifim, walking through the ruins of Garlaige Citadel, making my way through the hidden depths of the Crawler’s Nest.

Note to self: Why did I like it again?

Things weren’t exactly easy for me. Believe it or not, people had a hard time accepting a Goblin in their party.

I got less invites than a Dragoon.

I mean, damn.

So, like many, I took up crafting. Pretty soon, I was burning through the levels and finally decided to call myself Goblin Smithy.

Plus, it enabled me to actually make my own armor. This has come in extremely handy as nowadays people like to poke holes in it with pointy objects.

I do wish I had taken the time to learn how to make a subligar without a giant point at the front.

Believe me, I’m not that happy to see you.

Now, you’re probably thinking that months of crafting with very few party invites caused me to withdraw and become aggressive. That it was probably a long, slow process.

Not so much.

It was actually one party that pushed me over the edge.

Picture it. I was a fresh, young goblin trying to make his way as a Warrior. I had abandoned the White Mage sub of my youth and was studying the subtleties of the job class.

Plus, Berserk freakin’ rocked.

I was in your normal Yhoator Jungle party trying desperately to hot level 30, so I could unlock the advanced job quests.

I had dreams once of becoming a Paladin. Ironic, considering I spend most of my days pounding Paladins’ faces through the back of their helmets.

So, everything was going normal. We were getting good exp and I was almost there.

I could taste that new job.

Then the White Mage had to leave. He made some excuse about needing his insulin or something.

N00b.

Fortunately, or so we thought at the time, another White Mage was seeking in Kazham and we were able to pick up a replacement right away.

He showed up to camp and right away, I was a little worried about him.

I’m not sure if it was his demeanor. Or maybe the dull look in his eye.

Or maybe the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

GoblinSmithy>> Um…
GoblinSmithy>> Why aren’t you wearing pants?
WhiteMage>> I’m a white mage.
GoblinSmithy>> And pants are against the White Mage code or something?
GoblinSmithy>> The groin coverage would interfere with your ability to cure?
WhiteMage>> Pants aren’t a big deal.
WhiteMage>> I don’t need pants to do my job.
GoblinSmithy>> I doubt many people need pants to do their job.
GoblinSmithy>> But everyone should still have pants.
GoblinSmithy>> Pants are civilization.
WhiteMage>> Whatever, man.
WhiteMage>> You’re not a white mage.

Now, I could have kept going there, but I didn’t. I was too close to 30 to start a fight and mess this up now.

I decided to suffer the moron.

So, we start fighting and things are going okay. Not as good as before, but I was not really surprised.

Level 30 was getting closer, though, so I was content.

And then it happened.

WhiteMage>> Smithy, you idiot!
WhiteMage>> Stop provoking!
GoblinSmithy>> I’m the back up tank.
GoblinSmithy>> I need to provoke so the Ninja can get his shadows up.
WhiteMage>> I’m wasting mp trying to cure you.
GoblinSmithy>> No. You’re using your mp to cure me.
GoblinSmithy>> If you don’t, you’re going to waste mp trying to raise us all.
WhiteMage>> Listen, n00b. I know how this works.
WhiteMage>> I have a level 47 Dark Knight.
GoblinSmithy>> I’m sure that experience comes in handy as a White Mage!
WhiteMage>> Man, you’re stupid.
WhiteMage>> You don’t even know how to play.

Why is it always the worst person in the party that starts telling people they don’t know how to play?

They’re always the first person to start handing out criticism and laying blame for poor exp.

Funny, they’re usually (read: almost always) the reason, too.

Isn’t that weird?

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, I’m going to explain this very slowly.
GoblinSmithy>> Ninja use shadows, he no die.
GoblinSmithy>> He lose shadows, he die.
GoblinSmithy>> He die, we die.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you following so far?
WhiteMage>> Shut up, moron.
GoblinSmithy>> Good. You’re keeping up.
GoblinSmithy>> Though a “yes, continue please” will suffice.
WhiteMage>> Bite me.
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> We die is bad. Very, very bad.
GoblinSmithy>> We no want die.
WhiteMage>> Just shut the hell up.
GoblinSmithy>> I provoke, Ninja keep shadow, we no die.
GoblinSmithy>> We no die, YAY!
GoblinSmithy>> You no cure, me die, Ninja die, you die.
GoblinSmithy>> Though that last part doesn’t exactly bother me.
WhiteMage>> Damn, you’re such a n00b.
WhiteMage>> Just do your damned job.
GoblinSmithy>> Why don’t you try doing yours?

We grudgingly move on to the next mob. We’re tearing through that mandragora like there’s no tomorrow. The Ninja gets low on shadows, so I provoke.

I’m getting hit pretty hard when I notice that my health is dropping fast.

And the White Mage isn’t curing me.

GoblinSmithy>> What the hell are you doing?
WhiteMage>> Teaching you a lesson.

It was tough, but we made it through okay. There were a couple of close calls, but the Black Mage managed to keep us going.

And then he said it.

WhiteMage>> I hope you learned something.

The rest is a bit of a blur after that. I remember screaming and then beating the White Mage to death with his own shoes. Hours later, I woke up covered in blood and feeling better that ever before. And that’s when I made a new “friend”.

GoblinShaman>> Nice work. Want a job?

Fan Club Issues

2006-09-02T17:02:00.000-02:30

I seem to be having computer problems. I'm not sure what's going on, but I may have to delay the fan pack until tomorrow.

I'm going to try hitting the harddrive with my sword and see if that does the trick.

Sorry for the delay. Apparently, some things are beyond even my god-like powers.

I'll try and get them out tonight, but if the problem persists, I may have to move everything to another computer to finish it up. In that case, everything will be sent tomorrow.

Don't worry. It's coming.

A Terrible Discovery

2006-09-02T01:02:00.000-02:30

I'm going to be sick.

You think you know somebody. You spend so much time together, you get burned to death together...

You're supposed to be friends.

And then you learn something so terrible about that other person that it makes you change your outlook on them.

I didn't have that high an opinion of Shaman to begin with. I mean, he's gotten me killed more time than I can count and a few of those were at his own hand.

Really not ranking high in my list of people.

But something that happened today destroyed any respect I may actually have had for the guy.

I was having some fun crafting, when I get a tell from Shaman. Seems he was getting an exp party together and wanted me to join.

Now, I hadn't been exping in a while, with my new baby chocobo and all, so I decided to go along.

I run over to Yhoator Jungle to meet up with him, but when I get there, I notice something.

Something odd.

Shaman was decked out. His gear was top of the line and a lot of it looked brand new.

No blood or nothing.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Shaman.
GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> Man, where'd you get the nice new gear?
GoblinSmithy>> That shit is nice.
GoblinShaman>> Like that, do you?
GoblinShaman>> Yeah, I figured it was time to upgrade.
GoblinSmithy>> That stuff looks expensive.
GoblinShaman>> Not really.
GoblinShaman>> It was actually pretty cheap.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you kidding?
GoblinSmithy>> You've got a Morion Tathlum.
GoblinSmithy>> Two Morion Earrings.
GoblinSmithy>> And everything you have is +1.
GoblinSmithy>> That must have cost millions.
GoblinShaman>> It's not a big deal.
GoblinShaman>> I've been saving.
GoblinSmithy>> Saving what?
GoblinSmithy>> You don't do anything besides get me killed.
GoblinShaman>> I ran a bunch of BCNMs and made a lot of gil.
GoblinSmithy>> When?
GoblinShaman>> I don't know.
GoblinShaman>> Last week or something.
GoblinSmithy>> There's no way you made that much gil.
GoblinSmithy>> Where'd it come from?
GoblinSmithy>> Did you kidnap a Taru or something?
GoblinShaman>> ...
GoblinShaman>> Not exactly.
GoblinSmithy>> Well, it's gotta be something.
GoblinSmithy>> This just isn't making sense.
GoblinShaman>> FINE!
GoblinShaman>> I bought gil online.
GoblinShaman>> ARE YOU HAPPY?!
GoblinSmithy>> You... What?
GoblinSmithy>> You must be joking.
GoblinShaman>> No.
GoblinShaman>> It's not that big a deal.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh Altana. I think you touched me.
GoblinSmithy>> I need some boiling water and disinfectant.
GoblinShaman>> What are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Stupidity that big has to be contagious.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't want to catch stupid.
GoblinShaman>> Oh, shut up.
GoblinShaman>> Everyone does it.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't.
GoblinSmithy>> I make my money the old fashioned way...
GoblinSmithy>> Killing people.
GoblinShaman>> Would you calm down?
GoblinSmithy>> I mean, killing people is mean...
GoblinSmithy>> But that's just plain disgusting.
GoblinShaman>> Can we just get this party going, please?
GoblinSmithy>> I've got a better idea.
GoblinSmithy>> How about I point and laugh at you for being retarded?

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire III on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> So, is that a no then?

I still haven't talked to him since. I mean, what would cause someone to be so monumentally idiotic that they would spend real money to buy fake money?

I expected better from Shaman. Pathfinder, maybe, but definitely didn't expect this from Shaman.

Only adventurers are dumb enough to do something like this.

YOU BASTARDS!!!

2006-08-31T23:29:00.000-02:30

No. Not you.

I mean whoever came up with this stupid chocobo raising crap.

I didn't want to do it in the first place. What in the hell would I need my own chocobo for?

Then the idea started to grow on me.

I fall in love with this cute, little yellow ball of feathers and what happens?

He falls into a coma.

Is this some kind of sick joke they're playing on me? What kind of messed up bastards would do this to someone?

Yeah, I stab people in the groin on a regular basis.

But this is just plain sick.

We were having a fine morning. Everything was great. Junior was rolling around playing with Mr. Beeington.

Well... What was left of Mr. Beeington.

Then suddenly, he just fell asleep.

Right away, I became very concerned.

GoblinSmithy>> Great... A narcoleptic chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Why did I get the broke one?
GoblinSmithy>> Should I try to wake him up...
GoblinSmithy>> Or should I plug in the deepfrier?
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> HE'S ALIVE!!!
GoblinSmithy>> No lunch, but still...
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> He's trying to say something.
GoblinSmithy>> What is it, boy?
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> Please, speak to me.
GoblinSmithy>> What are you trying to say?
Chocobo>> Kw...
Chocobo>> Kw...

Then his tiny body, still lost in a deep sleep, took a gigantic breath. His entire body seemed to inflate with life for just one second before expelling it in one, important word.

Chocobo>> Kweh.
GoblinSmithy>> Kweh?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't speak chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Where can I find someone who speaks chocobo?
GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I knew it was a mistake when I said it.
GoblinPathfinder>> What's wrong?
GoblinSmithy>> Junior won't wake up.
GoblinSmithy>> He was just playing on the floor and...
GoblinPathfinder>> What was he playing with?
GoblinPathfinder>> What's that yellow and black striped thing?
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... That...
GoblinSmithy>> That was Aldo's sister.
GoblinPathfinder>> I love that movie.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> How do I wake him up?
GoblinPathfinder>> Have you tried gently jostling him?
GoblinSmithy>> Let's try that.

*gentle jostling*

GoblinPathfinder>> What the hell are you doing?!
GoblinSmithy>> You said to jostle him.
GoblinPathfinder>> JOSTLE.
GoblinPathfinder>> Not drop kick into a wall.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> My bad.
Chocobo>> Kw...
GoblinSmithy>> Look!
GoblinSmithy>> What's he saying?
Chocobo>> Kweh.
GoblinSmithy>> What is it?
GoblinSmithy>> What's he trying to say?
GoblinPathfinder>> He said...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah?
GoblinPathfinder>> He said "Don't eat me. I'm just napping."
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I wasn't going to eat him.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then why is your deepfrier plugged in?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Pathfinder. Want to play a game?
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you want to play?
GoblinSmithy>> How about "Stop, Drop, and Roll"?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know that game.
GoblinPathfinder>> How do you play?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... I walk over here.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> And then you try to catch a pot of hot grease.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait... What?

*SPLASH*

GoblinPathfinder>> GUUURRAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops.
GoblinSmithy>> You lost.
GoblinPathfinder>> MY SKIN IS MELTING!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> Really don't like this game!!!

I think he was getting the hang of it by the end.

It didn't wake Junior, but damn if it didn't cheer me up.

The Proud Papa

2006-08-29T23:16:00.000-02:30

Okay, I've been getting this one question over and over again all week. Here's your damned answer.

YES, I HAVE A FREAKIN' CHOCOBO!

I mean, you can't walk three feet in Vana'diel these days without tripping over a chocobo egg. I figured I'd give it a shot.

If everything works out, I'll have my very own chocobo to ride around on.

If not, I'll get a free lunch out of the deal.

Chocobo>> Kweh!
GoblinSmithy>> That's great.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, get in the frying pan.

But damn those little bastards are cute. I didn't think I'd actually like the thing, but now I'm following him around and playing with him.

Shut up. Do you know how stupid you'd feel if you got your ass kicked by a Goblin walking his baby chocobo?

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of walking my new baby through Yuhtunga Jungle. Next thing I know, Pathfinder is all over me.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty!
GoblinPathfinder>> You got a pet!
GoblinSmithy>> Uhh... Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's so cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's amazing.
GoblinPathfinder>> He's incredible.
GoblinPathfinder>> What is he?
GoblinSmithy>> Sigh...
GoblinSmithy>> He's a chocobo.
GoblinPathfinder>> What's his name?
GoblinSmithy>> I don't know.
GoblinSmithy>> Who gives a damn?
GoblinSmithy>> It's just a stupid pet.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to give him a name.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> I'll name him Stay.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... That's a funny name.
GoblinSmithy>> Wait until I try to call him.
GoblinSmithy>> "Come here, Stay! Stay! Come here!"
GoblinSmithy>> He'll have an aneurysm.
GoblinPathfinder>> You can't do that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Name him something nice.
GoblinSmithy>> How about Ravion?
GoblinPathfinder>> Better.
GoblinPathfinder>> How'd you come up with it?
GoblinSmithy>> Well, I found the egg on a corpse.
GoblinSmithy>> The corpse's name was Ravion.
GoblinSmithy>> Made sense to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't like that idea either.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not taking this seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> It would be hard to.
GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty...
GoblinSmithy>> Fine, fine.
GoblinSmithy>> How about Junior?
GoblinPathfinder>> Aww...
GoblinPathfinder>> That's cute.
GoblinPathfinder>> But why Junior?
GoblinSmithy>> Well, we think the same way.
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you mean?

That's when Junior attacked Pathfinder's face. He was screaming and squawking and flapping...

Junior was pretty excited, too.

I must admit, the little guy was really impressive. I mean, it doesn't take a lot to kill Pathfinder, but it was still amazing.

You haven't seen cute until you've seen your baby chocobo tear out someone's trachea.

Maybe I will keep him afterall.

Yes, I've Hit That

2006-08-27T22:42:00.000-02:30

I'm not sure what people's fascination is with Mithras.

I'm really not.

Sure, they're hot cat women with athletic bodies. That's cool.

But do you know what? There are hot women women with athletic bodies, too.

So, if you are more attracted to hot cat women than you are hot women women, then I guess it's really not the woman part that floats your boat.

Congratulations. You want to have sex with animals.

Your parents must be so proud.

But what question do I get more than any other?

I almost disqualified this question as being too strange, but given the number of times I get asked, I thought it might help to get it out of the way.

Hey, Smithy. Have you ever gotten it on with a hot Mithra?

What kind of question is that? They're cat women. That's disgusting.

I mean what kind of sick freak wants to have sex with a cat woman?

Put your hands down.

Not that far down.

The very idea of having sex with a cat woman is just so terribly, terribly wrong.

But, yeah... I've totally hit that.

I mean, who hasn't had sex with a Mithra. They're not exactly the most "chaste" of races.

In case you're not good with the english, that means they are totally easy.

Those girls get around more than AOL CDs.

There are two types of people in the world:

1) people who've had sex with Mithras

2) Galkas.

I remember my first time with a Mithra...

Even if I started to forget, I could just watch the video.

I was in Ordelle Caves. It was Spring and love was in the air.

Wait... Did I say love?

I meant horniness. Horniness was in the air.

And that's when I saw her. She was a cute, blond Mithra Thief. She was wearing a subligar.

And her eyes... Her eyes...

I have no idea what her eyes looked like because they were nowhere near her breasts or ass.

I immediately started to "aggro", if you catch my drift.

Wink, wink.

Yeah, I was totally getting hot.

I ran up and kissed her. Then she was kissing me.

Then she was pulling my armor off.

Then she...

We don't really need to get into the details.

We had just finished when she asked me to reach over and grab her clothes off the floor.

And that's when I heard those four little words:

Mithra>> Sneak attack! Viper Bite!

That girl broke my heart.

Also, my right kidney.

What had happened? Our love was so beautiful, so pure.

What could have made her do this?

Mithra>> A Treasure Chest key!
Mithra>> Finally!!!

Yeah... I probably should have mentioned that Mithras are also complete bitches.

Am I Not Merciful?

2006-08-26T16:02:00.000-02:30

Recently, someone sent me an e-mail asking if I have ever taken mercy on an adventurer.

I actually get asked this question a lot. I think people are just hoping there might be someway to avoid my wrath.

The truth is I have actually chosen to stop killing people before.

I know, I know. Smithy not killing someone?

But I had a good reason.

I'm not sure if you'd call it mercy.

There have been a few times where I've pitied someone so much that I stopped stabbing them.

And given my fondness for the stabbing arts, you can imagine how pitiful they'd have to be.

One morning, I was working in Sauromugue Champaign. This is actually one of the best spots to work because you hardly ever see anyone.

The only real drawback is the damned ugly Skinks. For those of you unfamiliar with the Skink, imagine crossing a very ugly ostrich with a very ugly lizard.

Yeah.

Anyway, I was on duty when this little Taru Summoner ran by me.

She was the definition of pitiful. Her gear was horribly underleveled and she had almost no +MP equipment.

As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she wasn't wearing pants.

Still, it is my job (read: pleasure) to educate (read: horribly murder) these silly, silly adventurers.

So, I run up behind her and start swinging my knife. I'm pulling out all of my best moves. I'm dodging and weaving, and my stabs were spot on.

I mean, if you're going to do something, do it right.

After a few swings, though, I noticed she wasn't really fighting back very much.

Actually... She wasn't fighting back at all.

She was just sitting there.

Crying.

GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you crying?
Taru>> ... No...
Taru>> *whimper*
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you crying?
Taru>> *sob*
Taru>> You're going to kill me.
GoblinSmithy>> True...
GoblinSmithy>> But is that really worth crying over?
GoblinSmithy>> You're a Taru.
GoblinSmithy>> It's not like you have a lot to live for.
Taru>> But I don't want to die.
Taru>> I'll lose my level.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> Shit happens.
Taru>> *uncontrollable crying*
GoblinSmithy>> Okay, stop that.
GoblinSmithy>> Stop it.
GoblinSmithy>> KNOCK IT OFF!!!
Taru>> I *sob* can't help it.
Taru>> You're being *sob* so mean to me.
GoblinSmithy>> That's kind of my job.
GoblinSmithy>> Aggro, kill people, be hated.
GoblinSmithy>> That's basically my job description.
Taru>> That's it?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... They did require experience in cruelty.
GoblinSmithy>> Luckily, I used to be a teacher.
Taru>> Oh...
Taru>> But you don't mind being mean to people?
GoblinSmithy>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> It lets me be creative.
Taru>> That's nice...
Taru>> I guess.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen... This isn't really a challenge.
GoblinSmithy>> And I'm getting kind of bored.
GoblinSmithy>> How about I just let you go?
Taru>> *sob*
Taru>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> You've kind of taken the fun out of it.
Taru>> Oh my goodness!
Taru>> THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> Just get going already.
Taru>> This is amazing.
Taru>> I'm going to tell everyone about how nice you are.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> What?
Taru>> No one is going to believe this.
Taru>> I'm going to tell everyone I know.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...

I really had no choice. I had to kill her.

Pity is all well and good, but I've got to think about my reputation.

I can't have people thinking I'm actually... nice.

Ugh... Just saying it makes me nauseous.

Wedded Bliss

2006-08-26T00:39:00.000-02:30

Pathfinder and Lamia started their new life together this morning.

By lunch time, I'm pretty sure they were headed for the divorce lawyers.

I didn't attend the wedding. As I'm sure most of you remember, I wasn't invited to the wedding.

That, of course, didn't mean I wasn't invited (read: didn't invite myself) to the reception.

The party seemed really nice.

Pathfinder's family was all crowded on one side of the room. His mom was hugging and kissing him, he dad shaking his hand.

Then there was the bride's family. She didn't really have anyone there. I think she had to invite her undead horde just to fill up some seats.

Kind of hard to have an extended family when your mom's a test tube and you're being created in a lab.

Or so I've heard.

Unfortunately, Lamia started to get very angry about being left out.

Damned emo snake girls.

But I couldn't let them ruin their wedding night.

I decided that this would be the perfect time to reveal my second true passion.

ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!!!

I managed to sneak up on stage with minimal effort (read: I groin stabbed dozens of people) and then grabbed a guitar.

The next twenty minutes were a blur. I remember people screaming. I remember one girl threw her panties up on stage.

Okay... It may have been a boomerang, but the thought is still there.

I was on the third verse of "Bad Medicine", when Lamia picked me up by the throat and threatened to insert that microphone into a non-sanctioned storage space (ie. my ass).

Just a little while later, they piled onto their very own chocobo and headed off to their honeymoon.

The rest of us kept on going, drinking and partying. Everything was going great until I got a call from Pathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> Smitty, Thank GOD!
GoblinSmithy>> What do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know what to do.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to help me.
GoblinSmithy>> Help you with what?
GoblinPathfinder>> She... She...
GoblinSmithy>> She hit you?
GoblinSmithy>> She left you?
GoblinSmithy>> She's really a he?
GoblinPathfinder>> No. Nothing like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> But she...
GoblinSmithy>> Just spit it out, boy!
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ... And?
GoblinPathfinder>> She touched me in my naughty place.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> You make me want to hurt people.
GoblinPathfinder>> She's not allowed to do that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I remember when they told us that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Noone is supposed to touch your naughty places.
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> That was a video for health class.
GoblinSmithy>> And we were seven!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You mean it's okay?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes, Pathfinder.
GoblinSmithy>> It's okay.
GoblinSmithy>> She'll be disappointed, but it's too late for that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh... Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> Can I ask you one more question?
GoblinSmithy>> I guess.
GoblinPathfinder>> We're on the groundfloor.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why does she keep asking me to go downstairs?

I guess we can't all be the perfect lover like myself.

Poor, poor Pathfinder.

Wait...

I mean poor, poor Lamia.

A Few Notes

2006-08-25T12:05:00.000-02:30

Three matters to deal with:

1) Lack of Update Yesterday

Sorry there was no update yesterday. Between work, trying to find me a lady, and some semblance of a life, I've been burning myself out lately. I've actually started going narcoleptic at my desk, randomly falling asleep while typing.

I needed to take a night off and get some sleep. I still don't think I've had enough, but I feel a hell of a lot better. Needed to recharge my batteries.

As for the days without updates, unfortunately shit happens. I can't control getting Firaga III'ed or the resulting skin grafts.

Some days I'm so tired/annoyed that I can't think of anything funny to write. I've tried writing on these days and the feedback hasn't been great. It feels too forced.

Hopefully, these absences will be rare, but they are going to happen.

I'd like to invite all of my readers to send me any fan work/art that they like. Should a day come when I can't update, I'll at least try and put up some fun fan work.

Anyway, on to subject number 2...

2) August Fan Week

That's right, folks. It's fan week time again, that special time of the month where we all come together to celebrate your favorite goblin.

I have a few theme ideas for the week, but I wanted to know if you readers had certain things you'd like to know/hear about.

If there is anything you'd like to know/hear about, feel free to post it in the comments section of this post and I'll work it in as best I can.

Now, there are good ways to do this and bad ways.

Good Way: GoblinSmithy, have you ever wanted to take mercy on an adventurer?

See, that's good. It offers some room for discussion and is not strange.

Bad Way: GoblinSmithy, can we see pictures of your feet?

See, that's bad. It offers room for discussion, but room that no one really wants to go into. You are scary. Please discontinue breathing at your earliest convenience.

This is your opportunity to voice your opinions and see more of what you like.

I will probably ignore many of these opinions, but that's only because I ignore most people.

On to subject 3...

3) Fan Club pack

As most of you already know, anyone who donates $5 or more during the month becomes part of the GoblinSmithy fan club. All fan club members receive a free gift pack at the end of the month that includes some fun pictures, exclusive stories, and whatever else I think to include.

To make the pack even more palatable, I'd like to hear your suggestions about what else to include. More stories? More Pathfinder stories? Just let me know.

Also, if you submit fan work/art, it can be included in the fan pack to be appreciated by other readers.

That's everything, folks. I'll be back later this evening with an actual update.

Thanks, But No Thanks

2006-08-24T00:41:00.000-02:30

You've often heard me complaining about how other monsters get all the attention.

Argus with that stupid charm. Lizzy with her damned boots.

Honestly, I really hated those bastards. They get all the attention, while I'm stuck in the jungle getting stabbed by morons. It was unfair.

I was angry.

I was outraged.

I was too stupid to keep my mouth shut.

Apparently, one day after work, I may or may not have made a few comments to a manager while drinking.

Drinking a lot.

That mistake would come back to bie me in the ass.

I was on my way to work in Shakrami when I get called to a manager's office.

Right away, I know something is wrong.

Manager>> Hello, Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> I know what this is about.
GoblinSmithy>> That jerk reported me for sexual harassment.
Manager>> No, no.
Manager>> That's not wh...
GoblinSmithy>> HE kissed ME.
GoblinSmithy>> I was drunk.
Manager>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> And there may have been some touching.
Manager>> Stop talking, please.
Manager>> We called you in to offer you a promotion.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn straight.
GoblinSmithy>> What's my new title?
Manager>> Well... You don't exactly get a new title.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh... Well, that sucks.
GoblinSmithy>> At least I'm getting a raise.
Manager>> Uhh...
Manager>> Not quite.
GoblinSmithy>> Then why am I here?
Manager>> You know how you've always said you wanted a good drop?
GoblinSmithy>> Sort of.
Manager>> We've decided to make you an NM.
GoblinSmithy>> Really?!
GoblinSmithy>> That's pretty cool.
GoblinSmithy>> What am I going to be dropping?
Manager>> This...
GoblinSmithy>> Why is it in such a large box?
Manager>> It is the box, silly.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you kidding me?!
GoblinSmithy>> That thing is bigger than me.
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, it's bigger than my ex-wife.
Manager>> It's a new piece of furniture.
GoblinSmithy>> You're freaking crazy.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not carrying that.
Manager>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> I'll give myself a hernia.
GoblinSmithy>> They wouldn't have to kill me for it.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll just give it to them.
Manager>> You can't do that, Smithy.
Manager>> You signed a contract.
Manager>> In blood.
GoblinSmithy>> Tsk, tsk, tsk. Silly, silly man.
GoblinSmithy>> That wasn't my signature.
GoblinSmithy>> That wasn't even my blood.
Manager>> You're going to drop the damned item.
Manager>> Do you understand me?
GoblinSmithy>> Fine...
GoblinSmithy>> Let me pick it up.
Manager>> See?
Manager>> It's not so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey. You're right.
GoblinSmithy>> By the way, do you enjoy irony?
Manager>> Of course I do.

And that's when I dropped the item.

On him.

It was so cute watching his little legs (or what was left of them) kicking and twitching.

Besides, Smithy doesn't need a fancy item to feel like a big man.

That's what the sword is for.

Where The Hell Is Everyone?

2006-08-23T00:57:00.000-02:30

What the hell happened?

I head off to work this morning and don't run into a single adventurer. This is strange, but not impossible.

Then, I finally make it to the jungle, and guess what.

Nobody there either.

What's going on? Where is everyone?

Did they shut off the game and forget to tell me or something?

I'm standing there scatching my head, trying to figure out what's going on, when a player runs right in front of me.

Aggro time, baby.

So, I start chasing him through the Jungle. I'm swinging my sword as I run and this boy is taking a beating.

But this bastard doesn't even turn around. He just keeps running.

How rude? The least he could do is humor me and pretend to be interested.

Eventually, we hit the zoneline and, even though I landed a really nice shot to the base of his spine, he survived.

Oh, well. It happens to the best of us.

I'm trudging back to my spawn point when another adventurer runs past me.

He doesn't even slow down. If I didn't know better, I'd assume I was invisible

Why the hell aren't people sticking around for their free throat stabbings?

By this time, I'm really pissed off. I haven't gotten to kill a single person today and the only adventurers I see are heading to the nearest zoneline.

Suddenly, my cell phone goes off. Seems they're having some trouble at headquarters and they had to recall me to help.

Money's money, so I book it over to headquarters. There's Goblins and Orcs and Quadavs everywhere. They're running around with box after box, and everyone looks stressed to the limit.

This must be big.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, man.
GoblinSmithy>> What's going on?
GoblinSmithy>> Are we finally going to war?
BronzeQuadav>> No, no, no.
BronzeQuadav>> We're moving boxes.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> And why exactly?
BronzeQuadav>> Apparently, they're running low on Chocobo eggs.
BronzeQuadav>> We've been recalled to help deliver them.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you freakin' kidding me?!
GoblinSmithy>> They expect me to deliver eggs?
GoblinSmithy>> Do I look like the freakin' Easter bunny?
BronzeQuadav>> It's not like you're doing anything else.
BronzeQuadav>> All of the adventurers are busy raising their own chocobos.
BronzeQuadav>> We might as well do some work, right?
GoblinSmithy>> That's retarded.
GoblinSmithy>> They realize you can rent chocobos in the major towns, don't they?
BronzeQuadav>> Yeah, but they all want their own.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
BronzeQuadav>> Look on the bright side.
BronzeQuadav>> At least they're not singing "Gotta catch'em all..."
GoblinSmithy>> This is ridiculous
GoblinSmithy>> This ain't Pimp My Chocobo.
GoblinSmithy>> Damned retarded adventurers.

So, I spend EIGHT HOURS moving box after box after box of Chocobo eggs.

EIGHT HOURS!

No maiming. No killing.

It was disgusting.

Still... I made the best of a bad situation.

First, I made myself an omelette.

Second, nothing says funny like lobbing a few Gobbie bombs in a box of eggs.

My favourite was the Taru who grabbed his egg and sat on it as a joke.

Last time we checked, he was just passing Saturn.

This had better not last long. I mean, I'm sure it's nice and relaxing for you guys to spend all day housebreaking your pet ostriches, but some of us have shit to do.

Your torso isn't going to stab itself, you know.

Please, for my sake, put down the stupid eggs and get back to partying.

Remember: a sword is a terrible thing to waste.

Awkward Silences

2006-08-22T00:40:00.000-02:30

Apparently, having a bachelor party on the weekend is a really good way to complete mess up your Monday.

Yeah.

See, it's kind of hard to work next to a person after you see them in bed with their pet bee. I don't care how much you had to drink, that shit is messed up.

I really don't feel like chatting with someone after that kind of mental trauma.

There's no way I could talk to him. I already knew how the conversation would go. I kept running it over and over in my head.

I'd try to be subtle, but it would fail.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nice day, isn't it?
GoblinSmithy>> YOU F*&%ED YOUR BEE!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU SICK BASTARD!

See? I totally tried there.

What more can you expect from me?

And before you start thinking how much fun that would be, try thinking of the big picture.

I might need to use that boy as a meat shield some day.

I decided that the only course of action would be to hide out for a few days. If I didn't see Pathfinder, it might all blow over.

Plus, I wouldn't have to put up with him for a few days. Bonus.

So, I went out of my way to hide from him. I found the most isolated cave in Yhoator Jungle. With any luck, he'd never find me.

Of course, with my luck, he found me in just under two minutes.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Did you have fun at the...
GoblinSmithy>> NOT LISTENING!!!
GoblinSmithy>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
GoblinPathfinder>> Why are you yelling?
GoblinSmithy>> I'M NOT YELLING!
GoblinSmithy>> YOU'RE WHISPERING!
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh...
GoblinPathfinder>> HEYA, SMITTY!
GoblinPathfinder>> DID YOU HAVE FUN AT THE...
GoblinSmithy>> Oh dammit.
GoblinSmithy>> Would you shut the hell up?
GoblinPathfinder>> WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING!
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not whis...
GoblinSmithy>> I have a headache.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm hoping it's a tumor.
GoblinPathfinder>> Gee...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'd better whisper, too, then.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh. Joy.
GoblinPathfinder>> What happened at the party after?
GoblinPathfinder>> I think I passed out.
GoblinSmithy>> I think you became a Queen bee.
GoblinPathfinder>> A what?
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing.
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't say anything.
GoblinSmithy>> You said something.
GoblinPathfinder>> I did?
GoblinSmithy>> Yes.
GoblinSmithy>> You said you had to go.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, I didn't.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... I think...
GoblinPathfinder>> Nope. Definitely didn't say it.
GoblinSmithy>> Maybe you forgot because you were in such a rush to go.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I don't have to go anywhere.
GoblinSmithy>> Then why did you say it?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm lost.

Perfect.

GoblinSmithy>> Nice seeing you.
GoblinSmithy>> You'd better get going.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Yeah... I guess...
GoblinPathfinder>> Wish I knew where I was rushing to.
GoblinSmithy>> No time for that.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's get you on the road.

Wow. Really didn't think that would work.

Well... At least I have a little less to worry about.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> Where's Pathfinder going in such a hurry?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Why are you talking to me?
GoblinShaman>> We're friends.
GoblinSmithy>> Not after what you tried at the party.
GoblinShaman>> Why?
GoblinShaman>> What did I do at the party?
GoblinSmithy>> Let's just say Firaga wasn't the only thing flaming that night.
GoblinSmithy>> Catch my drift?

Note to self: Next time you have a party, don't invite anyone from work.

Also, never have parties.

We don't like people.

Hangover

2006-08-19T23:53:00.000-02:30

Guh.

I don't exactly remember last night.

I remember yesterday evening very, very clearly. We were getting ready for Pathfinder's bachelor party.

All the boys were there. Shaman, a few Orcs, some Quadavs.

We even invited a couple of Yagudo.

And you don't want to see those guys drunk. They just keep crossing the road and laughing hysterically.

I also remember there was a great deal of alcohol involved. I'm not exactly sure how much, but it did take two airships to deliver it all.

So, we started drinking early. Very early.

I'm not going to say how much I drank, but those Quadavs started to look real good. They may or may not have been girls.

That's when my memory starts to go in and out.

At one point, I woke up in bed with two naked Mithras and a Taru chick in nothing but a Red Mage AF hat.

Now, the Mithras were nice, but that Taru, she was freaking amazing. She did this one thing... I won't explain it, but let's just say there was spinning involved.

Have you ever seen that trick where a bastketball player will spin a ball on his finger?

Think about that.

Yeah.

When I woke up this morning, I had a killer hangover.

Literally.

It hurt so bad, I killed a party of adventurers just for talking.

That's when I saw Pathfinder.

In bed.

With Mr. Beeington.

I have decided not to ask any questions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find that Taru girl.

An Offer I Couldn't Refuse

2006-08-18T23:10:00.000-02:30

I was still pretty pissed off at Pathfinder for asking me to be his flower boy. He must have known how mad I was because he was going out of his way to avoid me.

Every cloud doeshave a silver lining.

I was on duty in Yhoator Jungle and was just starting to enjoy his conspicuous absence when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

Hmm... Nothing there.

Wait... There it is again...

Looked like someone ducked behind that tree when I was turning.

GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.
GoblinSmithy>> You can come out now.
GoblinPathfinder>> There's nobody here.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yup. Positive.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nobody here but us trees.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I ask you a question, Pathfinder?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean... Who's Pathfinder?
GoblinSmithy>> Nice save.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinPathfinder>> I mean...
GoblinPathfinder>> Uhh...
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm a tree.
GoblinSmithy>> That's nice.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey! Look!
GoblinSmithy>> A PATH!
GoblinPathfinder>> WHERE?!
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted to ask you a favor?
GoblinSmithy>> Unless it involves a spontaneous tracheotomy...
GoblinSmithy>> Go jump up your own ass.
GoblinPathfinder>> That would hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> You're not as incredibly dumb as you look.
GoblinPathfinder>> Thanks.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> How about you get the hell away from me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Could you just listen for a second?
GoblinSmithy>> Okay.
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted to ask you...
GoblinSmithy>> Whoops!
GoblinSmithy>> Time's up!
GoblinSmithy>> This was fun. We should not do this more often.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I just wanted to ask you...
GoblinSmithy>> Not listening.
GoblinPathfinder>> To organize my bachelor party.
GoblinSmithy>> ...

My brain suddenly caught fire, set ablaze with images of drunk killing sprees and topless Mithra dancers.

We could find a fat taru, stuff his clothes with candy, and then beat him like a pinata.

WE COULD BURN YHOATOR TO THE GROUND!!!

There was just too many wonderful, beautiful things we could do. And it was all in my hands.

Muwahahahahaha!

GoblinPathfinder>> I guess you don't want to help.
GoblinPathfinder>> Maybe Shaman will want...
GoblinSmithy>> I'LL DO IT!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?!
GoblinPathfinder>> That's great.
GoblinSmithy>> I've got lots of ideas.
GoblinSmithy>> We may even survive some of them.
GoblinPathfinder>> No strippers though.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I had a bad experience with strippers once.
GoblinPathfinder>> I went to a club and... and...
GoblinPathfinder>> They just surrounded me, all over me...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah...
GoblinSmithy>> That sounds terrible.
GoblinPathfinder>> You don't understand.
GoblinPathfinder>> Those women were big and hairy and ugly.
GoblinPathfinder>> Damned Galka strippers.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Wait...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say Galka strippers?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Those ladies were all over me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Pathfinder...
GoblinSmithy>> I have to tell you something funny.

Seems poor Pathfinder didn't know that there are no Galka women.

Last time I checked, he was still washing himself in a lake.

Don't worry, though. I'll make it up to him with the greatest bachelor party of all time.

Hell... I may even invite him.

Smithy's A Star

2006-08-18T22:42:00.000-02:30

To make up for yesterday's lack of update, here are two fun Goblin-related videos people have made.

First, a tribute to me. Because I rule.

Video 1 - A Day In The Life Of A Goblin (by Laoiyah)

Second, the story of Pathfinder's first girlfriend.

Video 2 - The Taru And The Goblin (by Essorance)

Enjoy.

Technical Difficulties

2006-08-18T01:52:00.000-02:30

Okay... Nothing really technical.

I feel like crap tonight. I think I'm coming down with something.

Thus, no update tonight. Sorry, but a sick Goblin's got to do what a sick Goblin's got to do.

Ugh... Kill me.

Bling Bling

2006-08-16T17:47:00.000-02:30

I was looking at my gear this morning and, honestly, I was not happy with what I saw.

Everything was either chipped or broken.

It was embarassing.

That's when I decided that something had to be done. I needed some nice, new gear. Something that looked damn good.

Sure, stats are important, too. But let's keep our priorities straight.

I need to look nice for the ladies.

So, I headed over to the nearest Auction House and tried to figure out what gear I'd like to have at my level.

Those Gigas Bracelets looked nice.

Unfortunately, they were a little out of my price range. They were going for roughly 15, ooo gil which was just a little bit more than the two gil I had.

Wait... Three gil.

I started searching through my pockets for some cash (and looking around for a rich Adventurer in need of a good mugging), when Shaman walks up.

GoblinShaman>> Hey, Smithy.
GoblinShaman>> What are you up to?
GoblinSmithy>> Window shopping.
GoblinShaman>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> That's what you call it when you have no money.
GoblinShaman>> Oh.
GoblinShaman>> I wouldn't know anything about that.
GoblinShaman>> I'm a Black Mage.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinShaman>> Suck on it.
GoblinShaman>> What are you trying to buy anyway?
GoblinSmithy>> Gigas Bracelets.
GoblinShaman>> To match your socks?
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinShaman>> What?
GoblinShaman>> They're nice socks.
GoblinSmithy>> Shut up.
GoblinShaman>> You know, we could just go get you a pair.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinShaman>> They drop off Gigas.
GoblinShaman>> You know... When you kill them.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you suggesting we kill Gigas?
GoblinShaman>> I'm sorry.
GoblinShaman>> Does that bother you?
GoblinSmithy>> Hell, no.
GoblinSmithy>> I was looking for a new hobby anyway.

So, we headed off to Delkfutt's Tower.

Before we even entered the damned place, I did a quick search.

No rangers. Good.

We then spent the next few hours walking around killing Gigas. It was a little hard because I knew a lot of those guys from company picnics and stuff.

But like they say, you can't make an omelette without killing a few Gigas.

We'd walk up, say Hi, chat a bit, and then light them bitches up.

GoblinSmithy>> Heya, Fred.
GoblinSmithy>> How's the wife?
Fred>> She's good.
GoblinSmithy>> And the kids?
Fred>> Good.
Fred>> Stephanie is already killing people in Qufim.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh, that's nice.

GoblinShaman starts casting Fire III on Fred.

GoblinSmithy>> Say hi to your wife for me.

Damn, though. We couldn't get a damned drop to save a Gigas life.

Hours came and went, Gigas dying left and right. But no bracelets.

I'd have been upset if it wasn't so much fun.

Then, just when I was losing all hope...

You find a pair of Gigas Bracelets on the Epialtes.

GoblinSmithy>> WOOT!
GoblinSmithy>> FINALLY!
GoblinShaman>> So...
GoblinShaman>> Should we lot for them?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinSmithy>> They're mine.
GoblinShaman>> I was here, too, you know.
GoblinShaman>> I deserve them just as much as you do.
GoblinSmithy>> You can't even wear them.
GoblinSmithy>> You're a Black Mage.
GoblinShaman>> I could still sell them.
GoblinSmithy>> This is freakin' ridiculous.
GoblinSmithy>> Why should you get them?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me one reason.

GoblinShaman starts casting Warp II on GoblinSmithy.

GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> So, we'll just lot then?
GoblinShaman>> Umm...
GoblinShaman>> How about no?
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.

That bastard stole my bracelets.

Note to self: save up money, buy new weapon, ventilate Shaman's torso.

Damned Black Mages.

Going To The Chapel...

2006-08-16T01:07:00.000-02:30

Calm down, calm down. I'm not getting married.

Oh, hell no. I jumped on that grenade once already.

Never again.

No, it seems Pathfinder is going to make an honest woman... snake... snake-woman out of that Lamia.

It's just like my grandfather used to say: "If you have sex with some snake woman hybrid created in a lab by scientists, eventually, you're going to have to marry her."

I didn't think that saying made much sense, but damn if it doesn't fit the situation.

Today I was running a few errands through Rolanberry Fields when Pathfinder comes running up to me. He was huffing and puffing, and looked exhausted.

So, I took off running.

Unfortunately, I tripped over a Taru Red Mage and he managed to catch up with me.

Note to self: The Tarus must pay.

Anyway, Pathfinder managed to catch his breath (sadly) and I was forced to deal with him.

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Didn't you see me wave?
GoblinSmithy>> Did you wave?
GoblinSmithy>> Must have missed it.
GoblinPathfinder>> I yelled your name.
GoblinSmithy>> Didn't hear you.
GoblinPathfinder>> But you gave me the finger.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm getting married.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh. Okay then. How do you want to do this?
GoblinSmithy>> Do you want me to stab you?
GoblinSmithy>> Or do you just want to run onto the blade?
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't want to die.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure?
GoblinSmithy>> It's a lot faster.
GoblinSmithy>> And a lot less painful.
GoblinPathfinder>> It's not like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm really looking forward to marriage.
GoblinSmithy>> So young, so naive.
GoblinPathfinder>> Don't talk like that.
GoblinPathfinder>> Marriage is a sacred union.
GoblinSmithy>> Marriage is why there's a waiting period to buy a gun.
GoblinPathfinder>> Quit kidding around.
GoblinPathfinder>> I chased you down to ask you something.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh Altana...
GoblinSmithy>> Here we go.
GoblinPathfinder>> I wanted you to be part of the wedding.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen... I'm flattered. Really.
GoblinSmithy>> But I can't be your best man.
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Uhh...
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not what I was asking.
GoblinPathfinder>> Mr. Beeington is my best man.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh...
GoblinSmithy>> I can't be a groomsman, either.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> This is getting awkward.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's not what I meant either.
GoblinSmithy>> Usher?
GoblinPathfinder>> Not quite.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Priest?
GoblinPathfinder>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn.
GoblinSmithy>> What's left?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well...
GoblinPathfinder>> We need someone to drop flowers in the aisle.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Flower girl?
GoblinSmithy>> FLOWER GIRL?!
GoblinPathfinder>> No, no, no.
GoblinPathfinder>> You could be a Flower Boy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Or man.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's cool, right?
GoblinPathfinder>> Right?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to hurt me now, aren't you?

Well... at least he's learning.

I strangled him to death. He really left me no choice.

On the bright side, though, now they have their something blue.

Pathfinder Turns Over A New Leaf

2006-08-14T00:38:00.000-02:30

Subtitle: And Finds More Stupid.

Pathfinder called me early this morning and begged me to meet him in Yhoator Jungle. He said it was an emergency, a matter of life and death.

I hoped he meant his, hung up the phone, and went back to bed.

But he called me again.

And again.

And again.

I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed a notepad, and make a To Do list.

Things To Do Today:

1) Write Blog Update

2) Vacuum

3) Murder Pathfinder

4) Buy Orange Juice

Still, I couldn't have him calling me all day, so I figured I'd head on over to Yhoator.

Might as well get started on that list.

So, I arrive in the Jungle and immediately pull out my sword.

I am nothing if not efficient.

And there's Pathfinder standing there all by himself. I'm going to shove this sword right through his robe.

Wait...

Why is Pathfinder wearing a robe?

GoblinSmithy>> What are you doing?
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, thank goodness you're here, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> I need your help.
GoblinSmithy>> Finally going for the assisted suicide?
GoblinSmithy>> Good choice.
GoblinPathfinder>> No, Silly.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to level White Mage.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I need some practice.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me get this straight...
GoblinSmithy>> You want to practice on me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yes, Smitty. Yes, please.
GoblinSmithy>> I think I gave you brain damage or something.
GoblinSmithy>> I mean more so.
GoblinPathfinder>> This is important.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm trying to get the hang of it.
GoblinSmithy>> Hey, I'm going to let you practice on me.
GoblinSmithy>> Even though you're an idiot.
GoblinSmithy>> And you have no idea what you're doing.
GoblinSmithy>> That's a great idea!
GoblinPathfinder>> YAY!
GoblinPathfinder>> I knew you'd help me.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> As you apparently don't understand sarcasm...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm going to walk away now.
GoblinPathfinder>> You can't go yet.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh right.
GoblinSmithy>> I forgot to murder you.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks for reminding me.
GoblinPathfinder>> Please, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> Pretty pwease?
GoblinSmithy>> Give me one good reason why I should help you.
GoblinPathfinder>> White Mages don't get pets.
GoblinSmithy>> No Mr. Beeington?
GoblinPathfinder>> No Mr. Beeington.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's get to work, shall we?

We sat down and worked out a plan. I'd run into the middle of a party and start to murder them.

I liked this part of the plan.

As they did damage, Pathfinder would use his new White Magey powers to heal me.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

And since we were only fighting one party at a time, I should be pretty safe.

It sounded like the perfect plan.

This, of course, meant something had to go horribly wrong.

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, I'm heading in.
GoblinSmithy>> Be ready with those cures.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh, don't you worry.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm ready.
GoblinSmithy>> Here we go.

I rush in and start going to work. Things are going exactly as planned. They're dying and I'm taking just enough damage for Pathfinder to practice his cures.

GoblinSmithy>> Whenever you're ready.
GoblinPathfinder>> On it.

GoblinPathfinder Uses Benediction.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh.
GoblinSmithy>> Crap.

I will give Pathfinder credit. He completely healed all of my current damage.

All 37 HP.

Good job.

Unfortunately, this victory was somewhat spoiled when every adventurer and monster in the area decided to come over and kick our asses.

As we lay there, my broken corpse still warm from the savage beating, I suggested that Pathfinder take up the Thief job.

Cause that bastard is going to need Flee when I respawn.

They All Come Crawling Back

2006-08-12T23:56:00.000-02:30

I knew it. I just knew it.

No one can resist the Smithy charm.

I'm sure you all remember my ex-wife or, as I like to call her, "the face that beauty forgot".

You may also remember that the tramp left me for a Gigas.

Not the greatest day.

Well, everything changed yesterday. She came crawling and crying, begging me to take her back.

JACKPOT!

There is nothing as satisfying as seeing a woman who dumped you crying all over herself and begging for forgiveness.

Even stabbing Tarus doesn't feel that good and damn if I don't like knifing those midget bastards.

There I was in Yhoator Jungle, when she came up behind me.

ExMrsSmithy>> Guess who.
GoblinSmithy>> By the smell...
GoblinSmithy>> I'd guess a dead Marlboro.
ExMrsSmithy>> It's me, Silly. Your wife.
ExMrsSmithy>> I'm back.
GoblinSmithy>> Are you sure it isn't a dead Marlboro?
GoblinSmithy>> I would so prefer that.
ExMrsSmithy>> You're still angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Me? Angry?
GoblinSmithy>> Why would I be angry?
ExMrsSmithy>> Well, because I left you for a Gigas.
ExMrsSmithy>> Because had a larger penis than you.
ExMrsSmithy>> Oh! Don't forget that I stabbed you, too.
GoblinSmithy>> Do you know what a rhetorical question is?
ExMrsSmithy>> No.
ExMrsSmithy>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Nevermind.
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell do you want?
ExMrsSmithy>> I want you to take me back.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm sorry. We're all out of forgiveness today.
GoblinSmithy>> Can I interest you in some go to hell?
ExMrsSmithy>> Honey...
GoblinSmithy>> It comes with your choice of kiss my ass.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please.
ExMrsSmithy>> I need you.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> You need a good plastic surgeon.
ExMrsSmithy>> I was thinking of getting some work done.
GoblinSmithy>> I don't think "a little work" will help.
GoblinSmithy>> You need to tear that down and start over.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please, Smithy.
ExMrsSmithy>> Take me back.
ExMrsSmithy>> I love you.
GoblinSmithy>> That's funny.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you said you loved me.
GoblinSmithy>> And not you left me for a giant pile of ugly.
ExMrsSmithy>> It was a mistake.
ExMrsSmithy>> A big, big mistake.
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah, but I think he learned his lesson.
ExMrsSmithy>> Come on.
ExMrsSmithy>> You know you want to take me back.
GoblinSmithy>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me wants to vomit at the thought.
GoblinSmithy>> Another part is wondering why I haven't stabbed you.
GoblinSmithy>> Part of me is hungry.
ExMrsSmithy>> I know what you're hungry for.
ExMrsSmithy>> Wink, wink.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay, now all the parts want to throw up.
ExMrsSmithy>> Just one last time.
ExMrsSmithy>> Please...

How pathetic. Showing up and begging me to sleep with her.

I was so disgusted I could barely do it.

Five times.

When I woke up, I just kept staring at her.

Staring at her lying next to me.

You know... Cutting off your own arm isn't as bad as it sounds.

Walked A Mile In His Shoes

2006-08-11T00:30:00.000-02:30

After yesterday, I realized what it's like to be Pathfinder.

The low IQ.

The random thoughts.

The strange fixation with paths.

I decided that I'd given him a pretty hard time that maybe he didn't deserve.

Now, I'm thinking I was either drunk or stoned, but at the time it made sense.

So, I called Pathfinder up and asked him to meet me.

He seemed a little suspicious when I was talking to him, but he was waiting in Yuhtunga when I arrived.

GoblinSmithy>> Hey, Pathfi...
GoblinPathfinder>> Stay right there!
GoblinSmithy>> What the hell?
GoblinPathfinder>> Keep your hands where I can see them.
GoblinSmithy>> What's wrong with you?
GoblinSmithy>> Were you dropped on your head as a child?
GoblinPathfinder>> ... Yes, actually.
GoblinPathfinder>> But show me your hands anyway.
GoblinSmithy>> Why?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're going to stab me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I know it.
GoblinPathfinder>> But I'm on to your little plan.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not going to stab you.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's exactly what you'd say...
GoblinPathfinder>> If you were going to stab me.
GoblinSmithy>> Or if I wasn't going to stab you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Or if you were.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh lord.
GoblinSmithy>> You're even more retarded than usual.
GoblinPathfinder>> More retarded than usual like a fox.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Listen very, very carefully.
GoblinSmithy>> I'M NOT GOING TO STAB YOU!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't believe you.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinPathfinder>> Well... everything up until this second.
GoblinSmithy>> ... Yeah.
GoblinSmithy>> I can understand that.
GoblinSmithy>> But I'm being honest.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know...
GoblinPathfinder>> What do you want anyway?
GoblinSmithy>> I want to apologize for treating you so bad.
GoblinSmithy>> You didn't deserve it.
GoblinPathfinder>> I didn't?
GoblinSmithy>> Trust me.
GoblinSmithy>> No one was more surprised than me.
GoblinPathfinder>> So, you're actually saying you're sorry?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay, what's going on?
GoblinPathfinder>> Is this a trick?
GoblinSmithy>> For the last time, NO.
GoblinSmithy>> It's not a trick.
GoblinSmithy>> Not.
GoblinSmithy>> Not a trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's what you'd say if it was a trick.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> It is a trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait...
GoblinPathfinder>> Does that mean it's a trick or not?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm lost.
GoblinSmithy>> It.
GoblinSmithy>> Is.
GoblinSmithy>> Not.
GoblinSmithy>> A.
GoblinSmithy>> Trick.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's what you'd say if it was...

I stabbed him. I didn't even know I was going to do it, but I stabbed him.

And it felt good.

I really had the best of intentions. I really, really did.

But I could only take so much.

Maybe it'll go smoother next time.

GoblinPathfinder>> I KNEW IT!

Or maybe I'll just skip the apology and go right to the stabbing.

Damn, I hate Pathfinder.

The Worst Day Of My Life

2006-08-10T00:11:00.000-02:30

I thought that getting set on fire was bad enough.

I really did.

But actually having to live as Pathfinder... That shit is brutal.

It was like being very, very, very drunk. Minus the added courage and women being more attractive.

Basically, it was like having a lobotomy.

I had no idea what to do. I had a serious urge to stroke my bee.

And that's not a euphemism.

Having no other solution, I did the only thing I could.

I called Shaman.

It only took him about twenty minutes to meet me in Yhoator, but it felt like weeks. I just kept pacing back and forth, twitching, and trying not to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

I was lsoing it by the time he finally showed up.

GoblinShaman>> Hi, Pathfinder.
GoblinPathfinder>> In the jungle, the mighty jungle...
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!
GoblinShaman>> ... Okay then.
GoblinShaman>> Have you seen Smithy?
GoblinPathfinder>> It's me, Shaman.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm stuck in here.
GoblinShaman>> Smithy?
GoblinShaman>> Is that you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Sadly, yes.
GoblinShaman>> Could you give me a second?

Five minutes later, he was still laughing.

GoblinPathfinder>> Can we move on?
GoblinShaman>> This is literally the greatest day ever.
GoblinShaman>> I'm going to die.
GoblinPathfinder>> Could you?
GoblinPathfinder>> That'd be super.
GoblinShaman>> That's you all right, Smithy.
GoblinPathfinder>> Are you sure you believe me?
GoblinPathfinder>> I could stab you a few times to help.
GoblinShaman>> No. I'm good.
GoblinPathfinder>> Hey! Look!
GoblinPathfinder>> A path!
GoblinPathfinder>> DAMMIT!!!
GoblinShaman>> I've never been this happy before.
GoblinPathfinder>> You have to fix this.
GoblinShaman>> How?
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know.
GoblinPathfinder>> Do an exorcism or something.
GoblinShaman>> I don't think that will work.
GoblinPathfinder>> WELL DO SOMETHING!
GoblinPathfinder>> ANYTHING!
GoblinShaman>> Okay...
GoblinShaman>> I have one idea.
GoblinShaman>> It might hurt a bit.
GoblinPathfinder>> Of course it will.
GoblinPathfinder>> It'll be worth it.

GoblinShaman starts casting Firaga III on GoblinPathfinder.

GoblinPathfinder>> NUUUUOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> You'll hurt Mr. Beeington.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah...
GoblinPathfinder>> Just freakin' kill me.

I never actually thought Firaga III would feel nice.

I was right.

Luckily, when I respawned, my name was back to normal. Everything was back the way it was supposed to be.

I was me again.

GoblinSmithy>> In the jungle...
GoblinSmithy>> DAMMIT!!!

This Means War

2006-08-08T22:38:00.000-02:30

So, I had just gotten my ass kicked by a GM.

Seriously. What the F#%&?!

I was just doing my damned job and then this bastard has to get up in my grill about it.

This son of a bitch had to pay.

Even your silly GMs are not above the judgment of Smithy.

I get ready to head over to Yhoator Jungle, when my supervisor walks up ot me. I could tell by the look on his face that this was not good news.

Well... I assumed it wasn't good news. My supervisor is a Golem and those guys always looked messed up.

Supervisor>> ...Uhh...
Supervisor>> Hey, Smithy.
Supervisor>> We need to talk.
GoblinSmithy>> What's up?
GoblinSmithy>> Did Pathfinder file a complaint?
GoblinSmithy>> I swear I didn't put that bomb in his locker.
Supervisor>> What bomb?
GoblinSmithy>> Who said bomb?
GoblinSmithy>> I didn't say bomb.
Supervisor>> Yeah...
Supervisor>> I can't let you go to work today.
GoblinSmithy>> Why not?
GoblinSmithy>> Am I getting promoted?
Supervisor>> Not exactly.
Supervisor>> It seems you've been banned.
GoblinSmithy>> WHAT?!
Supervisor>> I know, I know.
Supervisor>> But rules are rules.
GoblinSmithy>> This is a mistake.
Supervisor>> Probably, but you need to talk to the GM about it.
Supervisor>> He can remove the ban.
GoblinSmithy>> Fine.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll "talk" to him.
Supervisor>> Smithy...
Supervisor>> You know I can see you, right?
GoblinSmithy>> Yeah.
Supervisor>> You just did air quotes when you said talked.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be going now.

So, I place a GM call to this [GM]Dave guy and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I bet Argus doesn't have to wait.

About two hours later, he finally gets back to me.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Goblin.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, I've already banned you.
[GM]Dave>> I fail to see what else I can do for you.
GoblinSmithy>> You can unban me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Can you wait a second?
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm having a stroke.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you just asked me to unban you.
GoblinSmithy>> I did.
GoblinSmithy>> Unban me.
GoblinSmithy>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think you understand how this works.
[GM]Dave>> I ban you. You go away.
[GM]Dave>> This is not hard to follow.
GoblinSmithy>> Listen...
GoblinSmithy>> I can't go back to work until you unban me.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to unemployment.
GoblinSmithy>> That's not funny.
GoblinSmithy>> I have children to support.
[GM]Dave>> You have children?
GoblinSmithy>> Did I say children?
GoblinSmithy>> I meant hookers.
[GM]Dave>> And yet...
[GM]Dave>> I am unmoved.
GoblinSmithy>> Can't we find an alternative punishment?
GoblinSmithy>> Something less... oh, I don't know... banny?
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> Well... you do kill idiots...
[GM]Dave>> I have to respect that.
GoblinSmithy>> I thought you might.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I think I can come up with another punishment.
GoblinSmithy>> Sweet.
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't thank me yet.
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean by that?

He didn't answer me after that.

But at least I wasn't banned anymore.

I logged in, expecting to see Mordion Gaol or Ifrit's Cauldron or something equally terrible.

But I was in Yhoator Jungle.

Huh...

Oh shit. I bet there's a dragon right behind me. I spin around and...

No dragon.

Just a bee.

That's it? Death by bee?

I'm disappointed.

But... the bee isn't attacking me.

He's following me.

Uh oh.

That's when I look up and see my name.

GOBLIN PATHFINDER.

I would have preferred the banning.

OH! A PATH!

If you'll excuse me, I need to go murder myself.

Back To My Roots

2006-08-06T22:06:00.000-02:30

This morning, when I was getting ready to head over to Shakrami, one of my supervisors came over to me and asked me to fill in for someone.

I said sure and then asked who I'd be replacing.

A high level Hobgoblin?

A mission NM maybe?

The Shadow Lord?

Not quite. Apparently, a Goblin Fisher had called in sick and they needed someone to cover.

Not exactly a promotion, but I was still happy.

As many of you know, I started out as a Goblin Fisher in my earlier days. I spent day after day relaxing beside shimmering pools with my fishing rod in my hand.

It was a good life. Had things not turned out the way they did, I'd probably still be there.

So, I head over to West Ronfaure, make my way to a tiny pond, and start fishing.

Damn, I missed this.

Everything was going perfectly. There were no adventurers around to bother me and I was catching a load of fish.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice an Orcish Grappler.

And he's staring at me.

OrcishGrappler>> How's the fishing?

Okay, the last thing I need is to talk to some retarded orc.

I currently have neither:

a) the patience to deal with orc stupidity

b) a high enough level to grind him into a fine paste.

Seriously. Talking to an Orc is like slamming your head into a wall repeatedly.

Only less painful.

Here's a diagram of your average Orc.

So, to save myself the inevitable headache, I decided to ignore him.

OrcishGrappler>> Hello?
OrcishGrappler>> Are you there?

Just ignore him, Smithy.

Tomorrow, when you're level 30 again, you can come back and pull his spine out through his face.

For now, just ignore him.

OrcishGrappler>> Why won't you answer me?

Oh, great.

Now, he's annoying and whiny.

Just let it go, Smithy. He's not worth the trouble.

OrcishGrappler>> I knew it.
OrcishGrappler>> You're a fish botter.
OrcishGrappler>> People like you ruin the economy.

So, let me get this straight.

He knows that I'm a fish botter.

Just because I won't talk to him.

Apparently, not liking annoying morons plus fishing somehow equals fish botting.

But not only that. He knows I'm a fish botter, yet still proceeds to talk to me about being a fish botter.

That's even retarded for an orc.

OrcishGrappler>> I'm calling a GM.

I must have laughed for fiteen minutes at that one.

Imagine, getting a GM called on me because I'm ignoring an idiot.

As if anything was going to happen.

Then, about a half hour later, I'm reeling in this HUGE fish. I swear to Altana, I thought I had hooked a Goobue or something.

Then everything went dark.

When I opened my eyes, I was standing in the middle of Mordion Gaol.

And I'm staring face to face with a big, purple dragon.

GoblinSmithy>> Oh
GoblinSmithy>> Day
GoblinSmithy>> Yam

Jormungand hits GoblinSmithy for 14,006 points of damage.
GoblinSmithy was defeated by Jormungand.

Now, what the hell was this crap?

Seriously. What kind of bastard would do something that freaking insane?

[GM]Dave>> Damned botters.

Beastmen Drama

2006-08-05T22:55:00.000-02:30

Oh.

Dear.

Altana.

The Beastmen forces are on the virge of civil war. It will be Orc versus Yagudo, Sahagin versus Tonberry.

I hope the Goblins draw an easy opponent in the first round.

With my luck, we'll have to take on Demons or something.

Or the Gigas.

It all started yesterday. A bunch of us Goblins were preparing to take on Simurgh when, out of nowhere, a bunch of Quadavs showed up.

Right away, they started with the attitude. Something about Rolanberry Fields being their turf.

I had to remind them that we live there, too.

We went back and forth for a while, but slowly we came to a compromise. We told them that we were there first and they agreed to let us have claim, but if we wiped, they'd take it.

Honestly, we were a little surprised to see they were so understanding.

Then as soon as Simurgh pops, the Quadavs grab the claim and go to work on him.

Damned botters.

Now, we're absolutely pissed at this point, but we let it go and hope for them to wipe.

Suddenly, a group of Sahagins show up and try to steal Simurgh. They start pulling adventurers into the middle of their group, so the adventurers will kill them.

We watch this disgusting display of PMK (Player Monster Killing) and do the only noble thing.

We start spamming our claim macros just in case they wipe.

Claim starts jumping around. With all of the Beastmen spamming provoke and the Adventurers getting in the way, Simurgh was constantly going unclaimed.

So, it's a complete free for all. I just finish gutting a Quadav when I notice Simurgh only has a sliver of life left.

And he's unclaimed.

I try to hit my provoke macro, but before I can, some idiot Orc Farkiller sitting off to the side uses Eagle Eye Shot and kills Simurgh.

That was the last freaking straw. Everyone starts screaming about stealing, and PMKing, and the damned botters.

And the Orc Farkiller? I'm pretty sure half the Beastmen will have him blacklisted by morning.

Since then, it's been a constant battle between the beastmen forces. Every area has become a total warzone.

Apparently, "someone" set Davoi on fire. I have no idea who could have done such a thing.

It wasn't me.

Stop looking at me like that.

Anyway, I'm going to be keeping a low profile for the next couple of days. The last thing I need is to get my ass kicked by a bunch of monsters.

I get enough of that from the Adventurers.

Damned drama.

I am so going to make a post on Alla about this.

Manaburn RMTards

2006-08-03T18:37:00.000-02:30

Okay, what the hell is wrong with these people?

Every now and then a horde of low level tarus run through the jungle and start casting black magic on anything they can find.

I mean what the hell?!

It's seriously depressing.

So, I'm on my usual shift in Yhoator Jungle and had just finished butchering a nice, normal party.

Then, off to the side, I see this ocean of tiny, pointed Taru heads surrounding a poor Mandragora. They were all casting Waterga at the same time.

The Mandy didn't have a chance. By the time the Mandragora was claimed, he was already dead.

Those little bastards.

Someone was going to have to teach them some manners.

Still, that many Tarus could cause a problem. They seem really weak, but enough of them could cause some serious damage.

But how can I be sure?

GoblinPathfinder>> Heya, Smitty.

At least he's got good timing.

GoblinSmithy>> Hi, Pathfinder pal.
GoblinSmithy>> And how are you today?
GoblinPathfinder>> What's going on?
GoblinSmithy>> What do you mean?
GoblinPathfinder>> You're never nice to me.
GoblinPathfinder>> You always say mean things.
GoblinSmithy>> Not always.
GoblinPathfinder>> You called my Mom on my birthday.
GoblinSmithy>> See?
GoblinSmithy>> That was nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> You said "It's all your fault, bitch."
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> That was funny.
GoblinPathfinder>> It was mean.
GoblinPathfinder>> And now you're being nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're up to something.
GoblinSmithy>> I'm insulted.
GoblinSmithy>> I try to be nice...
GoblinSmithy>> *sob*

And the Oscar goes to...

GoblinPathfinder>> I'm sorry, Smitty.
GoblinPathfinder>> That was rude of me.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm doing great today.
GoblinSmithy>> That's good.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, I need you to do me a favor.
GoblinPathfinder>> I knew it.
GoblinSmithy>> No, no.
GoblinSmithy>> It's a good thing.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm listening.
GoblinSmithy>> See those Tarus picking on those poor Mandies?
GoblinSmithy>> We should help them.
GoblinPathfinder>> Why would we help them kill Mandies?
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Help the Mandies, Stupid.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh. I knew that.
GoblinPathfinder>> That's a good idea.
GoblinPathfinder>> How should we do it?
GoblinSmithy>> You go in first.
GoblinSmithy>> I'll be right behind you.
GoblinPathfinder>> Got it.
GoblinPathfinder>> Let's do this thing.

I've got to hand it to him. Pathfinder didn't even flinch. One second we were talking and the next, he was running head long into their group screaming battle cries.

And, being a man of my word, I was right there behind him.

Far, far behind him.

Okay... so I didn't actually move.

You'll notice I said I'd be behind him. I never said I'd follow him.

It's all in the details, people.

He did admirably, I will admit. He managed to take down quite a few of them. Even his pet tiger did a great job.

In the end, though, they were just too much for him. He died with his weapon still in his hand.

A little tear fell from my eye.

Of course, that may have been from me laughing so damned hard.

Still, Pathfinder had done his job. He had taken out most of them. I could handle the rest.

I tore into their group and started stabbing. They started casting Waterga as fast as they could, but it was already too late.

One by one, they started dropping.

GoblinSmithy>> That'll teach you to adhere to the intended party strategy.

Only a few left and I've got almost half my life left. They make this shit just too damned easy.

WhiteMage1 starts casting Banish III on GoblinSmithy.

Dammit dammit dammit.

I always forget.

Send Pathfinder to die THEN check for a power leveler.

That White Mage beat the living shit out of me. Seriously, he beat me like slept with his wife or something.

And believe me I know what that feels like.

I hate people.

July Fan Pack

2006-08-02T19:17:00.000-02:30

Oh, man. You people are going to love this.

Pathfinder has agreed to do a little write up about raising your own pets. It'll probably be written in crayon when I get it, but I'll type it up for you.

Anyway, the pack should be done tonight or, at the latest, tomorrow.

Genius takes time, people.

Trust me. You're going to like it.